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    Apricot got a reaction from Lauriecorgimom in Apricot's W30 Log   
    Before I start my first entry, I want to take a minute to reflect on my body. 
    I have a great body.  Like, a really great body. 
    The caveat is that it isn't a pretty body, and that's the one aspect of it that I tend to get hung up on.  Every time that I change my eating pattern, or consistently go to the gym, it's always done with self-hatred as a motivator.  I've achieved a lot with self-hatred; it's an incredibly powerful motivational tool!  It's also one that leaves me miserable, and unable to acknowledge (much less enjoy) any personal victories.  Every time I look in the mirror (even during times where I was at a healthy weight with clear skin) I always have a subconscious flicker of "I hate my body".
    That's a terrible way to treat a great body.  My body has good blood pressure, almost no allergies, excellent stamina, steady hands, and puts on leg muscle easily.  This body has climbed mountains, carried me through college into a career, and held together through miserable, grueling jobs.  I almost never get headaches, and who else can say that?  Everyone I know gets headaches!
    It seems silly to discount all the good my body does for me just because it doesn't look good.  Having an able body is like winning the lottery in life, and being pretty is just the cherry on top.  I'm tired of eating garbage with the rational that "it doesn't matter" or "my body's already wrecked, so might as well have a brownie".  I'm so tired of being mean to myself and out of control about what I eat.
    The next 30 days aren't a punishment, they're the least that my body deserves.  I'm way past due on taking some time with my body and figuring out what's good for it.  It's mine, it's unique, and it deserves the same amount of love and attention that I give everything else in my life.  Yes, there are a lot of things that I want to change about my body, and yes, it's going to be impossible not to think about them while I do this, but I'm going to do my best not to dwell on those thoughts.  When I have a negative thought about myself, I'm going to sit with that thought, and observe it as it passes.  No more denial, no more spiraling, just quiet observation.  
    Having a mentality of self-love vs self-hate isn't easy for me, and it takes a lot of work to maintain.  I know that at some point during the next month I'm going to slip up in terms of where my motivation is coming from, and when I do I hope that I can come back to this entry and remember what my mentality was on day one.  This isn't a punishment, and there's no reason for negative self-image to be attached to it in any way.
    Now that my inaugural navel-gazing session is out of the way: Round two, day one, baby!  Let's go!!