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Grouchy Spouse along for the ride


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So, the first time I tried I got to day 21 before I fell face first into a box of Valentine's Day Chocolate. DH knew I was doing the Whole 30 but it didn't compute that Valentine's Day didn't equal chocolate. And I take full ownership that I made the choice to eat them.

We've talked about going primal or paleo before. He's severely overweight, depressed and has sleep apena. Though he's promised to take action in the past, he hasn't.

When it came time to reboot (I took a few days to get my act together), I asked if he wanted to join me. He agreed.

But he doesn't want to read anything or really know much about it beyond the list of things he can't eat. Today is day 7 and he still doesn't want to eat veggies with each meal and he is skipping meals here and there and he's snacking more than he probably should. All on 100 percent compliant food, but still.

Saturday am I made scrambled eggs in coconut milk for everyone (6 year old son too). I made asparagus too. He ate the eggs but skipped the asparagus. I took the kid to the farm store to buy 10 dozen eggs for the next two weeks and do the grocery shopping. Home for lunch and DH declined to eat. We all went to Costco ($75 worth of apples, avocados and other fruits and vegetables.) and then dinner time. Roasted chicken and brussel sprouts. DH ate a ton of chicken and 3/4 of the sprouts. Little boy went to bed, and DH started scrounging for more food. First he wanted a larabar. I suggested a sweet potato. He went with that and a little proscuittto. He was full after that and skipped the larabar. So minimal veggies, no fruit and 2 real meals and one mini meal.

He says he feels okay. He likes the money he's saving at work since I pack his lunch. He hasn't had any sleep improvements.

He'll stick it out but I'm not sure how to help him get further by following the guidelines more.

Sigh...

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My husband would probably do it like that too. He already gave up gluten months ago and his sleep apnea totally disappeared. But talking to him about the other grains, legumes, dairy, sugar and alcohol- it's too much loss to bear. I think what he is really afraid of is the reintroduction phase where he might discover he needs to avoid something long term. This is a man who reintroduced gluten 15 times "just to be sure".

As far as your husband goes, kudos to him for doing it and at least sticking to the compliant foods. I put my kids on w30 a couple of weeks ago and advice I got in the kids forum was don't worry if they eat more fruit and nuts- just keep them compliant. The first week they ate so much fruit, dried fruit, and nuts it drove me NUTS. But by the second week their sugar/junk dragons had chilled out and they were eating more meat and veggies. They started asking for sauerkraut and eating salads. They eat a mini sweet bell pepper with almost every meal.

Long story short, maybe read through the kids forum for tips on helping your husband eat his veggies.

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When I asked my husband to,do this with me he said " sure, why not. Except I still want to eat my English muffin with peanut butter for breakfast and drink coke zero." I asked him to read ISWF and he said " you can just tell me what it says"

Sigh

Needless to say he hasn't chosen to follow with me and last night ordered a pizza after we already had chicken tacos planned for dinner. Then went out for ice cream by himself. It's hard to see his constant inner struggle but I know I can't push anything on him.

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This may not be what you were hoping to hear, but it sounds like he's doing pretty well for a depressed guy with sleep issues who doesn't, probably, want to do much of anything. I bet he's going to feel some benefits whether he wants to or not (though you may not be able to count on him admitting it, ever :lol: ). If he's eating compliant foods only, and he's willing to stick with it, I suggest letting him go. I'm not saying that to imply that I want you to indulge him in any way - I'm just saying that Whole30 is a process as much as an eating plan. His process seems to be to go for it with the compliant foods right now, but he's still figuring out how to eat actual meals on a regular basis and how to eat vegetables voluntarily. I suspect he'll figure it out, and get a bit more cheerful, and never ever admit to any of it. :P

You're a good wife. He's lucky to have you. And I love that he ate a sweet potato with prosciutto for a snack when you suggested it. You're kinda brilliant. :wub:

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I agree with the others... he may never admit this is helping anything, but likely he is feeling a change. Give him time (like months or even years) to adjust. And it does sound like in some ways he's acting like a kid (I mean that in the kindest way possible) so treating him like a kid makes sense.

You want him to take responsibility for himself, his body, and his actions. Hopefully he will get there in time but it sounds like that may be a long process for him.

Having said that, it sounds VERY FRUSTRATING on your end! Hang in there and talk with him about how you are feeling... take care of yourself too!

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Thanks! I noticed that the larabars disappeared really quickly so those are going to be hidden and doled out one at a time. (Exactly how I treat binge type foods with our kid.)

I did send them both outside to play yesterday. And they both complained it was too cold. Sigh...

Of course, I did hide a pound of beef liver in the 2 pounds of ground beef I sauteed for dinner (lard, onions, carrots, mushrooms, and summer squash, a ton of paprika.) Both like liver but tend to refuse to eat it. And I sauteed a bag of the baby greens from TJs (spinach, kale and chard) as a base for the grownups plates.

I ended up with an upset stomach but the others didn't complain.

I'll make more sweet potatoes tonight.

Baby steps....

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I've started to think of him as the Whole 30 version of a dry drunk.

But he did come to me just now with Mark Sisson's Primal Cookbook and showed me a recipe for chopped liver. He asked if I could make it.

Sure. Sourcing quality chicken livers this time of year is hit or miss but I give me a few days to find the livers and I can make that.

Tonight's challenge: will either he or the small child notice that their chili, which I've been adding a can of pumpkin into for ages, also now has a can of sweet potato in it too. I make a Greek style chili so it is on the sweet side anyway so I thought those were good additions.

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I've started to think of him as the Whole 30 version of a dry drunk.

But he did come to me just now with Mark Sisson's Primal Cookbook and showed me a recipe for chopped liver. He asked if I could make it.

Sure. Sourcing quality chicken livers this time of year is hit or miss but I give me a few days to find the livers and I can make that.

Tonight's challenge: will either he or the small child notice that their chili, which I've been adding a can of pumpkin into for ages, also now has a can of sweet potato in it too. I make a Greek style chili so it is on the sweet side anyway so I thought those were good additions.

You are slightly evil and I admire you intensely. :wub::lol:

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Thank you!

Neither mentioned the extra veg in the chili. I could taste but I was looking for it.

He says he hasn't noticed any improvements. His sleep is still a wreck but he's also awfully stressed at work. And I know that while he's eating compliant food, his pattern at work isn't palm sized portion of protein and plateful of veg. Plus fat. I think he's still eating too much and he's spacing the food throughout the day at work and snacking. And skipping meals at home. Today he had brunch and dinner.

If when it's all said and done, he can see that the crap food makes him feel terrible and is a waste of money, I'd be happy. We'll see!

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He's been complaining about not being able to eat out. So we all went to elevation burger for dinner. (I had pushed for Chipolte but I was vetoed.) And now he's convinced that somehow they snuck something non-compliant in and his Whole30 is ruined.

I can't win!

It is Day 19 and he still says he doesn't feel any changes. It is possible that he has been eating so badly for so long that it is too soon to feel changes. He's committed to finishing--though I think we're in trouble on Day 30 as we are going to a sedar. And it is going to be hard to celebrate DS's birthday next week without partaking in any treats.

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When my boyfriend and I started the W30, he also didn't read. Just relied on me for info. He continued to eat peanuts, and snacked more than recommended and mostly on nuts, which also affected his bowels. He also had larabars daily. I let him go. Sometimes if he had issues (like his bowels) I would look up information on this forum and copy it in an email for him to read. That seemed to have more credibility than me just telling him. I think he eventually stopped eating peanuts but continued with alot of nuts.

I would use leftovers for our lunches and he would often complain that he was tired of eating the same thing over and over. Really? This coming from a man who ate the same lunchmeat sandwich every day for lunch prior to W30! Plus I was making all kinds of new recipes so we were not eating the same things over and over by any means. I also heard him say several times that "this diet wasn't doing anything for him."

When we completed our 30 days on January 30, he did have results. He lost weight and was leaner. And the funny thing is that he has not went back to eating his lunchmeat sandwiches daily and continues to take leftovers!!!

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He's been complaining about not being able to eat out. So we all went to elevation burger for dinner. (I had pushed for Chipolte but I was vetoed.) And now he's convinced that somehow they snuck something non-compliant in and his Whole30 is ruined.

I can't win!

It is Day 19 and he still says he doesn't feel any changes. It is possible that he has been eating so badly for so long that it is too soon to feel changes. He's committed to finishing--though I think we're in trouble on Day 30 as we are going to a sedar. And it is going to be hard to celebrate DS's birthday next week without partaking in any treats.

He's gotta be feeling something if, after eating out, he is worried that he accidentally ate something non-compliant. :lol: It sounds like he's in the habit of complaining about everything. He will probably feel better and, like, a year later, decide to stop complaining about it. :lol: (Also, you should write your memoirs: Sweet Potatoes, Prosciutto, Whining, and Thou. :lol: )

Give him a little time to let his way of interacting with the world catch up to his newly forming habits of health. I'm just guessing, of course, but I bet there are glimpses of the teddy bear under the grouch already. Hang in there.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Update!

We finished the 30 right at the start of Passover. We made limited reintroductions--wine at a seder for me, matzo ball soup for him and then milk in my coffee and some bread for him.

We're starting again tomorrow, after we survive the 6 year's old birthday where the menu is cupcakes and bagels and his birthday dinner of Chinese food like the Cricket in Times Square. (The bagels are a much better choice than the inedible pizza the venue serves...)

What he learned--as soon as the bread came back his reflux was out of control. Dairy made him cough immediately. He never got around to introducing rice, which would make him happy, nor legumes.

But this time he's eager to start over. The little things added up quickly to feeling lousy.

I'm hoping that now that the weather is finally warming up we'll get outside as a family more often.

For my part, once the 30 was over, I stopped being obsessed with keeping hard boiled eggs in the house and we had a terrible run of not ripe avocados at Costco. So part of my mission is restocking and making sure we have stuff around to make the best choices.

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Oops!

Well he started again yesterday. I started today. 6 year old was "starving" after school yesterday and wanted sushi. So I had some rice, and I assume there was sugar in the rice. But it was yummy, though I did feel a bit bloated after. (That could be because I ate my weight in yellowfin rolls and salmon/avocado rolls though...)

So we're on uneven start dates.

My prepping has failed a bit. We're all tired of eggs but I need to hardboil some anyway. I really overcooked the lamb shanks and beef heart I made this week. I need to defrost a beef tongue-- I'm not likely to overcook that to the point of crunchiness. And make a batch of something with ground beef--probably chili.

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  • 1 month later...

Update: At lunch today, with the in-laws who have autoimmune and prostate cancer issues between them, Grouchy Spouse raved and raved about the Whole 30 and going strict paleo and how his reflux and coughing had disappeared. My FIL, who can't sleep in a bed because his coughing is so bad, said that he thought the coughing was genetic as 3 generations do it, including my six year old. Grouchy Spouse said the predisposition might be there but he didn't think it was destiny and that as soon as he introduced wheat back again the cough was back.

I piped in about getting headaches as soon as I eat sugar now and when my MIL asked if I had headaches before, I said I had been having a low level feeling lousy for years and it is amazing how when you take away the "white noise" how much better you felt.

End result--we've bought them a copy of ISWF and I think they may try it. I fear it may start as a Whole 30 with non-dairy white powdered "Creamer" but I mentioned that was filled with chemicals at breakfast this morning when I simply added ice to my coffee to cool it off enough to drink it.

(Plus, I tweeted this and got a RT from Whole9. I feel like a star now!)

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I am SO happy to see this topic. We are on day 24, and my husband skeptically agreed to come along for the ride, although I constantly assured him that he didn't have to. Although he consistently claims that he feels no different whatsoever, he's clearly lost weight & his skin is super clear, as is mine. In the meantime, I have a whole bunch of successes, everything from weight loss & glowing skin to a cessation of acid reflux & (no longer) chronic cold sores.

Maybe there's still hope that he will embrace this, since I'm loving it & hoping to make it a basic template for the way we eat, with occasional modifications.

Thanks so much for continuing to share the story, all the way from *grumpy* through *enthusiastic*!

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I will say that I don't think he actually "likes" it but I do think he sees the benefits. So even though we are off the Whole 30 and just doing paleo, he won't use the mustard that has trace amounts of sugar in it. On the other hand, we had a hard weekend and I had no desire to cook last night so we ordered thai food. He opted for pad see ew (beef with rice noodles) and started to cough within a few bites. He laughed at himself and admitted he wouldn't order it again.

In the meantime, I'm starting another 30 tomorrow so there should be more compliant food in the house so that should help.

Now to get him onboard with converting the 6-year-old over! (Who doesn't eat a SAD diet at all but does eat more grains than he should...)

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  • 8 months later...

And I circle the wagon train back to the start line.

 

After a terrific spring 2013 stress eating and work uncertainty and an incredibly expensive summer of house and car repairs, led to some serious off track eating for DH (and me).

 

I got back on track earlier this year but he didn't.

And then he wondered if the nightmares and reflux that is so bad he is puking after dinner most nights might be improved if he went back on the Whole 30.

 

He still won't read the damn book.

 

And my favorite farmers market is closed this week because of the snow.  (Dear god, the snow, and the ice, and the snow...)  So we may have more limited choices.

 

But I'm off to make scrambled eggs for everyone, in coconut oil, with a side of asparagus.

 

I'm hoping he'll be less grouchy this go round as he knows that improvement will come.  We'll see!

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