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Frustrated Husband


Higgles

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I just had a pretty heated discussion yesterday with my husband over my post-whole 30 plan and I feel so deflated. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, but maybe just to see if others have been able to maintain this lifestyle without their significant others buy-in.

 

To start, I've had digestive issues that I couldn't pin-point for years, in addition I've always been slightly overweight with some periods being more than slightly.  In high school I self-diagnosed myself as lactose intolerant and gave up milk products but in reality, that didn't stop my issues. In college I joined WW to lose weight (I gained the Freshman 20 or so), after college I joined Jenny Craig (gained some additional weight being out in the real world), but was always one of those people that thought exercise was 80% of the solution and diet was 20%... I adhered to the conventional idea of eating healthy (whole grains and low fat). My husband snacks all day and doesn't gain any weight, he takes after his grandfather who was thin his entire life. Its awkward weighing considerably more than your spouse. He always blames my portions, "we eat healthy, you just eat so much more than me, I don't know how you do it."

 

A few years ago after watching some Netflix documentaries my husband jumped on the healthy eating bandwagon with me and together we changed our eating habits to reduce our meat intake, change to grass fed and organic meat and organic veggies and we bought a juicer (although I primarily used it). About a year and a half ago, I did a juice cleanse and decided I wanted to be a vegetarian. I felt great, lost weight and felt healthier. He was not on that bandwagon and for the next year we cooked two separate meals every day, and although he hated it, neither of us were budging and so we endured. Doing two separate meal plans was tough, I gained back all the weight I lost because I relied a lot on convenience foods and my vegetable intake wasn't as large as I wanted it to me.

 

When I found the Whole 30 plan I decided to stop being a vegetarian. For the time I was with my husband my intestinal issues had gotten worse and so he was very supportive of the idea of an elimination diet to find out what was wrong. I had been to gastroenterologists and had tests run but nothing ever came up.  I made it into day 20 something before I broke down on a business trip. I started again 33 days ago and made it the entire 30 days. I feel great, I lost 10 pounds (out of a 30 total to lose) and although I wanted to do a reintroduction I wasn't really planning on eating the way I was before.

 

Except... my husband was. He has never viewed this as more than an elimination diet to determine what foods cause me issues and then we can go back to normal. He has been extremely supportive through this entire process, cutting out foods himself, checking labels, doing all the cooking, and he wants to go back to normal. He misses carbs, he wants rice at dinner, all those sorts of things. And when I mentioned last night that I wasn't planning on adding anything back in he flipped out. I think I've been so wrapped up in my own planning and thinking about the way forward that I never really discussed my thoughts with him, and I'm now being told I don't take him into consideration at all even though he has had to deal with my constant diet changes. I can't deny those feelings, but at the same time, I want to keep losing weight, I don't want to go back to the way I was even after I pinpoint what foods bother me.

 

I tried to think of some compromises, like, we can absolutely do burgers and things I just won't eat the bun, or we can make rice and freeze them in serving size portions so you can just add it in and its not extra work, but nothing I was saying was making him consider it. He thinks its going to be the same way when I was vegetarian and it was two different meals and he's not having it. For some reason he has it in his mind that he can't have something if I can't, and I've repeatedly told him that's not true. I don't want a bun, that doesn't mean you can't have it. I don't want rice, we can still make rice for you, I don't see what the big deal is, but he does and he was so upset last night thinking that his wants or needs will always come second.

 

I guess in the end, I know he's right for not discussing my plan with him or thinking about him especially when he's done everything I've asked, but I also don't want to go back to the way I was. About halfway through my 2nd attempt at the W30 he told me that I had to be successful this time because he wasn't going to go through this again. I was really upset after that comment because I know its been hard on him but I was doing everything I could to make it easy. I had also had in my head that I wanted to do a W30 once a year if I got off track.  I truly believe the foods we've cut out aren't beneficial to us, and I want to stop being fat. We both used to make fun of our paleo friends prior to this, and now I'm the one changing my tune. I'm not quite sure what the best answer is to take both of our wants into consideration and I'm really discouraged right now. Thank you for listening...

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Maybe he'll come round once he gets used to the idea and sees how it can work ;(

my household is just myself and my 7 year old and we eat the same meals (except the odd occasion when I treat him to pizza...his favourite) but I'll cook rice for his chili whilst I have a bowlful, same with curries and chinese dishes, or we have burgers and he has a bun and ketchup whilst I have mine in a lettuce leaf.

Unless you are constantly making dishes where the grains are part of the dish (like lasagna) it is very doable x

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He's being ridiculous. In fact, it sounds like he's trying to sabotage your health. Your post rings a lot of alarm bells for me. He won't eat rice because you're not eating rice? Even though you are offering to prepare rice for him? But not in a supportive way, in a you have to eat rice so I can eat rice way? Ummmm, no. You eat what you want to eat. He can either eat the same, or he can eat what he wants to eat. Which he can either prep himself, or have you (graciously, under the circumstances!!) prep for him. It sounds like you've had a lot of dietary changes of direction over recent years and it may be that is frustrating him. But either way, he is trying to undermine and sabotage your efforts and that is concerning indeed.

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That sounds like a tough situation to be in, and I'm very sorry! Now, living alone I'm not particularly qualified to offer advice, but I find it hard to imagine that he would indeed consciously undermine your efforts for better health like Hannilib said. It reads like it, but no one would do this to someone they love and it really might be simple impatience with ever changing dietary projects that - at least in the past - were somewhat doomed to fail (this I know something about!). You know, like the boy who cried wolf - the girl who cried lifestyle change. I, too, am that girl, and completely understand my family's growing impatience with my diets. Maybe your husband just assumed that this would be another one-off thing and finds it hard to wrap his head around the fact that this time there really will be long-term changes and that you are serious about it. But it's not the start of yet another diet, it's the end of a long period of trial and error. His reaction to your ideas or compromises doesn't seem to be very rational, so I'm sure that, given some time, he'll adjust and might even feel a bit bad about the discussion you two had. After all, his needs aren't coming second, although they might not necessarily have been at the forefront of your mind while you were figuring things out for yourself. He may profit from some healthier food while still being able to have whatever he wants anytime he wants it, and he'll also get a healthier and happier wife who doesn't have to rely on his continuous support anymore. Win-Win!

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Honestly, I think it's worth doing reintroductions. Going through that process is absolutely necessary to determining how to move forward for the long haul.

 

It seems to me that you're still in the all-or-nothing diet mentality, and I can understand your husband's fears and impatience. I can also understand yours.

 

The fact is, though, that it's a Whole30, not a Whole365. If you feel you need more time with W30, then keep it up, but don't expect to do it forever, and perhaps set a date to do reintroductions. Learn what your body can and cannot tolerate, what the effects are of certain less than optimal foods, and then decide when it's worth it for you to off road.

 

My guess is that if your husband witnesses you go through that process, he'll be on board with the way you decide to move forward--and that it won't be yet another "diet" you've tried.

 

My history is much like yours, but I've been living a Whole9 lifestyle for a couple years now. It is not a diet. It's the way to completely change your relationship with food and your body. It seems you're at a crucial point in your journey. I urge you to drop the dieting mentality, do reintroductions, and have a well-informed plan for how to live the rest of your life happy, healthy, and free from food issues. It can be done!

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Me again. Yet another thought.

It seems that every time you made a dietary change, he adjusted with you for support. Which is absolutely wonderful, and a great thing to do. Now, however, may not just mark a change in your food related behaviour, but also a change in your relationship dynamic, because now you actually CAN do it on your own. You probably can't blame him for being a bit cautious and thinking that, again, it can't or won't continue to be successful without his involvement. It may take some time to actually convince him that you've indeed found your way of eating, and prove that you don't have to rely on someone else doing it with you, but eventually it's going to sink in and you'll establish a new and different routine. Change is always hard and requires some adjustment, but I'd say this is a good change and worth the effort.

Okay, I'm done now :)

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All of you have been so amazing with your posts, I'm so thankful someone understands both our sides. I completely agree with the "girl who cried wolf" thoughts... Last night I quoted something he says all the time, if you keep doing what you've always done, then you'll continue to have the results you've always had. Going back to eating the way I have isn't going to fix anything even if I cut out the foods that negatively affect me. He knows I'm unhappy with my body and the way my body feels, but I just haven't been able to figure out how to get to a place where I'm good, and I felt like I finally found it.

 

LadyM, you're right, its not a Whole365, and its not meant to be... maybe I'm just getting swept up in the idea, but it sounds like so many people on this forum have continued the Whole30 frame of mind and sound healthy and happy. He really wants me to do the reintroduction, he wants to know what foods bother me and he's willing to write them off forever, but he doesn't understand why I'd want to write off the foods that don't bother me too...

 

I ended the convo with the fact that we shouldn't be having these conversations until I finish the reintro, its silly to fight over things we don't even know about yet. He apologized several times for making me upset, but honestly, if I had said much of anything back I would have said something mean so I just stayed quiet because I was still pretty hurt and frustrated with both of us. I really appreciate everyone's insight.

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That sounds like a tough situation to be in, and I'm very sorry! Now, living alone I'm not particularly qualified to offer advice, but I find it hard to imagine that he would indeed consciously undermine your efforts for better health like Hannilib said. It reads like it, but no one would do this to someone they love

This is a really sweet thought, but I can assure you that there absolutely are people who would do this and do do this.

OP I hope I'm barking up the wrong tree here, but things you have written really concern me. There are plenty people whose partners refuse to w30 along with them but the stance your husband is taking is very odd indeed. Along with telling you that you eat too much and that's why you're overweight. Just UGH.

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My wife does not eat Whole30-style. Never has and says she never will. I work from home and eat most meals at home. She eats a lot of take out food. I cook every day. When she eats with me, she eats less veggies than I do and adds bread, rice, yogurt, etc to meals that I cook. I wish she ate more veggies, but what we are doing works. 

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This is a really sweet thought, but I can assure you that there absolutely are people who would do this and do do this.

OP I hope I'm barking up the wrong tree here, but things you have written really concern me. There are plenty people whose partners refuse to w30 along with them but the stance your husband is taking is very odd indeed. Along with telling you that you eat too much and that's why you're overweight. Just UGH.

 

 

Hannlib, I understand where you're coming from, that's why I tried to show the support he actually has given because he's not trying to be the bad guy.  I agree that its weird he won't get over the idea that he can still eat things even if I don't, it doesn't make sense because to me its not two different meals. And maybe he's just overreacting and will realize that someday (hopefully soon). To note, he doesn't call me overweight ever, but I am and its not like he'll deny it either. I could easily eat twice what he eats, but then he'll go and snack on crackers the second we leave the dinner table, that piece annoys the crap out of me. So when he sees me get upset about my weight, and sees how much I eat (not necessarily whole 30, just in my life total), he will mention that he doesn't understand how I can eat that much and if I controlled my portion size maybe I wouldn't have such an issue. Its a pretty easy thing for a skinny guy with no idea of weight loss to say..

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My wife does not eat Whole30-style. Never has and says she never will. I work from home and eat most meals at home. She eats a lot of take out food. I cook every day. When she eats my food, she eats less veggies than I do and adds bread, rice, yogurt, etc to meals that I cook. I wish she ate more veggies, but what we are doing works. 

 

Tom, I love that you wrote this, thank you. You seem to be the Whole 30 guru for the forum and so its oddly comforting that you're able to stick to the lifestyle you choose even if you're not surrounded by it. That is the situation that I would hope to have one day, we eat the same thing but he can add some grains and cheeses whatever. I like eating veggies instead of grains, its what I originally felt like when I was a vegetarian.

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Higgles, best of luck as you navigate this! How great that he was supportive during your W30(s) and how frustrating to have this blow up now in this way. I agree with you that it may be a communication thing more than an eating thing. Having had a different expectation for this entire time must have made the realization (of you wanting to continue like this) feel like a real blow to him. Sometimes it's best not to argue about it - and you can even validate his frustration - but I really hope that you keep doing what you need to do for yourself. You seem pretty clear about what that is! You can be loving in the interactions but firm about what you need to do. In the end: it's your body, your health, your energy - so what you put in your mouth = your business.

 

When there are strong - and illogical - reactions like this from someone, there are often unexamined assumptions. In this case, something like:

 

couples who love each other and share a good life together eat the same foods

eating a range of foods is a mark of ----- (? I don't know: open-mindedness, sanity?) and it's what mature adults do

couples who are happy and loving share the same values around food and eating

Higgles eating differently from me means that she disapproves of what I eat

 

Or something along those lines. So that it's not actually your food that he's upset about; it's whatever assumptions he's making about food/eating and how that is handled within a couple that is creating such a strong reaction. Maybe he just needs to have his tantrum around this while you do what you need to do. 

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My other half - R - is very similar to what Tom describes his wife to be.

 

And R sounds an awful lot like your husband too! He used to not finish dinner (claim he wasn't that hungry) and then munch on crackers and fruit all evening long.  He also believes that you can out exercise certain foods.  He has also said similar things to me (I have battled my weight my entire life - and it's only recently that I've totally accepted the powerful, strong, but slightly overweight body I have been given) He has battled his weight a little bit - but not really.  

 

He called me crazy when I undertook my first whole 30 - I think he was scared that I was going to expect him to give up his favourites.  I never ever requested it.  We just made compromises so we could share the same meal together.  He will very often add pasta, rice or bread to his dishes.  I never complained nor asked him to remove them.  If he ate a "trigger" food, like ice cream or chocolate, I would ask him not to eat them in front of me.

 

I too have been through diets like WW and Herbal Magic.  So he has seen the phases and has been patient through them. But he knew how unhappy and how unhealthy I felt - so once he saw the changes happen and saw how sustainable eating whole 9 style is - he has been incredibly supportive - well almost.  He still occasionally brings up my weight and is surprised I am unable to lose more. 

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I have to jump on the "Do the reintro!" wagon.  Because my husband was sad when he realized that the end of the 30 days I had no intention of bringing anything back.  He was sad at the prospect of no more sushi, no more craft beer, no more ice cream rides, no more coffee and cookie in front of the fireplace at the end of the evening, no more take out on long hot nights.  

 

I chose not to do a structured reintro but over the years (yes, years) I've figured out what I can tolerate.  When it's a billion degrees outside and the husband wants to get us take out sushi, while it's not something I would normally eat, I say yes from time to time. Sometimes if I say no thank you, I can see the disappointment and....well.....hurt in his eyes.  That will often cause me to change my mind.  Not because he's manipulating me but because sometimes you need to do the things the other person wants to do.  Reintro will tell you what, among these things, you can feasibly say yes to.

 

Note, I say no way more than I say yes.  At first this was a problem but now it's made the "yes" nights an actual treat rather than just a cop out.  Husband also will eat things like taco shells on taco night when I just have it on a salad.  Or pasta when I have it on zoodles.  Or a bun when I have a lettuce wrap.  It was an adjustment at first but it worked out.  Ours was more about the emotion and communal enjoyment surrounding some of our food rituals. Once we found our groove there, it's been fine. 

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I agree - reintro is going to be your friend helping your husband understand the importance of not continuing to eat certain foods after your Whole 30. If you can show him beyond a shadow of a doubt that food group X equals really bad health thing Y, then it shouldn't be too hard for him to go along with you, right?

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I hope you have been able to work this out with your husband. My husband doesn't eat paleo but he also hates to cook so he will eat what I cook. I try to cook things that he likes and sometimes I make two meals. I think as he has been eating cleaner he has realized that some foods bother him. He won't eat fast food at certain restaurants and will sometimes opt for a chicken sandwich instead of a carne asada burrito. I think doing the reintro will be very helpful. I know that when I eat gluten I will have sciatic pain. I don't notice anything with my digestion but the pain will last for 3 weeks. It is not worth it to me to be in pain for that long to have a cupcake. I think if your husband sees that you are having bad reactions to foods he will realize that you need to eat this way and are not just trying a new diet. Also when you don't feel well you will try anything to feel better and it can seem like you are just doing one fad diet after another. I think when you feel good and can eat gluten and dairy without any problem you just can't understand why someone else can't eat them. I know I thought my gluten free friends were a little crazy, now I am one of them. lol. Good Luck!

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I'll jump on board with those who are the only Paleo/whole30-ish people in their household. My husband and two kids (15 & 12) are not on board with my eating style. At all. Other than everyone getting more veggies now, nobody's meals have changed much from our pre-whole30 diets; we do exactly what you proposed to your husband and what several others have said works in their homes. On taco night, I do taco salad while others have shells. When we have pasta, I will make zoodles and they get traditional noodles. Burgers? I just do without a bun. It really truly does work, the important thing is that we sit down nightly as a family to eat (ok, 6 times a week, sometimes the kids are off with friends).
If your husband is truly just worried, have patience and it can work. But...if he is trying to undermine you (which crossed my mind as I read your post too, I hope that it is not the case), then that's a whole 'nuther thing and you might as well stick to your guns and stay as healthy as you can.

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I agree with being able to balance being the only "whole30" eater in my house.  My husband and kids eat what I cook, but often add grains back in for things like burgers, tacos, etc.  This works just fine and offers a nice balance to not making me a short-order cook but allowing them to eat the things they like.  They do generally eat more vegetables now, too, which is a nice bonus.

I think my husband was disappointed, at least a little, when I was hesitant to reintro anything.  But once I did and have realized how violently I react to things like dairy (and one of our things used to be splitting pints of Ben & Jerry's), he realized I needed to keep doing what I felt was the best thing for me.  I have relaxed on some rules now that i'm not doing a strict whole30 (I do drink, we occasionally will get takeout tacos or burgers or eat a pizza together, etc.) but overall it works.

 

Good luck navigating this next step--if you feel better, that's what matters and you should definitely be "allowed" to make whatever dietary choices continue to help you feel the best.

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Hi Higgles. We do a lot of training on "managing change" in my workplace and I think that is relevant for what is going on with you and your husband. You have worked through a lot of things about how you want to change your eating lifestyle, but your husband is back there at the starting line expecting something very different. He thought that you were doing an elimination diet to address your GI problems, which he supported and probably wants you to to get to the bottom of, and that you would be going back to eating the same meals again which is clearly important to him. I agree with carrots&blueberries that that kind of thing has symbolic significance to people in a marriage. And now he's found out that your idea of going forward is totally different from that. And he is expressing his disappointment and surprise by pushing back against it. And remembering (as people often do when there is a big change at work), "Well, we tried something like that two years ago with the vegetarian diet and it didn't work."

 

It seems to me like right now your job may be to show your appreciation for all the support he has given you, ask him some questions that will give him a voice in joint decision making around shared meals, and do reintroductions so you'll have some concrete info. I'm thinking maybe you could ask him something like, "Could you picture a future in which I avoided the foods that I was intolerant of, continued to eat following many Whole30 principles, and we also had planned meals and outings for things we both enjoy that aren't Whole30?" It seems to me like he's mainly just a bit fed up, and he's at least communicated clearly that his main concern is that he feels like his needs have come second, and that's something you can resolve through communication. Also, it sounds like he doesn't have problems with weight or food intolerance so this is all pretty foreign to him.

 

Good luck with everything. I think you might get buy-in from him, but just not last night or today.  ;)

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But if she finds out she has a terrible problem with dairy or if grains cause her to lay in bed groaning with stomach problems...why would he want to pressure her into eating them? If my husband were to find out in the future that he has an allergy to or severe problem with something I would absolutely remove it from my kitchen no matter how hard it made cooking for a while...just like when I was diagnosed with Celiac's disease (through several W30s and testing) we got rid of all gluten in the house other than hubby's flour tortillas for taco night.

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