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Found 1 result

  1. driedMAngo

    Day 15 and I'm about to QUIT.

    WARNING: This is a pessimistic rant, and can be triggering. I don't mean to be dramatic about quitting. But, I feel like this challenge is stressing me out. Before this challenge: I've been on and off diets, gained and lost weight, and a horrible tendency to "harm myself" by eating until I get sick. I've been compliant for the last 15 days in this challenge by the foods I eat- but I either eat too much or too little. The Whole 30 Day by Day book has been a helpful tool. Every day it literally was telling me what I needed to hear. I honestly think that's why I've made it this far. But. I keep looking in the mirror every morning and night...and feel disgusted about my physical appearance. And because I'm disgusting, I might as well stuff myself with cheesecake, chocolate, cinnamon rolls, and chips. First couple of days in the challenge I was super hopeful. My husband cheered me on whenever I tell him some of the many challenges I've encountered. On Days 7-9, I felt bad for him because I was super hangry. To be honest, I have depression and eating has always been my go to. Food has and continues to be there for me. Yes, I have an unhealthy relationship with food. That's why I wanted to start this Whole 30 challenge. I want and need to be in control. Not let food "comfort" me until I feel sick to my stomach. Last couple of nights, I've brushed my teeth after finishing my dinner so I wouldn't give in and try to go to sleep immediately after. But tonight, I stuffed my face with dried mangos until I felt sick. I know it's wrong, but I can't control it. I feel like I'll never be good enough to jump over this hurdle of mine. During the day I'm fine with the cravings and urges because I'm at work and keeping myself distracted. 15 days. Some days were amazing, but very few. It was satisfying and difficult to tell my co-worker no 5 times that I didn't want to taste her homemade cheesecake until she finally backed down. The office I work in shared the same room where we had a potluck filled with smothered fries, wings, candy, fries, cheesecake...and did I mention fries? I literally cried as I munched on my chomp turkey meat stick and had to go elsewhere to finish my work. I've started seeing a therapist to help me work on my coping skills, however, we're in the beginning stages so right now not super helpful. Maybe I didn't start the Whole 30 at the right time? I should've waited until my therapist and I get towards the "action stage" of therapy? Because right now. I'm. a. mess. My therapist comforted me by saying that yes, I'm a mess- but I'm doing something about it, and it will take time. I guess I just really want to know if I'm alone feeling this? and if anyone stopped in the middle of the challenge and started it again later?