Contessa

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  1. Like
    Contessa reacted to jennifer_k in Take Advantage   
    Hey there! I've really enjoyed reading your journal and can relate so much to some of your struggles. I, too, have a well and impaired version of myself. Just this morning, I deleted a stupid phone game app that I've been spending too much time on. I can also relate to all-or-nothing behavior and grabbing food when I don't want to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Basically, I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. And thank you for your transparency and honesty. 
  2. Like
    Contessa reacted to MadyVanilla in Take Advantage   
    I did some food prep yesterday, including making a big batch of chicken salad with homemade mayo.  This is my go-to meal, snack, everything so I'm ready to tackle this week.  I also made one of my favorite W30 meals of chicken piccata, with some leftovers.  I spent a good portion of the weekend reading, thinking, practicing yoga - very solitary. 
    I remembered years ago reading about why people start diets on January 2, and how silly it is to eat terribly between Halloween and New Year's because "what difference does it make?" with of all the holidays, parties, etc.  The good advice in that article was to remember there are lots of days in-between where good choices could be made, so that the over-indulgences are not as detrimental.  I think I've been towing the line, eating whatever I want many days over the last few weeks, just waiting to get through my birthday.  Which is silly.  Wednesday starts my 50th birthday celebration with a 3 day trip with my husband, then a weekend with my friends at the beach.  My actual birthday is Monday, which will be dinner with the family.  It only makes sense that I should eat well until Wednesday, rather than continue to throw in the towel now.  And then why shouldn't I eat things I enjoy during my trips?  Good steak, fresh vegetables, and yes, wine and cake.  But this is very different than eating a bag of chips for dinner.  
    There is a well-me and an impaired-me.  The well-me may not always make perfect food choices, but generally makes time for exercise, prepares meals, returns phone calls, does household chores, lives a joyful and full life.  The impaired me subsists on junk food, moves very little, has no energy for activities beyond mindless phone games, avoids contact with other humans.  The well me has been winning more days than not this summer, but the impaired me makes regular appearances.  Life circumstances have such a huge influence on which persona is active, and the pandemic has really coddled my impaired self.  But it can't be an excuse.  I've had enough life experience at this point that I know what behaviors support each version of myself and I know how to activate the behaviors that lead to wellness.  Some days it's harder than others to make the choice to be well.  I worry that I'll soon run out of time to even have a choice...if I choose impaired behaviors too many more times, my body may not be able to recover.  But I am practicing.  And I'm getting better, 2 steps forward, 1 1/2 back right now.  Never before have I recovered small bits of positive behaviors in the midst of a decline - it's always been all-or-nothing.  But this time, my backslide, my tumble down the hill, has been marked with reaching out and catching a rock or a tree limb to hold on to and climb back up the hill, if ever so briefly.  I find hope in this, in this change in my mindset, this new-found ability to feel a semblance of control, to take personal responsibility.  I found myself this weekend angry with my husband and turning to food as a result.  As I tore through a bag of M&Ms, I asked myself why.  I jotted down a few notes in my phone about what I was feeling.  It's something, it's a place from which to grow.  
    I think I will be ready to tackle another Whole 30 beginning next Tuesday, August 25th, the day after my birthday.  In the meantime, I will continue to work on my yoga and movement goals, indulge in the chicken salad, and take each day as it comes.  And still track and journal (though probably not Wed-Sun this week), because they are wellness behaviors.  
    Mood-7, Energy-5, Pain-3 shoulder + a headache, may be related to cutting off the sugar after lunch yesterday.  I didn't really think I was that far gone with the sugar, but maybe it doesn't take as much to get a reaction if I'm not fully engulfed by the dragon.  Or maybe the headache is from something else.  
    M1-chicken salad, made with organic celery and homemade mayonnaise
    M2-leftover chicken piccata that I'm really looking forward to
    M3-Seared steaks sliced over romaine lettuce tossed with PK ceasar dressing
    I'll probably have a glass of wine with dinner.  And I need to make sure to eat enough so that I'm full and satisfied and not seeking chips later this evening.  
    I've already made my list of things to do today.  A shoulder/upper body yoga practice is in the cards.  I will also take the dog for longer hike on a trail that has benches spaced along it - I'm sure I'll have knee pain and need to sit for a few minutes, but that's ok.  
     
  3. Like
    Contessa reacted to MadyVanilla in Take Advantage   
    Note to self:  indulge in dinner at the dining room table, fresh flowers, lit candles.  It's not expensive, not time-consuming, and NOT HARD.  
  4. Haha
    Contessa got a reaction from SchrodingersCat in Guess who's back? Back again, Schrodey's Back...   
    This meal looks amazing! We'll be right over for leftovers....
  5. Like
    Contessa got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Take Advantage   
    Taking note of your own interior weather system feels like a great win here. You're creating space between stimulus (craving) and response, which is a really important part of this process. Small steps are still forward motion. Hugs for you on this gloomy, stormy day.
  6. Like
    Contessa reacted to MadyVanilla in Take Advantage   
    I'm feeling like wallowing today, not wanting to eat well.  I ended up with an Italian sub for lunch yesterday - old habit, very busy work day, easier to order and have a delivery than to take 10 minutes to put together food I had ready and that I like.  Also, it's easier to eat food with my hands than it is to eat with a fork when I'm working on the computer...that seems so ridiculous and lazy as I write it, but it's how I perceive things, though as I think about it, it doesn't make sense that it's easier.  Dinner last night ended up being a few handfuls of chips (still working) then a bunch of raisins later.  I had an appointment to get lab work done at 7:45 this morning, and needed to fast for 12 hours.  I did do yoga last night, but no other exercise and very few steps through the day. 
    I can see where yesterday's poor choices are impacting me today - I'm really craving bad foods...I went into the lab and then home a different way because I was having thoughts of a trip through the Dunkin drive-thru for breakfast.  Plus, it's a gloomy, stormy day which just matches my mood.  Days like this I walk on the edge - I can fight through the day to make good choices or I can decide it's not worth it and just give in.  At least by journaling about it, I'm making myself think about what I'm doing.  
      
  7. Like
    Contessa got a reaction from SchrodingersCat in Guess who's back? Back again, Schrodey's Back...   
    So sorry to hear about the bumpy start to the day. Migraines are 100% The Worst.
    Sounds like those catlike reflexes were the difference between a black coffee and a creamy coffee — glad you could salvage the milk! Hope you can good care of yourself and go easy with life today.
  8. Like
    Contessa reacted to SchrodingersCat in Guess who's back? Back again, Schrodey's Back...   
    Thank you! Good to be back - I find that if I'm not tracking here then I'm off track - I do worry that it's something I need to address, I wonder if W30 dials up my all or nothing mindset but the difference between that and my (admittedly disordered) dieting history is that I'm doing this for migraine and health reasons and not for weight loss etc. So if tracking everything is what it takes to keep me eating the way I need to to feel human, so be it. 
    I'm all out of coconut milk so coffee is black this morning, I'd gotten used to having something in it last round because my home coffee isn't as nice as work coffee, but I'll survive - I'm going to duck out for some essentials today and that's on the list.
  9. Like
    Contessa reacted to SchrodingersCat in Contessa's Food Freedom   
    It truly is overwhelming. I know what you mean about friends (and family, in my case) not coping and going off the deep end a bit - between Covid and the election, my American family is fracturing and it's so sad and frustrating to watch.
    You sound like you're really aware of the need for self care and that is so much of the battle. I've been terrible at it, hence me being back here!
    Take care of yourself 
  10. Like
    Contessa reacted to MadyVanilla in Contessa's Food Freedom   
    The easy, typical days ARE easy.  It's those other ones, where something throws us for a loop, something unexpected occurs...that's where the growth happens.  I've been researching resiliency a lot lately - you've described a wonderful example of this.  It's not about being perfect, day-in and day-out, it's about bouncing back when thrown, whether that bouncing back occurs immediately, the next day, the next week, or the next year.  
     
    Exactly!!  There is so much stigma surrounding disordered eating.  I'm just as bad calling it disordered eating, that's not appropriate.  Just over- and under-eating.  Humans find comfort in basic needs - food, water, shelter, sex...why isn't the Kaiser Foundation or The Times asking if people are engaging in more or less sex?  Or how many have cleaned out or redecorated their homes?  LOL, just thinking about how to normalize changes in eating habits so people feel comfortable being more truthful.  
  11. Like
    Contessa got a reaction from decker_bear in Guess who's back? Back again, Schrodey's Back...   
    Posting meals and W30 experiences here does seem to dial up the level of engagement, doesn't it? You're in the right place. And yes. Dijon mustard is delicious, shit absolutely happens, and your W30 pals are here for you. Hope you are having a great day, I look forward to tracking your experience here.
  12. Like
    Contessa got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Shadow’s May 2020 Whole30   
    These sound like two MASSIVE NSVs. Congratulations and brava!
  13. Like
    Contessa reacted to Mikaliki in Starting August 5th- need this to feel happier   
    I am still here, after 2 false starts/early falls. I am starting day 3 today. Did some healthy cooking- sheetpan cod, green beans, onions and cherry tomatoes w olive oil lemon sauce and sweet potato wedges.
  14. Like
    Contessa reacted to MadyVanilla in Take Advantage   
    I'm at a big multi-purpose gym that has a huge free weight area with lots of space to do whatever my heart desires...!  Pre-Covid, the place was often crowded and it was hard to find a little niche to be in, so I worry that it will eventually be that way again.  Granted, I went at 2:30 yesterday afternoon which I'm able to do given my current schedule.  My normal time would be 4:30/5:00 pm.  I'm not going to go at that time for a while.  
    Part of my issue with going was exactly what you stated - I was seeing pictures on social media of packed spin and body pump classes.  I don't go to those, but still, it was a little disconcerting.  But yesterday, people were wearing masks walking in and walking around from place to place (that's the rule).  So, I wore my mask until I got to the treadmill (I had a whole row to myself, plus there were cloth barriers in between each machine) and then put my mask back on to walk over to the free weight area.  I had a moment of indecision about whether or not I should wear my mask as i loaded up plates, but decided i should always wear it unless actively engaged in exercise.  I just brought all the plates I would need to my area.  With so few people there, I felt like I could do that without upsetting anyone for hogging the plates.  Everyone picks up a bottle of sanitizer and cloth as they walk in and are expected to sanitize their areas once done (I also sanitized before I started).
  15. Like
    Contessa reacted to MadyVanilla in Take Advantage   
    I cannot eat ice cream.  
    Diary is one of those things I don't eat much of anyway, just cheese on occasion.  II didn't even think about how I might react to the ice cream, but it was quickly evident that it was not a good thing.  Ice cream is going to have to be in the "almost never worth it" category.  
    Enjoyed a lovely stroll on Saturday, but my knee started acting up about 20 minutes into the 3.5 mile hike.  Slow, with breaks when I came upon a place to sit.  The lack of consistency in both my diet and exercise shows at those moments.  I met all my goals last week, so one week down, three to go until I can order my new Rothy's!
    Energy-7, Mood-7, Pain-1.  The shoulder is better, but still catches with certain movements.  I'm not ready to incorporate push-ups or presses into my routine yet.  
    M1-3 eggs, cooked with cubed sweet potato and spinach in olive oil with 3 slices sugar-free bacon
    M2-Shrimp salad.  I need to make mayo.  Served with sliced cucumber
    M3-The hubby may be grilling rib eye steaks on the grill, so that with some zucchini.  Otherwise, I'm going to indoor grill steak and slice it to serve over salad.  
    Re-posting my goals so I don't have to scroll up to see them.  I will be working toward 8k steps, 3 days this week.  And I need to sign-up for the 5k today.  It's going to be hot, so I'll go to the gym this afternoon.  
  16. Like
    Contessa reacted to ShadowInTheKitchen in Shadow’s May 2020 Whole30   
    W30 R3 Saturday August 8
    M1: sweet potato hash with kale & prosciutto, 2 eggs
    Snack: dates, cashews, walnuts, pecans
    M2: favourite green salad
    M3: chicken thighs in tomato sauce https://www.paleorunningmomma.com/one-skillet-chicken-cacciatore-paleo-whole30/ with white potatoes on the side
    NSV: I did it, Day One - Done!  
  17. Like
    Contessa reacted to ShadowInTheKitchen in Shadow’s May 2020 Whole30   
    W30 R3 Friday August 7, 2020
    M1: boiled green beans, 2 eggs fried in ghee
    M2: favourite green salad with chicken
    M3: non-compliant dinner out at a restaurant - 2 dinner rolls with butter, scalloped veal with prosciutto in wine reduction, potatoes, zucchini and sweet peppers, one glass (125 ml) of wine
    NSV: no snacking all day
    Dinner out was nice.  I was really hungry and so ate two (small and very tasty) dinner rolls while waiting for my entree.  I enjoyed the wine with dinner, had a second glass poured for me but I left it on the table.  On the drive home the wine effect kicked in,  I felt drugged and I did NOT like it.  I went to bed early.  I know that alcohol makes me sleepy.  Maybe wine is something best saved for sharing laughs with good friends.  I'm not sure going forward that having wine with boring dinner company like I had last night is worth how I feel afterwards, even if it tastes good with dinner.  I really have to think about this - it would be a lifestyle change for me.  Am I ready for that? 
    Tomorrow - Saturday - will be my 8th consecutive attempt at Day 1, and hopefully my 3rd day in a row without any added sugar (wine today excluded).   I feel good about my progress, albeit slow it is still progress.  It's me living my new healthy lifestyle practice.
  18. Like
    Contessa reacted to MadyVanilla in Take Advantage   
    First trip to the gym yesterday - yay!  It was very quiet, and I did feel safe.  The few that were there were respectful of distance.  I will be comfortable going back.  I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, though I had planned to do the first C25K module.  I got confused and thought the app wasn't working correctly, but it was just me.  I also did 3 sets of deadlifts.  It felt so good to get back in with the barbell.  From there I went to the blood bank to donate...that was a fiasco.  I am a regular donor, but this time, there were issues with the needle stick (a new phlebotomist) and then feeling lightheaded, nauseous, and like I was going to faint.  So my excuse for my lackluster dinner was that I needed to rest and relax.  But overall, it was a decent day.  
    Today, I'm feeling really good.  Mood-8, Energy-8, Pain-2, still the shoulder.  It takes soo long for my body to heal as I approach 50!  
    I met my yoga goal for the day.  Half way there on the gym goal.  I still have not attained 8,000 steps, though close yesterday.  I think I will modify that to 2 times this week, up to 3 next week, and so on.  
    M1-Not hungry, have only had black coffee.  Will likely have an early lunch.  
    M2-tacos would be awesome.  I think I'll order a Chipotle lifestyle bowl.  
    M3-Last night's planned chicken dish.  
    Still in the holding pattern, but it's ok.  I came across a quote on social media this morning that really resonates with me right now:  "If you quit now, you'll end up right back where you first began.  And when you first began, you were desperate to be right where you are now."  TRUTH.  
  19. Like
    Contessa reacted to MadyVanilla in Take Advantage   
    @Contessa and @ShadowInTheKitchen  I really feel like we are on the same path, in different places on that path, but the same path nonetheless.  We are cheering for each other, I love it!!!  I so appreciate knowing that others know exactly what I mean, because you are absolutely correct, Shadow, journaling is awesome and I'm finding my way this time around because I'm being faithful to this process.  
    Contessa, I can reallly buy into what your therapist says about getting sick of our own excuses and patterns.  I actively find myself saying, "stop making excuses and own your choices!" frequently these days.  That shift in mindset doesn't mean I"m always making the right choices (clearly) but it is a coin in my bank of self-kindness.  This IS practice, it's how anyone gets better at anything.  I'm engaging in self-awareness/healthy lifestyle practice.   Yes!!! 
    I used to think it was hokey pseudo-psychology, the idea of forgiving yourself.  That mantra can be found in every self-help manual, podcast, talk show.  But I really think it is the key - finding it within ourselves to be forgiving of our poor, conscious choices and moving on.  I'm not there yet, but I am beginning to see the way.  It IS better to at least make a goal, to be mildly engaged in this process even if I can't find the energy to actively engage.  That is wisdom, Shadow.  
    If nothing else, the pandemic has given me the time I need to process the whys and hows.  
     
    I also laughed out loud at this!!  The mental image, a hilarious reality check...I love spending time in the woods, but I do not plan to spend the next half of my life foraging for tree bark!  
  20. Like
    Contessa reacted to ShadowInTheKitchen in Take Advantage   
    @MadyVanilla @Contessa your reflections wow me.  You both can express so well some of the same things I am going through.  I just caught myself thinking, "OMG I am going to soo miss this input when these peeps reach their goals and stop posting."
    But I want you to succeed.  Like Contessa, I cheered (not out loud though LOL) when I read about your holding pattern @MadyVanilla, and I totally get this too.  It's probably going to be a very long process, but so much better than binging.  And so what if you miss your goals target for the day or the week?  It's still better than not having a target at all and not getting any good meals or any workouts done, but I know that you know this, it just feels good to write it out.  I know I'm in this for the long haul, even though I hope not, but I think it's my reality.  There could be worse things imo.
    I wonder, if keeping food logs and journaling with daily reflections were to be something that you do every day for the rest of your life, like laundry, cooking healthy foods or brushing your teeth, would that be so bad?  I'm pretty sure that junk food processors would not want us to do this.  Besides, I kinda like journaling. What about you?
    OK I did laugh out loud when I read this.  Thanks for the chuckle today 
  21. Like
    Contessa got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Starting August 5th- need this to feel happier   
    Wishing you a smooth start this morning, Mikaliki! Reaching out to draw on the strength of the community is a wise move, and signals the seriousness of your intention. Please lean on us, check in as often as you need to, and know that we are cheering you on!
  22. Like
    Contessa got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Take Advantage   
    I don't know what this says about where I am today, but I literally lifted a fist in the air and shouted "YES!" when I read this.  Good thing I live alone and was not browsing the internet at a public library. So many important reflections in this paragraph!
    My therapist (a woman who should truly be inducted into sainthood) says that part of powerful behavior changes involves getting really sick of our own crap. We have to get sick of our own excuses and our own patterns before we're ready to shift. We have to stop buying what the old, outmoded version of us is trying to sell. I'm delighted by the sense of irritated boredom I hear in that paragraph.
    Speaking personally, my growth area isn't in picking ever more healthy foods to eat every day ("by the end of her life, she ate only pine cones and grass clippings! She was sooooo healthy!"). My growth area is emotional and mental.... noticing the compulsions when they come up, and reflexively turning inward with compassion instead of outward with a grasping hand. This is not about Cheez-Its, it's about exquisite internal kindness.
    For me, exquisite kindness is wholly incompatible with bingey behavior. They just don't go together.
    And of course, exquisite kindness is also the work of a lifetime. Practice, even when it's halting, is progress.
  23. Like
    Contessa got a reaction from Mikaliki in Starting August 5th- need this to feel happier   
    Wishing you a smooth start this morning, Mikaliki! Reaching out to draw on the strength of the community is a wise move, and signals the seriousness of your intention. Please lean on us, check in as often as you need to, and know that we are cheering you on!
  24. Like
    Contessa got a reaction from Semi in Starting August 5th- need this to feel happier   
    Wishing you a smooth start this morning, Mikaliki! Reaching out to draw on the strength of the community is a wise move, and signals the seriousness of your intention. Please lean on us, check in as often as you need to, and know that we are cheering you on!
  25. Like
    Contessa reacted to MadyVanilla in Contessa's Food Freedom   
    The shame, ah the shame!  I'm 50 pounds overweight, but I don't have food issues.  
    I am so happy for you continuing to find opportunities to feed your core being, to support yourself in staying checked in.  It is a hard concept to put into words, but I definitely know it when I'm doing it well.  And when I'm not, when I'm petulantly ignoring myself.  It's like meditation, you wander away, but just come back and you'll get better each time you try.  Your serene, meandering walk down this path is evident.  Your "at peace"-fulness shines through your post. 
    Your OA group sounds fantastic!  and just right for you at this moment.  Here's to a week of self-kindness and working toward goals.