HELP (for hubby...not me...)

[Jtandi]

I need some hubby troubleshooting. seriously. for me whole30 is not a problem, and truthfully I can eat the same thing for an entire week if I make it and it's yummy. I eat eggs and hash for breakfast every morning. this is somewhat old hat for me since I was with the group that did a whole100 starting last January 1, did another 30 in June, and started my last one October 1. (this one will actually be a whole50 since that brings me to the day before my 40th birthday)...so I have about 150 days of whole30 under my belt this year so far...

 

this time my HUSBAND said he would join me! I cannot tell you how ecstatic I am, he has mood issues and I have always know that food is a huge part of it (we are both sugar addicts). SO, I have been doing all the cooking/etc, but he is sick of the food. seriously tired of it (he says). he doesn't want any more eggs for breakfast and doesn't want leftovers or other food. this past week he had a work function and they went to a Thai restaurant (of all the places to go...) and he ate off plan. his mood was horrible the next day (super asshole of the year) and I think he finally got it. up until that day his mood has been better than it has ever been in our 14 years of marriage. but now I'm really worried he's going to quit.

 

SO, here's where I need help and opinions. I want him to finish his 30 days (despite the "bump") with adding a little more time at the end. I am thinking of "allowing" him some paleofied foods...making him some paleo pancakes/etc. obviously without any sweeteners/etc (only whole30 approved ingredients). as I said before, I am somewhat of a whole30 veteran. I KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT ALLOWED ON A WHOLE30 (so please don't say "you're not supposed to eat that on a whole30...") but just need opinions. I love Robin's post about not overthinking this, and I am wanting to broaden this a bit to ensure that he can make it through. I have already "allowed" him to have nuts/dried fruit/etc. this is a guy who works nights in an busy ER and was drinking 2 or 3 Rockstar a night, coming home with McDonalds in the AM. he hasn't read the book, doesn't come on the forum, etc, and he's not going to (I know him well enough to know this). I know the decision is ultimately mine (he basically just relies on me for info, etc) but I always love to have opinions and, I guess, in some way "permission"...anyways... let me know what you think (especially if you agree with me!)

[pjena]

I think you should use the same rules for your husband that you would use for your kids (since he's maybe behaving like a child... ).  So, if paleofied foods help him get through it, I say go for it. If more snacks, more fruit, etc, gets him through, go for it.  Hopefully, by the end, he'll feel great enough that he'll agree to continue on his own.

 

Try to appeal to his competitive side and see if getting to the end period is enough of a reason not to quit.

 

Ask him what he wants and try to make it.  My husband prefers zoodles to pasta, so pasta dishes are aways a good option for us.  If he wants pizza, make a paleofied pizza crust.  If he wants Thai, find a W30 approved recipe. 

 

It may be that he doesn't actually want anything specific, though, and just wants to not feel restricted.  That's when you hope that he's competitive enough to want to finish anyway.  It's only 13 more days, right?  Good luck!

[Jtandi]

thanks! and so true about the kids. I have completely changed myself and my food but haven't done really anything about the way they eat. in ways I feel like I needed to give myself a year to truly get the hang of it for me and the next year I hope to focus on family. but I have recently started to take gluten out of their diet. little steps. and truthfully I will make them things like paleo pancakes/etc, especially in the beginning. maybe next year will be about getting them off sugar/gluten and then the following year can be about weaning them off the breads/pancakes/etc. it's a process. I have to remind myself of that. I might be able to jump in but they might need to ease...

 

and funny you should say that about competition - we are super competitive! my daughter said the best thing to him this morning when he was having his tantrum about quitting "DADDY! we do NOT QUIT in this family!" I love her.

[GFChris]

Not intending to be argumentative here - I'm curious - why is the decision ultimately yours? Isn't it your husband's decision what he chooses to put in his body, and whether he wants to change his way of eating for 30 days?

Did he only agree to do a Whole30 to support you, or are there some significant motivating factors that inspire him to follow this plan for his own benefit?

Based on what you shared, he doesn't sound ready for 30 consecutive days of Whole30 rules. Perhaps going Paleo is the way to go for him, for now. Is it possible for him to prepare some of his own meals, to give him the variety he's seeking and take the pressure off you?

[Applegirl]

I agree, it has to be his journey, you can only help him out.  Did he actually read ISWF?  I find that sometimes people respond best when they've actually read the book for themselves, otherwise he's taking "wifey's" advice instead of discovering it on his own.

 

I'd make sure he did his own homework, and then support him the best I could.  Also as GFChris mentioned, he may not be ready for a W30.  Perhaps he can do primal/paleo for a while and feel successful at that instead of thinking he failed at W30.  Nothing succeeds like success.  

[Jtandi]

thanks for the feedback guys - Chris - no worries, not argumentative at all! in fact that would be the first question I would ask, too. I have invited him on my other whole30 journeys and he has always wanted to but hasn't been able/willing to commit. not really any of my business to be honest, I don't really mind either way, but as his wife I am willing to help him if he shows that he really wants to do this. for me that means eating the food I make. that's it. and he's done that.

I don't know if either of you are married but I'm sure you can appreciate how different all of our relationships are. truthfully, before being married I think I would've been very confused by my current relationship (actually probably pretty judgmental - not saying either of you are!!), but after 14 years of marriage I've come to realize there are times to push my husband and times to step back. of course I am vested in his health on a personal level, but I am not his keeper and only he has the decision as to what goes in his mouth. but he is also a person who will easily and readily self sabotage and sometimes having another person pick you up and tell you not to quit is what you need

applegirl - like I said in my post, he won't read the book, it's just not something he will do. not good or bad, just not him.

I guess it's a matter of semantics. I know it sounds strange but "doing a whole30" can sometimes be a motivator in and of itself. saying and thinking you've done one can have great psychological effects and sometimes helps people believe they can continue on. having a strict 30 days off the things we eliminate during the whole30 will be more beneficial, in my opinion, than going paleo or primal. as we know - especially from the book, it's easier to do black and white for most of us (I CANNOT eat x, y, z for 30 days) vs I will eat primal or paleo which often means wiggle room for honey, sweeteners, grains, etc.

[ChickenNoodle]

I agree with pjenna! Personally I would nudge him into paleo and then approach a w30 when he recognizes the ways he has benefitted. He may be better prepared for a bit more sacrifice at that point.

I have been married for 24 yrs, it is not always easy to get my hubby on board, just as I do not always leap into his crazy plans/ideas. Give him some room to feel the change and let him slide into W30 when he is ready. If you are as tickler for the rules, he will rebel just like a child :-) give him the wiggle room to succeed.

[Jtandi]

I feel that "allowing" him to eat banana pancakes or the like (compliant ingredients) is giving him the wiggle room to succeed.

I got some great advice in my whole100ers group that made a lot of sense to me - if he is trying to change the quality of food he eats (and what he eats) then allow him to have the ingredient compliant foods, if he is trying to change the relationship then drop those foods. at this point I feel he is trying to change the food he eats and the relationship might be a bit down the road. whether I or he chooses to say he "did a whole30" really shouldn't matter to anyone but him and I. and I do hold on to Robin's words of wisdom in that original post. they have helped me through all the days I have done whole___'s even on the days I wasn't "perfect", it's a journey and the whole ride is really really great!

I appreciate everyone's advice. I will see what tomorrow holds and go a day at a time!

[Jtandi]

and just FYI - his childish behavior actually subsided a bit when he was being compliant!!! that's probably why it's so important for me that he continue and follow through, if I tell him now to just back off and do paleo I am 90% sure he will just go back to the way he was eating before. men.

[Noelle]

It sounds like your husband is very different from you, both in terms of his tastes and his approach to change (not that that's a bad thing!). My partner and I are very different when it comes to making big changes; I like to jump in with two feet, and he likes to slowly acclimate to something new. And in the 10 years that I've known him, I've learned that pushing him too hard sometimes backfires.

 

I think if paleo pancakes and the like will help him feel better—physically and mentally—that's a good stepping stone towards a full, "squeaky clean" Whole30 in the future.

 

Also, how awesome are you for completing a Whole100! High five, woman!

[ChickenNoodle]

I wanted to share this with you this morning....

My two DDs and I are on day 27, my husband did not join us for various reasons but lots of travel this last month was the primary one. All the meals I make for the family are W30 compliant with some concessions made for my youngest DD and DS. Last night I presented my hubby with a dinner plate (he missed dinner) and he ate some of it and didn't like it. Requested a quesadilla. :-(

He has been such sport and eaten every W30 meal with us without any complaints (although he drinks wine and cream/sugar in coffee) I happily made him his quesadilla (on a corn tortilla). The last thing I want to do is create a negative connotation with clean eating. Sometimes you just gotta do the ' wrong' thing in order to keep making progress.