Groan... Depression, Denial, Excuses... oh my...

[Jessica M.]

7:30 AM                          Couple of baby carrots while packing some lunch
 
8:00 AM in the car          Small yellow apple. Small plum.
 
8:30 AM at work              4 slices of Applegate Farms pepperoni, 2 hard boiled eggs. Mug of coffee with a little sugar  (addict) and some organic half and half (whoopee, organic)
 
10:30 or so at desk         More coffee with cream and sugar. Mentally I pat myself on the back that it is a tiny bit of sugar compared to what I used to take. and it's not Splenda. But then my other self says IT'S SUGAR AND YOU HAVE TO STOP HAVING SUGAR TO REACH YOUR GOALS!
  
1:00 PM at my desk        Several handfuls of baby spinach wilted in microwave with a little coconut oil and topped with leftover taco meat with olives and non-friendly seasonings (but it was ready to go and I was not). Half of a small avocado. 

 

Head is pounding again. Makes me want that Coke Zero. Not gonna do it. Going to leave all my  coins at home too, so I just CAN'T do it even if I want to. Out of coffee now. Need to leave it be. Though tried to n ot have coffee the past few days and it did not help my head at all. 

[Nadia B]

Ok, you have at least several readers who wish you to succeed! I am one of them. I hate to see you struggle.  

 

I love the persistence you are coming back with here. This is big, good girl. As we all said here, don't overwhelm yourself with NO and STOP. Pick one at a time. For example no grains = they are like eating nails to your stomach. It will help with blood sugar level. Imagine eating a piece of bread does same thing as 6 tBsp of sugar. No joke. That's good enough as a first victory.

 

Looking at your log no wonder you crave food if that's how you eat. I am sorry if it's harsh. But where is protein for breakfast? Fat? Meal in general? How do you expect your body to cooperate if you are not being kind to eat? Basically you threw some food and started digestion, your tummy expects food. Aaaand it's not coming. Then you eat fruits = carbs. Blood sugar is getting high again. No food is coming again. Coffee = apetite supressant and gut irritant. And sugar. Crush and headache and no will power to resist the craving for more sweet "fast carbs". Agreed? More to read why cows graze and predators eat full meal and rest. I think you'll like this read.

 

Coffee is messing with your sleep too, you know it. It's a circle. I know it's so damned hard. I was b***hing on this forum forever how I can never quit coffee. It's doable. Better sleep is worth it. 

 

I love Paleo coach. Tough love and every word is true. Hope his method with picturing a scale with "yum" and benefits will help. 

 

As for planning - it is real key. Stock up your desk at work. I like this matrix. I get that you are a Mom with job in the middle of renovating nightmare. Still, it's doable, don't let yourself doubt your abilities. 

 

Cheers! Don't drink Coke. Just don't. 

[Carlaccini]

Hi Jessica,

 

It pains me to here you beat yourself up.  We are our own hardest critics sometimes.  I'm going through this as well.  What you see in the mirror or on the podcast is not what I see on your posted pictures.  I see a pretty lady with rather a beautiful smile.  So don't sell yourself short.

 

You have done a whole 30 (45) and you have an idea on what foods make you feel better and what doesn't.  So rather than beat yourself about things - tell your brain to stop and that "I chose to have X". Stop the discussion, stop the the inner debate.  Because the decision you made was a choice.  Try to stop the justification as well as it is the guilt talking.   I refuse to have my food choices making me feel guilty all the time.  Take a trip to the store or to a friends house - but do not take a trip where guilt is.  It is not helpful or healthy.

 

As a side bar - I can go on on how much I hate my legs, or my belly, or my arms.  But you know what I will never in a million years be a size zero.  This is fact.  It is the way I am built.  I have lost 30 lbs in 1 year and only gone down 1 dress size.  (I find this is especially frustrating if you hear others losing the same amount of weight and going down 6 dress sizes)  I will never have long legs.  I have hams for legs.  Another fact.  But you know what?  They are strong.  And I think I will eventually come to love them.  I am *starting* to like them.  Same thing with my arms.  But you know what all of these "imperfections" they are mine.  I need to accept this too. 

 

My hat is off to you for coming here and being brutally honest with yourself.  but one small suggestion: Stop beating yourself up though.  Really.  It's not helping.

[Jessica M.]

Thanks, Ladies. I keep coming back here because at least everyone here understands the impact that reading It Starts with Food made on me. I keep taking in good info, I just have to act on it. And keep building on the good and letting go of the bad. I think tomorrow I may start a new log and try to keep it positive. 

 

Dinner was good, I thought, but it wasn't filling.

 

Sauteed broccoli slaw, snow peas, baby bok choy and scallions in some coconut oil. Added garlic, fish oil, coconut aminos. Cooked some scallops in a bit of butter and put it all together. I had a bowl of it, and seconds and was jonesing for something else for the next hour or so. Put a couple of sweet potatoes in the oven for DH and myself before I started chowing on fruit or worse. Had the sweet potato while I worked (salt and pepper, bit of coconut oil). Much better. Ate it too late though. But... compared to the past few weeks, a much better day. Not on template or anywhere near Whole 30 or Whole 9, but an improvement. 

 

Have had lots of water. I never log the water, but it's my one good habit. Weekends a bit less so, but I manage to drink loads of water on weekdays/work days. Up too late prepping for the podcast. Better tomorrow. 

[robotarmy]

4. No chips of any kind, even "oh, it's sweet potato chips, it's finnnnnnnne!"

ME TOO. I will join you in this quest. I ate a whole bag of Terra chips in the last 12 hours. Salty+crunchy=food with no brakes for me.

[Celina]

I think that I'm late to this thread but I want to add something to all the support here. Just one thing; no, maybe two:

 

Above, you wrote: "I do this every time I try to make a lifestyle change. I get a couple months in and it loses its glamour and I get bored and revert to my old behaviors." So, what I say to you is, "Maybe it's time to start telling yourself a new story about yourself." I had a friend say this to me a few years ago. You are clearly struggling and have a lot going on. Be gentle and reframe your story. (I can hear you saying, "I don't need gentleness, I just need to do these changes!") Maybe you DO need to be gentle and kind to yourself.

 

Second, you've made a few lists of things to eliminate. What about trying JUST ONE THING at a time. One thing per week, one thing per three days? I know this isn't the whole30 way but I think it can help. 

 

Third, you write about being the "Fat girl in the room." I totally know what you mean. Totally. THAT, though is a place where you can change your story. It's hard to do but you could say to yourself, "There are some interesting people here I can talk to," or "That person just looked over at me, I bet he/she likes me dress." (or whatever). I think that changing the story you tell yourself is going to be the hardest part of this for you. 

[Jessica M.]

Thanks, Celina, for your kind words. Yep, reframing is ALWAYS the hardest part for me. Trying to be kinder to myself. Trying, trying. When I am eating well it's actually easier because I am less anxious/moody. That should be incentive enough. Today I am feeling better, ok frame of mind. 

 

Today's Day 3 of my "Semi 21" (ha), a 21-Day Sugar Detox a la Balanced Bites. It's nearly a Whole 21 I guess. The only non-Whole9 type things I've had are vanilla extract (the usual kind, in alcohol base) and organic half and half. I could switch over to coconut milk in my coffee. Maybe I will. I haven't been having the junk I was eating the past couple of weeks (cereal, corn chips, sugar in my coffee, sugar sweetened yogurt with chocolate chips, too many nuts, gobs of peanut butter, french fries). 

 

Day 2 looked much like Day 1 except no avocado at lunch and Nom Nom Paleo's Korean Short Ribs recipe (modified) for dinner. Yummmmmmmm. So good. I only had a couple of pounds of ribs and they were very skinny so i skipped broiling them. Used an apple instead of a pear in the cooking sauce. Really, really flavorful. Heated it up on a big pile of baby spinach. Made this pumpkin/coconut shred casserole thing later on and had it (too late at night) for a not-sweet dessert. 

 

This morning, ate in the car as is my bad habit. Three egg "muffin" things... egg and mushroom and scallion baked in a nitrate free slice of bacon that's been pre-baked a bit. So that's 3 slices bacon and less than 3 eggs. Breakfast should probably have more veggies, but I've been running late. Hubby is soooo not doing this. That's ok. I'm over it. His Monday lunch was still there, it just meant I have lunch today w/o having to cook. I was like,"You're not planning to ever eat this stir fry, are you?" and he goes,"Uhhhh..... I love you!" Ha. I think the cauli-rice threw him, because there's no reason not to like all the other stuff. So I'll have that and 1/2 an avocado for lunch today. 

 

Having coffee with organic cream now. Monday it was gross as get out, but yesterday and today it's fine. My Whole45 I bitched for weeks about black coffee, then coffee with coconut milk and every other crazy thing I tried in between... coconut butter, coconut oil, cinnamon, vanilla extract, even mashed banana. I haven't tried bulletproof coffee yet. I'm worried I'll like it and I already eat plenty of fat. I know, don't fear fat, blah blah, but I have a lot of weight to lose and am not yet exercising. Need to draw some lines. In fact, I think I gained weight back so quickly because I was eating the old SAD diet PLUS more olive oil, coconut oil, avocado. You can't do both, of course. I'm sure that happens a lot with dabblers like me. 

 

Affirmation: Today I will be kind to myself and change my channel when my internal chatter starts up. Today I will eat healing, healthy, filling foods that will let me break my sugar addictions. Tonight I will not eat late just because that's my habit. I will judge if I am actually hungry. I will fill up on laughter by chatting with my girlfriends (G+ Hangout planned, last night we finally got online after months of planning to, but were missing a key member and the slow connection ticked us off). 

 

I will read the Whole9Life blog and some success stories. I will BREATHE. 

[Bet]

Jessica, Just wanted to say high. I'd say there are distinct groups here. One is definitely very healthy thing athletic people who are looking to fine tune things. And then there is us

 

I came here mostly in search of getting healthier, but I do need to lose a bunch of weight. I'm also horribly out of shape. I've been concentrating so much on getting my digestive system healthy, I kind of forgot about the rest of me. I finished my first W30 on Tuesday. I did lose 8 lbs. But I ate a lot, was never hungry and didn't exercise. I am on vacation next week, so will not be sticking strictly on the program, of course, but I will be starting again on 9/1. I'm going to try to eat a bit cleaner and exercise more on round 2.

 

Just wanted to say hang in there and good luck!

[Nadia B]

I think you sound way more like calm and confident you. It's awesome. Keep going as you do. Waves

[Jessica M.]

Thank you, Bet and Nadia. Hope you're both doing well.