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  1. Like
    Emma reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    I'm not going to number today.  Not yet, anyway.
    I had a big post started here ~ sounding kind of down, like I was feeling.  Then I had a phone call that strangely lifted my spirits.  (More on that later, perhaps).  Plus my morning coffee is kicking in.
    So I'm going to leave it at this:  I'm going to get off the couch now, and I'm going to go kick this day's ass.  Then tonight, I might have some wine.  With my husband.
    And life will go on.  And it will be good.   
  2. Like
    Emma reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Day 4 today ~ and the floor is coming along beautifully.  
    You would think, living in a home with four males aged 13-43, that I might have some help ... but I really don't.  I'm not typing that out in a bitter PMS state.  It's just a layer of my onion that I'm putting out here to observe.  
    There is a sense of pride and accomplishment, seeing our home transform ... row after row after row ... and I will always be able to look at it and say:  I did that.  It's not perfect, and it never will be ~ but it's mine.
    I've come to realize that I have a need to create.  I think, perhaps, that need has gone unfulfilled at many points in my life ... and I wasn't even aware of it being a need, until recently.
    Now that I am aware of it, I will cultivate it.  I have a lot of ideas in my mind, all the time.  I will try not to get frustrated if those around me cannot see and share my vision.  I most likely don't need their help ~ I just need their support.  Get out of my way, and let me create.  
    I popped over to Amy's log today, and it was so interesting to see her talking about her Outlander addiction.
    ...Oh, @Amy_Michigan ... girl ... I so hear you.  
    I read approximately the first three books, before I lost interest.  That was years ago.  But I just finished watching the entire Poldark series, while working on my floor over the weekend.  Then I'm like:  well, crap, now what?  
    So I go to Amazon - realize that apparently I had purchased the first season of Outlander, years ago - and apparently I had watched the first couple of episodes.  I started back up, somewhere in the middle of the third episode.  I'm just thinking, "Whatever ... it's something to listen to while I work on this floor."
    For the past two nights, I have stayed up until close to 2:00 am -- not working on the floor, because that involves banging with a mallet, and my kids are in bed -- but watching this damned show.  Last night was The Wedding, and ... good Lord.  I mean, seriously.  Seriously.  Lol.  I'm not sure if it's a good thing for me to be watching.  It made me want to drink wine with my husband, for one thing.  And it made me realize how far, far, far away it is from my reality.  It's far away from everyone's reality, clearly, and that's why we love it.  It's an escape.
    So I started thinking along these lines:  Is it better for us to shut things like this out, and not stir up those feelings of discontent?  Is it better for us to watch things like this, and acknowledge that perhaps this is an area of our life that could use some ... weed-pulling?  
    Hmmm.  I am going to keep deep-thinking on that one.  The conclusion I come to might decide whether I'm buying wine again anytime soon.  Which brings up the question:  Why do we need wine?  I'm not saying everyone does ... but I am going to call a spade a spade, and say that our level of intimacy is most certainly enhanced by alcohol.
    Man.  Now my brain hurts, and I have to go to work.    As always ~ best wishes for a glorious day!
  3. Like
    Emma reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Day 2 today.  Funny how I feel confident going ahead and posting that in the morning, instead of having to wait until the day is over to see if I make it through.   
    My period showed up like clockwork this time ~ none of this "several days early" business like I had last month.  And you know what?  No, I don't feel like a crazy bitch.  I didn't think I felt that way last month, either ... but looking back, I know that I was unhappy/stressed with several things in my life, and I was pretty vocal about it.  I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that.  Some things really do need to be said.  But I'm going to keep an eye out over these next few days, and be mindful of both how I am speaking to my family and what I am saying.
    Yes... there is no doubt I am in a better place now.
    Imagine your gas tank is sitting at "E" with the light on ... you can still drive around, and the car is still fully functioning.  Each night, you have just enough money to fill your gas tank to 1/4.  Whew!  The "E" light goes off, and you feel better.
    Imagine this cycle day, after day, after day.  
    Imagine that your tank never sits at 1/2 ~ let alone full.  Is it possible to function and be happy this way?  Sure, it is.  But you won't go any further than your current routine.  You will have just enough to get where you need to go, and back home again.
    But what if, one day, someone handed you an extra $10, and you put that extra $10 in your gas tank?  If you are smart at all, that's exactly what you'd do -- and now, you have created a new baseline.  Not only can you get through most days without the "E" light having to come on at all, but if you needed or wanted to go further in a day, you could.
    And you'd enjoy that feeling of not running on "E".  It would boost your confidence in your ability to go places, and it would reduce your overall daily stress.  And you'd think to yourself that, the next time someone gives you $10, it is most definitely going in your gas tank.
    This is how Whole 30 is for me.  I'm not in it for the 30 days ... I have been there, done that.  I am in it for the long haul.
    I realized, after I posted yesterday morning, that I referred to my grandmother as my great-grandmother.  I sort of laughed to myself and thought I'd make a joke here about "Mexican food brain".  Haha... I blame the Mexican food!  
    But that's not funny.
    I read Grain Brain and Brain Maker by Dr. Perlmutter years ago, and I was a big fan of his work at the time.  I read both of them more than once, and they were heavily highlighted and loved.
    What happened to me?  Where did I go?
    I took a journey that was necessary, and I did what I thought I had to do to survive that journey.  I've been in survival mode.  For years now.  Holy shit.
    I was having those "Grain Brain" moments before I came back here ... more often than I'd like to admit.  
    But there is a force, deep within us, that says:  WAKE UP.  
    Like Percy Jackson and the lotus flowers.  Poseidon says to him:  WAKE UP.  And Percy realizes that he's been in a dream-like state, and that time has been passing by -- quickly.  He begins to refuse the lotus flowers -- which, keep in mind, pisses off those around him (!) because they all want him to stay in this state, in this place.  Forever.  
    But Percy is a smart guy, and he's got Poseidon watching out for him.  He runs away from those &$%! lotus flowers, and he goes on to accomplish great things.  Huge things.  Meaningful things.
    So Grandma: I'm sorry.  You are a Great Grandmother, and even a Great Great Grandmother.  But to me, you are Grandma.  The picture of strength and mental clarity for the first ~38 years of my life ... and an inspiration to me like no other.
  4. Like
    Emma reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Day 1 again today.  
    I'm posting now ~ because this is my quiet time to do so.  The rest of the day will be filled with running kids here and there, conversations with my family ... and putting down the new flooring.  I worked on it for a couple of hours last night ~ and it is going to be beautiful.  But boy-oh-boy ... it's going to take me awhile.  That's okay.  It's winter and I would rather have a project to focus on, for sure.  It's satisfying, seeing each piece click into place.  Hmm ... progress that can be seen before my very eyes ... I like that.
    I had originally gone to a nearby flooring store and stamped my foot like Veruca Salt, saying, "I want it now!"    You know, not really, but ... at first I did just want to pay the "professionals" to come in here and get it done quickly.  There's a little bit of Veruca Salt in there sometimes ... it's good for me to be aware of her presence, and keep her in check.
    My computer was doing some update crap this morning, and I couldn't use it to do things with my morning coffee like I usually do {Veruca was pissed}.  So I finally picked up this new book I had ordered:  The UltraMind Solution by Mark Hyman, MD.
    I like holding real books in my hands ... and I like highlighting.
    That's a part of myself that does not get honored nearly enough lately.  I have always had a love of learning, and I especially like reading books about the human body.  I don't know a lot about Mark Hyman, and I don't revere any doctors as Gods.  But these books usually have some great information that I did not know before ~ and, if they are worth anything as an author ~ some deep and thought-provoking quotes.  
    I hit a point in the very first paragraph of Chapter 1 that made me tear up this morning.  He is talking about the epidemic of "broken brains":
    "It deprives children of their future, the elderly of their past, and adults of their present."
    Indeed.  This hit me right between the eyes.  I have children - one, in particular, whose mood and behavior is highly affected by his food choices.  I am the adult, and so is my husband.  And I have a great-grandmother, dear to me, who is 93 years old ... and the deterioration I have had to sit back and watch over the past few years is painful.  Downright, almost, seriously, physically, painful.  The way her "care" has been handled has caused a rift in our family that I think will never fully mend.
    Whew -- I hate to end on a sad note!  Let's not do that.  
    So I will share one more thing, and maybe go into more detail later.  I have been undecided on whether I am ever going to work in nursing again ... very up-in-the-air, and I hate that feeling.  I know, sometimes it is necessary, and those uncomfortable times are often when we really grow the most.
    I have decided to go back to WGU for a bachelors in business management -- that choice I decided on awhile ago.  
    What's crazy is this:
    I spoke with my admissions counselor yesterday.  I said yep, I like the way you transferred my credits, looks good, green light - let's go.  But I want to change my start date from March 1 to April 1, after spring break.  (That's no big deal - WGU starts every month, all year round).
    Turns out, the program catalog is changing for all students who start April 1 and later.  So now, instead of just having a straight-up business management degree, you get "micro credentials".  And the two choices are:  Marketing track, or Healthcare track.
    I'm working for a marketing company right now, and I love it.  But I'm also a nurse.  Lol.  I'm like ... are you freaking kidding me?   
    And it brought me clarity.  Looking through the marketing classes causes excitement.  Looking through the healthcare classes makes me want to barf.  I'm not sure it can get much more clear than that.
    If you've actually read this far ~ Ric Flair "woo!" ~ I'm thankful for your presence here.  And I hope you have a fantastic weekend.
  5. Like
    Emma reacted to BabyBear in Very hungry mommy 1st Time whole 30 Jan 2020   
    RI Day 14 (2/13) 
    6:00 get up potty baby and find out schools in the area are closed due to flooding.  It took over an hour to get a definitive answer regarding our tutorial day.  Anyways they decided to follow the schools.  So back to bed!
    8:30 up and get hubby and baby out the door to take hubby to doctor.  It is gout in his elbow.  Poor guy!  He’s talking about cleaning up his diet to get his flare ups under control.  He’s very upset because he was suppose to be headed to Skate party to vend out in Tx, but he can’t drive that distance like this let alone lift any of the inventory to load and unload.  So he’s upset about the money loss, he normally does 5k on this weekend.  Hopefully we can get him better for next weekends party.
    10:00 M1 - 3 eggs with Italian seasoning, sautéed 1/4 head of cabbage in bacon fat.  
    1:30 M2 - LO cajun chicken Alfredo (nomnompaleo sauce) with spaghetti squash and broccoli
    Lunch was tasty, but I filled up quick.  I got all the dishes done I had been avoiding and then went down for a nap while baby slept.
    7:00 M3 - dinner out with hubby and baby.  Grilled chicken and peppers with a green salad with olive oil lemon and Italian seasonings
    Shopping with the baby was interesting to say the least, but I came out triumphant.  I had to get new bras as my others are too big to provide support. NSV went from a 40 DDD to a 38 C/D depending on the cut.   Oh and I’m back down to that last belt hole!    
    I feel like I have successfully completed my whole 30 and reintroduction and I am now beginning my Food Freedom journey.  It’s exciting and scary all at the same time, but so was the whole 30.  I am closing out this thread, and I will begin a thread on the post whole 30 log board.  Thank you to everyone who has offered their kind words of encouragement and given me a tribe in all this crazy food stuff.  I hope you venture over to find me on the other board.  XOXO
  6. Like
    Emma reacted to BabyBear in Very hungry mommy 1st Time whole 30 Jan 2020   
    RI Day 13 (2/12) cont
    after a very long day and horrific drive in torrential rain, I arrived home to find my poor hubby in excruciating  pain from his elbow.  After looking at it I’m certain he has gout in his elbow.  I oiled (essential oils) him up and as a small amount of relief came to him he started talking with no filter, but he was oh so sweet.  He told me how proud of me he was, and how he wished I hadn’t tossed the little white shorts I used to wear (8 years ago) that he really liked on me because he thinks I could get in them again.  (I didn’t tell him those are still 50lbs away). He said how much he likes the results of the hard work I had put in.  He knows I said I was doing it for me, but he has benefited from the change too.  He said he would love me no matter the size but he likes the improvements and how happy I’ve been.  He went on to talk the things he has seen me overcome over the past 10 years.  how the arm break was so traumatizing for me and how he still doesnt know how I survived that mentally.  He talked about how strong I am and what a wonderful mother I am and that he is so grateful to have me as his wife.  He talked about taking me shopping for some sexy stuff like I use to wear.  I am pretty sure I started crying because he hadn’t really said much other than do you feel better eating like this.  I had no idea he had even noticed a difference.  
    It’s been a good day and a little eye opening too.  Definitely going to keep working towards this food freedom thing for me.  
  7. Like
    Emma reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Thanks, ladies!  
    Day 9 yesterday ... and @BabyBear had me thinking a little bit this morning about the psychological effect of choosing to eat at Qdoba this Friday, and start my numbering all over again.
    It went a little bit like this:
    Google to find out who Ric Flair is Realize that possibly everyone but me knows who Ric Flair is Smile to myself ~ because I think it's just fine that I didn't know who Ric Flair is Have a moment of thankfulness for the reference, because now I know who Ric Flair is. Realize that Saturday will be Day 1 again for me Smile to myself ~ because I think it's just fine that Saturday will be Day 1 again for me Have a moment of thankfulness for W30, because I think that's a pretty good place to be.
  8. Like
    Emma got a reaction from Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Beautiful day to you.
    As for your onion title - I loved it! I thought, "Ahhhh, heaven, another person who speaks in metaphors!" I once heard a trauma counselor refer to an onion as similar to talking about traumas and each time you talk about it, you get closer to the inside, but it takes a lot of layers. Onions are cool things. 
  9. Like
    Emma reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    What you don’t visit my log? Ha ha just kidding.  There is so much wisdom in knowing where you are and what you need and then giving yourself space for just that rather then trying to cater to everyone.  I’m a pleaser and learning to set boundaries for my own health and well being and stick to them was hard.  I hope you have a lovely day no matter the outside circumstances.  
    Oh and you get a rick flair woooooooo day 8. You go girl!
  10. Like
    Emma reacted to Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    I've quite enjoyed reading @Brewer5 and @Emma's metaphor posts on this log.  It stretches my brain a little and makes me re-read sometimes, but I appreciate learning/looking at things in a different way.  Thanks for the idea about the jobs website.  I heard about it from my web-designer brother in law once, but I completely forgot about it.  Would love working from home in my comfy space.
    And don't worry.  I think we all are doing these logs for ourselves- our own personal reflection to help us get through the ups and downs of the whole30 and life in general.  If people happen to read them, it provides an extra connection we might have for motivation to keep coming back on the days we need it, but not the true intention of the log.  That's the way I feel anyway.  
  11. Like
    Emma reacted to BabyBear in Very hungry mommy 1st Time whole 30 Jan 2020   
    RI Day 13 (2/12) - fasting
    6:30 dragging myself out of bed… it might be all the gluten or it might be the binge watching Netflix with the hubby until 1:30 am but I have some serious brain fog and struggling to move my body this morning.  I grabbed my workout clothes and just couldn’t get the gumption to move it move it.  So I got dressed started packing up everyone to go.  I got the baby up to get him going so I wouldn’t be scrambling out the door.  We left on time and that in and of itself is a miracle because I was moving at sloth speed.
    I decided I would fast today, as I purposefully skipped Sunday as it was part of the weekend I set apart to focus on my hubby and our relationship.  I think I needed the fast today to get my brain back in check from the gluten craze yesterday.  The bloating caused me to go up a belt hole but I’m not going to fret.  Lots of water and compliant food will move it back down soon enough.  I have felt heavy this morning and just dragging through the motions.  I’m grateful for the fast and the chance to practice mindfulness.
  12. Like
    Emma reacted to BabyBear in Very hungry mommy 1st Time whole 30 Jan 2020   
    @Emma I was pretty shocked how it made my brain go crazy! I still feel like I’m in a bit of haze today and trying not to think about all the foods.  It helps I’m out of the house today with clients.  I need to spend sometime surfing through some whole 30 recipes on Instagram to shut my brain up about how much I am missing out on.  I’m really not missing out on anything and there will be a time and place to indulge into a Gluten-ess treat but right now is not the time.  I still have work on me and my food freedom I need to do!
  13. Like
    Emma got a reaction from MeredithM20 in Very hungry mommy 1st Time whole 30 Jan 2020   
    Your observations are SO good to read. I tried to do a reintro last time and I suppose I did, but not really enough to gather many observations. Mainly I just stayed away from the foods I thought were an issue. Reading your description of wanting the biscuit and the donuts that weren't even an issue before was affirming! There is a crazy brain/gut reaction and it doesn't seem to take much to open the floodgates of desire.  Gluten was one of the things I didn't reintro because I don't eat it much, but at some point I started going to the bakery and not soon after I was eating a pretty sugar based diet. I guess this time maybe I'll test out the gluten and see if it has a similar reaction to you. I wouldn't be surprised if it does.
  14. Like
    Emma got a reaction from BabyBear in Very hungry mommy 1st Time whole 30 Jan 2020   
    Your observations are SO good to read. I tried to do a reintro last time and I suppose I did, but not really enough to gather many observations. Mainly I just stayed away from the foods I thought were an issue. Reading your description of wanting the biscuit and the donuts that weren't even an issue before was affirming! There is a crazy brain/gut reaction and it doesn't seem to take much to open the floodgates of desire.  Gluten was one of the things I didn't reintro because I don't eat it much, but at some point I started going to the bakery and not soon after I was eating a pretty sugar based diet. I guess this time maybe I'll test out the gluten and see if it has a similar reaction to you. I wouldn't be surprised if it does.
  15. Like
    Emma reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Day 8 yesterday ~ and, nothing much to report as far as food goes.  I love how, in the beginning (of any new journaling/getting back to basics with food), the posts ARE more focused on food for me ... and as time goes on, it gravitates more toward experiences and, as @Amy_Michigan said, sharing that positive energy I am feeling.
    I think when I first posted here again ~ some people might have been like, "Like an Onion ... wtf is this ... weirdo ..."  LOL.  I knew exactly what I meant at the time I first posted ... I knew that the real me was hiding under several layers of bullshit that I had either piled on myself or allowed to be piled on by others.  I knew it was time to find my voice again ... to peel - and dig deeply, if needed - to cut out the bad parts of this onion and be rid of them.  And, as we all know when cutting onions ... I knew there would be some stinging and tears.  
    But man... when you start to get past some of that ugly and rotten stuff... the inside of that onion can be SO worth the work.
    Amy, I won't tag you here again, because I know you're already here ... but I wanted to say that I saw you tagged me in your journal yesterday, and I did read the post when it showed up in my email.  As I kept reading, I started thinking, "Dang, this is long... she doesn't usually post things this long in my journal..."   and then I was like:  OH!  This is in her journal!  Lol.
    I'm glad you tagged me.  Because it was great to read more detail about what's going on in your life, and because I honestly have not been traveling outside of my own journal at this point.  So I had a moment where I felt a little bit like an asshole ... and I wanted to apologize to you, and others who have been here daily to offer your support and kind words along my journey.  It means a lot.  I've been on a tiny carnivore group in the past, where it got to the point that it just felt like I was talking to myself all the time ... and that gets old pretty quickly.
    So again, I'm sorry that I haven't "ventured out" more to support others.  There is a longer, more complicated reason for that ... but also a very basic reason ... and it's not that I'm just an asshole.  
    I assume that we're all familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs ... but if anyone isn't, please google it now.  Not just because it's important to my next point, but because I think it is important for all of us to have as a tool in the back of our minds, as we think about ourselves and what is going on in our lives.
    I am still in the bottom two layers of Physiological needs and Safety needs for much of my time.  
    That is not to say that I'm not also floating up to those higher levels at times -- most certainly, I am.  But my two bottom levels are not concrete right now ... they just aren't.  And they haven't been since my entire world got turned upside down in the Fall of 2016.
    So I'm still going to stay here and post, because I have to for now ~ but yes, please continue to tag me if there's something you want me to see.  I do care.
    And on that note -- I want to share something I discovered a few months ago.  It's 100% legit ... I can assure that I am a researcher, and I would never steer anyone in a direction unless I knew it was a good one.  Maybe you already know about this -- (FYI I do not read the news, watch TV/commercials, or partake in social media, so I really don't know what is common knowledge these days) -- it's a site called Flex Jobs.  I'm not even going to post a link, because I don't want anyone to think I'm somehow profiting from this.  I'm not.  Just check it out, if you haven't already.  I think it's pretty freakin cool.  The status quo of the workplace is changing.  My boss's husband is a mechanical engineer for 20+ years, and they have now joined the site and have been checking out opportunities for him, too, since I told them about it.
    As always ~ to anyone out there reading ~ I wish you a beautiful day!  
  16. Like
    Emma reacted to BabyBear in Very hungry mommy 1st Time whole 30 Jan 2020   
    RI Day 12 (2/11) - Gluten
    7:50 up dragging but up.  Get baby up changed pottied and fed.  Started a load of laundry.  Clean up the the skate stuff hubby was working on last night so I can work out
    8:30 Exercise 35 min - 15 min BB cize it up crazy 8, crazy 8 abs, crazy 8 cool down. 20 min NHST week 2 day 1 blue.
    Circuit 1 x 3
    10 reps Bicep Curls 5lbs
    10 reps Bent over Row 5lbs
    10 reps Counter level Push-up
    10 reps Tricep Dip with foot support
    60 sec Plank on knees
    Omg the cize it up Abs try to kill me.  Lol it didn’t help my 11 yr DS watched the whole time and was certain to point out when I was modifying or just dying.  I love him dearly but if this continues he’s gonna find his butt on the floor doing these with me.  In fact I made him do the last circuit of the strength training with me.  He finished and said how on earth did you do that three times.  That’s right buddy Your momma is s Boss!
    9:15 M1- 2 eggs, a large bunch of spinach sautéed, LO home fries, home made ketchup, clarified butter over the home fries.  And a biscuit with clarified butter and strawberry preserves.  

    My mind about went bonkers when I pulled the biscuits out of the freezer.  There were only 4 left in the bag.  I about had myself convinced to make all four. NO! Hold your horses little lady.  This sounds like a food with no brakes.  I made two.  One for me and one for the baby.  I put the other two in the freezer.  My brain said what if the 13 yr DS wants one? I told myself then I will cook him one, but I’m not going to have extra biscuits lying around with you acting like this.  
    10:15 I can feel mucous building up in the back of my throat and I have a small amount of pressure in my sinus cavities 
    1:45 M2: BLT with toasted bread and homemade mayo. 
    The sandwich was good. I was starting to feel hungry but not ravenous.  Surprisingly the sandwich filled me up and I feel quite satisfied.  We shall see how I respond. 
    I made creamy Mac and cheese for the boys lunch.  The crazy thing is I made this several times during my whole 30 and it never bothered me.  Today however I wanted to dive in face first.  It was not part of my plan, it would not serve my goals today, and it was NOT worth it.  I still struggled with the desire.  
    It’s been a fairly productive morning, but I’ve only got half of what I wanted to get done this morning.  Time for babies nap so I guess we will be going to the store after his nap.
    Can we say cranky baby!  At least I know why, 3 more molars cutting through.  He is just miserable and pretty much cried and fussed from waking up until his bedtime.  
    8:00 M3 - meat sauce with angel hair pasta, mixed salad greens, lemon raspberry dressing, garlic bread.  
    I immediately started dinner when we got home.  The boys helped put groceries away and baby fussed.  I tested out the new air fryer contraption as it came in today.  I made some of the garlic bread in it and the rest in the oven.   The air fryer took half the time and didn’t require the preheat.  Yes I think I’m gonna love this thing.  My brain on gluten is like a brain on drugs.  Geesh sitting thinking if you don’t  eat all the salad you may be able to eat two pieces of garlic bread.  Oh and let’s not even mention the donuts!  My hubby and older boys love donuts so every week I get them some donuts I even did this through my whole 30, did not give them a second thought.  Tonight however my brain was trying to convince myself that just a taste or maybe half would be okay.  Again they don’t line up with my plans or goals and NOT worth it, yet my brain pestered me.  
    What I learned about me and gluten today.
        1. It makes my brain go crazy and I struggle with remaining in control of my choices
        2. It causes mild congestion 
        3. It causes mild bloating in my gut
        4. It reduces my mental ability to cope and think with stress (like a fussy baby)
    Although it tastes as good as I had remembered and hoped, gluten clearly is a use sparingly and  with caution food group for me.  I already expected that this one I was going to have issues with.  I expected my physical symptoms to be more severe so I’m grateful I didn’t get violently sick.  However there is no doubt I would have been violently sick had I caved to all my whims of food passion today.  
  17. Like
    Emma reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Ha, yesterday was Day 7 and I almost forgot to post about it!  
    All is good.  Had some funny stories from Lowe's ... don't have time to post about them right now.  
    I've decided to do the flooring in this house by myself.  Do you think I'm feeling better?
    Some may think I'm crazy.  I say:  I'M BACK.
    My mom was like, "well you know, there's such-and-such installer down on such-and-such street" and I'm like, yeah mom, I think I'm gonna do it myself.  Then she's like (etc etc) and I'm like, yeah mom, I think I'm gonna do it myself.  Then she's like (etc etc) and I'm like, yeah mom, I think I'm just going to do it myself.  That is what I'm telling you.  Lol.  There's more.  But alas ... today I must go to work.
    Everybody have a great day!
  18. Like
    Emma reacted to BabyBear in Very hungry mommy 1st Time whole 30 Jan 2020   
    RI Day 11 (2/10) - compliant
    8:30 - got up started dish washer and laundry now to exercise
    9:00 exercise - 40 min BB Cize with Shaun T.  Crazy 8 
    So I decided to step outside the comfort zone today and try a dance exercise.  Once I got past how awkward I probably looked because I can’t keep a beat and I don’t have them loosy goosy hips and upper body you see in hip hop dance, I actually had fun and I have to say I worked up a sweat!  I’ll shower when I get back because I’m sneaking  out to go get my hubby his favorite breakfast to surprise him with breakfast in bed.  I thought that would be a nice ending to a great weekend.  
    He was so surprised by his breakfast. Even though it was an amazing weekend we both agreed we are missing the kids.  So I got ready to go and tossed a roast in the crockpot for dinner when we get home tonight.  While I’m in the big city I scheduled a client so I will be headed there after picking up the boys.  It’s going to be a crazy couple of weeks but I feel like I am ready for it physically and emotionally.  
    12:30 S1 - rxbar
    Oops totally forgot in all my excitement about getting breakfast for my hubby and going to get kids I forgot to grab food for me.  Luckily I had an emergency Rxbar in my glove compartment of my truck.   So it’s not ideal but it’s also not my old response of panic mode I need food hit the closest drive through.  
    My client offered me a coconut water and I decided to take her up on it.  It’s compliant but I just haven’t had anything besides water with the occasional lime or lemon thrown in since I started my whole 30 in January.  This was really terrific coconut water, but wow have my taste buds changed because it was tasting super sweet.  Normally I find coconut water fairly bland tasting and always had to add pineapple juice to make it palatable.  
    8:30 M1 - pot roast with butternut squash
    I got home put baby to bed, put food in my belly and then wen to bed.  
  19. Like
    Emma reacted to Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    I related a lot to the back and forth grocery instructions to my husband.  The depression thing is hard to gauge for me.  Some days I don't know if I have anxiety from SAD or just being unhappy at my job.  When I think of how my body feels after 10 days on the whole30, it feels pretty great.  I feel a bit of an Eeyore cloud over me on cloudy days, but my body feels fine, and my head feels pretty clear.  As for feeling more energy, and acting on that energy...well, that is still something I am still working on.  I could go home and lay in my bed all day.  I don't know if that is my lupus, my SAD, or just me being lazy.  I hate that I always have to think about who I should blame- myself or my diagnoses.  My doctor says it's not me, but she doesn't really even know me.  
  20. Like
    Emma reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    I don't really even know you, either ~ but I will confidently say it is not "just you being lazy".  I don't believe laziness is even a real thing.  What appears to some as laziness is a symptom of something bigger ... and I don't think anyone is going to change my mind on that.
    Let's think in terms of nature:
    If we see a bird who remains on the ground as we approach, we almost immediately and instinctively know there is something wrong with that bird.  It is not acting on its primal instinct to flee -- because it can't.
    We are aware that if we see a possum or a raccoon out in the broad daylight -- it is most likely sick.  Yes, it could be starving (which is sickness), and yes, it could be fleeing because something just invaded its home ... but the bottom line is this:  If a nocturnal animal is out in the daytime ~ something is up.
    If I get out the dog treats, and one of my dogs remained lying on the floor ... that would immediately set off alarm bells in my head.
    So, I ask you:  Have you always wanted to lie in bed all day?  Always?
    That's a rhetorical question.  As children, we ran, and laughed, and played.  We used our imaginations.  We had fun.  
    In high school and college, we could (most likely ~ I realize I am generalizing) eat what we now realize was total shit ... yet we could still manage to go out and have fun with our friends, or go out on a date and enjoy it.
    If I see a human who wants to -- or feels like they need to -- lie in bed all day, I absolutely do not think "lazy".  Humans were not designed/wired to be "lazy".  
    It is the absolutely ridiculous disconnect we have with nature, and the completely artificial, man-made "normal" lifestyle we as humans have set up for ourselves ~ all in the name of Progress.  If you look at how rapidly things have changed in recent years ... yet the makeup and the fundamental needs of humans has not ... surely you will see why conditions like anxiety and depression are being diagnosed at an all-time high.
    @Amy_Michigan ~ I am not pinning blame on you, nor am I saying that you should (or should not) lie in bed all day.  I am simply giving you my perspective, in hopes that you will see that you really are on a good path ... you are peeling back layers of your own onion.  Love yourself through this, show yourself grace.  Think about what those fundamental needs of humans are -- the ones we can see, as evidenced throughout history -- and take stock of whether yours are being met.
  21. Like
    Emma reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    My husband has heard this before.  Then ~ next thing he knows ~ he's hearing, "whatever you do, don't buy me any dark chocolate!"  
    It's one of those things I had a real problem limiting in the past.  I'd eat an entire 90% bar all at once, then have heart palpitations and rushing trips to the bathroom.  I haven't done that in a long time.  I either avoid it altogether -- or, if I decide to try it again for some reason, I buy the small individually-wrapped squares.  It doesn't take long before I remember: "Yeah, that's why I stopped eating dark chocolate."
    I think one of the biggest successes I've had since I returned here at the end of December is conquering the Diet Mt. Dew addiction.  
    That began early in 2017, when I went back to college.  I remember clearly ... buying one from the vending machine at school, to have in class.  It was a "treat".  And I started to really look forward to it ... because, of course, I didn't keep that stuff in the house!  
    Now, there's some REAL psychoanalysis stuff that could happen (--> right here <--) but for now I will just say, this turned into an addiction for me ... which lasted throughout most of 2017, 2018, and 2019.  Three years.  Three years of putting artificial sweeteners, dyes, and a list of other unsavory items into my body -- and, by the end of that time -- like water.
    It's not that I'm stupid, or that I don't know any better.  In fact, in this case, I will say that my self-education worked against me.  Because, you see, I've read all about the amino acid phenylalanine, and I know exactly what it does for my brain.  It's an antidepressant, among other things.
    So my husband heard:  "Please make sure there is ALWAYS a supply of Diet Dew in the fridge."
    And occasionally he'd hear:  "I have GOT to get off the Diet Dew.  Whatever you do, do NOT buy any more."
    Then he'd hear:  "We don't have any Diet Dew here.  Please, please bring me one on your way home from work.  Please."
    I've been drinking black coffee and sparkling water.  I really don't care if it's flavored or not ~ there are just times when I still really do like to have the carbonation.
    And I don't feel depressed.  Sure, I have days that I feel worse than others - like when the sun does not come out at all.  But in general ... I feel pretty good.  And note:  I am saying that in FEBRUARY.  
    So what has changed since I thought I "needed" Diet Mt. Dew to get through my days and function like a normal person?  
    ...Well, a lot has changed.  It isn't JUST coming back to Whole 30.  But I think coming back to Whole 30 was the impetus for a lot of other really good things.  And I think I knew that deep down for quite awhile, before I returned.
  22. Like
    Emma got a reaction from BabyBear in Very hungry mommy 1st Time whole 30 Jan 2020   
    Twenty pounds is A LOT to have released from your body. I also love that release word because it's more accurate than lost. Five pounds is a LOT, but I am usually just as quick to belittle that until I see images of what it looks like.
    Your weekend sounds wonderful and your husband sounds wonderful as well. Glad you got to spend some good time together (and for you to feel more comfortable - sighing - isn't it sad that so many of us can probably relate!!)
  23. Like
    Emma reacted to BabyBear in Very hungry mommy 1st Time whole 30 Jan 2020   
    RI Day 10 - compliant 
    9:45 awake up and taking it slow this morning.
    10:15 exercise: 30 min BB Prenatal yoga
    I considered picking another routine, but I decided I wanted the ease of the familiarity.  I looked at my log for the past 10 days and my average heart beat during my work out has gradually dropped from 105 to 90.  I feel a lot of improvement in my form, flexibility, and strength.  I am very encouraged to already see improvement in these areas.  
    12:00 M1 - LO sweet and sour chicken with broccoli
    Ugh sometimes my brain frustrates me.  I caught myself down playing my success so far in this whole 30/food freedom journey.  I was belittling the 20lbs I’ve lost because it feels like a drop in the bucket compared to what I have left.  I rebuked myself and the negative thoughts.  Then I decided to carry around my 2 10lb dumbbells for a little while as I did things around the house.  Those things got heavy quick and when I set them down I felt free and so much lighter.  20lbs is a lot of weight to have released from my body.  Working moment by moment to change my mindset and learn to live in food freedom.
    6:00 M2: lemon pepper grilled chicken, steamed veggies, side salad with olive oil and lemons
    We went out to a favorite spot tonight, it’s a mom and pop sports bar and grill and it’s quiet tonight with no big games on.  We enjoyed our dinner out.  
    NSVs - I’ve  gone down another belt hole! That’s the last hole on my new belt.  How crazy is that!  I put on a shirt that my hubby bought me a while back but it was a ladies T and way to form fitting so I never wore it.  I wore it tonight!  I walked around the house this weekend on our staycation in my birthday suite.  Ha we both did, it was great.  Here’s the thing I wouldn’t have done that back in December.  I would have wore a big t shirt, but I’m now feeling comfortable enough in my own skin to bare all in front of the hubby with nothing to hide behind.  I think something as simple as being comfortable in nothing around hubby made our weekend that much more enjoyable and intimate.  
    I have so enjoyed our anniversary weekend.  Even though we didn’t get to go out of town due to weather it was still wonderful and my hubby was fantastic to keep things all about us.   Oh and I’m pretty sure I squealed like a little girl when he said he noticed there were some appliance things on the Amazon list and wanted to know which one I wanted because he wanted to get it for me… the appliances he was referring to were the air friers I was researching.  He got me the one I really really liked but was a little more expensive than all the others.  But not only does it air fry, broil, and bake, it also is a toaster oven, dehydrator, and rotisserie with a 12qt capacity!  I was in happy tears.  It should be here Wednesday and I’ve been busy dreaming of recipes to try in it.  He seems to enjoy spoiling me.  He is good for me in that he helps me be okay and sometimes forces me to spend money here and there rather than making due with what I have.  I guess it takes both to make the relationship work… he is a spender and I am definitely the saver.  So we are good for each other in that aspect.  
    Our last night before we head back to the real world.  We have a busy week and he will be traveling this week and then next so I’m really glad we made the time for just us this weekend.  It was a much needed break from reality, not to mention how much our relationship benefited from our weekend together.    
  24. Like
    Emma reacted to Brewer5 in Like an Onion   
    Day 6 coming to a close ...
    Man, I had "a moment" again this afternoon.  Craving that damn Lindt bar in the cabinet.  It isn't even that good!  I bought those when we could not find Sno-caps ANYWHERE on movie night.  The caramel inside had a very artificial taste.  I know this.  Yet ~ still, it screams to me.  Ridiculous.
    I did have my husband bring me an RX bar from the store ... chocolate sea salt ... and that took care of it.  
    I'm going to just go throw the Lindt bar in the trash right now.  It cost like $1.  It's not worth the temptation.
    Today was good & productive.  We are finally going to do a cash-out refinance on our house and do some much-needed home improvements.  So I spent a lot of time moving furniture, etc.  I love that.  I love being active!  Winter just doesn't offer as much opportunity.  So I'm glad we are starting some inside projects.
  25. Like
    Emma reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Yes yes yes!  I knew this before my story was turned inside out, and it was anchoring point for me.  Knowing the very core things that I would never compromise is what helped me climb out of that pit.  One of those was I would homeschool my children, which led me down one of the craziest adventures as a single mom.  They told me it couldn’t be done but where there’s a will there’s a way.  I also knew my number that I had to be offered in my field to work outside of the home.  I’m glad I did because I had a lot of tempting offers, but knowing my number and my reasonings behind that number made it easy to turn down those offers.  You don’t know what life will throw at you but you can truly know yourself and what you want out of life and then throw everything you’ve got at that.
    ah good stuff for a young person to internalize now before the distractions get louder than their own thoughts.