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Snarky vegan friend vent


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I just have to get this out and I think this might be the right place to do so.

A friend/coworker saw a movie about the evils of industrial meat production and decided to become vegan, right around the time I started my Whole 30, about 40 days ago. We both have a similar body type, ethnic history, etc. We have been having really interesting conversations about food, sharing recipes that fit into both of our ways of eating, etc. It all seemed really friendly and fun. Just yesterday I shared my avocado with her.

Then last night, I saw in my news feed that another (vegan) coworker (who became vegan because she was pre-diabetic and it was a last-ditch effort to stay of meds) was starting a group on Facebook about healthy lifestyle - to share recipes, etc. I was thinking - oh, this is fun, maybe I should join. Then I read in the comments that my friend had replied "and who defines "healthy" - none of that Paleo crap, LOL." Followed by a short back-and-forth between the two about vegan paleo recipes, snark snark snark. There was no "middle finger button" so instead I hit "like". I didn't know what to say, but I wanted her to know that I'd seen what she'd said.

I feel like I just walked in on two friends snarking about me. And I am not "Paleo" - I am much more than just what I eat, obviously, just as she is more than just "vegan" - but I feel offended and alienated by someone who I considered a friend. I treated her like a friend, and even though I would never eat the soy crumbles and organic margarine, I respect her food choices to her face and behind her back.

Now, we are coworkers, so I have to be pleasant and professional to her, so I appreciate having the space to get this out here. I know that I am eating in a way that nourishes my body and I'm happy with where I am. I'm not one to hold a grudge, but it's hard to trust a friend who seems two-faced like this.

I certainly don't plan to bring her any more of my precious coconut butter! :)

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I guess when you take on a new WOE you want to be sure you are doing the best thing, so you get all pumped about it and put other different things down. But that kind of mean girls FB stuff is just childish, knowing that you are eating the way you are. (Whatever the label.)

Can you just ask her calmly, "what was up with that post yesterday?" If it was me I'd probably have hurt and defensiveness in my voice, but maybe you are better with confrontation. Even I think I could handle such a thing. It would help put your human face on it and make it less about Paleo VS Vegan than about making a friend feel singled out.

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I know that I am eating in a way that nourishes my body and I'm happy with where I am.

This right here is what really matters.

Is it worth the confrontation or is it best to simply keep your distance? Do you want to be right/validated or are you OK just living your own truth (with a healthy space between you and negative nellies)?

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Maybe "confrontation" is too strong a word. I guess I also always let stuff like that fester and boil inside me--especially at work where I always let social dramas take over my day. If you can walk away and know you are doing right by yourself, go for it!

I tend to get fixated on this stuff. Letting it go and rising above it: infinitely healthier.

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Totally agree, Maryann! When you are energetic, even keeled, and buoyant in six months and they're sucking down supplements and dragging...who'll be healthier?

I don't get how people can ignore the super obvious symptoms of their diets being wrong! "I'm so tired and blah feeling...but I love this way of eating!" How do you not put two and two together - that the Reynaud's and migraines and inability to sleep even with ridiculous amounts of sleeping pills might in part be related to the fact that you extremely limit your meat, eat more fruits than veggies, and suck down grains? But yes, your way of eating is SO MUCH healthier than mine, where I sleep all night, no autoimmune disorders, and manage not to catch every bug that comes around...and the only migraine I've ever had was because I was working too hard in Afghanistan...

...okay, maybe I needed to vent too! Yes, that above is someone I know...

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I'd be willing to bet neither of them is vegan in six months. The diabetic is crazy. Eating more grains won't prevent her going on meds, so when she finally has to go that route, she will probably give up veganism. She didn't do it for the right reasons. Neither did the other one, but if she's on a crusade, she may stick with it even if she feels bad, because sometimes people want to 'sacrifice for the cause'. Keep us posted.

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Thank you for the support guys! I have decided not to make an issue out of this, and am maintaining polite interaction at work. As far as friendship goes, well, that is another story. Regardless, this body, the one I occupy, is satisfied with what I am doing and that is what really matters.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Aargh. Just found out (through a Skype with my mom) that my sister, who is having extreme fertility issues, has gone vegan. This has not fixed her fertility (she hasn't had a normal period since ending BC over a year ago and is on meds to try to make her have one). All through this, her doctor is telling her that she's SO HEALTHY, and how this diet agrees with her SO MUCH.

Really? If that's so, why on EARTH doesn't she have a period? Doesn't that mean that she is NOT IN FACT healthy? Maybe I'm missing something here, but there are 11 systems in the human body. If 10 of them are working well enough but 1 isn't, I don't think you can be classified as healthy. Maybe doing slightly better than most, but not 100% healthy.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that her soy intake is why she doesn't have a period (she had been a pescitarian with very limited fish intake, mostly just soy, and that increased when she was diagnosed as lactose intolerant). I mean, soy infant formula = estrogenic equivalent of more than 1 birth control pill. If you're vegan and eating soy as your protein, how is that any different?

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I might actually handle this differently.

The Paleo community as a whole has not always been kind or tolerant to vegetarians or vegans. I know some groups in particular have actually gone out of their way to be disruptive on veg*n Facebook pages, and the back and forth between the two communities online has been pretty confrontational at times. (Not in THIS community, however. That's not how we roll.)

Perhaps you're vegan friends have noticed the confrontational style of some Paleo folks, and were reacting to that in their Facebook post. What I might do is either post or mention in person, "You know, I saw your Facebook group, and your jokes about Paleo recipes. However, I have a ton of fantastic vegetable recipes that are perfect for both Paleo and your vegan lifestyle. Could I share those with you guys on the page? I think you'll really enjoy them, I know I do."

This approach may show them that you can rise above the petty disputes, look for that vast amount of commonalities between the two diets, and legitimately create a bridge between the two communities. This also may save a friendship, even if it is casual, with people you work with. Just a thought.

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This is an interesting discussion for me. I was vegetarian/vegan for nearly 30 years (I gave up all meat products as a young teen...I am not that ancient!) and started to eat meat again just 3 days ago as I embark on the Whole30. I have been getting fatter, crankier and more unhealthy the past couple of years and I simply don't want to live that way into my middle (yes, I know I am there already but play along with me here) and later years, especially as I have a three year old son. While I know it sounds ridiculous in my head, eating animals has been a really weird transition for - not physically, but psychologically and emotionally. Being vegetarian/vegan was a part of who I was. It wasn't an eating plan or a lifestyle choice. It was what I was. And now I am not. Anyway, I am guessing your coworker is in the early evangelical/fundamentalist phase of the transition - that is the worst and most obnoxious time, like a newly minted ex-smoker or someone who has just found God. Paleo people go through it too, it is simply human nature. The fervour will pass! As will the snark. I am married to a rabid carnivore and I have never once mentioned his eating habits to him -- it is none of my business what other people put into their bodies. She will learn....hopefully.

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