Brewer5

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  1. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    Day 2 yesterday:  8/28/20
    --
    The day was fine & compliant.  It was our anniversary - married 21 years - and he was out of town for work.  Not the first time & won't be the last ... so, no big deal.
    @MadyVanilla ~ I'm sorry, I haven't been venturing out to explore other people's logs or any other discussions here.  Have you not completed a Whole 30 yet?  I think getting that full 30 days in at some point, when the time is right can really be a life-changing experience.  It was for me, anyway.  
    But I also think that this way of eating is just the best human diet that makes sense - and what I mean is, the things that are eliminated are simply not the best human choices.  Every thing that has been eliminated is gone for a reason.  So "lightening the load" on your body - even one day at a time - can certainly be beneficial, as well.  I'm glad you agree.    Too many people get stuck in an all or nothing mentality.
  2. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Day 1:  8/27/20
    --
    Starting weight:  116.8
    --
    Had some wine last night, dumped the rest of the bottle down the drain.  When I asked my husband to get me a bottle for the night of camping with my friend last week - he bought two.  Super sweet & all, but ... if it's in the house & I'm in just the right/wrong mood ~ chances are, I'll get into it.
    I'm going ahead and posting this day, early in the day, because I know it will be compliant.  I've already decided.
  3. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    TRUTH!  
    Reading through your last posts, it sounds like you've made food choices that have made sense with life.  As opposed to binging on something without logical thought.  Be kind to yourself, return to W30 as you can.  Sending positive thoughts that things go well with your son.  
  4. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    Thanks @ShadowInTheKitchen for your kind words & continued support.  Our middle son is in good hands, surrounded my family who loves him ... getting to have lots of good talks and spend a lot of time out in nature and with animals.  They’ve acquired a pot-bellied pig & rescued an abandoned puppy just in the last couple of days.  So the farm is really growing!  Lol.  
     
    I’m taking a couple of days off from W30.  Last night, I drove up to have a “treasure hunt” with my dad at my grandmother’s house - she’s owned the home for 70+ years, and today it is being closed on to go to a new family.  My grandparents both used to hide money in strange places.  I had to get in the crawl space in the basement to investigate a spot my grandpa told my dad about 30-40 years ago.  It took some strength, flexibility, and a small body to get in there.  I was happy to work my way through the cobwebs for my dad.  If I hadn’t done it, he would have always wondered.  Alas, no money was found - but we had a good evening. It was an adventure.  
     
    So when they wanted to order pizza from the local bar afterwards - I went with it.  No regrets.
  5. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    Day 4:  8/18/20

    Finally had the emotional breakdown about our middle son - who is still at my sister’s (doing fine) and has had zero desire to talk to us.  I was on my way to the office and suddenly just decided to have an ugly cry.  My *normally uplifting* music made me finally lose my composure.
    I made a U-turn and drove an hour north instead, and spent some time with my parents.  Because I have the most understanding employer in the world, she puts up with my life and just told me to take care of myself.
    Came home and got a surprise phone call from a friend ... and I am thankful beyond words.  Turned my whole day around.
    Took MIL & both dogs for a walk.  The evenings are getting cooler, and the Shelties can go for walks with us again.
    So many blessings in this post.
     
  6. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Lol ... Except that if I had a child for every time I decided to "let loose" and eat inflammatory food ~ I'd have a whole gaggle of children here, and would have completely lost my mind a long time ago!  
    Yesterday, I decided it was the day to go retrieve our middle son and bring him home.  My parents were there visiting, so it ended up being a big family gathering.  My sister made a huge pan of pulled pork, mashed potatoes, butternut squash with some kind of butter/syrup concoction all mixed up in it, etc.  There was no way I was going to keep that day W30 - so I didn't even worry about it.  Last night I had a pretty disturbing gut reaction to all of it.
    The pizza ... oh my word.  It was chicken bacon ranch, so no red pizza sauce - which I know I don't do well with - but yeah, the enormous amount of gluten, dairy, and onions all at once ... after staying "clean" for 18 days.  Really, really upset things.
  7. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Thanks @ShadowInTheKitchen for your kind words & continued support.  Our middle son is in good hands, surrounded my family who loves him ... getting to have lots of good talks and spend a lot of time out in nature and with animals.  They’ve acquired a pot-bellied pig & rescued an abandoned puppy just in the last couple of days.  So the farm is really growing!  Lol.  
     
    I’m taking a couple of days off from W30.  Last night, I drove up to have a “treasure hunt” with my dad at my grandmother’s house - she’s owned the home for 70+ years, and today it is being closed on to go to a new family.  My grandparents both used to hide money in strange places.  I had to get in the crawl space in the basement to investigate a spot my grandpa told my dad about 30-40 years ago.  It took some strength, flexibility, and a small body to get in there.  I was happy to work my way through the cobwebs for my dad.  If I hadn’t done it, he would have always wondered.  Alas, no money was found - but we had a good evening. It was an adventure.  
     
    So when they wanted to order pizza from the local bar afterwards - I went with it.  No regrets.
  8. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Day 5:  8/19/20

    Woke up too early today, and probably undereating overall.  Just time to go to bed & start fresh.
    The day was fine - took my youngest to the office with me so that he could get some school work done and finally meet my Irish Setter workmates.  It’s peaceful there.  He liked it.
  9. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    @Brewer5 I'm glad to hear he is well and sorry that he hasn't come around yet.  It sounds like you are doing good self care.  You will overcome this, and be stronger than ever. Take good care of you.  Sending you more virtual ((hugs))
  10. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    Day 3:  8/17/20
    --
    So, of course ~ MIL's dr appt went just fine.  My husband and I both reassured her that her living situation was not going to change, no matter what was talked about at this appointment.  I know what she's been through was genuinely scary for her ~ then compounded by the fact that no one else "believes" her.  Deep down she's afraid she's going to get locked up somewhere if she talks about it.  I'm not patting myself on the back, but I am going to say out loud what a blessing it is for her that she has us.  Because I've seen first-hand: so many people do not have someone who is willing or able to take this on.  <-- And that makes me so sad.
  11. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Day 3:  8/17/20
    --
    So, of course ~ MIL's dr appt went just fine.  My husband and I both reassured her that her living situation was not going to change, no matter what was talked about at this appointment.  I know what she's been through was genuinely scary for her ~ then compounded by the fact that no one else "believes" her.  Deep down she's afraid she's going to get locked up somewhere if she talks about it.  I'm not patting myself on the back, but I am going to say out loud what a blessing it is for her that she has us.  Because I've seen first-hand: so many people do not have someone who is willing or able to take this on.  <-- And that makes me so sad.
  12. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Day 2:  8/16/20

    Had a pretty good day.  
     
    MIL is having anxiety flare up, because we have her first appt with a new doctor tomorrow.  She hasn’t seen any drs since she’s been here with us - this is the soonest we could get her in.  So we spent quite a bit of time tonight discussing her past issues, how she’s doing currently, and reassuring her that tomorrow will be just fine.
    My stress is greatly reduced since I decided to stop picking up any nursing shifts for now.  We will be feeling it financially soon ... but I do believe it will all work out.  No doubt that this is what I need to be doing for now.
  13. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    Day 2:  8/16/20

    Had a pretty good day.  
     
    MIL is having anxiety flare up, because we have her first appt with a new doctor tomorrow.  She hasn’t seen any drs since she’s been here with us - this is the soonest we could get her in.  So we spent quite a bit of time tonight discussing her past issues, how she’s doing currently, and reassuring her that tomorrow will be just fine.
    My stress is greatly reduced since I decided to stop picking up any nursing shifts for now.  We will be feeling it financially soon ... but I do believe it will all work out.  No doubt that this is what I need to be doing for now.
  14. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    Yesterday, my IBS decided to flare up.  It has been pretty calm all this time.
    After 4 explosions spread inconveniently throughout my day, I finally decided to take two Imodium ~ and by then, I was so frustrated that all I wanted was chicken and rice topped with white cheese sauce from somewhere.  A glass of wine crossed my mind, but it was not a demand.  It was just a suggestion.  It was optional.
    Got home from work ~ and hey, it's Friday night!  My husband was home, which is rare ... and he, my MIL, and my youngest all decided they wanted to go out for Mexican.  I told my husband about my day, and said I was probably at the point of throwing this out the window anyway.
    We drove about 30 minutes to his favorite place around here.  The car ride was fun ~ somehow we got on the subject of music, and I started playing old songs MIL was referencing on my Amazon app.  We were laughing and sharing stories.  It was great.
    When we got out of the car at this place, which is downtown ~ there was a live band playing across the street.  She yells at them, "Bob Seger!" and we all started laughing.  No one could hear her, but the point is ~ the mood was high ~ relaxed and having fun.  She can be funny, and she has a good soul, and that is why she's here with me.
    I did decide to have one glass of Pinot Grigio, and it was wonderful.  I did eat just exactly what I was craving - and, at the very best place around here for it.  I made a choice, and it was a good one.
    There were more laughs and discussion on the way home, and we all agreed it had been a lot of fun.  Just what we needed.
    There is no wine in my house, and when my husband asked if I wanted him to go get me a bottle - I said no.  One glass is enough.  There is no need for it to turn into an entire bottle.  And I felt that deep down ~ it wasn't a struggle.
    Today I will weigh myself out of curiosity ... although, not sure what that's really going to tell me, now that I've stopped things up with Imodium and eaten Mexican food.  Lol.  
    But then I think I'll just go back to counting days for now.  I have a good friend who has invited me to go camping with her at some point next weekend.  I'm not sure that it is going to work out, with my other obligations here.  If it somehow does work out - I'll be hitting the pause button on W30 again.  And that's okay ~ for me, for now.  I've already achieved the 30 days, multiple times ... so this is really just me figuring out what things "should" look like, to be my best for the rest of my days here on Earth.
  15. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Day 1:  8/15/20
    --
    Weight:  119.0
    So, the scale still reflecting a loss over the 18 days I managed to stick with this.
    --
    I didn't have any cravings for alcohol today/tonight ... dinner last night did not trigger any big "brain rebellion" in the food department, either.  I mostly like having the guidelines, and I don't spend a lot of time thinking about food.  There are way too many other things on my mind right now.
  16. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Yesterday, my IBS decided to flare up.  It has been pretty calm all this time.
    After 4 explosions spread inconveniently throughout my day, I finally decided to take two Imodium ~ and by then, I was so frustrated that all I wanted was chicken and rice topped with white cheese sauce from somewhere.  A glass of wine crossed my mind, but it was not a demand.  It was just a suggestion.  It was optional.
    Got home from work ~ and hey, it's Friday night!  My husband was home, which is rare ... and he, my MIL, and my youngest all decided they wanted to go out for Mexican.  I told my husband about my day, and said I was probably at the point of throwing this out the window anyway.
    We drove about 30 minutes to his favorite place around here.  The car ride was fun ~ somehow we got on the subject of music, and I started playing old songs MIL was referencing on my Amazon app.  We were laughing and sharing stories.  It was great.
    When we got out of the car at this place, which is downtown ~ there was a live band playing across the street.  She yells at them, "Bob Seger!" and we all started laughing.  No one could hear her, but the point is ~ the mood was high ~ relaxed and having fun.  She can be funny, and she has a good soul, and that is why she's here with me.
    I did decide to have one glass of Pinot Grigio, and it was wonderful.  I did eat just exactly what I was craving - and, at the very best place around here for it.  I made a choice, and it was a good one.
    There were more laughs and discussion on the way home, and we all agreed it had been a lot of fun.  Just what we needed.
    There is no wine in my house, and when my husband asked if I wanted him to go get me a bottle - I said no.  One glass is enough.  There is no need for it to turn into an entire bottle.  And I felt that deep down ~ it wasn't a struggle.
    Today I will weigh myself out of curiosity ... although, not sure what that's really going to tell me, now that I've stopped things up with Imodium and eaten Mexican food.  Lol.  
    But then I think I'll just go back to counting days for now.  I have a good friend who has invited me to go camping with her at some point next weekend.  I'm not sure that it is going to work out, with my other obligations here.  If it somehow does work out - I'll be hitting the pause button on W30 again.  And that's okay ~ for me, for now.  I've already achieved the 30 days, multiple times ... so this is really just me figuring out what things "should" look like, to be my best for the rest of my days here on Earth.
  17. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from Ginsky in Like an Onion   
    Day 1:  8/15/20
    --
    Weight:  119.0
    So, the scale still reflecting a loss over the 18 days I managed to stick with this.
    --
    I didn't have any cravings for alcohol today/tonight ... dinner last night did not trigger any big "brain rebellion" in the food department, either.  I mostly like having the guidelines, and I don't spend a lot of time thinking about food.  There are way too many other things on my mind right now.
  18. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    Day 18:  8/13/20
    --
    Thanks, ladies.  Just got the update from my sister & sounds like they've kept him busy all day.
    My MIL was pretty upset by the whole thing ... paranoia is part of the mix she has going on, so I have spent quite a bit of time last night & this morning trying to allay her fears.  He's a teenage boy with a strong will.  We just want to see him use it to do good.  
    Finally, I think she has calmed.  We had a nice walk around the neighborhood with the dogs tonight.
  19. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Day 18:  8/13/20
    --
    Thanks, ladies.  Just got the update from my sister & sounds like they've kept him busy all day.
    My MIL was pretty upset by the whole thing ... paranoia is part of the mix she has going on, so I have spent quite a bit of time last night & this morning trying to allay her fears.  He's a teenage boy with a strong will.  We just want to see him use it to do good.  
    Finally, I think she has calmed.  We had a nice walk around the neighborhood with the dogs tonight.
  20. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    {{{hugs}}}
  21. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Oh that's tough, and on top of everything else you have going on.  It's hard to understand the teenage brain.  I wish you the best as you and your family work through this.  Congrats on remaining sober.  
  22. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    *standing ovation*
    This is so very true.  It's life.  And oblivious-we talk so much today about mindfulness, but there is absolutely a time and place for unmindfulness.  There is a reason for the saying, "Ignorance is bliss."  Sometimes, it really is what we need.  
  23. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Day 16:  8/11/20
    --
    Thanks so much for the support, ladies.  It means more than you know.
    I'm not sure what direction I will go with this RN title.  I've only worked in long-term care, but there are so many options.  I'm going to let it rest for a bit.  When the path is clear, I will see it.  I do know that much.
    For now, I do still have my marketing job - which I love.  That is a position I was led to - zero doubt about that - and it is where I belong at this moment.  Rather than suck the life out of me, it brings me joy.  It adds, instead of takes away.  Honestly, how many people can say that?  ...Well, several, I suppose.  But not the majority.  Not by a long shot.
    I love my residents in long-term care.  If loving and caring were some of the top requirements to be a great LTC nurse, I'd have this job in the bag.  But the reality is that there is very little time for loving and caring.  Those moments I have with my residents are fleeting ... deep, and real, and meaningful ... but fleeting.  There is too much for one person to do.  And it wears me down.  It is not just physical - I could do a great physical job outside from sun up to sun down.  It's the combination of the physical, the mental, and the emotional, all at once.  I'm not built to go pedal to the metal in all of these areas for hours at a time.
    --
    Today I came home from the office and the kitchen was destroyed.  There were 2.5 capable adults here for the 5.5 hours I was gone.  It was a giant moment of WTF.
    The thought of a glass of wine crossed my mind - I won't lie.  But my next thought was that I was in recent days coming home and having wine all the time, no matter what.  Good days, bad days, all of the days.  It didn't actually solve any problems, but it helped me get through the evenings in a more oblivious state.
    Oblivious.  That's the word that just came to mind.  Well, that's a great place to be:  unmindful, unconscious, unaware.
    --
    We were talking with MIL the other day about how she can't just focus on the number on the scale.  I said, you have to pay attention to how you feel, how your clothes fit, how's your mood.  She said, "Well, I do get depressed sometimes."  And my immediate response without thinking was, "Well, that's just life."  {shrug}
    And we all kind of laughed and just shrugged at each other.  
    You know what?  It just IS life.  Life is not meant to be all sunshine & roses ... things do not always go our way.  We must know sadness to truly appreciate happiness.  We must experience loneliness to truly appreciate the presence of a good, true friend.
    I have already stated here in the past that I may continue to go through these cycles - cleaning things up with W30, then loosening up and relaxing, then realizing I've relaxed too far, then going back to W30.  I would prefer to keep things W30 most of the time.  But you know what happens?  Life.  Life happens.  And that's okay.
  24. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Your introspection is inspiring Brewer.  You have come a long way in just one short week.  You had a strong W30 foundation and I believe that was truly a blessing for when you just wanted to drown your thoughts in wine.  Please know that I wish the best for you, and that I hope you continue with what you need to live your best.  Good luck with the career change.  Ugh long term care looks so tough, even more so right now with covid.
  25. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from ShadowInTheKitchen in Like an Onion   
    Day 15:  8/10/20

    This is easy now.  The food has been easy all along, because it’s how I normally eat, for the most part.
    After going through what I went through last week - and doing it 100% sober, just digging deep within myself - I have a new perspective.
    Posting about this feels like one of those people on social media who will post some vague statement about what a bad day they are having, because they just want someone to ask about it.
    I don’t.  I can assure you, I don’t want to talk about it here.  It’s not internet material.
    I will say, it was life-changing ... in a way that very few things in my life have been.
    The Me of Previous Layers of This Onion would have caved ... so, so caved.
    But that’s not me anymore.  In fact, I knew for certain that I needed to be sober through this.  It’s like I was guided back to W30 *just* at the right time.  In fact, I know I was.  I spoke on Day 1 of my higher self.  ...She knows things I sometimes don’t.
    I’m changing course in my career.  The stress of long-term care has driven so many unhealthy choices.  It starts with one, and then there’s a snowball effect.  I am no good to anyone if I don’t take care of myself.  I really know that to my core now.  I’m not going back.