Brewer5

We are all like onions. There are many layers of complexity that go together and make us appear as a Whole person. When you look at an onion in the grocery store ... if it clearly has a spot that is soft or discolored, what do you do? You put it back down, and you move on to an onion that looks perfect on the outside. You may unwittingly choose an onion that has blemishes hiding under that papery outer skin ... but in that moment, you make the best decision you can, and you move on with your day. Because you're tired of the bright lights, the screaming children, and that old lady who keeps bumping into you with her cart ... and because, honestly ~ who thinks this much about onions? I do.

Day 14: 8/9/20 -- I just don't have much to say at this point. Whole 30 works, it just makes sense, and it's not anything new to me. I feel a lot better and I can't really believe where I was a couple of weeks ago. I've reduced my stress considerably by not signing up for any nursing shifts for over a week now. That helps!

Day 13: 8/8/20 – Enjoying being sober. How about that?

Day 12: 8/7/20 – Today was a better day. Finally resolving some of the emotions I have had to work through pretty much on my own all week. Things are looking up again, and I am so happy to be able to say that.

Day 11: 8/6/20 – Compliant. Not amazing ... but productive.

Thanks @Semi ~ I meant to say that above ^ but it deserves its own post anyway. 4+ years is a big, huge deal. I appreciate you sharing your experience, and I definitely appreciate the encouragement. There has only been one other period of my life where I drank on a nightly basis. I didn't really consider it a problem at the time, and even looking back - I don't see that it caused any big problems. But clearly it's not ideal. This stretch lately was worrisome. I don't want to go back there.

Day 10: 8/5/20 -- The news I speak of (which I cannot yet bring myself to speak of here) is weighing heavy on my heart tonight. I've stayed strong for other people, and I've held back the tears because I don't want to discuss it with MIL. Man, it's weird having someone else living in your home ... We get along fine, but this is deep and personal. Very, very little is "mine" anymore. So, I'm finally sitting outside, alone, late at night, and having a good cry. The dogs don't mind. And they don't ask me any questions. Tomorrow is a new day ~ and I'm looking forward to it.

Day 8 yesterday: 8/3/20 Day 9 today: 8/4/20 -- The urge was more strong than ever tonight, to throw this out the window and go buy some wine. But I did not. I'm eating compliant food & going to bed sober. Sober isn't always a comfortable place to be ... but neither is hungover. I've got stuff to do. Stuff that matters.

Day 7 yesterday: 8/2/20 -- I don't have anything to say about yesterday. It was compliant & fine. Today I found out some news that I might want to bury in a bottle of wine tonight. But guess what? That news will still be there tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Forever. So I won't.

Day 6 yesterday: 8/1/20 -- This is going okay. Cravings for dumb stuff are definitely tied to stress and/or going too long without eating enough protein. That's not a shocking new revelation. Last night after I plowed through a 9-hour shift, I came home and ate, and realized how overstimulated I felt. That's the time when I'd be reaching for alcohol to just sort of mute the world around me and the swirling thoughts from work and life in general. But - I didn't. I just told myself it was time to close my eyes and go to sleep. Today is a new day, and I don't have to work. Focusing on self-care and getting some things done around the house, I suppose. The first episode in a new season of Umbrella Academy finally came out on Netflix, and my youngest has been patiently waiting until our schedules line up so we can watch it together. It's a rainy day ~ so, pretty sure I can make time for that. @Amy_Michigan ~ one thing is for sure: that was a clear sign from your body! That sounds rough. I hope you feel better today.

Day 5: 7/31/20 Let me clarify: I am now being more productive.

Day 4 was yesterday - 7/30/20 -- @KelseyClaire ~ thanks for stopping in! Keeping a journal has always been a powerful tool for me, and I logged the food because I wanted to. These days - I'm just too damned busy.

Day 3: 7/29/20 -- This might end up being the most boring W30 log I've had yet. I'm just not messing with logging my food - it doesn't matter. What matters is that I've had another compliant day, and I intend for it to remain so. @MadyVanilla ~ I wish the same for you!

Day 2: 7/28/20 -- Worked a nursing shift today, and just not much time for logging my food like I used to. Deep thoughts might come another day, too. My food has all been compliant ~ this really hasn't been hard (and shouldn't be for me, anyway). I think the tough moments will be when I really want a diet dew or alcohol. Neither of those has hit me just yet. @Amy_Michigan ~ thanks so much ~ good to hear from you!

Day 1: 7/27/20 — Starting weight: 120.4 Not necessarily trying to lose weight - just recording it here for future reference. — I overdid it with the alcohol last night. Woke up this morning with a headache, low blood sugar feeling, and three trips to the bathroom. I started to journal more about that, but later decided to delete it. The main point is that I just want to feel good again. — I wasn’t able to sit down at the computer and keep great track of meals and times today - but I did keep the food compliant, and NO alcohol. I haven't veered terribly far off course in the food department, so finding things to eat here at home was not a problem. — Just got done placing another Walmart grocery delivery order. MAN, that has been a nice service to have - especially now that masks are mandatory in all public places in our state. Honestly, who wants to go to the store? I sure don't. Overall, a good day.

If you would have told me a couple on months ago that I would be sitting here ready to write this post - I don't think I would have believed it. But here goes: Alcohol has played a big part in my life since MIL came to live with us. It started by buying some of those little cans of hard seltzer - low-carb sparkling water with alcohol - on our trip to go get her. My husband and I went on that trip alone - and it just seemed like a relaxing "vacation" thing to do at the time. That one moment set in motion an addiction - and I have had alcohol almost every evening since. I figured out that the lower-carb white wines like pinot grigio are also super low-histamine, compared to reds - and I can "get away" with drinking that mixed with sparkling water, and not have it wreck my next day. But is my next day ideal? Am I feeling my best? Of course not. I'm not beating myself up for using this crutch to help get through this huge adjustment. I'm not one to feel shame when it comes to my choices. But I am ready to stop the cycle. This is my life now - things are settling in to our new normal - and I do need to figure out how to manage my stress in other, more productive ways. 30 days of sobriety is in order, for sure. Whole 30 is my ultimate reset. My higher self knows this, and has guided me back here this morning. So here goes.

Food yesterday (what would have been Day 4) was all compliant - but some other part of my mind took over, and I drank a diet soda on my nursing shift last night. It was a choice ... it was my choice in that moment. Was it worth it? Probably not. I don't know. I have talked here before about the antidepressant effect of phenylalanine for me. It's like rocket fuel to blast through a shift - and, good Lord, last night we had a million things going on in the building. Everyone wondered if it was a full moon. (It wasn't!) I was up too late, and woke up feeling hungover. Still - the goal is to be my best self - that hasn't changed, just because I decided to have a diet soda. But I really need to work on my food choices. I keep saying (and keep saying!) that I'm going to sit down and figure out the best low-FODMAP and low-histamine diet for me. But I have yet to carve out the time. Whole 30 gives me a good starting point - but it isn't enough to calm my swollen and angry gut. Yesterday, things were not happy at all - and I had to take an Imodium just to get to work - and I'm sure that's part of what led to my "screw it" attitude when I got near the vending machine at work.

Day 3: 6/23/20 — 11:15 am: (2) HB eggs I will possibly never eat eggs again. This is the only thing I’ve had to eat today - and MAN, they sent my gut all a-rumbling. I was fine before ~ now I’m not ~ doesn’t seem like rocket science to me. I have always questioned eggs, but couldn’t pinpoint for sure. Maybe it’s just HB eggs. I don’t know. — 1:30 pm: can of tuna, tri-color Cole slaw veggies, avocado ranch — 4:45 pm: cocoa almond butter Yes, I made some again. My gut has NOT rebelled yet, so … — 7:30 pm: chicken breasts, avocado ranch, steak fries in air fryer — 8:45 pm: cocoa almond butter — Man, I wish I had some hard seltzer right about now. Yikes.

Day 2: 6/22/20 — 7:30 am: 1/2 banana — 10:00 am: homemade cocoa almond butter — SO happy to be back at work, at my non-stressful job, in the office again. We had not been together in the office since early March, d/t this coronavirus mess. I spent one day in the office last week. It’s so nice to be able to focus on work & just work. Working from home is NOT all it’s cracked up to be! Not for me, anyway. — 12:30 pm: W30 frozen meal — 2:15 pm: homemade cocoa almond butter (again) — Having so - SO much trouble staying awake, sitting at my desk at work. It’s BAD. And there doesn’t seem to be enough coffee in the world to cure it. — 5:30 pm: steak fries cooked in air fryer w/ coconut oil & salt — 9:00 pm: finished that batch of almond butter (and probably shouldn’t make any more for awhile - I am just waiting for my gut to have its revenge!), tri-color cole slaw veggies w/ avocado ranch — This day was short on protein, but I’m okay with that. I’m well aware of the meal template - but it works out best for me not to stress about it. Each W30 is unique. Compliant food is good enough for me, for now.

@MadyVanilla ~ yep, you've got it. Exactly. It takes me just a few days for those ridiculous urges to go away - and then it's pretty smooth sailing. And I feel so much better, I think I will stick with this forever and be perfectly happy!

@ShadowInTheKitchen ~ thanks for being here. I'm not sure that I'm the best person to give you a picture of what life will be like post-W30. I think some people manage to keep good habits really well, some people go off the rails on the crazy train ... and I fall somewhere in the middle of that. To be honest, my eating has not been that bad - and I have questioned (definitely last night, and also this morning as I type this) whether I really need to "do" another round. But the alcohol had crept back in, every night for the past several - and that is a problem for me. I've also noticed a mental fog settling in that I simply can't afford. I have a lot of people depending on me - both at home, and at work - and I need to be the best I can be. There has not been A Decision in my mind to throw out my W30 guidelines - but it has happened, nonetheless. One recent day of nursing, I went in the break room at work 3 different times and crammed down a combo of one GF Girl Scout cookie + a spoon of cheap crappy peanut butter. I've also been buying diet mt. dew from the vending machine to "power through". I know that I would have been better off going through the whole shift not eating at all - but those things are there, and they are free and available to me, and I have no hard-set rules ... so, in my mouth they went. Stress is a factor - too big for me right now. W30 eliminates the option of just being like "whatever" when it comes to food. I think I may continue to go through these cycles. Whether that is the norm for others or not, I cannot say.

Day 1: 6/21/20 — Starting weight: 124.8 — 9:30 am: (2) eggs w/ ghee & coconut oil Would have cooked more, but that’s all we had in the house. Clearly there is some shopping to do. — 2:15 pm: bowl of homemade almond butter mix: raw almonds, MCT oil, 100% cocoa powder, salt I’ve made my own almond butter in the food processor, and have been eating this concoction, but with some maple honey added. I finished the maple honey yesterday ~ how convenient. It tastes just fine to me without it. — 9:15 pm: (2) chicken breasts cooked up w/ ghee & a can of diced tomatoes and green chilies — Might look like a weird eating day - but it feels like a major accomplishment. I fought past a major urge to drink alcohol while I was fixing my supper. Too many things going on at once + probably a day of underrating overall. That desire to drink went away after eating. Only downside to my supper was the big histamine hit - tomatoes are bad, and I think canned ones are even worse. My eyes started watering like crazy, so I took an allergy pill. I’m over it. Histamine is almost impossible to avoid, so sometimes I may just have to medicate. — REALLY looking forward to going in to the office tomorrow. I love my MIL dearly, but we will benefit from some time apart. This living situation is not what either of us would have chosen for ourselves … so we both just have to make the best of it. Had groceries delivered from Walmart for the first time tonight - oh my word, I'm sold. I don't enjoy grocery shopping in the least, and I really hate going to Walmart. Whole 30 food & frozen meals delivered right to my door? Umm, yes please!

Ha ~ it's just been a little over 5 weeks. Last time I made it through 31 compliant days - so my goal this time is 32. That would be through July 22. We are possibly making another trip across the country on July 23. So that's perfect.

Thanks @Blueautumn for your continued support. It's been a couple of months now, since I completed my last W30. I think. I'm not even 100% sure, so I need to go back and look - and that is a big indication of how much has been going on, and how my mental clarity has dissipated. Today is the day. I need to regain that fire and energy that told me I could take all of this on to begin with. Each day my life feels like a dream ... like I am floating along, being pulled this way and that by outside forces. People, dogs, work, all of the daily things that keep a household running ... man, I'm juggling a lot right now - and I need to be my best for it. Just typing this, I have that little voice in the back of my head saying, "Are you REALLY going to do this right now, or are you going to reach a point later today where you no longer care, and then just look stupid for announcing it?" ...I have been there, done that. No. For real. Let's do this.

@Blueautumn ~ I should start again with you tomorrow, and we can have a contest to see who can make it the longest. Lol. I typed up a big long "Day 1" post yesterday ... then changed my mind later in the day, and: delete, delete, delete. It's ridiculous. But there is so much to be learned on this journey. I am super impressed, not only that you made it to 25 days on your first try - but that you are determined to get back in the saddle and keep on riding. That's really cool. Congrats!