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Non-Whole30 friend who thinks they are


twinkletoes

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I told a friend of mine that I am doing the Whole30 and he got really excited and decided he was going to do it too.  I was really happy - yay!  Someone to do this with.   But, for the past 10 days or so he has been telling me about how he is subsisting on white potatoes and fruit, how he is still going to have a glass of wine every night because he can't give it up, about all the times he has "cheated" by eating chocolate and sweets.  I have tried to challenge him on these items explaining why the program encourages minimal intake of potatoes and fruit and no consumption of wine and sugar....but I have not told him that it has been driving me nuts, until now.

 

Dealing with this has been even more difficult than my uncle waving the dessert tray under my nose trying to get me to eat something from it (he did not know I am doing the Whole30, so I don't hold it against him).  I guess I really feel resentment toward my friend.  It feels kind of like my achievements (100% clean for 12 days now) are being undercut by someone who thinks they are doing the Whole30 but really are not.  At a time when I am questioning my resolve multiple times per day, I just can't handle dealing with them right now.

 

So this morning, after the last "cheat" report, I tried to gently tell him that he didn't have to tell me every time he was not compliant.  That I am there for him if he is fully committed to the program, but that it does not seem like it is the right time for him.  That I am working hard to stay 100% with the program and it breaks down my resolve when I hear about all the chocolate and wine.

 

I didn't really get a response and I think I hurt his feelings.  Looking back I probably could have said things a little differently.  I think my words were still coming from a place of resentment/jealousy.

 

Has anyone else had this experience?  Is there anything I could have done differently?  Should I have not said anything and just continued to listen to him?  What should I do now?  I feel both angry and guilty now and I am having thoughts of masking those feelings with junk food.  I won't but ugh...

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Lead by example, Twinkletoes.

 

A man convinced against his own will is of the same opinion still.   Say no more and hold your peace.  He may come around but it will be on his own terms.   It is harder to convince our close relatives and friends than perfect strangers....stay strong.  Your positive results will be a walking billboard for radiant health.   Your upbeat attitude is contagious.....just you wait and see.

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A Whole30 is a 100 percent commitment with no cheats and no adjustments based upon what a person's doctor thinks is okay, what another diet plan includes, or personal preferences. I think you have bent over backwards being nice to your friend as he tells you about his imaginary program. However, it is time to be nice to yourself and stop talking with him about food. He does not need your support with his imaginary program and his reports of what he is eating is making your life more difficult. A real friend will respect your declaring a stop to all talk of food for as long as you want. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

This sounds a lot like 'crazy stuff people say'.  Instead of a one liner...this guy is having a whole drawn out conversation with you.  I love Tom's description of 'imaginary program'.  That pretty much sums it up!

 

Do it for yourself.  Who cares what he does?

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I asked a coworker, who is always working on losing weight, if she would be interested in doing a Whole30 together. I've never had anyone to do something like this with, so thought it'd be a win- win. She agreed, and did some reading up on it and we set our start date. The first week, I made sure to ask her how things are going every day - not once has she initiated conversation with me about this. I have sensed this may not be a good time for her, but she's been silently playing along like she is doing this. I know at least twice that she has gone out for drinks and I know she's eating dairy, so she's certainly not doing THIS program. I'm saddened and frustrated, but have decided not to challenge her on this. I'm staying the course and I guess we'll each get results according to the effort we put in.

Twinkletoes, I "feel your pain" and feel bad that you don't have the partner in this that you thought you did. HOWEVER, you will have results that he will not. Hang in there, and come here for your support and encouragement.

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We can't do this for anyone else.    I know someone who tried to drag her sister along to 'ww' meetings and scheduled weigh-ins...  It was similar to a cattle chute.  The sister had to keep using a cattle prod (electric) to try and  keep the ball rolling.   It didn't work because there was defiance and resistance.   

 

Often times, our friends will go along to keep the peace, but silently....their heads are far, far away.   We don't want them to run away but they might if we push too hard. 

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It must be hard when this comes from a close friend. I understand a little of what you are going through because everyday I see posts of people having banana pancakes and fruit smoothies and blending frozen coconut milk and fruit to makes ice cream, this is not in the spirit of the whole30 but these people are saying that all the ingredients are compliant so it's ok. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself. It's great to have a buddy but sometimes they are more of a road block. If he wants to eat a sad diet let him. It has nothing to do with your success. Good Luck!

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Thank you guys for the support!  I actually just finished the Whole30 and I feel great.  I followed up with my friend not long after my original post and he ended up being really great - he said he hadn't even realized what he was doing and how it was affecting me.  After our talk, he stopped bringing up food and concede that he was not following the program.  He was still super supportive though, and if I needed a little cheerleading to keep me going, I could count on him.  It ended up working out very well.

 

I think everyone has to find their own path and their own time, and this just wasn't his.  

 

Justme, I really identified with your story about your co-worker.  There seems to be so much guilt and shame around food and weight which is probably why your co-worker is staying silent around you.

 

One of the reasons I like this program (if you follow it) is that it minimizes those feelings - no counting calories (guilt) and not weighing in every day (shame).  The best motivation to eat healthy is to want to be healthy.  If you are not at a place where that is not enough motivation, then you might not be in right place to make a sustainable change to be healthy.

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  • 3 weeks later...

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Completing my first whole30 was one of the hardest things to do. To stay strong and not give up even in the face of a friend who has, is tough. You want this and you're sticking to it. That's all you need. Your friend will still be there on the other side of your thirty days if they are truly your friend. That person will understand. Mind over matter. You got this.

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