Brewer5

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  1. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    Honestly ... I feel like a broken record.
    I HAVE to get my head back in the game.  I'm working at home 20 hours per week + just started my new online bachelors degree program ... I'd like to be putting 15-20 hours of study time into that, now, as well.  That doesn't sound like a lot - but with the kids home from school (for the rest of the school year - was just announced today) - there are so many distractions.
    When I'm not eating well, I can just feel the difference in my brain and body, and it is so obvious.  Like trying to sprint through mud.    Ridiculous.
    I said on here before that I'd just like to make it through 11 days.  The furthest I've gone (this year, on this journal) is 10 days.  If I can make it to Day 11 - I should be SO over the hump, that it should be no big deal to make it through Day 12, and beyond.  What the heck else do I have going on in April?  NOTHING.  No lunch dates with my boss ... or anyone.  Because lunch dates are now impossible.
    What derailed me this afternoon was 1/2 bottle - not even an entire, fresh, crisp bottle - of Diet Dr. Pepper that I'd started last night and not finished.  After that, well, my brain says "screw it" and the rest of the day is just, whatever.  Sit down with a giant bag of roasted salted peanuts in their shell, because that sounds like fun?  Sure!  Why not?!  {Umm, perhaps because I eat so many in one sitting that I can't decide which one is going to explode first - my pounding heart, or my bowels!   LOL.  ...Not funny...}
  2. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    Great to hear you are thinking positive about your career option in the nursing field.  Good luck!!  I’m getting some meal ideas from you that I’m going to try for tomorrow.  Hamburgers sound really good.... and steak and potatoes YUM
  3. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Day 8:  4/21/20
    FaceTime job interview this morning at 10:30.  Making myself STOP at two cups of coffee, so I can relax and sit still for it.  Probably should have stopped at one.

    12:50 pm:  W30 harvest chicken frozen meal w/ ghee and salt

    Job interview went well, and I’m going to give it a try.  It might take just one shift for me to go: “WHAT was I thinking?!”  Lol.  But I am excited about getting back out there in the world of nursing … and I’m not sure I thought I’d ever say that again.  “Excited”.  Hmmm.  Looks like someone’s outlook is changing.  

    In all seriousness - perhaps the key to me keeping my mental clarity and sanity as a nurse really IS going to be eating W30.  For real.

    7:20 pm:  Five Guys - hamburger patties, lettuce, grilled onions, tomato, Tessamae’s ranch - diced potatoes w/ ghee and herbamare seasoning

    Overall ~ a good, sunny day.  No cravings to speak of.  Two meals, I just noticed.  And no snacks.  It's all coming together.
  4. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    Day 7:  4/20/20
    Woke up today feeling like I’d been run over by a truck … with a sinus headache again.  I knew it before I even opened my eyes.  I didn't take any allergy medicine last night, and I had that apple before bed.  The way I felt, it might as well have been a glass of wine.  Which brings up the subject of salicylates - which are RICH in the peel of an apple.  No more apple (peels, at least) for me.  Geez.  I took a quercetin/bromelain and one acetaminophen.  Two cups of coffee later - feeling like myself again.

    11:15 am:  butter chicken W30 frozen meal w/ added ghee

    4:00 pm:  tuna salad w/ ranch, frozen blueberries, chopped macadamia nuts

    When I’ve looked back at journals from previous W30’s or 30 days of carnivore, etc. - I’ve wondered what I was thinking / how I was feeling on those days when I was “less wordy” or even not wordy at all - just posting food.  Is that a good sign?  Is that a bad sign?
    So I want to say now - I feel good.  I’m not posting as much, because I’m busy.  Productive.  My thoughts are slowing down, in a good way, and becoming more focused on getting things done.

    8:30 pm:  steak w/ ghee, potatoes w/ avocado ranch

    Staying up to do work on the computer until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore.  Today was good - sunny - but a lot going on, a lot of distractions with the kids - got a dumpster delivered to be here for a week to clean a bunch of stuff out (finally!) - and we have a guy here working on a privacy fence.  Had a few unexpected phone calls ~ including a nursing job I am considering, and actually kind of excited about.  I have a very weird mix of emotions re: nursing.  Especially at this current moment in time.
  5. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    And I am so happy to hear from you, Amy - yay!  I'm never happy to hear that someone is going to have serious mental pain ... but I feel you ~ because I remember being there with the diet Dr. Pepper - and that was just a few short days ago.  
    A LOT can change in just a few short days.  I don't think I had a single moment where I thought about drinking a soda today.  Not one!  And I had been drinking that stuff ... sadly ... every day.  Sometimes 2 or 3 (20 oz?) bottles a day.  
    Best wishes on whatever you decide to do.  Please reach out and let me know if I can help.  I'll keep an eye out to see if you're posting a journal this time.  I have things MUCH more together mentally now than I did when you were posting before.  Winter is really, very hard on me.  Like I'm running on 50% power mode, no matter what.  Ugh.  SO, so glad the sun is shining more now.  I know you can't go out in it much ~ but even seeing the sunshine come in through my windows makes my days go better.  I hope that's the case for you, as well.
  6. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Day 6:  4/19/20 (cont)
    11:50 am:  sausage and eggs
    I have felt really, really GOOD today - almost reluctant to eat anything and slow myself down.  But my husband cooked, so - you just don't turn down compliant food that someone else has cooked for you on W30.

    3:30 pm:  tuna salad w/ ranch, frozen blueberries, chopped macadamia nuts

    I’ve had some cravings here and there, but nothing unmanageable.  It’s more of a fleeting thought that comes and goes.  Last night, I had a moment where I really did want to have a glass of wine before bed - just to help unwind after some more frustration with one of my teens.  BUT - I had no desire to start my numbering over here again.  So, I didn’t.  I also knew I was going to get a short night of sleep already - and wine was NOT going to help that.  As it is ~ with no wine ~ I feel pretty great today. 

    7:15 pm:  chicken Caesar salad, diced potatoes w/ ghee and salt, glass of unsweetened almond milk

    10:30 pm:  an apple.  I don't eat apples often, and I don't usually eat this late ~ but it sounded good, so:  {shrug}

    I noticed today that my kids are so much happier since they are out of school.  But it's not just that - we’ve been limiting screens more, and getting into more of a routine instead of just the "coronavirus what-ever" we had fallen face first into.  AND the weather is getting nicer …slowly, but surely.  The youngest (13 and 15) are actually playing Legos together again … what?!  It reminds me of all those years we were homeschooling.  I feel like I’m getting my family back, in a way.  Thank you, coronavirus!    Hopefully there will be lots of good stories like this out there … because Lord knows, we’ve all seen plenty of bad.
    I am also painfully aware of how very true it is that when I am in a better place, this whole place is in a better place.  So I definitely owe some thanks to Whole 30, as well.
  7. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    Good for you for fighting for what you want and not giving up.  A lot of things have changed in the past month (obviously) but what I want hasn't changed.  I'm just not reaching for it like I was before. When you are in this (I mean REALLY in this), you allow that passion to drive you, and continue driving you more than 10 days, more than 14 days...even if we are not perfect, if we can be at 95% for those 10-14 days then we CAN make it to 30 and it will change our lives and help us develop new, healthier lifestyles.  I need to let that goal consume me again, but I'm scared.  It takes over everything.  But it also prevents me from having random lupus flares so it IS worth it.  There is a half of a batch of cookies still left over from my baking day with the kids yesterday. And it will cause me pain, serious mental pain, not to eat any tomorrow, but I really want to be in this again.  And the best time to do it is when others are there to support you and share their experiences with you.  So I'm so happy you're still posting. 
  8. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    Day 1: 4/14/20
    That makes Day 31: 5/14/20
    Weighed in today ~ after my shower, but before food:  131.2 lbs
    I have never done W30 with weight loss as a goal.  That may not sound like a lot of weight to some people - but that is every bit of 20 lbs. overweight for my frame, and the highest weight I have seen in a very long time.  What’s worse: the last time I saw that weight was when I had been working on building some SERIOUS muscle.
    This is not muscle.  This is good-old, thighs rubbing together, double-chin, cellulite dimples and ripples - FAT.  And now I’m pissed.  Perhaps that’s what I needed all along: to just get really pissed off.
    Watched an episode of Real Time With Bill Maher yesterday with my husband - lots of jokes about food and everyone now having an eating disorder since coronavirus, etc… we LOL’d, and it was a good show - but it really is. not. funny.  It isn’t.  What this is doing to our people is scary and in some ways, just plain ridiculous.

    I’m taking BabyBear’s suggestion of keeping a log throughout the day on my computer and then posting it all at once at the end of the day.
    Morning was just 3 cups of black coffee.
    12:15 pm:  M1 - a butter chicken GV frozen meal w/ ghee added and salt.
    I’m throwing away all of my nicotine gum … I’ve HAD IT with the artificial sweeteners - plus it expires this month.  I put my 7 mg patch back on today (that’s the lowest dose) - I had stopped wearing a patch altogether at some point after I posted my thoughts here about it, and I’ve been alternating between smoking and chewing the gum.
    Geez, I sound like a mess.  Being a mess is one thing - but now I’m a fat mess.  And that is unacceptable.  LOL.

    12:55 pm:  Trying to work on school work - my husband wants to take the dogs for a walk.  Making myself go.  I’m always glad I did.

    4:00 pm:  M2 - tuna salad made w/ ranch, frozen blueberries, chopped macadamia nuts.

    5:00 pm:  Beginning to feel that afternoon slump, for sure.  I have mentally noted over the past few days that I can do *really well* keeping things compliant until about 6:00 pm … and then something changes … and I’m at the point of “just don’t care” and find myself reaching for a diet soda.  It all goes badly from there.  I think it really, really does make me more hungry.  I’ve been thinking I need to figure out what I can do to avoid this.  Perhaps I just need more WATER.  I’ll have a sparkling water now (or two!) and see if I can power through.

    7:45 pm:  M3 - an entire package of Butcher Box (compliant, of course) bacon, an apple, and too many pistachios.  Does that sound like a well-constructed meal, or what?  Haha.  “Oh well” is what I say to that.  The bacon is ENTIRELY too salty when eaten by itself like that - and I am a lover of salt.  So I don’t think I’ll be doing that again.
    Having my last cup of coffee for the day, and yes I know that is ridiculously late.  But no soda today (!) so what-ev-er.

    It’s 8:15 pm now, and my family is snacking on things like chocolate covered peanuts and Jell-O no bake cherry cheesecake.  I’ve got one fully compliant day complete, and I’m cool with that.   
  9. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from Amy_Michigan in Like an Onion   
    @BabyBear and @Amy_Michigan ~ I hope you both have a beautiful Easter Day.
    The sun is shining here, so there's that.   
  10. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    @BabyBear and @Amy_Michigan ~ I hope you both have a beautiful Easter Day.
    The sun is shining here, so there's that.   
  11. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    The willingness and even the thought to consider to provide the care in the midst of thoughts of defeat is exactly what makes me say you are full of compassion and an amazing individual.  We ALL struggle with doubt, fear, defeat, even darkness.  The heroes are those who press through all that to care for others in whatever manner of form that takes on.    
    I was reading and got me thinking about the wilderness.  We all have periods of wilderness, the unknown. The unknown is daunting and can be terrifying especially to those who tend to overthink everything and struggle with anxiety.  As we move into a wilderness it’s hard at first, but as we work and toil to make a place for ourselves in that wilderness we grow and we begin to “tame” and chart that wilderness.  The wilderness becomes ours, it becomes familiar, it becomes “normal”.   Every wilderness we have walked before has prepared us for the next.  Whatever the next wilderness that lies ahead of you, you have it within you to survive and even thrive within.  
  12. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Today, so far, has been even better than the puppy waking me up the other day at 4:15 am.  My husband got home at 2:30 am this time, and the dogs stayed silent.  But - I awoke from my Papa John's gluten-free pizza coma - which had commenced on the couch, sometime around 10:30 pm.  In my half-asleep dream-state ... I had it in my head that what I was hearing was him outside the front door, unable to get in with his key.  So I jumped up, ready to go let him in - and then, there he stands, already in the entryway - which made me jump / scared the shit out of me.  
    So I start talking ... you know, we aren't supposed to do this ... it's pretty much a rule that when he gets home in the middle of the night, we shouldn't talk.  We need to get our sleep.  But I start talking, because I've had pizza and I'm crazy thirsty now, so I'm chugging a sparkling water ... and, well, because these quiet moments when the kids are all sleeping and I can be heard are just so. damn. rare.  
    So of course this is all fine and dandy, until he shares something with me that a friend at work said to him tonight ~ which just pisses me right off, and then I start crying ~ so, now here I am.  Yes, I decided to go ahead and turn the coffee pot on, and went outside to smoke with a cup of coffee at like 3 am.  I'm already FULLY awake ... might as well get some work done.  I am not doing well with getting my work done at home - not my work work, or my school work - because there are so many distractions, and I do not have a space here that is mine.  I've been working on finding a solution for that - but, in the meantime ... sadly, I've found myself thinking a lot lately, "Well, if I could just stay up all night, and not need to sleep..."
    We all know that's not a real possibility, and we all know that is not remotely good for us.  But I know you ALL know exactly what I mean.
  13. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    I realized just now ~ mine is the only journal on the first page of W30 journals that has a start date of December.  Lol.  Some might say, well, it doesn't belong here - because it's not a W30.  I say, it MIGHT turn into a W30 one of these days ... so, what a great example it can be of the very real, back-and-forth struggle that so many of us go through, leading up to finally getting our shit together.  
    ---
    Day 1: Groundhog Day

    ^ YES ... this is me ... smiling and enjoying the ride.
    The groundhog looks panicked ~ but nope, I'm having fun.  
  14. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    @Brewer5 in the words of Dorry the fish “just keep swimming swimming swimming”. 
    The question of the day? How can I make my next bite of food compliant.  Don’t worry about the future just get your arms around the moment you are currently in.  
  15. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Thanks so much, @BabyBear ... I really appreciate the encouragement.  
    I hope to have another Day 1 soon.  For now ~ I'm going to go check out your journal!
  16. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    YES! YES! YES!  I am cheering so loudly for you right now.  This is huge!  Like a really big stinking deal big.  Being able to apply the brakes and say I did this but it doesn’t warrant me throwing out the baby with the dishwater is hard, super hard, and you were able to do just that.  
    I am so sorry the calls did not go well.  I remember when my Nana (dad’s mom) got to the point where she couldn’t live on her own any longer her care all fell on my mom.  Well my mom picked it up and took such good care of her.  Her daughters were grateful but wouldn’t/couldn’t provide care for her the way my mom did.  I do hope answers are discovered and plans can be set and what is absolutely best for your MIL can be acted upon.  You are an amazing and compassionate person to be willing and even consider taking on such a monumental task.  
  17. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Imodium again ~1 hour after that M2 ... I have never done well with broccoli and cauliflower + still recovering from yesterday's nonsense.  I use the multi-symptom kind, that also has simethicone for gas - and I only take one pill at a time (instead of the recommended two), unless it a really bad situation.  Just felt the need to state that here - in case it looks to anyone like I am using A LOT of Imodium.    
    So the conference call re: my MIL was at 4:00 pm, and did not go well at all.  I'm not going to type a book about it - I'll just say that things are very "up in the air" right now, and hopefully there will be direction and clarity regarding that situation soon.  Where I'm going with this: I found myself chugging down a diet Dr. Pepper, while I was on the phone with various family members, giving them the update about this absolutely ridculous turn of events.
    And then I decided to do something differently.  I decided - instead of letting my brain go to the place of "Oh, screw it, now this day is ruined" ... I decided to just move on with my Day 1 plan.  No junk food or self-flagellation required.
    Now - I'll say right here - I am well aware that this is NOT a Whole 30.  And I'm also aware that an "all or nothing" mindset does not necessarily serve me well.
    So in the evening, I had M3 - chicken breasts and diced golden potatoes with Tessamae's ranch.  And life went on.  And it was good.
  18. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    This!  I journal all throughout my day.  And then post my “captains log” at the end of the day or the next.  I tried journaling at the end of the day but I forget the little things that are important and honestly by nightfall I’m too tired to journal.
     Post 100 times a day! I’ll read em all!
  19. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    I was so excited to see all your likes in my notifications.  I was like oh my whole 30 pal made time to read up on my log!  I journal because it helps me process and keeps me on track and honest.  But I’m glad it has been a source of encouragement to others too.  
  20. Like
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    Yes! sometimes more than two.  I also get the war terms.  It IS a battle and a war that rages on inside of us and on the outside too.  I feel like the Roman Empire at times having made great conquest but then struggling to keep the ground I’ve gained against the marauders and barbarians within me.  The Barbarians broke the line in March but I called in the seasoned battle troops and they arrived April 1st and are cleaning up the mess, but it definitely proven to be a difficult job this go round.  
  21. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    M2 - 2:30 pm after a walk with the family:  chicken breasts w/ Tessamae's buffalo ranch, potato/sweet potato/broc/caul mix w/ ghee & coconut oil
    Amazing how good W30 food always tastes after eating junk for awhile.
  22. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    I fell asleep (passed out) after I posted M1 ... slept until my phone dinged at me around 9:30 am ... woke up and promptly ate a banana, and made another cup of coffee.  I drink too much coffee - no news flash there.
    This is an atypical day, with the puppy waking me up so early, for sure.  Not a reason to dissolve into a pile of junk food, though.
  23. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from MadyVanilla in Like an Onion   
    Day 1 - unpacking my backpack
    {rummaging around} ... Let's see ... what all do I have in here?
    Too much to list.  
    I'm dumping it all out on the floor now, for a careful re-pack.
    ---
    My MIL is 66 years old, and as far as I can tell at this point - will be soon be leaving the tiny town, where she was born and has lived her entire life - to travel 795 miles, to come and live at our house.
    She is currently being evaluated at a mental health facility for at least a week.  What we have been told so far is: mild to moderate dementia.  There is a conference call scheduled for this afternoon with her care team, where they will share their findings and recommendations.  We've been told she cannot live alone when she leaves - she either needs to be with family, or in assisted living.
    She does not know this yet.
    She is convinced that she is going to get out & go stay with her 86-year-old mother again, who has been trying to care for her these past few weeks, since the paranoid delusions and hallucinations began ... or came to light.  Her mother has already stated that she cannot do it, which breaks her heart.  But she cannot.
    Perhaps I spent two years of my life in nursing school and became an RN for this moment right here.  That is what I have been telling myself.  Perhaps I worked 1200+ hours last year in long-term care ... for this moment, right here.  Because I do feel prepared ... I do have a pretty good idea of exactly what I am getting into.  I'm not scared.
    But you know what is scary?  The thought of ending up in the same boat, due to my lifestyle choices.
    Each day lately I've been going through the same infuriating cycle of starting out with the best of intentions, and then - "tomorrow I'll do this" and "tomorrow I'll do that".  What a load of crap.  
    Today IS tomorrow.  Time to get with the program.
  24. Like
    Brewer5 got a reaction from BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    THANKS @BabyBear ... I just got caught up on your journal ~ as you can see, with all of the "likes".    I don't think I am an over-liker ... I try hard to not like just for the sake of liking.  Lol.  Really, there is so much to like there.  You are making great progress.
    It's really as if there are two of us inside, isn't it?  And I'm sorry to see you struggle, while at the same time being so glad to know that it's not just me.  
    There is The Strong Me ... who knows that, along with the self-discipline in my food choices, comes the self-discipline in almost all other areas of my life.  That is needed, and I begin to feel so much more confident and happy overall.
    There is The Rebellious Me ... the one who gets so tired of thinking about all of it ... and leads me down a path of destruction.  That's not drama.  Each time she wins a battle - I'm taking the chance that she wins the war.
    I sit here and think, "Good Lord ... why am I talking about food with terms like "war" and "destruction"?
    And the answer that comes back to me:  "These things you've been eating are not food."
  25. Thanks
    Brewer5 reacted to BabyBear in Like an Onion   
    It will come, one day it will click and you will be off and running again.  Focus on the positive things you are doing for you.  We can do this. We can be better. We can have control.