Help With My Mom's Whole30

[Chocobob]

Hi everyone! I'm new here, so I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm a twenty-five year old who used to be skinny fat. Despite my normal-range BMI, my favorite meal replacement used to be a bottle of Mountain Dew (eek). Since my own Whole30 about five months ago, I've lost fifteen pounds and have cured my migraines and sleeping disorder (and caffiene addiction). My dad, after seeing all my success, decided to do his own Whole30, and has lost a whopping forty pounds over the past few months, and no longer suffers from heartburn or various aches from old sports injuries. We're a couple of tried and true success stories!

This brings us to my Mom. I love my Mom, she is my hero, but she is a heart attack waiting to happen. When she got her master's degree about ten years ago she gained about thirty pounds, all in the heart attack alleyway of her midsection. It grows every year: she's probably up to forty-five or fifty pounds overweight now. She works from 6 AM to 6 PM, and, since her last promotion, she now comes home and works on her laptop in the evenings. Her sleep patterns are not good -- she suffers from intermittent insomnia. Her blood pressure and triglyceride numbers are sucky. She does not take very good care of herself. We've tried talking to her about all of this, but it's like talking to a wall.

 

So while I know the Whole30 gurus say to lead by example, I couldn't help but drop hints about how great I feel, hoping that maybe she would do a Whole30, which might lead her to take better care of herself overall. So I bought her a copy of It Starts With Food. When it languished in her office for a few months, I took the very drastic step of reading it to her aloud when she was trapped in the car with me on a long roadtrip. I'm not proud, but it worked! She agreed to try a Whole30.

 

We've made it to Day 4, twice. One big problem is she, as a high powered executive, has business lunches a few times a week, and she will not refuse the food. Which makes the next issue even more baffling:

 

She doesn't eat enough. *My mother will not eat enough food.* I've walked her through the template I don't know how many times. I've stressed how the program doesn't work if she doesn't eat enough -- how her leptin levels are probably screwed up and she needs to eat even if she doesn't feel hungry. Still, her breakfast: a couple of slices of (probably nitratey) meat. Lunch: a salad (or she skips it). Dinner: She picks through whatever meat we're eating, nibbles at it, and eats a buttload of fruit. And dates. DATES! With a glycemic index of like 114! She eats those things like they're popcorn!

I think the biggest problem is she doesn't think she's eating unhealthy normally. She usually eats lots of whole grain wheats, lots of veg, LOTS of fruit. She hardly ever eats processed foods. Her problem is sugar. She's a sugar addict. A big one. And I think she's still convinced of the crappy science that says to lose weight you have to eat less. I know if I could just get her through the first few weeks and get her to start seeing results she would embrace the Whole30, but I'm afraid if she keeps having these false starts and failures she'll just give up on the program altogether. When I first told her about the Whole30, she outright dismissed it, saying, "That won't work for me." I'm afraid she's going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, that instead of recognizing her sugar problem, she's just going to dismiss herself as fundamentally unable to lose weight despite her *healthy* diet. 

ARG! Anyways, that was a long rant. But if anyone has any advice, I'm all ears!

[MrsStick]

Yikes, that's hard! I'm always mind-boggled by how people can gain/hold wait while not eating enough to make that happen in mainstream media's eyes at least.

 

I think the way you will have to approach this is by feeding her good foods. Have your dad make compliant delicious food to try to tempt her. With as hard as she DOESN'T want to do it, that will be your best bet.

[healthyAbby]

Does she buy the dates/fruit? Maybe you can use them to make complaint foods before she can eat them all?

[snowflower]

You can lead a horse to water.......

I struggled with this same type of situation for years. In my case it was my husband. He was 100 pounds overweight. I remember very specifically having a conversation with him where I asked "What can I do to help you?" He said "Pack my lunch for me on work days." So I did! I was already making my own lunch every day, so it wasn't a lot of extra work. Things were going great (or so I thought). He would eat breakfast at home, his packed lunch and dinner that I prepared. Then one day I needed something from his truck and when I climbed in I was confused and crushed......there on the floor of the passenger side were several untouched lunches that I had made AND dozens of fast food wrappers and bags.

What did I learn from this? I learned that people need to make their own choices and take responsibility for those choices in order to be successful. No matter how much I love someone and care about their health and well-being, I can't force them to make changes.

It is not your responsibility to change your mother. Love her as she is.

[Tina R]

I agree with snowflower your mom has to make the decision to change on her own and you can't make the changes for her. Also, whole30 doesn't work everyone. She may feel better eating more vegetarian and with her busy schedule sugar may help her get through her day. The same could be said for people who drink coffee all day or energy drinks. We do what works for us and only change when it stops working or we are ready. Hopefully you can focus on your success and how great you feel. Congratulations!

[Brewer5]

Much like family members can cry and beg their loved ones to quit smoking -- hide their cigarettes, use guilt, horror stories, recite facts and statistics, etc -- the person has to want it for themselves badly enough to go through whatever it takes to get to the other side.  This is no different.  Your mother will have to reach a point where she is miserable enough to really want to make the changes and stick with them.  I know that is hard to hear -- but it really is the truth, and the sooner you can wrap your head around that and move on, the better off you will be.  Continue to enjoy your successes -- she will see it -- and when she is ready, let her come to you.

[Carlaccini]

I am truly sorry to hear your troubles with your mom.  I know this is very hard for you.  I am going through a similar experience myself these days - except it's from the opposite end - my mom's body is attacking itself, she is the thinest she has ever been and survives on grains and fruit.  She is low on iron, B12, and B6 - desperately needs to eat meat but is convinced because she read it in a 25 year old medical dictionary that red meat was bad for her rheumatoid arthrytis.  Sigh.  So yes this is very hard.

 

The comments above are all correct.  She will not change unless she is convinced she has to.  She has to make the decision.  Not you.  She is clearly not ready to do this.  You have to accept this.  I have to accept this.

 

Now this is the hardest part of all - we as children have to listen to all health complaints, support, and watch our parents go downhill, all while holding the knowledge of something that might help them.  (Shucks! we know it will help them)  So cook her a healthy dinner on occasion, congratulate her when she makes a positive choice.  If she asks you for advice give it to her.  But then be quiet until she asks more.  If she doesn't ask more, and makes poor choices - accept that.  Be patient (I know this is hard).

[Dewdrop75]

I agree with everything so far, she has to do it on her own time when she is ready. If you keep showing her the positive effects that it has had on you, it may motivate her to really take it seriously. Hopefully she will come around soon. So for now, just be there for her, pray for her (if you pray), and encourage her when she is ready.

[GoJo09]

Maybe waiting until she has a few weeks holiday from work would be the time to get her to start - when there's a bit less stress, she doesn't have those business lunches every week, and she's not going to go through the crappy stages while trying to work. After a few weeks she might feel sufficiently better that she's willing to make the changes at work, too.

 

But as others have said, she's not a child and you don't get to control what she puts in her mouth.

[Hutlifr]

I can understand your frustrations, but I also can feel for your mom. All of us who had weight to lose were told to eat less... I am on day 12, struggling with the quantities I have to eat, and forcing myself to finish my plate with the minimum servings recommended on the food template page... I keep on thinking how was I able to eat a plate full of pasta with sauce, but the same plate full of veggies and proteins is too much? Eating lots is scary for me, and what did it for me was to be exposed to this kind of eating while vacationing with my daughter. I felt so much better. Maybe you could plan a vacation together, and cook for her for a while? Good luck!

[TinaH]

Hi Chocobob - it's been a few months since you started this thread, and I wonder how it's going?  Have you learned anything or have an updated perspective to share?

 

I'm in a similar situation with my dad.  He probably about 80 lbs overweight, walks slow (says it's circulation issues), in his 70's, and lives by himself (far from me in another state.)  I'm going to visit him at the end of October because he's decided he's not comfortable travelling.  It breaks my heart.

 

Nutrition has always been an issue for him, honestly due to lack of knowledge of what's best, and then being a bachelor since I was 11 years old means he just had to feed himself.  He's lived off of cereal, lean cuisines, nuts, and diet soda for longer than I can remember. 

 

I am on day 10 of my whole30 and shared what I was doing with him and why.  He said he would love to learn about eating healthier.  I cried with joy and said I'll show him what I know when I visit.  I gave him a hint of what's to come by telling him it's actually a good thing to eat red meat and he just about cried with joy - lol.

 

So I've decided to approach this with an open mind.  I'm going to share Paleo eating with him, and offer him whole30 as a way to start.  He doesn't cook- so I'm worried it's going to be really hard for him.  I'm going to create some menus that he should be able to do (eggs, tuna, salad, etc) and will even buy him a crockpot and encourage use.  At this point I've decided that if he adopts at least 1 or 2 better eating habits, I will be thrilled.  Then, when he asks me for more info/ideas, I'll be ready to help him.

 

Crossing my fingers that he'll choose to really give this a try.

[MeadowLily]

Dang.  It's too bad your father can't move where you are.   I'm able to take care of my folks and I have improved their palates with good eats.  I love taking care of my folks.   My husband and I fix many of their meals during the week and I consider it a great honor.   Sunday dinner is always our big doin's.  

This afternoon, we had grass-fed beef, acorn squash, baked potatoes, salad, olive tapenade and cherries.  No one missed the bread.  We do have good butter...butter not allowed on the W30.  Help your father all you can, Tina.  You will never ever regret one minute of helping your family and others.