kirkor

PS I've decided to make this my catch-all humor funny meme joke thread (and not sure why I spelled it "humour" in the title --- let's say it was a shoutout to @jmcbn)
 

Not quite worthy of it's own thread, but check this amazing satire: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/my-fully-optimized-life-allows-me-ample-time-to-optimize-yours#

I mean, as far as things go, snacking on Brussels sprouts is probably one of the least sketchy things you could do.  The fact that it's 10pm and you knew you weren't hungry kinda gives you the answer, yes?  But hey, some people would have dived in to a bowl of nuts and dried fruit in that situation, so by sticking with a veggie you are already a head above the crowd. Use it as an opportunity to learn about yourself.

This seems implausible.

This seems implausible.

I MADE SPAGHETTI SQUASH AND MEAT SAUCE! And it was delicious NSV !!!!

Forgive me Forum, for I have sinned. In the name of the hard-boiled eggs, and of the broccoli, and of the seltzer. My last confession was . . . ok, this is my first confession.
This is my first Whole30 and I am 6 days in. I don’t know how to bring this up tactfully, but I am fraught with sinful thoughts. There’s this – there’s this thing.
I am weak. I am jealous. I am lustful.
I knew a day, not so long ago, where I could turn to a special somebody in times of celebration, in times of sorrow, and in the minutia of everyday life, but I had to turn him away. Some relationships are too passionate to ever be tamed. Even though I don’t come home to him saying hi to me from our dining room table, I feel like I can still hear him calling my name.
It’s not that I don’t love him anymore. Our lives, our love is inextricably bound.
While I haven’t called him since starting Whole30, I think about him when I pull the covers up over my shoulders when I first wake up. I think about him when I’m furiously writing down last-minute notes before my Contracts class. I think about him when I’m pressing the lock button on my car keys when I can’t remember which floor of the parking garage I parked on.
I made a resolute promise to myself and to my friends that I wouldn’t even look him in the eye during this whole process, much less touch him. With each passing minute, I can see the embers getting closer to catching the wind and starting a wildfire, a fire beyond anyone’s control. The closer the sun gets to the horizon, the closer I can feel myself lunging to him.
How can I not think of him?
He is smooth.
He is robust.
He is creamy.
He is in the deli counter at Kroger.
He’s goat cheese.
I love you, goat cheese. I can’t be with you now, but in 24 days, we’ll be together again! I love our love, I don’t care what anyone says!
These are my impure thoughts.
I am sorry for these and all the sins of my past life
 
We give thanks to the Forum for She is good. For Her mercy endures forever.

What foods is he no longer eating due to being on Whole30 that you attribute to having kept the gout at bay?

PS I've decided to make this my catch-all humor funny meme joke thread (and not sure why I spelled it "humour" in the title --- let's say it was a shoutout to @jmcbn)
 

I've also never bought any fancy sauces or dates, they are not necessary at all.  (And I have easy access to them.)  I like looking at recipes for ideas, but I usually just put food on a plate like lady shanny.
For fats, it sounds you only like butter, so you probably need to make your own ghee.  If you don't have cheesecloth to strain, use coffee filters.  If you don't have those, just carefully pour off the liquid and leave the solids behind. (You'll lose a little bit of ghee by leaving it in the pan this way, but that's OK.)
I think it'd be worth trying a "light" or "extra-light" olive oil.  How much oil did you use and at what temperature were your roasting vegetables?  (I'd try, say, potatoes first.  Asparagus or green beans.)  Just enough olive oil to coat, salt and pepper to taste, roast somewhere between 350-400 for 20-35 min.  (Lower end for asparagus, upper end for potatoes.)  I cook a lot with olive oil and have never had to fish my food out of it, so I'm wondering if you're possibly putting on too much? 
Do you live in the type of rural area that has some local farms?  One of them might have tallow or other animal based cooking fats you can try.
You can make your own marinara sauce: Saute some onions and mushrooms, add a can of tomato paste and a can of diced tomatoes, add italian-ish spices like basil, thyme, oregano, parsley, etc. (and salt and pepper).
And now that you have that - put a cup of the marinara over chicken and bake until done.  Or add the chicken directly into the sauce and let it simmer until done.
Lady shanny is right that crockpots usually need some liquid - but not necessarily a "sauce."  A lot of vegetables release a fair bit of liquid, so that also works.  Onions+carrots+beef roast dry rubbed with some spices can make plenty of liquid on its own.  One of the easiest roasts I've ever done was a pork roast with a can of crushed pineapple on it.
How about a batch of chili?  Extremely flexible depending on what is available as far as type of meats and types of vegetables.
Also, don't fall into the idea of breakfast foods being one thing and lunches/dinners being another.  Breakfasts can be anything, not just eggs.  Good luck.
 

@NikayaSmith - from reading through your outline in all these posts it seems to me that the real problem isn't that you live in a rural area. We've already explained that you can do this by cooking protein, vegetables and adding fat. The real problem, to me, seems to be that you don't know how to cook without canned soups, sandwiches, pasta etc. Unfortunately we're not here to teach you how to cook outside of the folks who have given you a rundown on making your own ghee and how to roast vegetables etc. You do seem to have the internet so I would go searching for some basic cooking videos on how to roast meats and veggies.  On instagram, @primal_gourmet has tonnes of little vids on how to cook. Maybe you can't find every ingredient but you can learn the skills and then make substitutions.
All the things you listed that you can't find, you really don't need.  The stuff you can find? That's the stuff you need. Protein and vegetables and some good fats. Don't get hung up on all the details on how to do a perfect Whole30. Learn to season and bake meats with normal grocery store seasonings. Learn to roast vegetables or try steaming them. Make the ghee. If you are at a grocery store that sells peanut oil, I cannot fathom that they don't also sell a lighter olive oil which will have less of a "taste". Also you apparently have a grocery store that sells larabars so you're maybe not quite as "gas-station-only-remote" as we'd been thinking. 
I'd also like to say, with the most love for your described predicament: you're creating road blocks for yourself. Instead of looking at how you can make this work, you just keep describing all the ways it doesn't work because it doesn't fit in exactly how you used to eat/cook. 100% this is a departure from how you used to do it. That's kind of the point. If you are trying to cram Whole30 without cooking and without convenience foods into your old framework, it's probably not going to work.
Honestly, cabbage and baked chicken sounds dreadful. I wouldn't want to eat that either. Tuna and larabars sounds dreadful and unfulfilling (and eating 5 of them in one sitting is excessive). 2 hard boiled eggs for breakfast sounds awful. There's no prize for how spare you do whole30. You obviously have the internet, go online to Instagram and look at some of the accounts that have been posting to @whole30recipes. Yes, some of them will include things that you don't have, but try to expand your mind for ideas and make substitutions. Eat color. Cabbage, bare chicken, hard boiled eggs, tuna is all just so............beige. It's no wonder you're starving.  For THAT matter go to my @stuffonaplate instagram account. It's mine. Hosted by me and is literally food on a plate and everything except the first picture of the fish taco bowl, is Whole30 compliant. There is NOTHING fancy and I have never used store-bought sauces or dressings, I don't use dates or bacon or nut flours.  Go online and do some research to help yourself out.
Crockpotting does require some liquid. So use canned tomatoes. Or fattier cuts of meat and a dash of water. Or tomato paste mixed with water. And yes, crockpot takes long to cook.....which is why most people DO use it during the week. They can throw food in and let it cook while they are at work. 
 
 

I don't think you've offended people, I do think people genuinely want to be helpful, but sometimes tone is hard to pick up on in text form like this. No one is angry at you, we really are trying to offer you ideas. 
 
Be sure when you're cooking things on the stove that it's not too hot -- unless you're searing meat or boiling water, you'll probably never turn your stove above medium. 
Taste a little bit of your olive oil, just on its own. Does it taste okay? It'll be a little bit bitter, because olives are a little bitter, and may be what I think is called "pungent" meaning it will have a bit of -- not spiciness like jalapenos do, but kind of a little bit of a bite to it. Some oils have more of this, some less -- the one I buy is not super pungent, it is a little bitter, and the first word that I thought of when I tasted it just now to try to describe it is "fresh."  That's how a decent olive oil should taste if it's not rancid or off at all, but if you don't like the flavor of it, you're not going to like it on a lot of things. Scrambled eggs, for instance, do not have enough flavor on their own to really mask a really strong olive oil flavor, so depending on how much oil you used, that may be why you don't like them. And if the oil tastes at all rancid (it'll smell bad, and taste really super bitter), it's not good and you're just not going to get good food cooking with it. If you just really don't like olive oil, you could try a light olive oil, which won't have as strong a flavor, or see if your store has coconut oil or avocado oil at a price you're okay with and try one of those. 
Right now, it sounds like this is a huge change for you, and now might not be the best time to start your Whole30. It may really be a good idea for you to try out a few simple recipes first, before you commit to the full 30 days. You can use the time to sort out how to cook some basics, scope out things like alternative oils, compliant marinara sauces or salsas or other things that you may be able to find at your store, maybe even ask your store to stock something for you if there's something you really think will make your Whole30 better that you just can't get. 
If you still have some cabbage, try either this:  https://paleoleap.com/oven-roasted-garlic-cabbage/  or this if you have the spices she mentions:   https://meljoulwan.com/2017/09/11/roasted-cabbage-roses/ (just use olive oil instead of ghee).  In either case, if you only have part of the cabbage left, just reduce the amount of oil and spices, but cook it at the same temperature and same amount of time, although it's never a bad idea to keep an eye on things to make sure they don't burn.
Tell us what kinds of vegetables you like, or what you can get at your local store (fresh or frozen or even canned), what kinds of cuts of meat you can get, and let us see if we can help you come up with ways to prepare them. 
 
 

I live in a small town that only has a Kroger and Walmart and I refuse to order food online. I'm also a single mom on a tight budget and I'm not paying $10.00 for a bottle of $2.00 salad dressing. I've successfully completed three Whole30's in the past year. You don't need fancy sauces and a gourmet kitchen so you can prep 7 course organic meals. I promise. 
I don't like butter and have never really cooked with it (even my pre-Whole30 days). I cook with olive oil. So pork chops, eggs, etc. can be cooked in olive oil. People talk about the heat point of it and how other oils are better. Blah blah blah. I've never had any issue with olive oil. Any time I roast anything (meat, veggies, etc), I just drizzle it with olive oil, salt and pepper. I'm a big believer in "low and slow" so I typically set it at 350 and just keep an eye on it. 
This is a staple in my house: https://www.doyouevenpaleo.net/dutch-oven-shredded-chicken/  You don't even need a Dutch oven if you don't have one. I've used disposable aluminum pans covered with aluminum foil before and it still turned out perfect. That blog is also one of my favorites for recipes. Everything I've made has been simple but so delicious. Just learn the rules of Whole30 because not all of the recipes are compliant but can usually be adjusted.  
A lot of recipes I use do call for ghee (tastes so much better than regular butter) so I make my own. I buy organic butter when it's on sale for the same price as non-organic. I couldn't find cheesecloth locally so I did have to purchase that on Amazon. It was only like $4.00 though and has lasted me over six months. This is the recipe I use for ghee:  https://wellnessmama.com/24267/make-ghee/
I have found an extra low sodium by Starkist that is compliant and the same price as the other tuna. Just make sure you read the label - mine reads "tuna, water, sea salt". It shouldn't have anything else in it. The place that you bought your tuna might even let you exchange it. I've been able to that that before at both Walmart and Kroger when I've grabbed the wrong item. 
You can do it and you don't have to do it fancy and you don't have to do it expensive. 

Public Service Announcement: 
The group threads in this section of the forum can be extremely fast moving and as such, the volunteer moderators have a hard time keeping up with reading the hundreds of posts that go whizzing by.
That said, if you are struggling or something doesn't seem right or you need some specific help, please create a new post in the Troubleshooting Your Whole30 portion of the forum. Make the title of your post as specific as possible to assist in getting a response sooner. For example, titling your post "Can't Break the 3pm Slump!" rather than just "Someone Please Help!" makes it quicker for the moderators to understand and assist you. 
The moderators try to get to everything and we appreciate your patience but members following this outline is one of the ways that you can help us to help you!

Nah, that's the beauty of the "clean slate" that's created after 30 days of elimination.  You aren't automatically going to have a negative reaction just because you've avoided something for 30 days. It carageenan makes you itchy, or soy makes your fingernails hurt, that's going to be a specific thing you're going to want to take note of.  We can all "get used to" stuff and have a "new normal" --- that's why people who move from Oregon to Nevada all of a sudden report stuff like "holy crap, I can breathe better!"  If they just lived in Nevada for 30 days, then moved back to Oregon, well, sure, after 30 days in Oregon they probably wouldn't be conscious of the fact that their sinuses are all clogged up from mildew and whatever, but that doesn't mean Oregon is a friend to them.

Be sure to take the time to acknowledge your accomplishment thus far. Give yourself the victory, so to speak.

 

Not quite worthy of it's own thread, but check this amazing satire: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/my-fully-optimized-life-allows-me-ample-time-to-optimize-yours#

This is a beautiful thread.

Not quite worthy of it's own thread, but check this amazing satire: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/my-fully-optimized-life-allows-me-ample-time-to-optimize-yours#