petitemortuaire

Members
  • Content Count

    119
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Reputation Activity

  1. Like
    petitemortuaire reacted to heb2014 in Anew in Arkansas (My first WHOLE30)   
    This is my first WHOLE30 and I just wanted a space where I can record some thoughts (whether anyone reads them or not)
     
    My WHY:  I feel like crap. I live with constant brain fog that I blame on being a mother of two young children (5 y.o. and almost 2 y.o.) and that it's hit or miss if my almost 2 year old will sleep through the night. I pretend that  my sleep being interrupted is the reason I can't lose weight, but being honest, I eat like crap. It's the food and my lack of control around it. And my lack of motivation - about everything - work, exercise, eating smaller portions. To make things even worse, I've been sick for about two week's now (I have been to the doctor) and I feel even more foggy than normal...and I just feel off - heavy - not like "myself" (which I used to also blame on the "new normal" after becoming a mom, but it's worse now. I don't buy that any more - something else is going on). Yes I would love to lose some weight or reconfigure my body to be less giggly/more muscular...but this isn't about that. I feel like crap. 
     
    A bunch of IF/THEN planning (from Whole30 Day by Day plus my own):
    IF I am stuck at work late/in traffic/at the game, THEN I'll...have some snacks handy. Better stock my desk/bag/car. (more realistic situation) IF I don't feel like cooking one night (even my "easy backup plan" meals, THEN I'll...ask my husband to help our or we'll go to Chipotle (or Newks or Slim Chickens might be easy with a little customization - like a salad with no cheese, croutons, and BYO dressing). I should also make a meal to keep in the freezer for quick use. IF I'm at happy hour and offered a drink, Then I'll...say no thanks; I can deal. The bigger surprise would be that I go to a happy hour (ha!). (the harder situation for me) IF I am invited to someone's house for dinner and offered something non-compliant, THEN I'll...say no thanks and be ready to explain why. A drink I can say no to, no problem; even desert I can say no to. A meal would be harder. I think my best bet is to bring a compliant dish to share so I know I could eat something...and then be prepared to explain why I am only eating what I brought.   Ideas for dishes to bring: homemade baba ganoush or guacamole with veggies for dipping, salad and dressing, meatballs, chicken salad, fruit salad (probably not the best to just eat fruit) IF there's nothing compliant at the party, THEN I'll...(realistically) probably shove my face full of non-compliant food; better plan to not stay long! There's always the option to eat before or after, but I know if I am there, I will be tempted, regardless of plans. I can probably hold out for a little while, and perhaps without a glass of wine, I could make it (yes, let's blame the alcohol for all the poor choices), but knowing myself, I would need to remove myself from the temptation, at least in this one situation (introvert, "needing" to fit in around people I don't know at a party) IF my friends tease me about my "crazy diet", THEN I'll...find new friends. Just kidding - I just don't see this being a problem. Guess I should prepare in case I'm wrong.  I will tell them about how awful I've been feeling and that's it's just an experiment for 30 days that could help the rest of my life. I'll tell them I'll let them know how it goes when it's over. IF the in-laws want to have us over for dinner and make something non-compliant, THEN I'll...likely eat as small a portion as I can get away with. If it's a side dish, dessert,  or accompaniment (like FIL's amazing homemade bread), I can manage to not eat it, but if it's something more like the whole meal, as an obliger and this being my in-laws, I'm in trouble. I think my best strategy in this case would be to offer to cook for them at our house (control freak much!). IF we go to my parents' house for a weekend visit, THEN I'll...talk to them about how we're eating and ask to help with the meal planning/cooking (because my mom sends me the meal plan regardless). I know this is how I should be with my in-laws also, but realistically, it's just different. I should probably give it a try with them too though... If a rep brings lunch for our office (as is the case from time to time), THEN I'll....find something compliant if given the option to chose my order; if not, then I'll bring a back up lunch and eat it if what they bring doesn't comply. The people at work know I'm doing this (yay for going public!) and I think they'll be supportive.  IF my husband falls off the wagon, THEN I'll..continue on without him. My WHY isn't affected by him and he's really only doing this because I asked him. (tougher situation) IF my husband falls off the wagon and is eating ALL THE THINGS (specifically late at night like he does now), THEN I'll...make some hot tea and have a piece of fruit at most. Or go to bed. This will only feel a little depressing if he's gone out and bought Nestle Drumsticks for him and the kids....but I think he'll be more supportive than that even if he doesn't complete the Whole30. (another tough one) IF I don't start feeling any different or notice any changes, THEN I'll...likely need some outside motivation. Just knowing myself, I like to see results. 30 days really isn't that long, but if I read something in Day by Day that says "You should see improvements to your brain fog by now" and I haven't....it would make me want to eat all the things. If I still feel this "heavy" on Day 21...I'll need support. Perhaps I should plan to not wait until day 30 to evaluate my NSV, but purposefully run down the list on Day 10 and Day 20. If I am stressed out about something, THEN I'll...go for a walk. If I don't have much time, I'll do some stretching and breathing...or maybe some squats. If I don't have much privacy, I'll go to the bathroom and do them. And because it's September...IF I am craving a Pumpkin Spice Latte, THEN I'll...tough it out and plan to drink one first thing after reintroduction. Making a compliant version would be SWYPO for me...and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be as good as the sugar-laden, whipped cream topped version. But just some random thoughts on SWYPO...why isn't riced cauliflower SWYPO? I mean it's sole purpose is to replace an off-limits food. Especially when you use it to make something like "fried rice" which I would say is extremely easy to over indulge.   
    This brain dump got extremely long. Kudos (or apologies?) if you took the time to read it all.
  2. Like
    petitemortuaire reacted to Angelia in Whole180   
    Almost 10 years ago I did this same thing for too long with beer.  I would make this big to-do over sitting down to relax, watch a little TV and have a beer.  Which often became 2 or 3 and almost became a problem.  And it helped me to avoid (not manage) family stress and added to my weight problem.  When I finally took a look at this problem I realized - I can sit down and watch TV whenever I want to, I don't have to be drinking a beer to do it!  So basic.  But it was one of the early steps in the right direction for me! 
  3. Like
    petitemortuaire got a reaction from Angelia in Whole180   
    Day 3 (9/17/19)
    M1: three eggs + roasted bell pepper and eggplant hash + pea shoots + crispy trout skin + avocado oil + salt M2: pan-seared trout + avocado oil + rosemary + salt + lemon juice + pea shoots + sungold tomato + green olives + green beans + lemon zest + olive oil M3: pork shoulder + garlic + salt + arugula + sungold tomato + + red bell pepper + cholula + green olives Had a BM this morning upon waking. It was relatively loose and pretty dark, same as yesterday.i struggled with sugar cravings at work and almost instinctively reached my hand into the communal candy bowl for a mid-afternoon treat while walking past it, but was able to continue on without it. Last night, while falling asleep, I dreamt of accidentally eating cookies and felt so guilty!
    One of my big fears in committing to this process is being so mindless about my eating that I accidentally eat something non-compliant. But that’s one of the habits im trying to work on: mindless eating. It’s been helping to avoid eating meals while watching television (a common practice of K and I). Eating only three sustaining meals per day (vs. constantly grazing on/overeating whatever food is around) is also helping a ton. Eating at work has been a real challenge for me over the last three years. There’s always some kind of treat in the back office for folx to share and I always take a LOT. It feels instinctual. It’s like there’s a voice inside me that says “take a lot and eat it all… you never know when you’ll get food again.” I know that this is a human instinct that actually served a purpose at one point in history, but I think the impulse to eat whatever food is available has intensified in me for a few reasons:
    I grew up in a household where I was not allowed to leave the kitchen table until I’d finished all of my meal. I was literally not allowed to stop eating when my satiety cues said it was time to. As a result, I often don’t know how to recognize or listen to my body’s satiety signals, and usually feel compelled to finish whatever I’ve put on my plate, even if I recognize before eating it that I’m not even hungry for it. Often, even as I’m preparing a snack, I’ll think “im not hungry for this,” but eat it anyway because I’ve already gone through the effort of taking it out and plating it. If I don’t finish the food I front of me, I feel intense guilt. I'd rather eat when I’m not hungry, beyond the point of fullness, than put something back or throw it away. My anxiety often presented as nausea and intense vomit phobia, so whenever I was hungry enough to eat (or not even hungry, but calm enough to stomach eating without worrying that I’d throw up), I would eat whatever I could. In grad school, I would use eating as an excuse to avoid doing academic work (“If I’m in the middle of eating, I can’t work on that paper,”etc.). To prolong my procrastination, I’d end up bingeing; eating for an extraordinary length of time, beyond the point of feeling full. Looking back, I can recognize this as a misguided attempt to numb my emotions and avoid the discomfort and stress that came with grad school. I continued this pattern of eating as avoidance of feeling/responsibility nearly every day. I still do it. The responsibilities and feelings I’m trying to avoid have changed over time,  it th coping strategy remains the same. Well, that’s probably enough self-analysis for tonight. None of these insights are new, actually. Knowing them has only rarely helped me out of the that unhelpful pattern. I’m hoping that, through this process, I’ll be able to dig a little deeper, uncover what’s left to be understood, and work towards healing in a more significant way.
  4. Like
    petitemortuaire reacted to heb2014 in Whole180   
    My mindless eating shows up a little differently, but I get you! This experiment has definitely shown me how much I was doing. I didn't realize how often I would eat a bite(s) of what my kids were snacking on, finish their dinners when they didn't,  or lick the top of their yogurt container lid before throwing it away. I thought treats at work would be hard too, but I've noticed I need to stop and think before automatically popping something in my mouth. I can see how this will be a good habit to develop, Whole30 and beyond.  if I had to pick a word to describe my first two weeks, it would be "consciousness" or "mindfulness".
    And I'm glad you shared that comment about being forced to finish dinner. As a parent, I pretty much question everything I'm doing (though you'd never admit that to your kids). It's hard to distinguish sometimes whether my kids just don't want to eat what I cooked or if they are legitimately full/not hungry. Regardless, if they've eaten a reasonable amount, we don't force them to finish everything on their plate (and we also try not to give them snacks after dinner so that they learn dinner is the last meal and they need to eat if they are hungry).  Long rambling, but I guess what I've learned is to give them small portions and they can always have more if needed. I know "seconds" is generally frowned upon in dieting mentalities, but I think if you're trying to work on that guilty feeling/need to finish the food on your plate, it might worth a try and help you listen to your hunger signals (though I know you mentioned it in context to mindless eating...not necessarily meals)
  5. Like
    petitemortuaire got a reaction from Amura in Whole180   
    Almost five years later and I’m back again.
    Four and a half years ago I successfully completed a Whole100 (read the whole thread here).  I was able to off-road successfully for a while afterward, but starting in 2016, habitual eating patterns crept back in. In the three and a half years that followed, I gained 50 lbs, reached the heaviest weight I’ve ever been at, and relapsed HARD i terms of emotional eating and using food as a way to cope with distress. Thinking back, I can identify a number of factors that contributed to this:
    I stopped journaling about my experience. Quite simply, without logging my experience and taking the time each day to reflect on my eating behaviors, I lost a sense of accountability and got better at rationalizing unhelpful choices.  I stopped having daily check-ins with my best friend and accountability buddy, M, who introduced me to the Whole30 in 2013. M and I had done the Whole100 together and kept in touch about it daily. Without that extra layer of support and accountability, I experienced a backslide into unhelpful behaviors.  I went vegetarian. Since 2015, I’ve been dating (and am now engaged to!) K, who returned to a vegetarian diet in 2016. I learned more about vegetarianism and decided to transition to a vegetarian diet for a few reasons: Ecological impact/global warming/sustainability Ethical treatment of animals Apparent promise that eating vegetarian would lead to better health Desire to lose weight that I gained since stopping my Whole100 When I switched to a vegetarian diet and cut a main source of fuel from my meals (animal protein), a returned to eating dairy. From my Whole100 reintroductions, I KNEW that dairy would fuck me up, but I ate it anyway (because what else do you eat if you’re vegetarian??). Of course, I started gaining weight and experienced a resurgence of acne (which I struggled with severely as a teen). After a few months, I got frustrated with this and decided to cut out dairy completely to lose the extra weight I had gained and calm my breakouts.  I went vegan. After cutting out dairy for a few months, I decided that I was close enough to vegan to just go for it full force. But with cutting out eggs came eating more grains and legumes, and predictably, more weight gain.  I could only sustain veganism for about six more months and have since struggled to find a way of eating that fits my values and my body’s needs.  I experienced significant mental health concerns, trauma, and stress. In 2016-2017, my anxiety disorders and depression reached peak severity. This came about as a result of moving away from my support system to complete my doctoral degree and learning to navigate a relationship with K, an alcoholic. During this year I also worked a full time job and drove 12 hours every weekend. I constantly ate on the road and chose convenience/processed foods over food that I prepared. Since 2017, I’ve been working a highly stressful and emotionally taxing job as a therapist (note: the stress is related to the institution I work for, not the profession itself) and studying to become a licensed psychologist.  I returned to emotional eating. To deal with the stress of my job, my relationship, and my doctoral program, I relied on food to soothe me. This is a deeply-rooted pattern I’ve had since childhood. I started Prozac. I’m super grateful to therapy, 12-step meetings, and Prozac for helping me get my anxiety and depression in check. However, Prozac essentially eliminated my satiety signals. Emotional eating + eating no satiety signals = lots of weight gain. I joined a weight loss study. Through the study, we had to log all of our calories and weigh ourselves every day. I cannot emphasize enough how much this kind of self-monitoring fucked me up. I already knew from experience that this approach does not work for me, but I was desperate to feel healthier and was not ready to give up vegetarianism. I dropped out of the study early and ended up emotionally eating even more than when I started.  Archetypically and psychologically, I’m a nurturer.  I tend to over-source my self-worth from the act of nurturing others (I am worthy because of how I help you”). When out of balance, this psychological schema shows up in two ways: Over-identification with the schema (e.g., difficulty saying “no” to others, going along with something I don’t want to do to avoid rocking the boat, poor self-care, desire to control others).  In a major way, this led to me going with what helped the planet and aligned with my partner’s way of being (vegetarianism) despite evidence that this approach to eating was not supporting my health. Withdrawal from the schema (e.g., abdicating responsibility to others, abdicating responsibility to self, complete lack of self-control). This often showed up as eating foods and quantities of foods that were unhealthy for me because I was too emotionally exhausted to care.  My weight and health have been deprioritized, but I’m ready to make a change. I’m choosing to do a Whole180 (rather than a Whole30 or Whole100) for a few reasons:
    The last time I felt healthy and strong was when I was working my Whole100. I know from experience that eating this way is what supports my health best. 100 days was not enough to change my relationship with food. The biggest hurdle for me is my sense of self-worth and the ways that it impacts my relationship with/use of food.  The foods that are eliminated during the Whole30 tend to be my trigger foods and those that I eat emotionally. Going for 180 days (at least) will give me the time I need to work towards changing my behaviors around food AND my psychology around food.  Factors supporting the success of my Whole180:
    I accept that my relationship with food and the way I use it needs to change for good.  I accept that I am not, and will never be a “moderator” when it comes to using food. I’m 100% an abstainer.  I’m keeping a log here, which helps keep me accountable. I’m keeping in touch with M, who understands the process.  K is on board.  K is actually OK with eating some meat. He understands that what works for him and his body (naturally slender) does not work for me or mine. We’ve been able to come to an agreement about sourcing animal protein: it comes directly from the humane farms near us or not at all. My psychological health is a major focus this time. So, as of yesterday (9/15/19), I started my Whole180. I’ll be here, updating regularly. Very likely daily. I’ll log my meals, recipes, BMs (my favorite and most reliable indicator of health), and insights, especially as they relate to my psychological relationship with food. I’m nervous and excited for the months ahead.
    Starting stats:
    Age: 29 Height: 5’2” Weight: 209.6 lbs Bust: 44” Waist: 37” Hips: 50” Upper arm: 18” Upper thigh: 30”
  6. Like
    petitemortuaire reacted to heb2014 in Whole180   
    Welcome back!  
    I know I have more to learn from you, since you've completed a Whole100 (!!!) and I'm only on Day 16 of my first Whole30, but I just shared some struggles of having a partner who is "on board" on my latest post (Anew in Arkansas on the YourWhole30 Log board). IF/THEN planning has been extremely helpful and I would highly encourage it for any situations you can think of that could get a little complicated. 
     
  7. Like
    petitemortuaire got a reaction from Angelia in Whole180   
    Almost five years later and I’m back again.
    Four and a half years ago I successfully completed a Whole100 (read the whole thread here).  I was able to off-road successfully for a while afterward, but starting in 2016, habitual eating patterns crept back in. In the three and a half years that followed, I gained 50 lbs, reached the heaviest weight I’ve ever been at, and relapsed HARD i terms of emotional eating and using food as a way to cope with distress. Thinking back, I can identify a number of factors that contributed to this:
    I stopped journaling about my experience. Quite simply, without logging my experience and taking the time each day to reflect on my eating behaviors, I lost a sense of accountability and got better at rationalizing unhelpful choices.  I stopped having daily check-ins with my best friend and accountability buddy, M, who introduced me to the Whole30 in 2013. M and I had done the Whole100 together and kept in touch about it daily. Without that extra layer of support and accountability, I experienced a backslide into unhelpful behaviors.  I went vegetarian. Since 2015, I’ve been dating (and am now engaged to!) K, who returned to a vegetarian diet in 2016. I learned more about vegetarianism and decided to transition to a vegetarian diet for a few reasons: Ecological impact/global warming/sustainability Ethical treatment of animals Apparent promise that eating vegetarian would lead to better health Desire to lose weight that I gained since stopping my Whole100 When I switched to a vegetarian diet and cut a main source of fuel from my meals (animal protein), a returned to eating dairy. From my Whole100 reintroductions, I KNEW that dairy would fuck me up, but I ate it anyway (because what else do you eat if you’re vegetarian??). Of course, I started gaining weight and experienced a resurgence of acne (which I struggled with severely as a teen). After a few months, I got frustrated with this and decided to cut out dairy completely to lose the extra weight I had gained and calm my breakouts.  I went vegan. After cutting out dairy for a few months, I decided that I was close enough to vegan to just go for it full force. But with cutting out eggs came eating more grains and legumes, and predictably, more weight gain.  I could only sustain veganism for about six more months and have since struggled to find a way of eating that fits my values and my body’s needs.  I experienced significant mental health concerns, trauma, and stress. In 2016-2017, my anxiety disorders and depression reached peak severity. This came about as a result of moving away from my support system to complete my doctoral degree and learning to navigate a relationship with K, an alcoholic. During this year I also worked a full time job and drove 12 hours every weekend. I constantly ate on the road and chose convenience/processed foods over food that I prepared. Since 2017, I’ve been working a highly stressful and emotionally taxing job as a therapist (note: the stress is related to the institution I work for, not the profession itself) and studying to become a licensed psychologist.  I returned to emotional eating. To deal with the stress of my job, my relationship, and my doctoral program, I relied on food to soothe me. This is a deeply-rooted pattern I’ve had since childhood. I started Prozac. I’m super grateful to therapy, 12-step meetings, and Prozac for helping me get my anxiety and depression in check. However, Prozac essentially eliminated my satiety signals. Emotional eating + eating no satiety signals = lots of weight gain. I joined a weight loss study. Through the study, we had to log all of our calories and weigh ourselves every day. I cannot emphasize enough how much this kind of self-monitoring fucked me up. I already knew from experience that this approach does not work for me, but I was desperate to feel healthier and was not ready to give up vegetarianism. I dropped out of the study early and ended up emotionally eating even more than when I started.  Archetypically and psychologically, I’m a nurturer.  I tend to over-source my self-worth from the act of nurturing others (I am worthy because of how I help you”). When out of balance, this psychological schema shows up in two ways: Over-identification with the schema (e.g., difficulty saying “no” to others, going along with something I don’t want to do to avoid rocking the boat, poor self-care, desire to control others).  In a major way, this led to me going with what helped the planet and aligned with my partner’s way of being (vegetarianism) despite evidence that this approach to eating was not supporting my health. Withdrawal from the schema (e.g., abdicating responsibility to others, abdicating responsibility to self, complete lack of self-control). This often showed up as eating foods and quantities of foods that were unhealthy for me because I was too emotionally exhausted to care.  My weight and health have been deprioritized, but I’m ready to make a change. I’m choosing to do a Whole180 (rather than a Whole30 or Whole100) for a few reasons:
    The last time I felt healthy and strong was when I was working my Whole100. I know from experience that eating this way is what supports my health best. 100 days was not enough to change my relationship with food. The biggest hurdle for me is my sense of self-worth and the ways that it impacts my relationship with/use of food.  The foods that are eliminated during the Whole30 tend to be my trigger foods and those that I eat emotionally. Going for 180 days (at least) will give me the time I need to work towards changing my behaviors around food AND my psychology around food.  Factors supporting the success of my Whole180:
    I accept that my relationship with food and the way I use it needs to change for good.  I accept that I am not, and will never be a “moderator” when it comes to using food. I’m 100% an abstainer.  I’m keeping a log here, which helps keep me accountable. I’m keeping in touch with M, who understands the process.  K is on board.  K is actually OK with eating some meat. He understands that what works for him and his body (naturally slender) does not work for me or mine. We’ve been able to come to an agreement about sourcing animal protein: it comes directly from the humane farms near us or not at all. My psychological health is a major focus this time. So, as of yesterday (9/15/19), I started my Whole180. I’ll be here, updating regularly. Very likely daily. I’ll log my meals, recipes, BMs (my favorite and most reliable indicator of health), and insights, especially as they relate to my psychological relationship with food. I’m nervous and excited for the months ahead.
    Starting stats:
    Age: 29 Height: 5’2” Weight: 209.6 lbs Bust: 44” Waist: 37” Hips: 50” Upper arm: 18” Upper thigh: 30”
  8. Thanks
    petitemortuaire reacted to MadyVanilla in Whole180   
    Like you, I took a 5-year hiatus and gained 50-pounds (Day 1 for me was 9/12).  Unlike you, I haven't done the level of self-reflection that is needed to successfully change my habits.  I'm looking forward to reading about your journey and learning from your struggles and successes.  It sounds like you are off to a great start!  
  9. Like
    petitemortuaire got a reaction from heb2014 in Whole180   
    Almost five years later and I’m back again.
    Four and a half years ago I successfully completed a Whole100 (read the whole thread here).  I was able to off-road successfully for a while afterward, but starting in 2016, habitual eating patterns crept back in. In the three and a half years that followed, I gained 50 lbs, reached the heaviest weight I’ve ever been at, and relapsed HARD i terms of emotional eating and using food as a way to cope with distress. Thinking back, I can identify a number of factors that contributed to this:
    I stopped journaling about my experience. Quite simply, without logging my experience and taking the time each day to reflect on my eating behaviors, I lost a sense of accountability and got better at rationalizing unhelpful choices.  I stopped having daily check-ins with my best friend and accountability buddy, M, who introduced me to the Whole30 in 2013. M and I had done the Whole100 together and kept in touch about it daily. Without that extra layer of support and accountability, I experienced a backslide into unhelpful behaviors.  I went vegetarian. Since 2015, I’ve been dating (and am now engaged to!) K, who returned to a vegetarian diet in 2016. I learned more about vegetarianism and decided to transition to a vegetarian diet for a few reasons: Ecological impact/global warming/sustainability Ethical treatment of animals Apparent promise that eating vegetarian would lead to better health Desire to lose weight that I gained since stopping my Whole100 When I switched to a vegetarian diet and cut a main source of fuel from my meals (animal protein), a returned to eating dairy. From my Whole100 reintroductions, I KNEW that dairy would fuck me up, but I ate it anyway (because what else do you eat if you’re vegetarian??). Of course, I started gaining weight and experienced a resurgence of acne (which I struggled with severely as a teen). After a few months, I got frustrated with this and decided to cut out dairy completely to lose the extra weight I had gained and calm my breakouts.  I went vegan. After cutting out dairy for a few months, I decided that I was close enough to vegan to just go for it full force. But with cutting out eggs came eating more grains and legumes, and predictably, more weight gain.  I could only sustain veganism for about six more months and have since struggled to find a way of eating that fits my values and my body’s needs.  I experienced significant mental health concerns, trauma, and stress. In 2016-2017, my anxiety disorders and depression reached peak severity. This came about as a result of moving away from my support system to complete my doctoral degree and learning to navigate a relationship with K, an alcoholic. During this year I also worked a full time job and drove 12 hours every weekend. I constantly ate on the road and chose convenience/processed foods over food that I prepared. Since 2017, I’ve been working a highly stressful and emotionally taxing job as a therapist (note: the stress is related to the institution I work for, not the profession itself) and studying to become a licensed psychologist.  I returned to emotional eating. To deal with the stress of my job, my relationship, and my doctoral program, I relied on food to soothe me. This is a deeply-rooted pattern I’ve had since childhood. I started Prozac. I’m super grateful to therapy, 12-step meetings, and Prozac for helping me get my anxiety and depression in check. However, Prozac essentially eliminated my satiety signals. Emotional eating + eating no satiety signals = lots of weight gain. I joined a weight loss study. Through the study, we had to log all of our calories and weigh ourselves every day. I cannot emphasize enough how much this kind of self-monitoring fucked me up. I already knew from experience that this approach does not work for me, but I was desperate to feel healthier and was not ready to give up vegetarianism. I dropped out of the study early and ended up emotionally eating even more than when I started.  Archetypically and psychologically, I’m a nurturer.  I tend to over-source my self-worth from the act of nurturing others (I am worthy because of how I help you”). When out of balance, this psychological schema shows up in two ways: Over-identification with the schema (e.g., difficulty saying “no” to others, going along with something I don’t want to do to avoid rocking the boat, poor self-care, desire to control others).  In a major way, this led to me going with what helped the planet and aligned with my partner’s way of being (vegetarianism) despite evidence that this approach to eating was not supporting my health. Withdrawal from the schema (e.g., abdicating responsibility to others, abdicating responsibility to self, complete lack of self-control). This often showed up as eating foods and quantities of foods that were unhealthy for me because I was too emotionally exhausted to care.  My weight and health have been deprioritized, but I’m ready to make a change. I’m choosing to do a Whole180 (rather than a Whole30 or Whole100) for a few reasons:
    The last time I felt healthy and strong was when I was working my Whole100. I know from experience that eating this way is what supports my health best. 100 days was not enough to change my relationship with food. The biggest hurdle for me is my sense of self-worth and the ways that it impacts my relationship with/use of food.  The foods that are eliminated during the Whole30 tend to be my trigger foods and those that I eat emotionally. Going for 180 days (at least) will give me the time I need to work towards changing my behaviors around food AND my psychology around food.  Factors supporting the success of my Whole180:
    I accept that my relationship with food and the way I use it needs to change for good.  I accept that I am not, and will never be a “moderator” when it comes to using food. I’m 100% an abstainer.  I’m keeping a log here, which helps keep me accountable. I’m keeping in touch with M, who understands the process.  K is on board.  K is actually OK with eating some meat. He understands that what works for him and his body (naturally slender) does not work for me or mine. We’ve been able to come to an agreement about sourcing animal protein: it comes directly from the humane farms near us or not at all. My psychological health is a major focus this time. So, as of yesterday (9/15/19), I started my Whole180. I’ll be here, updating regularly. Very likely daily. I’ll log my meals, recipes, BMs (my favorite and most reliable indicator of health), and insights, especially as they relate to my psychological relationship with food. I’m nervous and excited for the months ahead.
    Starting stats:
    Age: 29 Height: 5’2” Weight: 209.6 lbs Bust: 44” Waist: 37” Hips: 50” Upper arm: 18” Upper thigh: 30”