BabyBear

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  1. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Thanks so much, @BabyBear ... I really appreciate the encouragement.  
    I hope to have another Day 1 soon.  For now ~ I'm going to go check out your journal!
  2. Thanks
    BabyBear got a reaction from Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    YES! YES! YES!  I am cheering so loudly for you right now.  This is huge!  Like a really big stinking deal big.  Being able to apply the brakes and say I did this but it doesn’t warrant me throwing out the baby with the dishwater is hard, super hard, and you were able to do just that.  
    I am so sorry the calls did not go well.  I remember when my Nana (dad’s mom) got to the point where she couldn’t live on her own any longer her care all fell on my mom.  Well my mom picked it up and took such good care of her.  Her daughters were grateful but wouldn’t/couldn’t provide care for her the way my mom did.  I do hope answers are discovered and plans can be set and what is absolutely best for your MIL can be acted upon.  You are an amazing and compassionate person to be willing and even consider taking on such a monumental task.  
  3. Like
    BabyBear got a reaction from BetterEveryDay in BED's Whole30 Log <3   
    Welcome aboard the whole 30 quarantine train 
  4. Like
    BabyBear reacted to BetterEveryDay in BED's Whole30 Log <3   
    Whole 30 starts tomorrow! I did the Whole30 (well, more like a Whole 21 or so, really) last year before my wedding and experienced some wonderful results - better sleep, better energy, etc. I wasn't able to do a thorough reintroduction, though, due to my (less than) Whole30 ending right as I was leaving for my destination wedding trip (basically exactly what Melissa says *not* to do!). Since that time, while I have mostly healthy eating habits, my sugar dragon has kicked up and I find myself going crazy (especially at night) on certain foods (hello, nuts!). I'm really excited to use this period at home as an opportunity to dial in my health and do the Whole30 the right way this time around! Excited to connect with everyone else doing the same. 
  5. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Imodium again ~1 hour after that M2 ... I have never done well with broccoli and cauliflower + still recovering from yesterday's nonsense.  I use the multi-symptom kind, that also has simethicone for gas - and I only take one pill at a time (instead of the recommended two), unless it a really bad situation.  Just felt the need to state that here - in case it looks to anyone like I am using A LOT of Imodium.    
    So the conference call re: my MIL was at 4:00 pm, and did not go well at all.  I'm not going to type a book about it - I'll just say that things are very "up in the air" right now, and hopefully there will be direction and clarity regarding that situation soon.  Where I'm going with this: I found myself chugging down a diet Dr. Pepper, while I was on the phone with various family members, giving them the update about this absolutely ridculous turn of events.
    And then I decided to do something differently.  I decided - instead of letting my brain go to the place of "Oh, screw it, now this day is ruined" ... I decided to just move on with my Day 1 plan.  No junk food or self-flagellation required.
    Now - I'll say right here - I am well aware that this is NOT a Whole 30.  And I'm also aware that an "all or nothing" mindset does not necessarily serve me well.
    So in the evening, I had M3 - chicken breasts and diced golden potatoes with Tessamae's ranch.  And life went on.  And it was good.
  6. Thanks
    BabyBear got a reaction from Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    This!  I journal all throughout my day.  And then post my “captains log” at the end of the day or the next.  I tried journaling at the end of the day but I forget the little things that are important and honestly by nightfall I’m too tired to journal.
     Post 100 times a day! I’ll read em all!
  7. Thanks
    BabyBear got a reaction from Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    I was so excited to see all your likes in my notifications.  I was like oh my whole 30 pal made time to read up on my log!  I journal because it helps me process and keeps me on track and honest.  But I’m glad it has been a source of encouragement to others too.  
  8. Like
    BabyBear got a reaction from Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Yes! sometimes more than two.  I also get the war terms.  It IS a battle and a war that rages on inside of us and on the outside too.  I feel like the Roman Empire at times having made great conquest but then struggling to keep the ground I’ve gained against the marauders and barbarians within me.  The Barbarians broke the line in March but I called in the seasoned battle troops and they arrived April 1st and are cleaning up the mess, but it definitely proven to be a difficult job this go round.  
  9. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    M2 - 2:30 pm after a walk with the family:  chicken breasts w/ Tessamae's buffalo ranch, potato/sweet potato/broc/caul mix w/ ghee & coconut oil
    Amazing how good W30 food always tastes after eating junk for awhile.
  10. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    I fell asleep (passed out) after I posted M1 ... slept until my phone dinged at me around 9:30 am ... woke up and promptly ate a banana, and made another cup of coffee.  I drink too much coffee - no news flash there.
    This is an atypical day, with the puppy waking me up so early, for sure.  Not a reason to dissolve into a pile of junk food, though.
  11. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Day 1 - unpacking my backpack
    {rummaging around} ... Let's see ... what all do I have in here?
    Too much to list.  
    I'm dumping it all out on the floor now, for a careful re-pack.
    ---
    My MIL is 66 years old, and as far as I can tell at this point - will be soon be leaving the tiny town, where she was born and has lived her entire life - to travel 795 miles, to come and live at our house.
    She is currently being evaluated at a mental health facility for at least a week.  What we have been told so far is: mild to moderate dementia.  There is a conference call scheduled for this afternoon with her care team, where they will share their findings and recommendations.  We've been told she cannot live alone when she leaves - she either needs to be with family, or in assisted living.
    She does not know this yet.
    She is convinced that she is going to get out & go stay with her 86-year-old mother again, who has been trying to care for her these past few weeks, since the paranoid delusions and hallucinations began ... or came to light.  Her mother has already stated that she cannot do it, which breaks her heart.  But she cannot.
    Perhaps I spent two years of my life in nursing school and became an RN for this moment right here.  That is what I have been telling myself.  Perhaps I worked 1200+ hours last year in long-term care ... for this moment, right here.  Because I do feel prepared ... I do have a pretty good idea of exactly what I am getting into.  I'm not scared.
    But you know what is scary?  The thought of ending up in the same boat, due to my lifestyle choices.
    Each day lately I've been going through the same infuriating cycle of starting out with the best of intentions, and then - "tomorrow I'll do this" and "tomorrow I'll do that".  What a load of crap.  
    Today IS tomorrow.  Time to get with the program.
  12. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    THANKS @BabyBear ... I just got caught up on your journal ~ as you can see, with all of the "likes".    I don't think I am an over-liker ... I try hard to not like just for the sake of liking.  Lol.  Really, there is so much to like there.  You are making great progress.
    It's really as if there are two of us inside, isn't it?  And I'm sorry to see you struggle, while at the same time being so glad to know that it's not just me.  
    There is The Strong Me ... who knows that, along with the self-discipline in my food choices, comes the self-discipline in almost all other areas of my life.  That is needed, and I begin to feel so much more confident and happy overall.
    There is The Rebellious Me ... the one who gets so tired of thinking about all of it ... and leads me down a path of destruction.  That's not drama.  Each time she wins a battle - I'm taking the chance that she wins the war.
    I sit here and think, "Good Lord ... why am I talking about food with terms like "war" and "destruction"?
    And the answer that comes back to me:  "These things you've been eating are not food."
  13. Thanks
    BabyBear got a reaction from Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    It will come, one day it will click and you will be off and running again.  Focus on the positive things you are doing for you.  We can do this. We can be better. We can have control.
  14. Haha
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Or tomorrow.   
  15. Sad
    BabyBear got a reaction from Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    @Brewer5  girl you weren’t the only one.   After my birthday life threw some pretty hard fast balls my way and I’m pretty sure I struck out so hard.  Good news is I have another at bat and I’m ready.  The world came to a crashing halt, I lost my grandmother just a few hours after arriving at her home for a visit (22 hour drive).  Not being able to have a proper funeral, watching some of her children descend upon her remaining affects like vultures before her body was even laid to rest.  The events that provide the majority of our household income for the year canceling as far out as May and maybe more to come.  So much crazy!  I coped by eating all the things and hiding from all the roaring emotions.  So I’m back home now and Day 1 Reset starts today.  We can do this together!
  16. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    @BabyBear ~ I am so sorry for so many things in that post.
    I haven't managed another compliant day yet.  I'll do it tomorrow.   
  17. Sad
    BabyBear got a reaction from Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    @Brewer5  girl you weren’t the only one.   After my birthday life threw some pretty hard fast balls my way and I’m pretty sure I struck out so hard.  Good news is I have another at bat and I’m ready.  The world came to a crashing halt, I lost my grandmother just a few hours after arriving at her home for a visit (22 hour drive).  Not being able to have a proper funeral, watching some of her children descend upon her remaining affects like vultures before her body was even laid to rest.  The events that provide the majority of our household income for the year canceling as far out as May and maybe more to come.  So much crazy!  I coped by eating all the things and hiding from all the roaring emotions.  So I’m back home now and Day 1 Reset starts today.  We can do this together!
  18. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    So, I've gone back and looked ... and I've had 28 days that were not W30 compliant.  4 weeks of my life ~ gone.
    I can't think of any food I've had that was "worth" how I'm feeling right now:
    fat depressed fatigued angry disorganized ugly embarrassed  The great news is:  I know how to turn this around - and quickly.
    Monday seems like a good day to start journaling again.  These past weeks, with everything going on in the world ... our lives completely changed ~ and in some ways, probably forever ... I have numbed myself to all of it with foods that wreak havoc on my body and mind.  That time has passed for me.  I am better than this, and I deserve better than this.
    Tomorrow is a new day.  I'll be getting back to work (at home) after having over a week off for "spring break".  My husband returns to work tomorrow, as well.  The kids are still home, and don't start their e-learning plan for another week - but I have to get back to some sense of normalcy around here.  Our new normal, I guess.  It does not include diet Dr. Pepper (!) (WTF!)  or corn chips, or candy bars.
    I hope anyone out there reading is doing okay ... doing well.  This is certainly not the time to sit around and eat junk.  If you, too, need a reset - let's do it together.
  19. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Just checking in to say I hope you ladies are doing well.  Thanks for being there.
    I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head ... too many.  I feel discombobulated, for sure.  
    Why ~ why do I keep poisoning my brain with this nonsense?  In the moment, I think it will make me feel better ... the reality is that it never does.
  20. Thanks
    BabyBear got a reaction from Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Goodness, combatting nicotine withdrawals are no joke.  Geesh woman you’ve got a lot going on.  Be kind be gentle and keep on trucking along.  I’m proud of you for not throwing in the towel and the fact that you keep coming back to work on those layers.  
  21. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    I've gone back and looked now.  And here's what I think: 
    I had already ordered the Step 3 patches, when I was feeling good - and thought I was ready.  By the time the Step 3 patches had arrived, and the Step 2 patches ran out ... I was not in such a good W30 place.  So = bad combo.
    It's all just one big experiment, isn't it?  Life.  It just IS.
    Also, looking back through my journal - I see that the furthest I've made it so far is 10 days.  That was only interrupted by the planned lunch with my employer (I am beginning to cringe at the word "boss" - that's not how we roll - we are a team).  So the little tiny baby goal in my mind, for now, is that at some point I'd like to make it to Day 11.
  22. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Thank you, @Amy_Michigan ... and YES ... I have often thought to myself that perhaps I am going to live my life in these "cycles" ~ and that perhaps that is okay.  I'm not sure what all of the drivers are behind the shift when it occurs, but I've identified some of them in the post above.  There are more.  There are things I haven't even talked about here yet ~ just because there are only so many hours in a day, you know?  
    I've been using the nicotine patch since October of last year.  I could not believe how unbelievably successful it was for me.  In the past, I'd gone cold-turkey, I'd used nicotine gum, lozenges, and drops.  I'd even experimented with Wellbutrin, which is supposed to help you quit - but had zero effect in that department for me.
    I was driving along one day last fall, and thought to myself, "I wonder if you have to have a prescription for the patch?"  Being an RN - I feel like I should know everything (lol) - but alas, I do not.  So I googled it, and I thought, Holy. Crap.  Why did I not think of this before?!
    It's been life-changing for me.  Because I have NEVER enjoyed the smell, the taste, the habit, of smoking.  I don't like how it makes me feel about myself.  I don't like how it interrupts my life and takes me away from whatever else is going on.  It consumes me.  Life revolves around when is the next break going to be.  It's terrible.  That's because the body is going through withdrawal basically all of the time.  Our bodies start processing and eliminating the nicotine immediately, so withdrawal begins to occur pretty much as soon as we put out that nasty cigarette.
    I've lived a double life.  I never talked to anyone about being a smoker in nursing school - I didn't go out on class breaks with the other smokers, didn't smoke before going to class, and certainly not before going to clinicals.  I still smoke about 1-2/day now, most days, and my new employer and I have never discussed it.  I'm not saying she doesn't know or suspect - I'm saying, as far as I know, I've given her no reason to think about it.  I don't smoke in my car anymore (Good Lord ... YUCK.) and I have never gone to work with her, smelling like smoke.  It's always carefully arranged ~ that's what I'm saying.  I usually have one in the morning, before my shower, and occasionally one in the evening, before bed.
    But back to the patch:  You start out with Step 1 (21 mg).  I chose from the beginning not to pay any attention to the directions re: length of phases - because I know myself too well, and I decided I would wear this freaking patch for the rest of my life, if that's what I have to do.  I even said this to my doctor, and he agreed with me.  He shrugged and said, "Some people do."  Well, great, because I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do anyway.  And he knows this.  Lol.  So I also did not keep track of how long I wore the Step 1 patches.  (It was longer than directed).  I moved down to Step 2 when I felt like perhaps I was a tad overstimulated, and that I could do without the extra nicotine.  The transition from Step 1 (21 mg) to Step 2 (14 mg) was uneventful.  I don't even remember anything about it.  Non-issue.
    Where I'm going with all of this (and if you are still reading at this point, you are a true friend):  I moved down to Step 3 (7 mg) recently.  I think I was feeling so good on W30 ... and maybe I did feel overstimulated again ... so I thought it was time.  I just finished a 14-day box of Step 3 - used the last one on Monday.  So I will have to go back now and see if I started to take a nosedive around that time.  I think I probably did.  Because this transition was noticeable to me.  I also started smoking more.  
    21 mg --> 14 mg is only a reduction of 1/3.
    14 mg --> 7 mg is a reduction of 1/2.
    So yesterday ~ having run out of the Step 3 patches, I grabbed my "emergency" patch from my wallet - which I had put there back in my Step 1 days.  I cut it in half - which the instructions say never to do - and so, I had 10.5 mg all day yesterday.  And that was good.  I've always suspected the whole "don't cut it in half" was a line of crap for them to make more money ... but I wasn't really sure about that, so I just followed the directions on that one in the past.  Which means I've probably spent way more money than I needed to.  Lol.
    And if you're STILL reading (!) - I have typed all of this out in an effort to tell myself what I already instinctively knew:  I am not ready for Step 3, and my body does not fit into some cookie-cutter program.  Perhaps I need step 2.5 and then 2.75 to remain successful.  And yes, I know, true success in many people's minds will be nicotine-free.  Smoke-free.  But what is most important - honestly, the only thing that is important - is that I feel happy and successful.  No one else gets to define our successes for us.
  23. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    ^ But that's not helpful - not to me, or anyone else.
    Maybe I didn't feel like talking about it last night ~ but the whole point here is to figure out why I make the decisions I do, and how I can end up staying on a good path.  So let's explore a few thoughts.
    Time change:  I hate you.  Every member of my family hates you right now.  We had a decent system down, then you come along and screw with it. Oh, seriously ... it's going to be "that" time of the month again soon ... are you kidding me?  How long does this go on?   Teenager flare-up, currently in progress. Financial stress.  Apparently I can't stop working as an RN and still spend money as if I were - who knew? And this is possibly the most important of all - the lynchpin:  I have not yet figured out the most optimal diet for me.  I often think I need to sit down and research for an entire day - just focus on making a list of low-FODMAP and low-histamine foods.  Figure out all of the mechanisms that are causing me to have a histamine problem in the first place (this is an area where I've done a lot of research in the past) - then figure out what I can do to support those systems.  There's also the subject of IBS - and zero denying that it is a factor, and must be taken into consideration in all food decisions. So I get frustrated.  I throw my hands up mentally ~ and I'm like, "whatever".  Just - what. ever.  I get tired of thinking about it.  
    But we have to think about it - don't we?  At least a couple of times per day ... and probably way more than that for most people.  We have to think about food.  We have to make choices.  I'm back at the point where I really don't know what choices to make, and that sucks.  I end up making some of the least optimal choices when I'm frustrated.
  24. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Thanks @BabyBear for sharing your thoughts ...  My family really is okay with whatever I decide to eat/not eat ~ no one really cares ~ I just put that pressure on myself of "It's my birthday, I have to choose..."
    Today was a pretty weird eating day, and definitely not W30 compliant.  I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing.  
  25. Like
    BabyBear reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Well, guys ... I blew it.  Thanks for the birthday wishes!
    Today I am 41 years, and 1 day old.  Lol.
    It's okay ... it's okay, though.  Because I really figured out another layer ~ and that is:  I will eat things I don't "really" want to eat, because I am worried about the feelings of others.
    A part of me wants to call this "peer pressure" ~ but it really isn't.  No one was pressuring me (well, not exactly) - but I did have to make a decision about dinner.  "It's your birthday - we'll do whatever you want."  <-- Okay, yes, that does feel like pressure to me.  But it's more of an internal pressure I put on myself.  You know what I mean.
    I wasn't far enough along in my journey (AKA: Day 1 again) ~ and therefore, not confident enough to say: "Okay, I'm having a frozen meal, you guys can do whatever you want."  
    I personally would have been very happy with a frozen meal & keeping the day compliant, like I said here I was going to do.    But that's not the choice I made - and yes, it was my choice.  I'm owning it.
    ---
    I got the flooring done!  The appraiser came back out to see it at the end of the day on Friday.  Now he just has to file a quick 2-page report on Monday, and then hopefully we can get the refinance closed this week.  I do have that sense of "I'll believe it when the money is in our bank account" ... because it seems like there are so many things in this process that can go wrong.  This is why we've been in the same house for the past 17 years and not moved OR refinanced.  My sister has moved like a hundred times ~ and the thought of all of the ducks that have to line up in a row each time makes me want to barf.
    I love the meme someone sent me years ago:  I do not have ducks.  I do not have a row.  I have squirrels, and they're at a rave.    
    ---
    I hope we all can have a happy, healthy Sunday.  That's as far as I'm going with the proclamations at this point!