PhoenixRising

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  1. SugarCubeOD.... Oh my goodness, that totally made my day, thank you so much. I happen to love Brene Brown, and no, I haven't worked with someone strictly about my eating habits, and that is a really good idea, and I'm going to look in to it. Food has been one of the biggest (excuse the pun) problems in my life, and it's definitely something I need some serious help with. I will take everything you said to heart, and see what I can do to get the most out of what I'm trying to accomplish right now. I do work with an energy healer on a regular basis (kinesiology, muscle testing, the Body/Emotion Code and the Healer's Blueprint saved my life) and she has been really helpful in figuring out what my body needs and what I need to stay away from. My biggest problem is the emotional eating. It's totally out of control and food has become my new addiction. I really do need to find someone who can help guide me through this part of my life. I will keep in mind what you said... I will focus on eating real, healthy foods, I wont order out of go get fast food, and I wont buy junk or processed foods when I go grocery shopping. If I could just make it 30 days, I think I could flip that switch that craves sugar all the time. I never would have believed that trying to quit sugar would be harder than quitting meth, but it is, and that's a scary thought. Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I really needed to hear them today <3
  2. Thanks for all of your responses. Update: I've not been doing well. I somehow managed to gain 10lbs back. I went from 225 to to 235. And I haven't been able to get back on track. Everything in life just seems to be falling apart right now. Let me share a bit of my story, maybe someone can relate, and help me out... or maybe just writing it out will help me to feel better. I have been overweight since I was a little kid. My family went through some serious trauma and it hit me really hard, and being a child and having absolutely no control over anything, I took control over the one thing I could: Eating. And I ate, and ate, and ate my feelings away. I was tormented by children all through my school years. Even now, at 30 years old, I still get bullied by men and women about my weight. I finally got a breast reduction in my mid 20s, because they were insane. I was 280lbs and my cosmetic surgeon literally told me he had no idea how I had gone through life with breasts that big, and that reducing them to a smaller size would be life changing for me. He wasn't wrong. Even after the reduction, which was massive, I'm still a 42DD/DDD depending on the maker. However, it did enable me to slowly start losing weight, as I could be more active than I was before. Then, around 26, after dating some of the most miserable men you could have ever come across because of my lack of self esteem, something became very wrong in my life. My anxiety shot through the roof, I couldn't sleep, I was an emotional mess all the time, and I had no idea what was wrong with me. I honestly thought I was going crazy. After my boyfriend at the time ended up stealing my car, robbing my house, several of our friends houses and some of his, a friend of his finally contacted me while the police were looking for him and told me the truth: He was using meth, and he had been slipping me meth on and off for a little over 2 months. I had no idea. I was completely oblivious to it. I didn't know what meth was. I didn't know what it looked like, what it did to you, how you took it, anything. And by the time I was informed, I was hooked on it. I spent the next 6 months battling the worst addiction of my life. Why? Because it was making me lose weight. I was losing weight faster and easier than I ever had in my life. I went from 250lbs to 170lbs in a mere matter of months. And I didn't want to stop, because I was FINALLY being told that I looked good. I never once stole. I never once pawned anything. I had a full time job, I paid my bills, and if I didn't have money to buy drugs, I didn't buy drugs. But men in my life encouraged me to keep using, because they told me I was looking great, and that meth was a great way to lose weight and look the way they wanted me to. How pathetic was I that I bought in to that? How horrible was it that I had so little self esteem that I thought that using drugs was the way to be beautiful? And what did it end up doing? Ruining my life. I eventually started using so much to try and lose weight that I got severe drug induced psychosis. Talk about a living nightmare. You've never experienced terror like that of your own brain tormenting you when you're awake. Seeing and hearing things that aren't there, being convinced bad things were out to get you... I would never wish that hell upon anyone. For some reason, I don't know how I did it, but I finally told my family and friends what was happening and quit all on my own. I severed ties with anyone and everyone I knew who did drugs of any kind or drank or lived a lifestyle I wanted no part of. I quit my job to spend time with my family as I got sober. And by some miracle, without having to go to rehab at all, I stopped completely. I haven't touched the drug since. Over the last few years I gave up drinking as well, and as of today I am 5 months and 20 days 100% completely sober. My point is that I almost gave up my life in a desperate attempt to be accepted by others. I was poisoning my body just so people would like me. Because we live in a world that has made us believe that you have to look a certain way to be loved. And unfortunately, part of me still believes that. I finally found a doctor who heard my whole story and felt compassion for me. Both of us sat in his office with a nurse and all cried together as I told my story, much of which I have left out here. But he had faith in me, and knew that I needed help. He put me on several different medications for anxiety, most of them completely natural, and only 1 controlled substance that he knew I needed. The stimulant psychosis left some residual effects on me; while the psychosis in itself is completely gone, it left me with an innate fear of other people, a fear of being alone, and crippling panic and anxiety attacks. My doctor gave me the help I needed to overcome this anxiety and helped me get into a wonderful counseling program where I visit with a counselor once a week and have regular visits with a psychiatrist to manage my medication needs. But, of course, in stopping my drug use, I packed all the weight I had lost back on. 170lbs (by the way, it was not a healthly look; I had more than one person ask me if I had cancer during that time; I thought i looked beautiful, but through everyone elses eyes I looked sickly) back up to 250lbs within a year. I can't get this weight off. Every time I try to follow a program or eating plan I make it a week or two and then my emotions get the better of me and I give up or give in. I don't go to the gym because I still suffer from some agoraphobia and dont want to take the controlled anxiety meds every day; the risk of addiction to that is something I don't want to even go near. I have no friends; when I cut ties, I cut ties with EVERYONE. You'd be amazed at the amount of people I know in my life who don't drink or do drugs; it's virtually zero. I don't feel like I fit in or belong anywhere, I pretty much hate and distrust all men, and I'm just alone all the time. I was doing so good on this plan. 10 days in, down to 225lbs, and now I'm inching up back to 250. No matter what I do or eat I'm hungry all the time. I just had my thyroid checked and while its on the low end, the doctor didn't seemed concerned about it. I think my hormones are messed up from all the stress I've been in over the years, but I don't know how to pursue further action or help. What amazes me the most is that I was able to give up meth, drugs, and alcohol with virtually no problem... but why can't I give up food? Why can't I just eat and be healthy? I feel like I'm trapped in a body that isn't mine and I get so discouraged all I do is lay in bed all day. My anxiety is too bad to try and have a job outside my home right now, and I hardly make enough money working from home as it is. I am completely and utterly discouraged. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn for help. I know it takes time and patience and hard work and perseverance but if I can't even stick to an eating plan or exercise... what am I going to do? I can't go on living like this. I hate everything about myself and most days I just wish I would die. What kind of life is that? How can I get past these feelings and move forward to a life that is worth living? Maybe this was way too much information to share, but I need all the help and support I can get. I'm not a bad person, I'm just incredibly lost and alone. I made some terrible choices all because I live in a world that has made me believe the only value that matters is looks. And I hate that. I hate this world. This picture below is me at 170lbs on meth. The middle picture is me at 185lbs off meth. And this picture is me at 230lbs completely sober. People tell me I'm beautiful all the time, and I just can't see it. I don't know if its from a lifetime of being told I was ugly and fat, but I just have no sense of self worth. If I can't see the beauty in myself, who else can? Why can't I find value in myself? How do I get to a point where I can be happy and healthy? I don't want to be some skinny model... I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I just want to have a life. I need help. ~Phoenix
  3. Thank you so much for your response. It was right on. I guess I thought if I fasted for a few days to get the excess sugar I ate burned out, that I could start fesh on April 1st and try again and hopefully. I've been feeling so weak from this "carb flu" I've barely had the strength to exercise so I know I'm not burning off the sugar like I should. I thought maybe a few days of water fasting (and when it becomes unbearable have a piece of chicken with some raw veggies) would help me to get back on track. I also know I need to force myself to walk, even if its just 20 minutes a day. I know I shouldn't be weighing myself but its just become a force of habit I am going to attempt to stay away form the scale completely from now until May, walk every day, and pay a lot more attention to what I eat. And when I get cravings, I"ll have to find something to distract myself. I appreciate your words so much. I really want to do this. I feel like this year is the year that I have to make these changes or it will never happen! It's very hard living with 2 other people although one of them is trying the whole30 as well and she is doing so much better than I am. She has a lot more self control than I have! I think a major part of my problem is boredom. I work from home, not very much, and I have a little bit too much spare time on my hands. In the past, when I was bored, I would just eat. I need to figure out ways to occupy my time wisely. Again, something I really need to work on! Thank you so much for all your input!
  4. Call me Phoenix. I started the Whole30 on March 17th 2018. It was absolute hell. I've never had my body feel worse. For 10 straight days I had a pounding headache/migraine, I had no strength in my body, I couldn't sleep, and I just felt completely miserable. I could hardly move around the house. Granted, all I had been eating was carbs, dairy, sugar and more sugar, so I knew stopping it all at once would be harsh, but I felt it had to be done. I didn't except the fallout to be so hard on my body; that was a wake up call. Then day 10 hit, and I don't know if it was some new medication I started for anxiety or what, but s--- hit the fan. I went from following the plan completely for 10 days to running out to the store for some lemon juice and coming back with a handful of candy bars, 4 slices of pizza from Pizza Pipeline, and devouring half a carton of Tillamook ice cream with 2 cans of diet and caffeine free soda. And I hated myself for it, because I instantly felt better. My headache went away, I got my energy back, and I've slept better last night and today than I can remember sleeping in weeks. But then the reality hit me. I was 10 days in to the Whole30, and I threw it all down the drain. And my cravings for junk are worse than today than they were yesterday. At my heaviest, I was 280lbs. Before my binge yesterday, I was at 225lbs. This morning, I was back up to 230lbs. Is that even possible? Did I eat 5lbs worth of crap? I'm totally devastated. Not only do I have to start over completely (Yes, I absolutely have to start over 100%) I have no idea what made me break so badly yesterday, but the worst of it is, IS THAT I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING. No one forced pizza down my throat. No one scooped ice cream into the bowl for me. I did it all on my own. And I hate myself for it. This time last year I was down to 170lbs. Long story short, calling off my wedding 3 days before did not help matters, and I spent a good 4 months in bed crying, depressed, and eating everything within sight, which rocketed me up to 250lbs. But I don't want to live like this anymore! I don't want food to control me or my life! I am desperately, desperately ready to get over this garbage and eat well. I've made sure my meals were balanced with the whole 30... good fats, a fair amount of protein, lots of veggies and some fruit with a meal, and as much water as I can remember to make myself drink. But for some reason, I AM HUNGRY ALL THE TIME NO MATTER HOW MUCH I EAT and I hate it. I did finally go to the doctors yesterday to have them test my thyroid and hormone levels, because intense hunger is something I've been dealing with for years now. But I feel like I let myself down so badly. I mean come on.... I had made it 10 whole days!!!! My plan is water fast Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (if I feel like I'm dying I'll have a small amount of veggies and protein once a day) and then to restart my Whole30 on April 1st. I'm just hoping that I wont have to deal with the miserable fly like symptoms I got the first week I tried. Do any of you have any advice for getting through this? And for not feeling like a total failure when you mess up? I know what the rules are, and this wasn't a tiny slip. It was a major one. And starting over is the only choice I have if I'm serious about really doing this. But man. I just feel worthless. My goal weight is 130-140lbs. I just want to be there by this time next year. So why do I feel like I won't make it?