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Alcohol - judgement free zone


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I'm on day 22 and I'm really struggling with no alcohol.  I've been through several social events where I did not drink but felt very isolated because of it (wine tasting, weekend in the mountains with friends, parties, etc).  My friends have not pushed me at all to drink, but I am less loose, less social, and get tired a lot more easily when everyone is drinking and I'm not.  I've also been on a few online dates and they were pretty awful because I didn't have alcohol to help with nerves/conversation.

 

This is all making me really question what an appropriate relationship to alcohol is.  Alcohol is a huge part of my identity.  I love making cocktails, touring distilleries, and finding great, obscure stuff to give to friends or serve at home.  I am truly happy learning about, smelling, mixing, and consuming alcohol.  It's more cocktails than wine - cocktails and spirits are my biggest creative outlet.  I have an extensive bar and my friends have come to expect a delicious, creative cocktail from me at almost every social event.  I make homemade liqueurs and bitters.  It's a big way I give and contribute creatively.  I feel like I'm really missing some creative outlet in my life without this part of my identity, and it's making me cranky.

 

However, I also realize that I really, really like to drink.  I haven't been craving ANYTHING except a cocktail.  The thought of never having another drink in my life makes me depressed (I'm 31).  That said, I get tipsy but very rarely get drunk drunk.  I have never blacked out.  I haven't done anything stupid or unsafe since college.  I make sure I'm in safe situations and control how much I drink, and I never drink alone. I am very, very aware of my relationship to alcohol, because I like it so much and know that I need to be.  Alcoholism doesn't run in my family, but we all tend to like our cocktails.

 

I guess the bottom line is - how do you find your balance with alcohol?  What does a healthy relationship look like?  How do you know when you're balanced and ok, and how do you know you're in denial?

 

I know that alcohol is a really loaded topic, especially on a health board, so I'll ask for respect, balance, and thoughtfulness here.  Thanks.

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Many of us struggle with the questions you've posed. You are not alone.

I still toy with the idea of giving up alcohol altogether--I've pretty much been on an extended w30 since March with a handful of times off roading for, you guessed it, cocktails. I discovered I don't love drinking like I once did, and I certainly despise how I feel the next day. Even when I don't overindulge (between 1 and 3 drinks over the course of many hours, say), I need to recover the next day. It seems that clean eating makes me more sensitive to alcohol's toxic effects.

Anyway, the answer, or question, rather, I've come up with for myself about alcohol is the same answer I've come up with for consuming other less-than-optimally-healthy things for me. Can I really savor this? Will I truly enjoy it?

For example, I'm going to stay with friends I see once a year next week at their beach house. I'm going to do my best to stick to the template as much as possible without making it an issue or drawing attention to it, and I'm also planning to have a cocktail at a restaurant we love and will dine at as well as a sundae at a beloved local ice cream shop off the boardwalk. I will savor every mouthful of both and enjoy the fleeting summertime pleasures with my dear friends without guilt.

What I have no interest in doing anymore is drinking for the mere effect of alcohol, to loosen up or let go. Needing alcohol to do that, for me, speaks to a larger issue I need to address.

Though I hear you on the online dating thing. Alcohol may seem to make things easier in the moment, but I'm happier with myself the next day when I've stayed sober. I've also played with a two-drink limit and a three-bite limit when it comes to dessert, but I can't help but think that creating rules for myself around substances (namely alcohol and sugar, both the same beast, really), suggests I have a problem with those substances.

I hope my sharing my experience is helpful, and best of luck making your own way with this.

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Do you have Well Fed II? Melissa Joulwan says "WARNING: Sometimes, when the pleasure of food and lubrication of booze is subtracted from a social situation, it becomes dull. This is a natural step in your evolution; do not despair! Other good and healthy and valuable and fun things will emerge. Believe it!

 

I think the whole30 really shines a spot light on our lives and sometimes we don't want to look at that part. Once you have done a whole30 and know that you can live without alcohol for 30 days you will be able to find the balance in your life. Yes I too don't think I could go the rest of my life without Alcohol, Ice Cream, Cheese, etc. I know if I open a bottle of wine I will have one glass each night until it is gone, then I won't open another one for a week or two. That works for me. Good Luck!

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I can so relate to you. The habit and ritual of a nice drink was tough to give up during my first Whole30.

 

Hubz and I invested in the SodaStream machine and we make our own seltzer water. WORTH EVERY PENNY! It makes super fizzy drinks.We keep lemons and limes on hand for a fresh squeeze, and I bet you could come up with some other even better add-ins. It's divine. We also drink kombucha in a wine glass, another nice treat.

 

Honestly, a lot of what makes a drink desirable is the ritual of it all. Put it in a nice glass. Toast. Sit on your patio/deck/porch or at your nicely set dinner table and celebrate whatever occasion it is, whether that be a job promotion, the fact that you are alive or simply a Wednesday.

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Great points, ultrarunnergirl! I make a ritual of my evening champagne flute of home-brewed kombucha. OP, I was a cocktail maven once, too, and home brewing kombucha has filled that need. I hadn't really thought about it that way, but it's true. Infinite variations on second ferment flavors. Very creative, fun, tasty, with the added bonus of feeling like a science experiment.

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You guys are great.  I actually spent a whole hour talking through this with my therapist last night - I know that if something makes me uncomfortable, it's worth exploring.  I think the kombucha brewing is a great idea, I can definitely get into that.  And ultrarunnergirl, I LOVE my sodastream!  Honestly, bubbly water is the only thing that's helped me get through this.  I think I just love beverages in general!

 

I'm going to keep being aware of how I feel and what my gut is telling me throughout this process.  I'm feeling a little more confident than when I originally posted yesterday, and a little more in touch with what I need in my life.  I definitely need the creativity, the feeling of hospitality and caring for others that making them a drink gives me, and yes, the ritual (I have dozens of specialty glasses, different shapes of ice, etc).  I am confident that I can find a good place for alcohol in my life without letting it rule me.  In all reality, we encounter dozens of things every day where we have to limit or make decisions about in order to live the life we want.  Some are easy ("well, I don't think I'll have anonymous, unprotected sex today!), some are a little more complicated and in that fuzzy gray area of life.  Alcohol is that for me, and it sounds like lots of other people. 

 

Thank goodness we have the awareness and intuitiveness to make good decisions about how we treat ourselves!

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Thank you sooooo much for posting this... I went off my Whole30 last night (on day 11) "because it was my anniversary"... I opened a bottle of wine to marinate the steaks and I marinated myself...

I too am looking at this issue for myself and am so relieved someone else wrote about it...

Thank you for your honesty and risking...

Back on Day One (though my head is saying... ohhh just drink tonight and you can start over tomorrow :-/

Me being alone in my head is a scary thing mostly so thanks for getting me out ...

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This is a great thread dlgallian - thanks for raising it.

 

I'm on day 27 now but plan on extending for a bit. Feeling fantastic now but dealing with my alcohol demons wasn't fun to start with.

 

This little video helped put it in context for me - https://www.hellosundaymorning.org/videos/5 . I hope you have time to look at it.

 

In essence, the idea is that alcohol should be something that we can enjoy, not something that we need (outside of the Whole30 timeline, no-one is advocating total abstinence unless that's what you feel is right for you). So ... we shouldn't need it to relax, destress, be sociable, improve our confidence - we should be able to enjoy it for what it is but not feel unhappy or insecure when we can't have it. Understanding the extent of our current relationship with alcohol is so important as it pervades our society and we get swept along unawares. Speaking personally, I totally did not understand how dependent I was until I decided to take a break (and now wish I'd done it a long time ago).

 

I was a daily drinker when I started my HSM (I'm currently almost 8 weeks without alcohol). It scared me half to death to think of a life without alcohol but I knew I needed to redefine my relationship with the drink. I committed to 3 months off and was unsure I'd even make it through the first week - but I did and already by the time I hit week 5 I had realised so many positive benefits. I really did not expect this to happen. Things have continued to improve for me on a daily basis as I've adapted to cope with social situations and every day stresses that would be trigger points for my drinking.

Please check out my 5 week update on my profile on HSM as a quick summary of some of the changes I've observed - https://www.hellosundaymorning.org/magritte/posts/70055-5-weeks

 

Anyway - what got me through?

1. Kombucha :) Not only is it Whole30 compliant but it has just the right taste to replace either a beer at lunch or wine in the evening. And I only need to have 1 of them but it's a great little substitute. Beyond that it's been soda water with a slice of lime or lemon or herbal teas but I love my daily kombucha ritual.

2. Exercise - or more specifically, taking up running. Never having been a runner before I hadn't realised how powerful the endorphins you release can be. This really helped boost my mood which kept me from slinking back to the bottle. When I've felt weak or under pressure I've made conscious efforts to get physical, do some exercise or go for a run. I've been running pretty much every day now for 8 weeks.

2. Support - the HSM community has been a lifeline here and has kept me going along with support during my Whole30 from the folks on this forum. In fact, if I were to put this list in order - I'd say having the support and being accountable to a group of supporters probably tops the list.

 

Anyway - congrats on getting this far with your Whole30 and wish you every success.

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Such a great thread.

 

One thing I noticed after my first Whole30, grain alcochols make me sick! Feelings I had attributed to "hangover" were not!

I now avoid anything with gluten containing ingredients now, regardless of claims of how gluten free something is.

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Such a great thread.

 

One thing I noticed after my first Whole30, grain alcochols make me sick! Feelings I had attributed to "hangover" were not!

I now avoid anything with gluten containing ingredients now, regardless of claims of how gluten free something is.

This is what I learned about beer for me. No go.

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Back to ultrarunnergirl's comment about the ritual aspect of cocktail hour, I've found that fancy iced teas fit the bill. Example: Green tea blended with an herbal, e.g. Lemon-ginger or hibiscus or orange-spice makes a great refresher. Steep it strong then pour over tall glass of ice, add a twist of citrus and a sprig of mint. Pure porch-sittin' pleasure!

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Thanks for posting this dlgallian! 

 

I know many people struggle with this topic, including me.  My hubbie and I also have fun creating and experimenting with new cocktails, and I find that alcohol contributes to what we consider our relaxing and fun time.  I don't remember the last time I was drunk, but I know there are plenty of times I have more than the 7 drinks per week (recommended for females). 

 

My philosophy with this is that Whole30 (I'm on Day 7) definitely makes you question WHY you do certain things, and that's a good thing.  An argument could be made that fermented beverages (wine, beer, spirits), have been part of human culture for centuries, and although they aren't considered "paleo," they have been part of the human diet a lot longer than Cheetos and cookies!  You sound like you have a healthy relationship with alcohol, and I wouldn't feel "guilty" about it.  The mere fact that you willingly gave it up for 30 days shows that you don't truly depend on it. 

 

Maybe you will have a slightly different relationship with your cocktails after Whole30, and that's not a bad thing, either :)

 

D

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I would like to think I have a very healthy relationship with alcohol. I also have the experience of having someone in my family who has an addiction to alcohol to compare/contrast with. When that person initially went sober, and even through the years since first going sober, they have had times where it was hard for them to be in social situations or certain settings when they couldn't drink. However, I would be in the same place with them, also not be drinking (by choice) and couldn't see why it even matters.

 

The only times I drink are very worthwhile occasions, like someone very close to me getting married or a rare get-together with friends at an 80's dance club where we've all decided in advance drinking was probably going to be involved (like we're trying to relive being 25 again). This amounts to maybe 1 time a year. Not every get-together at the bar, not every party I'm invited to where we finally don't have the kids around - only things that are really worth it to me. And, even then, if at the last minute I'm just not feeling like having a crappy night's sleep or being hungover the next morning, I'll just decline. Even if I had already told my friend we were going to stay up and drink until 3 a.m. I'm allowed to say no just because.

 

If you can't enjoy something without a drink, that's a pretty clear sign you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I can't say I'm ever in a situation where I feel that way. Also, if I had planned to drink at something and then wound up not being able to (like I suddenly get designated to drive) out of the blue, it doesn't bother me and I don't feel let down. I don't feel left out being the only sober person in the room and I don't care if that means I leave early to go to bed. 

 

I also know of a couple who are huge into wine. They are very passionate about it and feel it is their creative outlet too. They don't let the alcohol interfere in their working lives, it is a social thing mostly. But, from the outside, even to their adult sons, they really just seem like a couple of functional alcoholics. Something to think about.

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I'm a big fan of beer.  Before my W30 I would drink beer while cooking dinner.   What I realized while doing my W30 was that I was using beer as food (ie. I was hungry before dinner and filling up on beer, helped with the hunger pains.)  I also realized that I'm a big sugar addict and beer/alcohol is just another sugar that I was abusing.

 

Giving up beer while doing my W30 was challenging for me.  I didn't know what to do while cooking dinner (sounds stupid) but true.  I started drinking club soda over ice.  That gave me the fizzy, cold drink sensation.  I still drink a lot of club soda.  I might be replacing the beer with something else, but at least it's not something else unhealthy.

 

But I did realize how much better I felt without beer every night.  I sleep better and my mental clarity is better the next day.  Now when I do drink (usually just friday and sat night), the next day I think "ugh, why did I bother?"

 

The good news is that my tolerance is much lower, so I don't drink as much when I do.

 

As far as finding a balance....I thought I had a balance prior to my W30.  But after removing alcohol for those 30 days, I realized I _could_ have a new balance (with less beers per week), if I chose to.  Because less beers made me feel better with higher enery levels, I now choose to drink less....just like I chose to eat less junk.

 

Finding a new balance is change and often change is uncomfortable at first.  But ride it out and maybe you will find a new definition of yourself.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've recently discovered shrubs. Though you'd have to wait til after your Whole30 due to the sugar in the recipes, this is a delicious replacement for alcoholic beverages.

 

http://drinks.seriouseats.com/2012/08/cocktail-101-complex-shurb-syrups-how-to-add-herbs-to-shrubs.html

 

These look great - I could never see a reason to get a sodastream (I'm not fond of plain seltzer, and their flavors are not my thing - dbf has one), but!  Fizz some water and add some homemade shrubbery :)  ... I could get into that.

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This is SUCH a great thread! My thing isn't alcohol, but caffeine/green tea....but it's that same type of unhealthy relationship with a substance.  I've gotten a lot from this thread! Thanks for your brave and vulnerable post that started this discussion, dlgallian!!!

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As a person in recovery, I obviously have some experience with this, but I also am very clear that not every heavy drinker is an alcoholic. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous keeps it simple:  If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.

 

If that's not the case for you - if you are in control of when you drink and how much you drink - there's a good chance you just love booze and you'll be reunited when your Whole 30 is done. Nothing wrong with that!

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I have done W30s off and on for the past few years.  I also really liked to drink.  The first couple of times, I was planning my Day 31 drink a week in advance.  Every few months I would do another W30, and each time the draw of alcohol was less when it was over.  It just became less important to me, and I started liking the way I felt without alcohol more than I liked the way I felt with it.  But mostly because it is so woven into our social fabric, I always started again.

 

A year and a half ago, I joined a group of people doing a W100.  The one thing that almost stopped me was the fact that I had never gone 100 days in my life without a drink.  I didn't know if I could.  But for some reason, those 100 days made the difference.  After more than 3 months without alcohol, I found I no longer missed it, and I had no desire to pick it up again. I haven't to this day.

 

I'm not saying I'll never have another drink.  I didn't "quit drinking" or go "on the wagon".  I just made a choice that I prefer the way I feel without booze and so far, the thought of how I would feel the next day makes any fleeting idea of drinking just not worth it.  It's no different than discovering on this journey that wheat and dairy make you feel terrible.  You may still decide to splurge on that pizza once in a while, but each time the contrast between the you-with and the you-without gets starker.  Eventually you look at that pizza and decide it just isn't worth it.  That's how it wound up for me with alcohol.

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Ive been having coconut water in a wine glass at the usual trigger time for me to have a vino. Am also in the process of making my own Kombucha. Super excited to taste the end results. Good luck to you all on the alcohol demon journey. Its not easy, I have chomped at the bit on more than one occasion. 

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I started this thread a while ago http://forum.whole9life.com/topic/19561-alcohol/

 

Though I will admit that today I went peach picking with my dad, uncle ,and sister, and on the way back we stopped by a small Meadery and had a small tasting, and mead is really good! I bought a growler full of their peach mead that they brew more like a cider (low alcohol, under pressure so it's fizzy) made with peaches from the same you-pick farm where we'd just picked fresh peaches. They also make kombucha and all the profits from the kombucha go towards an animal rescue that the guy's mom runs.

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Thanks for starting this thread; it's helped a lot. dlgallian, I love a great cocktail also but don't like that fact that most of them use sugar in one way or another- either simple syrup or sweet liquors or both! When you are not doing W30, do you use sugar in your cocktails? If not, what do you substitute for the sugar? 

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so glad I found this thread !! I haven't started my w30 (starting 9/4) and all my friends are all supportive but the first words out of their mouths were "you ?? a full 30 days" I'm not an everyday drinker but I do like my drinks. I am fully ok with no drinking after this - If I am truly feeling as good as everyone says I will be feeling.

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I know when I started my first 30, I was bummed about the no alcohol. A glass or two of wine after a stressful work day was my only way to chill out before bed. Now on day 18, I realize I can go without alcohol if I so wish. However, I realize I don't need alcohol but I ENJOY it. Mostly wine. The process of how it's made, the different tastes and wonderful smells. It's not just about the alcohol, it's the culture behind it and I find great enjoyment in it. After my 30, I know I won't be able to cut out wine, however I am going to cut out a lot of grain alcohols. Living without all the grains have made me feel way better!


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