Brewer5

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  1. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to meli22 in Meli's log   
    Yay! All done! So, making a comparison to how I felt when I started the program, here's what I've noticed:
    The psoriasis on my hands is completely gone. The psoriasis on my back and neck is still there, haven't noticed much of a difference.  Digestive issues are gone. Energy is now consistent and HIGH - I no longer get those 3pm slumps. I definitely got the so-called "tiger blood". Incredibly (and this is the biggest NSV) I have not felt the desire to binge or do much emotional eating despite all of this insanity. Twice I think I ate a slightly larger dinner out of a need for comfort, but that was it. The fact that I was laid off from my job and was able to stick to the protocol was HUGE. Also, the cravings for sugar and starch that have plagued me have totally disappeared.  Sticking to 3 meals a day has really helped me tune in to hunger cues. My panic response to feeling hungry has improved dramatically. I feel like I'm emotionally healing from years of dieting. I'm still figuring out how to stop when I'm full, but I've become a bit more conscientious around this.  My relationship to coffee hasn't changed. Ah well! I think amidst so much change I needed to hang on to one comforting thing. I can tackle this at a later date I've lost a total of 4" and can now fit easily into pants that were too tight a month ago.  I feel fantastic! 
    I think my habit of eating fermented foods (sauerkraut) every day was key to aiding those digestive issues and I'm going to keep this up. 
    I'm really surprised to find that I don't miss eating fruit at all. I just don't crave the sweetness. I don't miss nuts either, and that was something I used to eat almost every day (would always snack on almonds or walnuts). I also haven't been craving bread, noodles, or pretzels - which are things I would typically binge on. 
    I'll be continuing with a post-whole30 log, as I find keeping a structured eating plan very helpful during this stressful time. My goal is to incorporate lentils and beans into my diet while still in self-isolation. Once this period lifts and we're able to socialize again, I plan on having a beer! A lot of my friends are amazing cooks and when we're able to hang out again, I plan on eating with them no matter what it is, but sticking more or less to whole30 on my own. Once I'm able to return to the gym and increase my activity levels I plan on re-introducing a bit of fruit into my diet. We'll play it by ear. 
  2. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Very Hungry Mommy W30 Round 2   
    Day 1 survived!
    Today has been good.  Not easy, but good.  It felt good to practice mindfulness as I fed my children and made chocolate no bake cookies for hubby.  It felt good not to feed the cravings.   I had a wonderful time of prayer with a group of friends from church over zoom.  
    Water I only got 51oz in but it’s better than I had been.  I struggled the first half of the day as  my thirst detector had been turned off from drinking soda and not enough water.  In the evening after the second tumbler of water for the day my thirst kicked in and I drank two more tumblers of water in the evening.  I nursed a headache most of the afternoon until bed.  I expected this as I was coming off of caffeine.  It feels good to have a sense of control back.
     
  3. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Amy's Log for 2020   
    @Amy_Michigan  I’m so glad you are feeling better.  I agree with @Brewer5 that any day or meal for that matter that we can make complaint is worthy of a celebration.  I like the advice in the Food Freedom book.  When you feel out of control don’t focus on doing a whole 30 just ask yourself how can I make this next meal compliant.  Don’t worry about the one after or the next few days after. Just the next bite that goes in your.  Make that bite compliant.  If we can do this enough times we will find ourselves several days into a whole 30 and feeling more in control than we do now.  We can do this 1 bite at a time!
  4. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    @BabyBear ~ I am so sorry for so many things in that post.
    I haven't managed another compliant day yet.  I'll do it tomorrow.   
  5. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    1 DAY of compliant food today ~ black coffee, sparkling water, and:
    GV frozen butter chicken meal, homemade "steak fries" in the air fryer w/ unsweetened ketchup
    (4) small chicken breasts w/ buffalo ranch, an apple
    tiny can of V8
    ---
    What a crazy time to try to eat W30.    Thankfully I already have several things in my house that are ok to eat, but ... this is interesting. Not like I have a stockpile of frozen meals ~ that would have been a pretty smart thing to do.  But I stopped buying mass quantities of them when I sadly had to admit that they weren't doing fantastic things for my IBS.
    Hey, I'm happy to have one day done & already feel much more clear-headed.  So much in life is a day at a time now.  I'll take it.
  6. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    So, I've gone back and looked ... and I've had 28 days that were not W30 compliant.  4 weeks of my life ~ gone.
    I can't think of any food I've had that was "worth" how I'm feeling right now:
    fat depressed fatigued angry disorganized ugly embarrassed  The great news is:  I know how to turn this around - and quickly.
    Monday seems like a good day to start journaling again.  These past weeks, with everything going on in the world ... our lives completely changed ~ and in some ways, probably forever ... I have numbed myself to all of it with foods that wreak havoc on my body and mind.  That time has passed for me.  I am better than this, and I deserve better than this.
    Tomorrow is a new day.  I'll be getting back to work (at home) after having over a week off for "spring break".  My husband returns to work tomorrow, as well.  The kids are still home, and don't start their e-learning plan for another week - but I have to get back to some sense of normalcy around here.  Our new normal, I guess.  It does not include diet Dr. Pepper (!) (WTF!)  or corn chips, or candy bars.
    I hope anyone out there reading is doing okay ... doing well.  This is certainly not the time to sit around and eat junk.  If you, too, need a reset - let's do it together.
  7. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Amy's Log for 2020   
    @Amy_Michigan ~ I 100% have thought of you and your lupus every time I've seen the drug discussion.  My first thought was actually: "Oh, man, I hope Amy has a good supply..."
    Please do continue to check in and post.  It seems the 3 of us who were regularly posting on my onion thread have all been through a roller coaster of emotional eating this past month or so.  Just when we should be taking the very BEST care of ourselves - we fall apart and give in to "whatever".  I'm all for celebrating even one compliant day at a time right now.  Seriously.
    I'm so glad to hear from you.  Hugs!  {6-feet-apart - socially-distanced air-hugs, of course!}.   
  8. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Amy's Log for 2020   
    @Amy_Michigan ~ I 100% have thought of you and your lupus every time I've seen the drug discussion.  My first thought was actually: "Oh, man, I hope Amy has a good supply..."
    Please do continue to check in and post.  It seems the 3 of us who were regularly posting on my onion thread have all been through a roller coaster of emotional eating this past month or so.  Just when we should be taking the very BEST care of ourselves - we fall apart and give in to "whatever".  I'm all for celebrating even one compliant day at a time right now.  Seriously.
    I'm so glad to hear from you.  Hugs!  {6-feet-apart - socially-distanced air-hugs, of course!}.   
  9. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    @BabyBear ~ I am so sorry for so many things in that post.
    I haven't managed another compliant day yet.  I'll do it tomorrow.   
  10. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to Amy_Michigan in Amy's Log for 2020   
    @Brewer5 I'm alive- thank you for asking me to check in.  I have occasional coughing but I'm feeling 90% back to normal.  My family is also doing well.  I'm able to work from home for the new job I was hired for (whew), but I'm not extremely busy.  I think things will improve in time.  Construction projects are a little up in the air right now, even though public works was considered "essential".  I work at a civil engineering consulting firm and everyone in my office has set up their computers at home and continued working.  My husband, I may have mentioned, is a stay at home dad who works from home part time as an online test-prep instructor.  So we've been okay; he is homeschooling the kids.  
    I am going to start a new journal on this site somewhere to help me through April.  Not sure what it will be under- food freedom maybe.  All I know is that I've been eating like crap the last 2 weeks because of the temptations from being at home all day.  And for some reason when I was loading up the grocery cart a couple weeks ago for my family, I happened to grab all my old favorite snack foods/comfort foods... wheat thins, cheese-its, graham crackers, oreos, and LOTS of granola bars that look like candy bars.  So that wasn't very smart.  I've been noticing a few health related consequences of eating junk- some lupus related skin issues.  I have noticed a few red bumps inflamed on my arms, and I got this weird under-the-skin blood spot on the crook of my left elbow.  That was weird enough that I messaged my rhematologist.  She didn't think it was an emergency, but I will also let my primary care/internal medicine doctor know too, just in case.  I noticed it yesterday and it already seems to be fading a little bit today, like a bruise would.
    So I'm putting my health in jeopardy when it is NOT a great time to do that.  On the plus side, after 45's tweet about my lupus medication being a possible miracle drug (which is NOT proven), I was able to pick up a 3 month supply...Thank God- I thought my pharmacy would have been cleaned out like how stores were with toilet paper.  So at least I don't have to worry about that for a little while!
    Oh- and I have been praying every day for this pandemic to end.  I live outside of Detroit, but not far.  Looks like Detroit may be following in NYC's footsteps, at least in terms of the steep incline of cases.  There are about 600 cases in my county right now.  I'm trying not to let anxiety get to me.
  11. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Very Hungry Mommy W30 Round 2   
    Whole 30 Round 2 Day 1
    It felt good to write that out!
    Weight: 187.6   (+10.2/-19.6)
    Chest:  38.5”  (-.5”-/-3.25”)
    Waist:  43” (+4.5”/-3.5”)
    Hips:  45” (+1.25”/-6.75”)
    Right thigh: 27.5”  (+.75”/-1”)
    Right calf: 16” (+.5”/-.0”)
    Right bicep: 12.5”  (-0”/-1.5”)
    It did not feel so great to write that out.  
    March was a hard year! I was doing okay with my food freedom up until just after my birthday when the world shut down. Literally our country started shutting down.  The big skate event that generates a large portion of our income for the year was canceled due to a new virus circulating through the world.  Peoples fears are through the roof, and they asking begging demanding the government to remove our constitutional rights!  It’s mind blowing to say the least and crippling financially.  My income from the work I do is supplemental at best and now it is quickly becoming the main source.  So as the world is shutting down around us I get a call that my grandmothers health had taken a fast quick turn for the worse. She had been slowly fading but this was a quick and fast change.  My parents had already plan to fly up the following week, but there were whispers of flights being grounded.  So with the skate event canceled I gathered up the children and we loaded into the RV with my parents and headed 1,000 miles north (22 hours of driving) to NH.   Just preparing for the trip caused me so much anxiety.  My aunt and uncle assured me the kids would be a welcomed joy.  The packing was hard because I normally fall back on the old adage if I forget it Walmart will have it. Only Walmart May not have it currently.  I had to gather all the food my 11DS with severe food allergies would need.  Plus ensure I had enough almond milk for the baby.  It was chaotic and taxing at best.  Plus there was the knowing and anticipation of the tension that is felt in my grandmothers house. There has always been a lot of bickering and ungratefulness in that household.  It wears on you and affects you.  I did not grow up in a household like that.  My mom did a great job of purposefully creating a non yelling/screaming environment where she taught us to work together rather than against one another and to do everything with a happy grateful heart.  She did such a great job at this that even at a very young age I recognized the difference in our family and the rest of my moms family.  We loved them and loved visiting them but my brother and I always objected spending Christmas Day up in NH with my moms family because we enjoyed our beautiful peaceful happy Christmas at home with no fighting or yelling.  My mom wanted to be called Grammy like her mom and I told her I’d rather her not because she was so much better than a Grammy in my mind… funny thing my oldest couldn’t say Grammy it came out as Yani and stuck.  Another issue of strife at my grandmothers is always food.  They eat sweets and more sweets for meals with some sweets for dessert.  If it’s not sweets then it is mountains of fried seafood, or hot dogs or pizza.  Not a vegetable in sight.  It’s unreal!  And to change the norm is asking for a fight.  I love my family and I enjoy a short visit with them, but this trip did not have a timeline.  We were told by hospice that she may have  a week to two weeks, but her body was definitely giving out.  So I had no idea how long I would be up there.  Going up to visit under all these circumstances was beginning to cause me to shut down.  So much anxiety about it all.  Normally a week long trip of this nature especially for the food issues would take me a week to get ready for.  I had two days to get ready.  I had just bought a weeks worth of groceries so I packed what I could take and prepared the rest for storage.  I frantically did laundry for baby and boys and me.  My sweet hubby is the one that suggested I go in the first place but when he saw the stress it was putting me under he offered to be my escape goat.  He didn’t like the open ended trip not knowing when we would return.  But he said all the right things to help me know what I should do.  I did decide to go.  My folks had wanted to leave at 9am on a Saturday, I didn’t get there until noon.  So I was given some grief about that.  I just told them I did my best with what I had to work with.  Taking all of this into consideration I decided not to stress about food to just go with the flow, but in making that decision I turned off my brain and that was bad. So very very bad.  
    On the way through PA we blew a tire.  That was super stressful as it was and in the middle of trying to find help to change the tire we received a call from Uncle about my grandmother. It was not good.  A stroke maybe. They weren’t sure but had a hospice nurse on her way.  She passed out in the bathroom and they had to call neighbors to help get her back into her bed, because they couldn’t get her to come to.  They called back after the hospice nurse arrived and checked her.  It was not a stroke, rather her body was shutting down from the outside in, which means death will soon follow as this is the way with a natural cause.  I knew this from watching my Nana B and Nana leave this world.  The nurse said she would leave her on the oxygen until we arrived but we needed to hurry.  In the meantime we are on the side of a highway with a flat tire, and AAA saying the upgrade my dad did with them when he got the RV last year did not cover RVs.  So we limped two miles down the shoulder to an exit.  Thank God they had a truck stop tire shop.  And everything was closed due to the dumb virus.  The gas attendant knew the tire shop owner and got a hold of him. He was sick but his brother offered to come help.  When we finally arrived at my Grammy’s house my uncle met us at the door as they had another episode with Grammy…. My mom rushed in to help.  I took the boys out to play in the yard and chase chickens.  After about 45 min we were told we could come in.  The house stunk due to the bowel episode that my mom rushed in to help with.  We went in to see my Grammy and she smiled.  She tried to raise her arms motioning she wanted to hold the squirmy wiggly toddler.  I sat him next to her and we sang some songs for her.  The older boys came in and told her about their latest projects with school.  My 13DS told her about the short story he’s writing on snails, and she tried pointing to the bookshelf.  There was my grandfathers gardening book huge and thick. My grandfather had passed away three years ago in this very room.  My mom picked it up and sure enough there was a large section on snails.  My son devoured it as he does with books.  We showed her videos and pictures of the boys doing archery and playing in the yard.  I sat and stroked her hair and told her of life in the country and how wonderful my hubby was to all of us and how I loved her.  The natives were getting hungry.  I offered to make dinner so my mom could sit with her mom.  I kissed Grammys cheek and went to make supper.  The baby was running in and out of her room playing peek a boo and she kept opening one eye to watch him.  My mom was singing old hymns and then picked up my Grammys book on heaven and began to read a chapter about what it would be like to meet Jesus face to face.  My Grammy smiled looked at the baby playing peek a boo and released her last breath.  My uncle and aunt who have lived with my grandparents caring for them for the past 30 years had stepped out to go pick up some things from the store and my dad had gone with them.  When they came home, is when I was made aware Grammy was gone.  I had just finished dinner when they arrived home and mom stepped out into the hallway with tears.  We all knew.  We made it up there and had a few hours with her before she left us. My grandmother had 9 children.  Sadly some of them are very selfish people, and it didn’t take long for them to show their ugliness.  The next morning my uncle got a call from the lawyer saying one of the sisters was there asking for the will, she was not an executor.  My grandparents didn’t have much beyond their house and small acreage.  All of which my uncle had been caring for and was his home for the past 30 years.  My grandparents left the home and land and all that was in the home to him.  They had already dispersed the items they wanted others to have.  Despite this some of the siblings swept in like vultures.  The next day three came with a truck and trailer to the house with a long shopping list.  A week or two before my grandmothers death she had dreamed that vultures were attacking her trying to pick her bones and the vultures wore the names of these children.  It was disturbing and heart breaking at best to see them sitting on her bed where she had died not even 36 hours ago, yet they hadn’t come to visit or care for their mom, whom they lived minutes from them, for close to a year or more.  The funeral was a few days after.  We were told we couldn’t have a visitation for the family because the family was too large (no gatherings of 10 or more). We were allowed to have a graveside service but had to have people spread out and no physical contact.  It made it even harder and awkward.  The bitter ones were able to hide behind the government mandates of distance.  It was awful! It was not what my grandmother deserved.  Many of the family couldn’t make it due to travel restrictions so I did a live video on our family page so that they could “be” with us.    Through all of this I stressed grazed.  I drank sodas, ate cookies, maple round donuts, giant raspberry cream turnovers, I ate and ate and ate.  So much junk.  The only meals that actually had any vegetables with them are the few meals I had brought and prepared.  So when we finally returned home I decided I am in desperate need to do a round 2.  I have a lot of things I need to detox from and I’m hiding from my thoughts and emotions  by grazing on junk.  It stops today.  I made it through an extremely difficult time, and now it is time to heal and reset my life to one that serves me and not my pain.  
    Today I start with a fast.  I did not practice my fast the past two Sundays and I need this mentally and spiritually.  I need the reminder that I can deny myself the desires that do not serve me well.  I need the distraction that food provides to come to a halt so that I can focus in on healing, and allow myself to feel all the things as I commune with Jehovah-Rapha the God who heals.  
    Exercise and water this round will be high priorities!  I find when I’m doing these two things it makes me want to eat in a manner that benefits my body.  
    Today is a new day. Today my journey continues. There is no shame or guilt for the past, only the victory and glory that awaits in the future.
  12. Sad
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    @Brewer5  girl you weren’t the only one.   After my birthday life threw some pretty hard fast balls my way and I’m pretty sure I struck out so hard.  Good news is I have another at bat and I’m ready.  The world came to a crashing halt, I lost my grandmother just a few hours after arriving at her home for a visit (22 hour drive).  Not being able to have a proper funeral, watching some of her children descend upon her remaining affects like vultures before her body was even laid to rest.  The events that provide the majority of our household income for the year canceling as far out as May and maybe more to come.  So much crazy!  I coped by eating all the things and hiding from all the roaring emotions.  So I’m back home now and Day 1 Reset starts today.  We can do this together!
  13. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Amy's Log for 2020   
    @Amy_Michigan ~ please check in when you can.  
    Reading through your recent posts reminded me, I was sick for about 2 weeks of March, also.  I'm finally over it, I guess ... I still have a feeling of fluid in one ear especially, sometimes both.  That is a symptom that comes and goes even when I'm not sick, and is dependent on what I am eating.  Anyway - I'd like to know how your family is doing, if you have a few minutes to post.  Take care.
  14. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    So, I've gone back and looked ... and I've had 28 days that were not W30 compliant.  4 weeks of my life ~ gone.
    I can't think of any food I've had that was "worth" how I'm feeling right now:
    fat depressed fatigued angry disorganized ugly embarrassed  The great news is:  I know how to turn this around - and quickly.
    Monday seems like a good day to start journaling again.  These past weeks, with everything going on in the world ... our lives completely changed ~ and in some ways, probably forever ... I have numbed myself to all of it with foods that wreak havoc on my body and mind.  That time has passed for me.  I am better than this, and I deserve better than this.
    Tomorrow is a new day.  I'll be getting back to work (at home) after having over a week off for "spring break".  My husband returns to work tomorrow, as well.  The kids are still home, and don't start their e-learning plan for another week - but I have to get back to some sense of normalcy around here.  Our new normal, I guess.  It does not include diet Dr. Pepper (!) (WTF!)  or corn chips, or candy bars.
    I hope anyone out there reading is doing okay ... doing well.  This is certainly not the time to sit around and eat junk.  If you, too, need a reset - let's do it together.
  15. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to meli22 in Meli's log   
    Day 26
    B - coffee w/ nut milk; carrot-coconut soup; cold roast chicken; sauerkraut L - zucchini noodles w/ cold roast chicken, compliant tomato sauce, Moroccan olives & 1 hardboiled egg; sauerkraut; squash soup afternoon coffee w/ nut milk D - vegetable soup w/ chicken; zucchini noodles w/ tomato sauce, roasted eggplant, parsley, scallions & Moroccan olives; cucumber  
    Time is flying! Can't believe it's been almost 30 days. The last week has been very stressful, with everything that's been going on in the world as well as major life changes, but I'm proud of sticking to the plan regardless. Despite not sleeping well, my energy has been good. I've had no desire to do any emotional eating, which is amazing given it's such a deeply-ingrained stress response for me.
    I also find that when I stick to 3 meals a day I get to anticipate my next meal, and it becomes more of a pleasurable event. I prefer this to grazing. For a long time the thought of limiting myself to 3 meals a day triggered a fear/scarcity response in me which would lead me to binge. Now I've learned that if I reassure myself that I can always eat more, I relax, and this has been so helpful in regaining my hunger / fullness cues. Having gone on my first diet at age 8 I'd been dieting, or in a binge/restrict cycle, for 30 years. This is the first time I feel like I'm eating in a more balanced, healthy way. I'm still restricting foods but I'm not restricting portion sizes and this is at least a step forward for me.
    Another change I'm noticing is that my desire to lose weight has sort of fallen away. I will not be stepping on a scale at the end of my whole30. The number on the scale is irrelevant because I feel so much better. Not to mention that it's a number that tends to fluctuate a lot anyways and that's normal and healthy. That leads me to ask myself what is more important: being as thin as I can possibly be or feeling healthy? About 8 years ago I was able to reach my desired weight through intense food restriction and exercise and, looking back on it, not only was I unhappy at that time but I was also depleting my body of nourishment, which set me up for some health issues down the road. I'm finally starting to feel better now, almost a decade later. A definite NSV.
    Should also note: the only things I'm really excited to re-introduce are BEANS and LENTILS! I can't wait to eat beans again
  16. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Just checking in to say I hope you ladies are doing well.  Thanks for being there.
    I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head ... too many.  I feel discombobulated, for sure.  
    Why ~ why do I keep poisoning my brain with this nonsense?  In the moment, I think it will make me feel better ... the reality is that it never does.
  17. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    I've gone back and looked now.  And here's what I think: 
    I had already ordered the Step 3 patches, when I was feeling good - and thought I was ready.  By the time the Step 3 patches had arrived, and the Step 2 patches ran out ... I was not in such a good W30 place.  So = bad combo.
    It's all just one big experiment, isn't it?  Life.  It just IS.
    Also, looking back through my journal - I see that the furthest I've made it so far is 10 days.  That was only interrupted by the planned lunch with my employer (I am beginning to cringe at the word "boss" - that's not how we roll - we are a team).  So the little tiny baby goal in my mind, for now, is that at some point I'd like to make it to Day 11.
  18. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Thank you, @Amy_Michigan ... and YES ... I have often thought to myself that perhaps I am going to live my life in these "cycles" ~ and that perhaps that is okay.  I'm not sure what all of the drivers are behind the shift when it occurs, but I've identified some of them in the post above.  There are more.  There are things I haven't even talked about here yet ~ just because there are only so many hours in a day, you know?  
    I've been using the nicotine patch since October of last year.  I could not believe how unbelievably successful it was for me.  In the past, I'd gone cold-turkey, I'd used nicotine gum, lozenges, and drops.  I'd even experimented with Wellbutrin, which is supposed to help you quit - but had zero effect in that department for me.
    I was driving along one day last fall, and thought to myself, "I wonder if you have to have a prescription for the patch?"  Being an RN - I feel like I should know everything (lol) - but alas, I do not.  So I googled it, and I thought, Holy. Crap.  Why did I not think of this before?!
    It's been life-changing for me.  Because I have NEVER enjoyed the smell, the taste, the habit, of smoking.  I don't like how it makes me feel about myself.  I don't like how it interrupts my life and takes me away from whatever else is going on.  It consumes me.  Life revolves around when is the next break going to be.  It's terrible.  That's because the body is going through withdrawal basically all of the time.  Our bodies start processing and eliminating the nicotine immediately, so withdrawal begins to occur pretty much as soon as we put out that nasty cigarette.
    I've lived a double life.  I never talked to anyone about being a smoker in nursing school - I didn't go out on class breaks with the other smokers, didn't smoke before going to class, and certainly not before going to clinicals.  I still smoke about 1-2/day now, most days, and my new employer and I have never discussed it.  I'm not saying she doesn't know or suspect - I'm saying, as far as I know, I've given her no reason to think about it.  I don't smoke in my car anymore (Good Lord ... YUCK.) and I have never gone to work with her, smelling like smoke.  It's always carefully arranged ~ that's what I'm saying.  I usually have one in the morning, before my shower, and occasionally one in the evening, before bed.
    But back to the patch:  You start out with Step 1 (21 mg).  I chose from the beginning not to pay any attention to the directions re: length of phases - because I know myself too well, and I decided I would wear this freaking patch for the rest of my life, if that's what I have to do.  I even said this to my doctor, and he agreed with me.  He shrugged and said, "Some people do."  Well, great, because I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do anyway.  And he knows this.  Lol.  So I also did not keep track of how long I wore the Step 1 patches.  (It was longer than directed).  I moved down to Step 2 when I felt like perhaps I was a tad overstimulated, and that I could do without the extra nicotine.  The transition from Step 1 (21 mg) to Step 2 (14 mg) was uneventful.  I don't even remember anything about it.  Non-issue.
    Where I'm going with all of this (and if you are still reading at this point, you are a true friend):  I moved down to Step 3 (7 mg) recently.  I think I was feeling so good on W30 ... and maybe I did feel overstimulated again ... so I thought it was time.  I just finished a 14-day box of Step 3 - used the last one on Monday.  So I will have to go back now and see if I started to take a nosedive around that time.  I think I probably did.  Because this transition was noticeable to me.  I also started smoking more.  
    21 mg --> 14 mg is only a reduction of 1/3.
    14 mg --> 7 mg is a reduction of 1/2.
    So yesterday ~ having run out of the Step 3 patches, I grabbed my "emergency" patch from my wallet - which I had put there back in my Step 1 days.  I cut it in half - which the instructions say never to do - and so, I had 10.5 mg all day yesterday.  And that was good.  I've always suspected the whole "don't cut it in half" was a line of crap for them to make more money ... but I wasn't really sure about that, so I just followed the directions on that one in the past.  Which means I've probably spent way more money than I needed to.  Lol.
    And if you're STILL reading (!) - I have typed all of this out in an effort to tell myself what I already instinctively knew:  I am not ready for Step 3, and my body does not fit into some cookie-cutter program.  Perhaps I need step 2.5 and then 2.75 to remain successful.  And yes, I know, true success in many people's minds will be nicotine-free.  Smoke-free.  But what is most important - honestly, the only thing that is important - is that I feel happy and successful.  No one else gets to define our successes for us.
  19. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Goodness, combatting nicotine withdrawals are no joke.  Geesh woman you’ve got a lot going on.  Be kind be gentle and keep on trucking along.  I’m proud of you for not throwing in the towel and the fact that you keep coming back to work on those layers.  
  20. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    I've gone back and looked now.  And here's what I think: 
    I had already ordered the Step 3 patches, when I was feeling good - and thought I was ready.  By the time the Step 3 patches had arrived, and the Step 2 patches ran out ... I was not in such a good W30 place.  So = bad combo.
    It's all just one big experiment, isn't it?  Life.  It just IS.
    Also, looking back through my journal - I see that the furthest I've made it so far is 10 days.  That was only interrupted by the planned lunch with my employer (I am beginning to cringe at the word "boss" - that's not how we roll - we are a team).  So the little tiny baby goal in my mind, for now, is that at some point I'd like to make it to Day 11.
  21. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Thank you, @Amy_Michigan ... and YES ... I have often thought to myself that perhaps I am going to live my life in these "cycles" ~ and that perhaps that is okay.  I'm not sure what all of the drivers are behind the shift when it occurs, but I've identified some of them in the post above.  There are more.  There are things I haven't even talked about here yet ~ just because there are only so many hours in a day, you know?  
    I've been using the nicotine patch since October of last year.  I could not believe how unbelievably successful it was for me.  In the past, I'd gone cold-turkey, I'd used nicotine gum, lozenges, and drops.  I'd even experimented with Wellbutrin, which is supposed to help you quit - but had zero effect in that department for me.
    I was driving along one day last fall, and thought to myself, "I wonder if you have to have a prescription for the patch?"  Being an RN - I feel like I should know everything (lol) - but alas, I do not.  So I googled it, and I thought, Holy. Crap.  Why did I not think of this before?!
    It's been life-changing for me.  Because I have NEVER enjoyed the smell, the taste, the habit, of smoking.  I don't like how it makes me feel about myself.  I don't like how it interrupts my life and takes me away from whatever else is going on.  It consumes me.  Life revolves around when is the next break going to be.  It's terrible.  That's because the body is going through withdrawal basically all of the time.  Our bodies start processing and eliminating the nicotine immediately, so withdrawal begins to occur pretty much as soon as we put out that nasty cigarette.
    I've lived a double life.  I never talked to anyone about being a smoker in nursing school - I didn't go out on class breaks with the other smokers, didn't smoke before going to class, and certainly not before going to clinicals.  I still smoke about 1-2/day now, most days, and my new employer and I have never discussed it.  I'm not saying she doesn't know or suspect - I'm saying, as far as I know, I've given her no reason to think about it.  I don't smoke in my car anymore (Good Lord ... YUCK.) and I have never gone to work with her, smelling like smoke.  It's always carefully arranged ~ that's what I'm saying.  I usually have one in the morning, before my shower, and occasionally one in the evening, before bed.
    But back to the patch:  You start out with Step 1 (21 mg).  I chose from the beginning not to pay any attention to the directions re: length of phases - because I know myself too well, and I decided I would wear this freaking patch for the rest of my life, if that's what I have to do.  I even said this to my doctor, and he agreed with me.  He shrugged and said, "Some people do."  Well, great, because I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do anyway.  And he knows this.  Lol.  So I also did not keep track of how long I wore the Step 1 patches.  (It was longer than directed).  I moved down to Step 2 when I felt like perhaps I was a tad overstimulated, and that I could do without the extra nicotine.  The transition from Step 1 (21 mg) to Step 2 (14 mg) was uneventful.  I don't even remember anything about it.  Non-issue.
    Where I'm going with all of this (and if you are still reading at this point, you are a true friend):  I moved down to Step 3 (7 mg) recently.  I think I was feeling so good on W30 ... and maybe I did feel overstimulated again ... so I thought it was time.  I just finished a 14-day box of Step 3 - used the last one on Monday.  So I will have to go back now and see if I started to take a nosedive around that time.  I think I probably did.  Because this transition was noticeable to me.  I also started smoking more.  
    21 mg --> 14 mg is only a reduction of 1/3.
    14 mg --> 7 mg is a reduction of 1/2.
    So yesterday ~ having run out of the Step 3 patches, I grabbed my "emergency" patch from my wallet - which I had put there back in my Step 1 days.  I cut it in half - which the instructions say never to do - and so, I had 10.5 mg all day yesterday.  And that was good.  I've always suspected the whole "don't cut it in half" was a line of crap for them to make more money ... but I wasn't really sure about that, so I just followed the directions on that one in the past.  Which means I've probably spent way more money than I needed to.  Lol.
    And if you're STILL reading (!) - I have typed all of this out in an effort to tell myself what I already instinctively knew:  I am not ready for Step 3, and my body does not fit into some cookie-cutter program.  Perhaps I need step 2.5 and then 2.75 to remain successful.  And yes, I know, true success in many people's minds will be nicotine-free.  Smoke-free.  But what is most important - honestly, the only thing that is important - is that I feel happy and successful.  No one else gets to define our successes for us.
  22. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    ^ But that's not helpful - not to me, or anyone else.
    Maybe I didn't feel like talking about it last night ~ but the whole point here is to figure out why I make the decisions I do, and how I can end up staying on a good path.  So let's explore a few thoughts.
    Time change:  I hate you.  Every member of my family hates you right now.  We had a decent system down, then you come along and screw with it. Oh, seriously ... it's going to be "that" time of the month again soon ... are you kidding me?  How long does this go on?   Teenager flare-up, currently in progress. Financial stress.  Apparently I can't stop working as an RN and still spend money as if I were - who knew? And this is possibly the most important of all - the lynchpin:  I have not yet figured out the most optimal diet for me.  I often think I need to sit down and research for an entire day - just focus on making a list of low-FODMAP and low-histamine foods.  Figure out all of the mechanisms that are causing me to have a histamine problem in the first place (this is an area where I've done a lot of research in the past) - then figure out what I can do to support those systems.  There's also the subject of IBS - and zero denying that it is a factor, and must be taken into consideration in all food decisions. So I get frustrated.  I throw my hands up mentally ~ and I'm like, "whatever".  Just - what. ever.  I get tired of thinking about it.  
    But we have to think about it - don't we?  At least a couple of times per day ... and probably way more than that for most people.  We have to think about food.  We have to make choices.  I'm back at the point where I really don't know what choices to make, and that sucks.  I end up making some of the least optimal choices when I'm frustrated.
  23. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    I've been there when I tried AIP (autoimmune protocol of the Whole30) a few years back.  Because I have lupus, I feel this huge pressure to be on the perfect diet to manage it and reduce inflammation.  However, I have determined a few things about myself: 1. As much as I want to make a forever lifestyle change, my my mind/body/life cannot handle being that consistent.  Maybe some people can do that forever but I'm not one of those people.  2. I feel pretty good when I eat paleo/whole30 meals and avoid overeating.  Staples that have always worked well for me to keep me full and happy are sweet potatoes, pumpkin, and squash.  And I have gotten used to soup purees with added meat, or salad for any meal.
    I think if we can find favorite fruits and vegetables that don't make our bodies feel bad, we can develop routines with recipes using those foods.  Even if I have an off week, I can always go back to that routine... that is what I'm trying to do now, anyway.  
  24. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Thanks @BabyBear for sharing your thoughts ...  My family really is okay with whatever I decide to eat/not eat ~ no one really cares ~ I just put that pressure on myself of "It's my birthday, I have to choose..."
    Today was a pretty weird eating day, and definitely not W30 compliant.  I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing.  
  25. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    Well, guys ... I blew it.  Thanks for the birthday wishes!
    Today I am 41 years, and 1 day old.  Lol.
    It's okay ... it's okay, though.  Because I really figured out another layer ~ and that is:  I will eat things I don't "really" want to eat, because I am worried about the feelings of others.
    A part of me wants to call this "peer pressure" ~ but it really isn't.  No one was pressuring me (well, not exactly) - but I did have to make a decision about dinner.  "It's your birthday - we'll do whatever you want."  <-- Okay, yes, that does feel like pressure to me.  But it's more of an internal pressure I put on myself.  You know what I mean.
    I wasn't far enough along in my journey (AKA: Day 1 again) ~ and therefore, not confident enough to say: "Okay, I'm having a frozen meal, you guys can do whatever you want."  
    I personally would have been very happy with a frozen meal & keeping the day compliant, like I said here I was going to do.    But that's not the choice I made - and yes, it was my choice.  I'm owning it.
    ---
    I got the flooring done!  The appraiser came back out to see it at the end of the day on Friday.  Now he just has to file a quick 2-page report on Monday, and then hopefully we can get the refinance closed this week.  I do have that sense of "I'll believe it when the money is in our bank account" ... because it seems like there are so many things in this process that can go wrong.  This is why we've been in the same house for the past 17 years and not moved OR refinanced.  My sister has moved like a hundred times ~ and the thought of all of the ducks that have to line up in a row each time makes me want to barf.
    I love the meme someone sent me years ago:  I do not have ducks.  I do not have a row.  I have squirrels, and they're at a rave.    
    ---
    I hope we all can have a happy, healthy Sunday.  That's as far as I'm going with the proclamations at this point!