Unsupportive outburst from "friend"

[Megan C.]

I'm very frustrated and trying to stay calm and understanding... I'm used to dealing with people making negative comments on my food choices, my exercise routine, my bicycle commute to work, etc. What I didn't expect was a good friend and co-worker, who more or less accepts my food choices with minimal mockery, would seriously freak out on me for not drinking alcohol!

I went to a social event recently with several friends/co-workers and my live-in Whole30 supportive beau. The event centers on sampling some alcohol and being able to purchase cans of beer while walking around our local (small) zoo. There is live music and it's a great time at the zoo with an 18 and over crowd.

I didn't drink that night because I was 7 days into my first Whole30. Everyone else did. Alcohol isn't a big temptation to me and I enjoy this event, so I didn't think twice about still going. I should also explain that even though I've considered myself "primal" for the past 2 years, I did still have wine, craft beer, and vodka tonics on occasion. Maybe once per week, sometimes 2x/week but not again for 3 weeks, etc. Very random and social, not regularly.

So, back to the outing. The first time my group bought cans of beer, a couple people unaware of my eating/drinking habits, politely said "hey, you didn't get a drink; lemme get you a beer." I declined, said I was experimenting with an elimination diet, and conversation moved to a new topic. Cool, no judgment.

Not so cool, was my very good friend and co-worker basically mocking me and asking several times "what is wrong with you!? why can't you just have fun?" I was caught off-guard, especially considering we're close and she knows my eating patterns. I awkwardly said "why does there have to be something wrong with me? I'm actually having a great time, do I seem like I'm not?" She responds that she didn't mean it like that (um, how DID you mean it) and that I just didn't need to be doing this in the summer. I didn't continue the line of conversation and went back to having a great time (errr... I think. lol). I was mildly disapointed my beau said nothing at all. He also works at the same company and knows this gal very well.

Other than that, all was fine and proceeded as any normal evening out with good friends.

The same "good friend" parked next to my beau and I - on our walk back to the car, she started in again the moment we parted from the rest of the group. She continued on with "why doyou have to be so weird?" Claiming she just wanted me to have fun and I shouldn't be denying myself things. She tried making a deal, saying she would be supportive - if I started this ridiculousness in September (it's end of June). I didn't say much as I was in shock this was happening. I've had people get weird on me before about declining beer, as though my not drinking - and not saying a damn word about it or the fact they are drinking - makes them TERRIBLY uncomfortable. Previously this happened with my sand volleyball team, so I didn't play on their team this year. This was a good friend and co-worker I see frequently at work... I wasn't going to just remove myself from her vicinity and criticism, as I did with the volley ball group, if this was going to be her new way to interact with me.

I finally and firmly said "look it's only for 30 days, and then I'll drink a beer if I feel like it. I'm doing this right now for me. besides, you know I only like craft beer and don't drink that much anyway." (they only offered Bud, Bud light, Miller lite, etc) She wanted assurance that I would still be social with other people drinking and said I was making her sad. WTF? Who is the one acting ridiculous and uncomfortable here?!

I honestly fail to see why this is a big deal. The ONLY difference is that I don't have a drink in my hand. I didn't do, say, or act any differently than I would have any other time. I don't even bring up that I'm not drinking unless someone insists on getting me one. I don't gloat. I don't make comments about them drinking. I'd sometimes forget about it altogether until someone mentions it. I do realize I went to an event that was set up to basically be an outdoor bar with animals and music… but can't I be there too? Do I have to drink alcohol to be there?! That's silly - it's just a non-issue. Well, for me.

So, fellow primal/paleo/whole30 peeps. What gives? I'm sure we've all dealt with unsupportive, even downright rude comments for our choices. Have you ever had someone actually get upset and more or less try to start an argument with you about it? How do you deal with the more hostile comments and reactions? Is it worse here because I'm surrounded by corn and corn industry in my state and wheat/dairy in my adjacent states?! lol I was also a bit annoyed that my beau, responded with "she was just giving you a hard time" to my comment, "sheesh! what was up with _______ riding my ass like that tonight?"

Do you catch more flak for declining food items or alcohol?

Megan - Iowa

[karacooks]

Honestly, when she said "why do you have to be so weird?" I'd hve fired back with "why are you being so rude and hateful to me?"

When someone gets in my face like that, I have no qualms about looking them in the eye and saying something like "What you're doing is rude, hurtful, and inappropriate. What I eat or drink is none of your business. Ever." and walking away. I don't care how good a friend you tihnk someone is ... when they start treating you like that, they're not being a friend.

[MarissaLinnea]

Bottom line, you don't have to do ANYTHING that you do not want to do, be it drinking or anything else. Your "friend" sounds like she's either a total control freak, or that she had a bit too much to drink and lost her inhibition and felt she could say whatever she wanted. I know from past experience (I used to drink quite heavily in the past) that when I was wasted and I saw a person that wasn't drinking, I would be all over them to have a drink. I think a lot of that comes from myself and feeling uncomfortable because I knew I probably had too much to drink, and possibly if I get everyone to drink with me, then no one will notice that I had too much to drink....does that make sense? The last thing I wanted was the one sober person at the party to remember what an ass I was the night before and refresh everyone's memory about it.

This may or may not be what your friend was doing. But either way, she's not being a good friend if she's trying to strongarm you into doing something you don't want to do. Stand your ground, she can either get over it and accept it, or she can get the f*ck on.

[CaseyD]

My brother is like this. Not specifically about alcohol, but about my food choices. Seriously, he's brought up the whole "people starving in Africa" thing as a way to say it is offensive that I decline eating certain foods - even dairy, which I have tested positive for being allergic to. And he's seen first hand how serious of a reaction I have to dairy. Some of the stuff your friend said to you is exactly what my brother has said to me.

I don't even respond or say as little as I can. Usually we've been at a family meal and this escalated to the point once that I packed up my daughter and walked out of the door halfway through a dinner. Fortunately, and amazingly, this is no longer an issue because out of the blue one day he decided he wanted to give this whole paleo thing a try. Hmmmm....

My guess is your friend either genuinely has a problem with alcohol and is in denial, or feels very threatened that you're taking initiative to improve yourself while she is not. The stuff your saying sounds like stuff an alcoholic would say, really. Who honestly has a problem with someone saying no to a beer - oh, wait, someone who needs everyone to be in the "party" with them. Ok, maybe I'm getting a little mean there.

You stood firm, held your ground, and that's great. If this person continues to be hurtful, it may be necessary to reconsider what that friendship is worth to you.

[Emily]

Was she drunk? Were you seeing the drunk (drinking) response to your choices instead of the sober response?

Sorry you experienced that! Geez.

[Jill M Edwards]

Sorry that happened to you. I am so curious to see how it ends up, after she sobers up.

I haven't had anything that severe, I'm on day 24, but I get a lot of, "You can have just one Pina Coloda." "What's one beer in 30 days, it won't mess up what you have done." I am always suprised that there is this much pressure as an adult.

I always jokingly tell them, "I won't be a victim of your peer pressure." sometimes it makes them realize that they are acting like children. If it doesn't, I tell them, "I am trying something that is making me feel amazing, that domestic beer isn't worth changing that"

[Derval]

Ha, maybe she doesn't want you to be the one that remembers all the stoopid things she did when on the beer

What also struck me, is you mentioned your car, so surely that is a no drinking no brainer?

If you were preganant and not drinking would you still be "no fun"?

I am vexed on your behalf!

[OldFarmer]

For what it's worth, whether she intended to or not, she offered a terrific example of reasons not to drink.

[Megan C.]

I really appreciate the responses! I'm new to this online community and am very pleased at the showing of support in less than 24h since my post went up. Thank you!!!

I think you are all basically correct. She's younger than I (she's 25, I'm 30) and does drink quite often - she was drinking on an empty stomach and was being quite rude in her uninhibited state. OldFarmer was right! She was a poster child for abstaining from drink. Lol She's not normally like this, or I wouldn't take company with her. She's very active despite eating garbage and binge drinking… we enjoy doing local adventure races and playing sports together. We'll see how it is going forward. She didn't visit my lab Thurs or Fri (I'm a research scientist) as she normally would, so hopefully she feels like she was out of line. If I had to guess, I'd say she'll pretend like it never happened come Monday.

It just sucks. I didn't expect to be berated by someone I considered a good friend; but it was one outburst in an inebriated state, so we'll see if it happens again. I do have concern - not that this kind of reaction will detour me – but that I'll become hypersensitive to the criticism and over-react when someone “teases†me about my choices. It gets old! It's ok if they think I'm eccentric and different, I can easily take that and even enjoy it… but the hounding from our friends and family… ugh! I think some responders are right – they must not realize how childish and inappropriate they're acting. No need to be offended by my silent protest and “denying myself,†I'm not calling you out in public judgement, so please don't do it to me! Lol Wait ‘till they use my upstairs bathroom after my squatty potty arrives. What will they say then?! *feigning horror*

One response I will share regarding food… if someone says “one bite isn't going to kill you,†I smile politely and say “right, and my not taking that bite isn't going to kill you.†I'm sure I heard that somewhere, maybe on this site, but I don't recall to give credit. When I say this I usually wink to show I'm teasing as well and keep it light-hearted, but the 3 times I've used this line - the other person seems offended none-the-less. Or maybe it's that they're shocked into silence, as though it hadn't occurred to them they shouldn't be so invested in what I put into my mouth.

Thanks again for all your responses! There isn't much support for Paleo in Every-where-I-look-there-is-corn, otherwise known as Iowa, but it's slowly gaining. I really appreciate the camaraderie here - I didn't realize how much I was missing this type of interaction with like-minded folks. Thank you.

Megan

[EllieBellie]

I'm 24 and can say that some of my contemporaries would definitely feel put out if I didn't get drunk with them on a night out! They perhaps would not be so forward about it until they had a few drinks themselves, and thankfully this peer pressure seems to be mellowing as we all reach our mid-twenties and get proper jobs! I reckon you're right, and this girl is probably a wee bit embarrassed in the cold light of sobriety.

To be honest, when refusing alcohol I don't even mention it's because I'm on a dietary plan. I just say 'no thank you', 'I'm not up for a big night', 'I can't work with a hangover', 'I feel a headache coming on'... anything to avoid drunken conversations about my gut. I've also occasionally poured myself fizzy water with lime at friends' house parties, and everyone happily assumes that I'm drinking gin and tonic!

American lager tastes awful anyway!

[Megan C.]

EllieBellie, I've done the club soda and lime trick too!!! Of course we shouldn't have to do this, but it works like a charm.

I didn't fully explain that it was part of a wellness plan until pushed with the "why's"... which I still think is weird anyway. Why should I have to explain and defend my choice to decline something?! Maybe going forward, if I sense animosity, I'll just say I don't feel like it - end of story. Sometimes I'm too much of an open book.

I'd forgotten about the soda and lime decoy - I did that way before I ever started down this path to wellness just because I didn't feel like drinking and didn't want to be harassed about it by drunkards on St. Patrick's Day.

[LindaLee]

You hang in there and stand firm. You don't have to be obnoxious or rude about it; just smiling and saying, "No thanks," like you did. Good for you; I'm sorry your fun got tainted like that. I agree with others that it sounds like she was feeling guilty or bad about her drinking and wanted you to drink so she wouldn't feel so bad.

I rarely drink so I don't get that, and for a long time I ate no sweets at all and people got used to that...in fact, when I started again, that's when I got the shocked looks! Last year I had an excuse - I was getting ready for my wedding, and I just said I wanted to look amazing in my wedding dress.

It's different this time because the Whole30 is sooo different than what we've been sold - eating fat, eating eggs, no whole grains. I have a ton of friends on MediFast. ISWF has given me some facts to share with folks. And then I just say, "Well, it makes sense to me..." If they see me losing weight and getting buff from Crossfit, that'll help, LOL.

Linda

[Megan Claydon]

I find with women around the same age...oddly its a jealousy thing. They can't understand how or why you have the will power and self-discipline to say no. Misery loves company and indulging is way more fun if someone is willing to jump off the cliff with you.

Have you tried asking her to do a whole30 with you? This doesn't work with everyone, but I have had a few friends who at first balked at the idea of me doing a whole30 (it just didn't fit into their girl's night wine drinking schedule) that when I offered that they could do it with me and help support each other, that they actually went along with it and loved it. I don't know just an idea.

[Robin P.]

Hello fellow Iowan!

I'm 26, and I'm sure I'll face these same unsupporting comments and situations. I agree with other posters that it must have been a stupid drunken reaction. Good job in how you handled it, I know it can be tough when people just keep at ya ( I mean, how polite can you be when they just keep attacking/berating you?).

Way to go.

[jbasel31]

I haven't started Whole30 yet (this Friday!) but I can't imagine someone taking enough time out of their own life to care what we are eatcing (besides our significant others). What if you were pregnant and declining alchol? You shouldn't be allowed to go according to her?! Or you are some kind of knocked up weirdo?! I just don't get it. I have had a few people think Whole 30 sounds crazy but maybe my personality just doesn't invite opinions on what they think of my eating. It shouldn't be anyone's business, especially if you are not pushing it on them. I would say she is just worried about her own lifestyle and your eating makes her think about that and after having a few drinks she lashed out. How has work been going since this?

[Laura B]

I find that the best response no matter what is being offered is a "No thank you" and if asked why I simply say "I don't want it". Not wanting something for any reason is good enough for me and should be good enough for everyone else.

I think your friend was definitely uncomfortable with your choices and she wanted to make you uncomfortable, too. It's okay for her to feel that way, just don't let it get to you.

[Suzy]

I just wanted to add that your friend was probably under the influence already when she said those things. Don't ever take what people say personally, especially drunk people. They've been infected with the alcohol "computer virus" and are reacting based on that faulty programming. Normally, people have enough faulty programming on their own (downloaded from friends, family, and ideas) to make situations go awry. Whole9 is SUCH a smart system for healing the whole person, including temperance, stress management, and personal growth. The book that has helped me the most not to take things personally is The Four Agreements. Let me know what you think!