Trying to be encouraging

[Carlaccini]

Hi There

 

I'm a year and a half + from my first Whole 30 back in Aug/Sept 2012.  I've seen and felt how good the whole 30 feels, and how my body reacts to it.  I have encouraged countless friends/family members to give it a try.  (Some have gone all out and followed and some are still thinking about it - their choice) but one that is really hitting home for me right now is my Mom.

 

She just turned 70 last October, and within the last couple of years I have seen her go down hill a lot.  Right now she is suffering a terrible RA flare that has been lasting weeks/months.  She has read that RA symtoms are generally things that start in your gut. (As I have been telling this her for months now) And that she should consider an elimination diet.  That same book that she is reading is also saying that she should be avoiding read meat and eating grains! (Book is 20+ years old I might add) I have pointed out that she is going by old information and things have changed.  But she is stubbronly holding onto this idea.

 

Because her flare is so bad she is starting to heed a bit on what I am saying.  She is drinking bone broth and she is considering adding gelatin to her food. I consider this a win.  However she is still eating a pretty grain and fruit heavy diet.  Her way has always been trying to find a "quick fix" through vitamins and supplements (she takes at least 10 +different ones).  She is avoiding night shades and eggs too - she knows these cause her inflamation to be worse.

 

I have encouraged her to read my copy of ISWF - so far she's not terribly interested.  I have recently bought her "The Paleo Approach"  in hopes because of the AIP nature of it, it will grab her attention. We shall see.

 

Right now I am trying to encourage her to give "paleo" a try.  But I'm not sure how to do this.  She seems mildly interested.  (She is no longer just humouring me, because she is asking for advice) But she is clearly a "baby steps" type of person.  So I'm not sure if I should introduce "paleoized" food such as muffins.  Because she is such a cereal person I suggested she give soup a try for breakfast - that one was not openly recieved.    

 

So if anyone has any suggestions on how to be encouraging without overwhelming - please let me know. She has me really worried this week because she is calling me on the phone upset and depressed because she is in such pain.

[LadyM]

I think it's great that she's somewhat open--and that she's asking you for advice. Since making this work for her has to be practical, why not approach it practically? Perhaps sit down with a few of your favorite paleo cookbooks and let her choose what strikes her fancy. Then, together, cook and eat a couple of those recipes. In the process of doing all of that, great conversation is bound to happen in which you can answer questions and quell her fears. You're a good daughter. Enjoy your time together. You could even have fun with this!

[Carlaccini]

Thanks Lady M!  That's a good idea.  I will plan something with her when I see her next.

[LadyM]

You're very welcome!

 

I'll also add that I encourage you to be patient and compassionate. I tried for so many years to help my mom heal herself and manage her health--practically to my own detriment. I finally realized that I could offer many wonderful tools, but ultimately it was up to her. My best advice to you is to be there for her, share the tools you've learned when she's open to receiving them, and allow her to live her way even if it's not what you would choose. It's taken me many years to figure out that it's never a good idea to actively want for others what they don't want for themselves. It's an especially tough lesson with our beloved mamas!

 

Best of luck to you both!

[Carlaccini]

Sigh - Lady M -  I need to keep on re-reading the above  message over, and over.  For although my compassion is there - my patience isn't always.

 

This week is becoming trying at best.  How to best deal with someone who refuses to listen to her dr, believes in old outdated information, and believes there is a overnight miracle cure in hordes of homeopathic pills.

 

I was feeling hopeful last week when she said she needed to pick my brain when I am here visiting this week.  So far she complains nothing is working, refuses to eat much more than a bit of fruit, and rice, rice, and some sweet potato (it's a start!) and hasn't asked me anything about anything. 

[LadyM]

I'm so sorry, Carla. I know all too well how painful it is to watch your mother self destruct, helpless from the sidelines. Doling out advice she doesn't want to hear won't help, though.

 

I suggest you just keep taking care of yourself in her presence, allow her to observe how you choose to live, and perhaps she'll want some of the good effects for herself and make the connection that it has to do with her own choices.

 

That's the best case scenario. If it doesn't happen that way, love and respect her flawed self on her own journey anyway, and keep actively loving yourself by making the choices that keep you thriving. Sending you strength, patience, and compassion!

[MrsStick]

Carla - this sounds EXACTLY like my MIL. Overweight, knows she is, has joint inflammation problems that she and I have talked over. I even brought up the W30, how it helped my inflammation and so many more, explained the whys and hows, sent her all the information. She decided not to do it because it was cutting out whole food groups.

 

My FIL has gout, and has limited foods he can eat. Obviously, there are health issues there. When my husband and I were visiting with them last month, I watched her...almost everywhere we went, she out-ate any one of her sons (including my hubby, who is 6'3" and 185 lbs), and, in some cases, ate more than two combined. She's still moving around, barely, but doesn't think that cutting out grains she'd be healthier (even though my FIL lost about 50 lbs successfully on Atkins...HINT HINT).

 

Hubby and I have moved to Korea, where the driving, frankly, is terrifying. But there are great systems in place for biking or walking everywhere, and we use public transportation or taxis only if absolutely necessary. FIL wants to visit us, but I don't know how MIL will be able to do it! She's not losing weight at all, and is convinced that doing yoga (not like you and I think of it...basically, she does a few stretches) will heal all of her problems.

 

Hubby and I have talked about it, and it scares him. She knows what she *needs* to do (we think), we just can't figure out why she doesn't do it. We went out for breakfast the one morning, and I had a veggie omelet with bacon, hashbrowns, and fruit. Hubby had a different omelet with the same sides. She had french toast with bacon and grits and cheese blintzes. No one else ordered more than one thing. I can't make her decisions for her, unfortunately. I know that losing weight = joints are okay. But she doesn't seem to?

[missmary]

She knows what she *needs* to do (we think), we just can't figure out why she doesn't do it. We went out for breakfast the one morning, and I had a veggie omelet with bacon, hashbrowns, and fruit. Hubby had a different omelet with the same sides. She had french toast with bacon and grits and cheese blintzes. No one else ordered more than one thing. I can't make her decisions for her, unfortunately. I know that losing weight = joints are okay. But she doesn't seem to?

 

I've struggled watching my parents make bad choices over the years (good choices too, sometimes, but lots of bad ones). I've watched overweight friends order two entrees when everyone else was having one and been puzzled, but I've come to the point now where I believe there is more than just "bad choices" or "making a decision" involved. This way of eating, being overweight, the fat itself inhabiting the body creates a hormonal context that is out of balance. People in that context may be terrified of being hungry, they may be depressed and think "I may as well have what I want" or chemically need the serotonin from the crap food to just get through. Fighting that is HARD. Personally I know if I eat dairy or gluten (and to a certain extent, sugar and alcohol too) I get insane cravings for more. When it is out of my system the cravings are too and it is much easier to make good choices for myself.

 

I guess I am just writing to make a plug for compassion. It's easy to get frustrated when the answer seems so obvious to us, but it's not really that simple. Whatever you can do to make a context for that person where making good choices is somehow easier, then go for that. Celebrate her yoga practice (a few stretches might be just what she needs), make a healthy breakfast at home, go for a short walk after dinner and let her tell you when she is ready for more dramatic changes. good luck.

[Carlaccini]

This way of eating, being overweight, the fat itself inhabiting the body creates a hormonal context that is out of balance. People in that context may be terrified of being hungry, they may be depressed and think "I may as well have what I want" or chemically need the serotonin from the crap food to just get through. Fighting that is HARD. Personally I know if I eat dairy or gluten (and to a certain extent, sugar and alcohol too) I get insane cravings for more. When it is out of my system the cravings are too and it is much easier to make good choices for myself.

 

 

This!  This was me too prior to the whole 30.  I tried everything else to get myself to lose weight but nothing helped.  Then I became depressed and frustrated with my efforts that I just gave up for about 6 years.  Then I became the sickest, and most depressed I had ever been.  I knew something was doing that to me but I didn't know what.  And parts of me were too lazy to care because I wanted to enjoy what I ate.  If I had been like this for even longer the less I would care.  I hit rock bottom at some point.  Scambled along the bottom for a bit, decided to go dairy free (which helped for the depression immenssely).  But everyone needs to hit their rock bottom.

 

My mom I think hit rock bottom this week.  It was hard to see her there.  She is still being very stubbron - she is limiting wheat grains, but not willing to eliminate them.  I bought and cooked food for her (I discussed things beforehand on what she might like) but she did go to her arthritis specialist (and listened to him) so things a going a little better. (a bit of a sigh of relief)