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Wine: an update and some realizations


bibliophile

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I just found this thread.  Don't know how I've missed it for so long. 

 

I started a W100 on 1/1/13 with a bunch of other women on here.  The one thing that almost prevented me from doing it was that I had never gone 100 days without a drink since I was probably 16.  I wasn't sure I could do it, and at times it was rough.  But by the end of the 100 days, I felt so much better without it that I have never added it back.

 

The key was to learn new coping skills.  As I've posted on some other threads, coming home, opening a bottle of wine, and letting the stress of the day fall away were part of the ritual that made it attractive.  During my W100, that was when I missed it most.  So I analyzed why.  What was different?  When I came home from work and wasn't drinking, I immediately started picking up the house, or folding laundry, or making dinner.  I wasn't missing the alcohol, per se, I was missing the permission it gave me to just sit and not do anything for a while.  So I started making a cup of tea, or a sparkling water, and just sitting for a few minutes while the 'stressed, Work Maryann' ebbed away and the 'peaceful, Home Maryann' took her place.  Allowing myself the decompression and transition time was every bit as important as the drink, except I didn't realize it at the time.

 

Now, fourteen months later, my moods, my sleep, my energy levels are so much improved that I can't imagine letting wine back in.  But for those still working through their relationships with alcohol, your milage may vary.  This is the solution that works for me, but we all have to learn to ride our own bikes.

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This is very helpful to me, Maryann. I always come home from work and jump right in.  I drink while cooking and I start almost immediately tidying/cooking/prepping for tomorrow as soon as I walk in the door. I'm cooking right now and sipping pellegrino because work was awful and I really wanted a gin&tonic. Starting tomorrow evening, I'm going to try and decompress first and see if that helps.

 

Part of the cleaning/cooking/etc immediately stems from me needing to get to bed early. I shut down after a certain time.  My brain just stops, whole30 or not, I am just DONE and have to go to bed rightnowthisinstant.  I try to go to bed around nine-ish and read for maybe a half hour before falling asleep.  I awake around 6 without fail, every day, no alarm needed.  I feel that because I don't get home until 5;30-6 depending on the work day that I have so few hours to get everything done before bed and I want it all done so I can sit down and relax, talk to my kids/spouse/etc before I shut down LOL!

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I wanted to thank you ladies for your honesty.  This thread has really helped me to know I am not alone in this.  Bibliophile, my book should be delivered today.  I plan to read it this weekend!

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I've never been a big drinker, but since eating cleaner I find wine often makes me feel quite sick.

 

I find gluten free cider (pear or apple) sits better in my stomach and I never feel crappy the next day & sleep like a log.

I also find people don't try and offer me more drinks when I have a cider, but they do when I have a glass of wine.

 

I quite like the ritual of tea, but I don't like black tea, so I tend to have ginger or non-tea teas :)

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Hi everyone, I want to share some post whole 30 observations. i sucessfully completed a whole 35 on February 28, having extended to the weekend. I was excited to get to drink some red wine, and my BF surprised me with a wonderful dinner which was 95% compliant in terms of food. I had twoglasses with the meal, and afterward found I could only drink one more and had no desire for chocolate! It was fun and I feltno ill effects until the end of that busy weekend, which had me out to 2 more less reliably compliant meals where I consumed 2 glasses per siting. By rhe end of the weekend, I was tired from traveling and eating out. All week I recovered my equilibrium ans was compliant; then this past weekend I had a little wine with dinner Friday, and a little uring a movie, and that was it. I guess I am trying to say that the whole30 experience gave me a different perspective. Previously I would have some during the week to unwind, and it was a given component of my weekend repertoire. Now, I feel no pressure to have it as a habit. Sometimes I just want to do something else like take a walk! Also, at $10 a bottle, which is cheap, one per week is $520 a year! So I am cognizant of that cost, of wAnting to save up for a nicer bottle, or a cute jacket, or . . .

Has anyone else noticed a taste-bud wakeup? Another factor in being selective. Don't worry too much. Focus on what you'll do *instead*

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I finished the book Friday night.  Wow.  I am still chewing on it all but, yes, lots to think about!  Thank you again for the recommendation!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am glad I found this thread.  I also started the W30 to see if I could eliminate wine from my diet.

 

I am on Day 13.  So far so good and I am surprised.  I haven't experienced any cravings.

 

Normally I would come home from work, open a bottle and have a glass while cooking and glass

after dinner - large glasses.

 

Now I come home and 3 days a week I work out as soon as I get home - who want's to drink after

having kettlebells kick you butt!  I also purchased kumbucha and mineral water to replace the wine

both look pretty in a wine glass.

 

I am going to read the book bibliophile mentioned because I am questioning my relationship

to alcohol as a crutch for stress or a reward.

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  • 3 months later...

Sassy, I'm glad to hear that the book resonated with you. It definitely did with me too! 

 

I wanted to post an update.  Since January I've been tinkering on and off with a few sober days/weeks on/off and I finally committed to stop drinking.  Period.  Forever.  It's not healthy for me and never will be.  

 

I'm not going to lie.  It's not been easy.  I've used my W30 mentality every day.  I've been sober for over 2 months, closer to 3 now, I think?  I have no idea what to do with all these feelings and thoughts I am having that I used to absentmindedly numb with booze.  Wowsa. Is this what it feels like to a normal or a nondrinker?? You feel anxious and you deal with it?  You feel sad and you deal with it?  You feel upset/scared/angry/hurt/depressed and you deal with it???!!!!  WHAT!?!

 

I am still amazed at people who can just have on glass of wine (or one cocktail) with dinner and that's it.  HOW do they do that??!!  

 

The tools I learned way back during my first W30 have come in very handy.  I literally take it one day at a time.  Sometimes one minute at a time. Reminds me of taking it one meal at a time when I was struggling during my W30s :)  

 

For fun, I started a W30 June 30th.  I figured why the hell not!  Maybe that will help give me more mental clarity.  Ditching booze has definitely given me a clearer mind..

 

Anyway, thank you so much for starting this thread a while back, bibliophile!  This thread was the catalyst in me really examining my unhealthy relationship with alcohol.  Well, W30 started it.. we just took it to another level here.  I hope you are doing well! XO!

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I am an 8 year member of a wine group, 8 friends who every two months get together to prepare and eat gourmet dinners and pair wines thru each course, we travel, we learn. I would hate to give up this part of my life, and we truly do eat well- our motto is as whole and fresh and seasonal as we can make it..... But I do feel good not drinking, esp. Like you said, when it comes to sleep disruptions. I have apnea and wear the dang mask and the whole 9... Oh!!! That was weird... Anyway, I am also on a trivia team and they are a beer drinking bunch.. I am ok giving up the beer... But wine, ....... WOW

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This is my favorite comment from "The crazy things people say" thread.

 

It's from Farback.   When faced with a situation and you feel obligated to eat or drink something you don't want to....

 

Here's another response;

" if I eat that, the voices come back."
They'll walk away.    :D    :lol:    :D 

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I am an 8 year member of a wine group, 8 friends who every two months get together to prepare and eat gourmet dinners and pair wines thru each course, we travel, we learn. I would hate to give up this part of my life, and we truly do eat well- our motto is as whole and fresh and seasonal as we can make it..... But I do feel good not drinking, esp. Like you said, when it comes to sleep disruptions. I have apnea and wear the dang mask and the whole 9... Oh!!! That was weird... Anyway, I am also on a trivia team and they are a beer drinking bunch.. I am ok giving up the beer... But wine, ....... WOW

What you wrote about is the exact reason I have struggled with my decision for at least a year. I was part of a group of 6 women and we did the exact same thing!  We did this for years.  I say this in the past tense because as of right now, my sobriety makes a few of them very uncomfortable.  I am totally fine preparing and eating the food and drinking sparkling water or iced tea or whatever but that's not how it's worked out.  The entire dynamic of the group has changed.  I do not bring up or discuss my decision but it's always there looming and I feel like my decision has forced a few of them to examine their own relationships with alcohol and they don't like that.  My social circle is changing.  Sometimes it's really lonely or awkward but it's ok.. there is no room for alcohol in my life anymore.

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Glad I found this. I'm back lurking on the boards. I finished my first W30 nearly a year ago and have done several since with varying degrees of success. And you know what always gets me after? I want to add the wine back in. And I think I can. I'll just have one glass in the evening at the weekend. Only if I feel like it. And then before I know it I'm eating crisps and peanuts too ... my meals stay reasonably clean, but .... Then my kids drive me up the wall and I've opened a bottle for a quick glass before dinner to get me through bathtime and bedtime (the glass is a reminder that I am an adult and I can "treat" myself and "reward" myself and remind myself that I am a grownup). My hubbie has a real passion for wine and has a fine collection (literally an enormous cellar) he has been building for 20 years. We have always eaten good food, and always had good wine with it. It seems such a HUGE thing to cut out and partly because of the "self-soothing" aspect of wine (can you tell my kids are still quite young! LOL) but also because it is so important to the fabric of our lives and represents so much. Cutting out cake or potatoes is not a problem and doesn't challenge relationships. Sassy -- what you said about your friends really resonated with me about something else entirely: one of my buddies who is in her 40s and single is adopting. It has really impacted on the lives of her other single and 40 women friends. It's been interesting. Some choices we make DO impact profoundly on our relationships but we still have to make them if they are right to us. OK, got lots to think about. Need to go make chicken salad for lunch now. At least that part isn't difficult.

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Hi All...I think it's interesting the view/post ratio on this thread. I'm responsible for multiple views myself, each time thinking it resonates with me and I have so many thoughts about it.

What is it with wine, anyway? That is the one alcoholic beverage where the second glass is as good as the first. For me it has to be red. I really would not consider opening a bottle of white wine, even if it was the only wine available. I can easily have a glass of gin/vodka with sparkling water instead of tonic, and continue to fill my glass with the sparkling water remaining as my drink is consumed, in effect watering down that drink. I don't have the compulsion for another drink. But, with red wine, I do like one or two glasses more than just one. I very often don't feel buzzed and have a final glass of water or two before being done for the evening.

Since having all these grand babies, though, my thoughts and feelings have changed dramatically. We have six grandchildren well under four and when our family gathers, we continue typically to have some alcohol with our meal or happy hour. That bothers me every time. I'm on the cusp of giving up alcohol when I'm in the presence of my babies. Two thoughts come to me on this topic. First, with all these little ones so young yet and so close in age, we could well be one mis step away from tragedy even without any alcohol. Just being together and catching up can take our minds momentarily away from the diligence of their safety and welfare. Secondly, as gramma, I certainly don't want my legacy or memory with them to be "gramma drinks wine." What brought it to my attention really was the daughter of a friend saying quite lightheartedly that her little ones know that their Grampa's juice is beer and Gramma's juice is wine. It struck such a chord with me that made me realize I don't want my babies or their parents to have such a discussion as it relates to me. To control my legacy, I have to control my activity. What do I want them to remember or believe about me? Whatever it is or isn't, I'd have to be that person in their presence to shape that mindset for them. What a deal that is. It's exciting and daunting and convicting all at the same time. But, a challenge I must be up for.

Anyone else dealing with this?

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Gramma Susie, when my youngest was in early grammar school he had to draw a picture of what our family liked to do.  The drawing of me included gin.  I was mortified.  Alcohol was (is) so ingrained in my children's lives.  They always comment on drinking, alcohol, booze, etc., and if I do something silly they ask jokingly, "What's in your cup, Mom?"  Uh.  That is NOT ok with me.  I was not a falling down drunk.  I work f/t.  We are busy people.  Lead active lives.  Are involved.  I did however, have cocktails many nights.  Not all evenings, but many.  Trust me, I have struggled with all the thoughts.  I have tried to moderate.  After my whole30's, the first thing I went for was always wine or gin.. not ice cream or chocolate or cheese.  I would try and moderate and say I'm only having one gin tonight but one always leads to two.  One glass of wine and then I am miserable so I starting pouring ONE HUGE glass of wine which was probably really three glasses.  I was the woman at the party obsessing over getting the next glass.. would my tablemates hurry up and drink their glasses so I could refill without looking like a lush.  

 

For the last ten years or so, I have felt that alcohol is a problem for me, but the thought mostly stayed in the back of my mind.  Whole30 really helped me realize how unhealthy it is for me and that yes, I have a real problem with alcohol and I am one of those who should NEVER drink.  So, after a 30+ year relationship with Alcohol, we agreed to break up.  Actually, I did the breaking up and Alcohol has been a really big fussy baby about it and really doesn't want to move on but I am very stubborn and am not taking Alcohol back.

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Well, Sassy, you have given me food for thought. I'm going to ponder this.

How has ending your relationship with alcohol impacted your social life? When did you end the relationship and what have been the most significant ramifications of ending it, positive and negative? Not sure exactly when, but I may be following your lead. My husband is not a big drinker at all. He is very controlled with no need to have more than one most days, never more than two. When I bring up the idea of giving it up altogether, he says just slow it down. That is what I'd prefer, but, as you say, Alcohol doesn't always want it that way.

I'm making a commitment here and now to no longer have A when my babies are in my presence. I don't include A when I'm caregiving, but when their parents are here or at their homes and are the responsible caregivers, I do accept beverages and refill my glass. Not going to do that anymore. No more booze and babies. That will be my start.

Thanks for sharing, Sassy! It was good for me to hear your story. Susie

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Well, Sassy, you have given me food for thought. I'm going to ponder this.

How has ending your relationship with alcohol impacted your social life? When did you end the relationship and what have been the most significant ramifications of ending it, positive and negative? Not sure exactly when, but I may be following your lead. My husband is not a big drinker at all. He is very controlled with no need to have more than one most days, never more than two. When I bring up the idea of giving it up altogether, he says just slow it down. That is what I'd prefer, but, as you say, Alcohol doesn't always want it that way.

I'm making a commitment here and now to no longer have A when my babies are in my presence. I don't include A when I'm caregiving, but when their parents are here or at their homes and are the responsible caregivers, I do accept beverages and refill my glass. Not going to do that anymore. No more booze and babies. That will be my start.

Thanks for sharing, Sassy! It was good for me to hear your story. Susie

I still go out to dinner with friends or go to "girl's night"  I am totally comfortable and welcomed into that group and no one cares if I am drinking or not.  

 

My dinner party group I mentioned in a previous comment has fallen apart.  It was truly a wine group.  A few of them still get together for wine after work or on a Saturday afternoon and they also like to meet at the bar but I never go because they meet strictly to drink.  To be fair, I never went out drinking with them before I quit drinking either.  I have never been interested in that.  I love being in someone's home, or mine, and cooking and sharing wine and stories and laughing.  I have never been a fan of bars.. When I said I had quit drinking, they quit inviting me, which is ok.  My other group and my book club group are still very welcoming and there are drinkers and nondrinkers in both those groups.

 

I feel like I am rambling and my thoughts are not coherent so I hope this has made sense :)

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First, thank you all for your honesty on this topic! It's given me a lot to think about.

I'm on day 25 of my first W30, and the thing I've missed more than anything is red wine.

 

I'm the child of an alcoholic. Dad got sober when I was 13 (I'm 27 now), and I am SO proud of him- the fact that his sobriety began at the onset of my adolescence has meant that we've had time to repair our relationship, and that I've always been hyper aware of my relationship with intoxicating substances. While I've definitely had nights that have gone overboard, I've never been an every day drinker, and I don't (usually) drink to get drunk- a glass or two is usually fine. These are the common benchmarks against which people measure their relationship with alcohol, and I felt pretty assured before I started my W30 that I didn't have a problem.

 

That said, the amount of time I've spent thinking about, dreaming about, craving, salivating over the idea of a good glass of red wine during my W30 has me reconsidering the relationship. Various things that have been said in this thread have resonated with me:
 

-Seeing wine as a "treat": I've tried to deal with this by having a variety of other beverages available (tea, iced tea, kombucha, sparkling water, decaf coffee)

-The ritual of sitting down with a glass and the mental "permission" to have a grown-up time out: I've been trying to carve out "me" time with yoga, reading, or a bath (unfortunately the tub in my new apartment is kind of uncomfortable :( )

 

-Viewing wine as romantic/sexy/sophisticated: I'm trying to figure out where this comes from - wine was never a big thing in our house. Mom didn't drink much, and Dad was a beer and whisky fella. I'm also trying to treat myself to other things that make me feel sophisticated, like wearing more dresses/earrings/makeup. 27 is a weird age for me: I'm single, so I don't have the husband/kids "adult" markers, don't have a car (live in a small town where I can bike everywhere), and have a lovely low-stress job at a book store which is great, but doesn't bear the high-powered career-focused "adult" markers. Mostly I'm happy with the choices I've made that have led me here, but sometimes I still feel like I'm 5 and walking around in Mom's oversized high heels. Wine made me feel like a grown up

-Alcohol in general as a social lubricant. I went on my first real blind date last night, and it was exhausting. When I have a drink, I can loosen up a little more, come up with pithy things to say, and get out of my head a little bit. Sipping my water with lemon, I found myself occasionally staring past my date's shoulder, my mind totally devoid of anything conversational. He was a perfectly pleasant guy, but I felt like I had to exert so much effort that when I got home I collapsed into my rocking chair as if I had just run a marathon.

 

I'm looking forward to reintroducing a glass of wine next week, and proud of myself for having made it this far without caving. But I'm also a little nervous about the results of reintroduction, and the implications of the underlying emotions I've discovered during my W30. 

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Thanks, also, for sharing on this topic. First, I wanted to say to RedSparrow, your W30 experience sounds much like mine in the red wine area. I was very eager to reintroduce it, did so very slowly which felt great. Now ten months later, I'm back to about the number of glasses I was having before I started, something like two/night, almost every night. Sometimes I wish I hadn't reintroduced it, because I really did do well without it. Having said all that, though, I appreciate your description of your blind date. In that I'm married and have been now for almost forty years, that's not where I am in my life stage. How it resonated with me, however, is that I tend to be a bit of an intense person. I care deeply about a lot of issues and see life as serious business. I become more lighthearted and less intense after my first or second glass of wine. During my w30 in September last year, I noticed that my intensity level was definitely higher even when I was socializing with friends in the evening. I'm more quiet and contemplative when I'm not drinking. I can get past the intensity and seriusness of life when I've had some wine and it feels like I laugh and relax more, which my intense personality needs. At times I feel that helps with my cortisol issues.

I get conflicted by hearing from some exercise gurus about the benefits of RW and that my consumption is within an acceptable range. But, those two glasses of wine do affect my sleep, which is really counterproductive on my weight loss journey. I know I've had inflammation issues and inflammation is negatively impacted by not getting good sleep. And that brings up my second thought and question for Sassy. Have you found any reduction in your midsection since you let go of alcohol? I've lost about 15 pounds since starting the W30 in September 2013, but am feeling I'm going slightly in the other direction now. Any change in your weight or your middle since giving up A? I'm presuming you're sleeping better.

Finally, tonight (Friday night, mind you) is my first trial at no booze and babies. I pick up two of my grand daughters after their daycare; and with their mom out of town for a few days, we have them here until our son gets off work. Typically, I make dinner and Aaron comes home from work about 7ish and we have dinner together, including an adult beverage or two, before he takes the girls home. Not going to do that tonight. It is my first establishment of that new system. Then I will repeat it next Tuesday, when all our kids and all six grand kids will be here (first time for all together since our little Easton was born in April) for burgers on the grill and to catch up. I'm feeling convicted and that I'm going to do this. I feel in so many fronts, this is the right thing to do. I guess I'm using this forum to hold myself accountable. So, there you have it. I so welcome any thoughts in all if this. It gives me peace to be having this conversation.

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Gramma Susie, have you found anything else that helps take the edge off your mental intensity? I feel like maybe if I could tone that down, perhaps the wine wouldn't be such a social crutch for me. 

Also, good luck tonight! Having a plan is a great first step. When I was struggling earlier in my W30 (I went through a break up on day 4... eesh!) I just kept reminding myself that I was worth the effort. You are worth the effort too! You deserve the best health you can manage, both physical and mental. And when you take care of yourself, you're better able to take care of the ones you love as well. Pour yourself a lovely glass of sparkling water, garnish it (I really like raspberries and lime) to up the luxury factor, and revel in your own willpower. You can do it!

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No, related to intensity, I'm searching for strategies to help with that. And, I search for those strategies with a lot of intensity. Doctors and others have recommended yoga and meditation, but I find myself making mental lists of what I'm going to do when I'm done with those activities. Then I'm not even sure I actually do all of those things in my list, but at least Im out of the gym and done with yoga and I can check that off my list. It's a crazy thing. My intensity doesn't help at all with cortisol and if I don't properly contain my enthusiasm about all those very important things in life (pollution, GMO, pesticides, faith-building for our grand babies, spending time with our parents who are getting very old, etc.), I completely drive my husband crazy. He says sometimes I am joyless. As I said before, life is serious business to me. I don't know how people can see it otherwise. Sometimes it is a curse to be me.

On another topic, thanks for your encouragement for last night, RedSparrow. It was a very good night. We just had our sparkling water while the girls were here. When our son came for dinner, I asked him what he wanted for a beverage with dinner and he just said he'd have whatever we were having. So he had non-alcohol, too. We had dinner and once he went home with the girls, we had some wine, followed by a very good night's sleep. My next and bigger test will be Tuesday when all the kids are here. But I'm pretty sure this is the right direction for me and I continue to feel convicted' with the greatest enthusiasm ;) about it.

If you or anyone reading knows of some other ways to curb my enthusiasm, I'd love to know what they are. I would like to ratchet it down a bit without throwing the baby out with the bath water.

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That said, the amount of time I've spent thinking about, dreaming about, craving, salivating over the idea of a good glass of red wine during my W30 has me reconsidering the relationship. Various things that have been said in this thread have resonated with me:

 

-Seeing wine as a "treat": I've tried to deal with this by having a variety of other beverages available (tea, iced tea, kombucha, sparkling water, decaf coffee)

-The ritual of sitting down with a glass and the mental "permission" to have a grown-up time out: I've been trying to carve out "me" time with yoga, reading, or a bath (unfortunately the tub in my new apartment is kind of uncomfortable :( )

 

-Viewing wine as romantic/sexy/sophisticated: I'm trying to figure out where this comes from - wine was never a big thing in our house. Mom didn't drink much, and Dad was a beer and whisky fella. I'm also trying to treat myself to other things that make me feel sophisticated, like wearing more dresses/earrings/makeup. 27 is a weird age for me: I'm single, so I don't have the husband/kids "adult" markers, don't have a car (live in a small town where I can bike everywhere), and have a lovely low-stress job at a book store which is great, but doesn't bear the high-powered career-focused "adult" markers. Mostly I'm happy with the choices I've made that have led me here, but sometimes I still feel like I'm 5 and walking around in Mom's oversized high heels. Wine made me feel like a grown up

-Alcohol in general as a social lubricant. I went on my first real blind date last night, and it was exhausting. When I have a drink, I can loosen up a little more, come up with pithy things to say, and get out of my head a little bit. Sipping my water with lemon, I found myself occasionally staring past my date's shoulder, my mind totally devoid of anything conversational. He was a perfectly pleasant guy, but I felt like I had to exert so much effort that when I got home I collapsed into my rocking chair as if I had just run a marathon.

 

I highly recommend the book Drink that was recommeneded in this thread.  It's what really helped me with those very issues.  http://amzn.com/006224180X

 

It all has to do with how advertisers have programmed our brains over the years.  Old black&white movies (my favorite) show people drinking and it's romantic and sexy.  Print ads with beautiful women, handsome men, fun times, and catchy phrases make us think how awesome our lives are when we drink that brand.  Cute wine bottle labels that target us ON PURPOSE because we find it amusing or fun or whatever.  Advertisers are on purpose targeting women with alcohol ads.  They know our weak spots and what buttons to push.  It infuriates me! 

 

This article is an interestig read http://www.medialit.org/reading-room/deadly-persuasion-7-myths-alcohol-advertisers-want-you-believe

 

I've concluded that wine has ZERO health benefits for me. 

 

The red wine studies have all been disproven and in fact, the original study was paid for by the wine producers themselves.. of course it's good for you!  You have to google but you can find just as much research discrediting those studies. 

 

I think it's a personal choice.  If you have a problem with alcohol, or could have, or a family history, or it's all you think about during your W30's then yeah, you probably shouldn't be drinking.  But again, it's a personal decision.  I really did struggle with the romantisim of drinking but the more research I've done and the more reading and thinking and distance from drinking, I have been able to get those demons out of my head.  I have been to dinner parties where I have laughed just as hard, maybe harder, smiled MORE, was more engaged with my tablemates, then I ever was when I was drinking right along side them.  My life is better without it and I am ok with that.

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