Jill: Whole-ing ALLLLLLL the 30s

[jilltothemax]

First Day, First Week, First Whole 30-How I got here

I'm up early on my first day of my Whole 30. I did a big Sunday cook-up for the first time in months, so am hoping that I'm ready to go but I have to admit, I'm nervous.

Like a lot of other people here, I'm looking to fix my relationship with food. I've had problems with disordered eating since I was about 12 and the next 13 years were a series of good periods and not-so-good periods. Unfortunately, the past five years or so have been pretty solidly in the 'not-so-good' camp. While on my study abroad, anxiety, loneliness and discomfort led to an explosion of eating disorder behaviors and I lost a scary amount of weight. I was almost sent home from the program and when I arrived back in the states, I was promptly placed in a residential facility for several months to regain the weight.

Though I was eating again, after that first stay in residential and significant drop in my weight, I spent years weighing and measuring everything that I ate, restricting 'trigger foods,' avoiding social gatherings for fear that food would be forced upon me and everyone would notice when I didn't partake. Food was on my mind every moment, or more specifically, how to get away with eating less: could I get through my workday as close to passing out as possible while still getting the amount I needed to done?

Eventually, I knew that wouldn't work either. Over the past year, I moved across the country, had another stay in residential, started a new job, found a spectacular boyfriend and for the first time in a long time, put the weight back on and it's staying on.

"Great!" you'll say, just like everyone else around me. They think I'm healed! However, how I actually put the weight back on was by uncontrollably gorging myself on all of the foods that I had restricted for years. No longer the "pure" waif-life anoretic that I had become used to being, behaviors shifted to bulimia and my weight continued to go up past what was recommended and I became frantic whenever around food.

Now don't worry friends, I have a doctor and a therapist so I'm not trying to seriously off road here. I'm looking to do the Whole 30 to get myself back on track with eating regularly (and keeping it down), eat to fuel myself (I'm an avid runner and fledgling crossfitter), relearn bodily cues, feel pride in my eating and food instead of shame. Do I want to lose a few pounds to get back to my intended (medically-okayed) maintenance weight? Of course I do. But I'm willing to give up the scale for 30 days, put faith in myself and in real food and see what happens.

I welcome any thoughts or feedback that anyone has and I'll check back in with how Day 1 went at the end of the day!

[jilltothemax]

Woohoo. Made it through my first day and learned a lot. Let's start with a rundown of food and go from there.

Meal One (typed Breakfast but trying the whole re-frame thing) (8:00am):

• 2 spinach, pepper and onion egg muffins (equivalent to about 1.33 eggs)
  
• 1/2 large cucumber
  
• 8 oz green juice of celery, cucumber,wheatgrass, lime, romaine
  

Thoughts: I was proud of getting through a non-sweet breakfast though it definitely wasn't enough food. I was starving about an hour after this and had absurd amounts of water and tea to get through instead of eating something else. I read ISWF last night and got to the part about eggs, the portioning said how many eggs you can fit in your hand and something like 'ladies, we know you can hold more than one egg.' I've long had a hangup about that, so I'll definitely work on changing that tomorrow.

Meal Two (12:00pm):

• Cabbage, onion and ground beef saute (90% lean)
  

Thoughts: I never cook beef. I always feel like I don't know what to do about it and have had hang-ups about it's health value for a long time. I grew up NEVER having ground beef since I had a dad who was watching his cholesterol. It was a nice change and I was glad that I went out of my comfort zone.

Meal Three (3:30pm)-Pre workout snack:

• 4 oz of canned tuna
  
• 10 black olives
  
• 1/2 cucumber, handful of mushrooms, 3 small kosher dill pickles
  

Thoughts:I usually eat a banana or a yogurt or something a bit more carb-focused before workouts so this was definitely a change. Mostly I'm just proud that I got through the snacky, difficult part of the afternoon that can so often turn into a binge due to hunger/work stress/guilt over the food I've already eaten during the day. I combated the urges by: taking a walk, drinking some water, finally reading ISWF, etc. Took it easy on my workout because I was.....exhausted.

Workout:

• 20 minutes HIIT on the elliptical
  
• 5 miles on a stationary bike
  
• 1000 meter row
  
• I also walked ~5 miles during the day
  

Meal Four (8:00pm):

• 2 cups curried roasted carrots, onions, parsnips, and beets
  
• 3oz chicken sausage
  
• steamed kale
  

Thoughts: Decent dinner. Was feeling like my stomach was gnawing on itself so went back for more of my roasted vegetables (I had started with about a cup). He said it was the first time that we had been together that he had seen me identify that I was actually hungry and get more food-this is a huuuuuge thing for me to do without it turning into a binge because of guilt, especially in front of another person.

Phew. So that was long-winded already. Other things, I realized how much work I have to do re: my fat-phobic nature. I waaaaay under-ate fats even though I cooked everything in oil (not just spray stuff) for the first time in a long time. It's a process and I have some plans to work on this. I didn't chew gum or drink any sweetened drinks either-a huge crutch for me to avoid eating.

Overall, it was a good day, I felt like I was doing something proactive, I was more aware of my body and how it felt in an objective/non-judgemental way than I have been in a long, long time. I know I underate, especially seeing how my thoughts were obsessively focused on food and my brain was sluggish. Day two is another day and I'm excited to start tweaking.

Way to go if you read through this whole thing!

[jilltothemax]

Day two and making it through so far. Definitely feeling snack-y urges and know that it's time for lunch. It can be hard for me because my job requires me to be on-call at various points (ie today) and I get interrupted constantly, which makes it hard for me to sit down and focus on a meal (even though I already have it prepared). My boss will come in and whisk me away. On top of already having an issue with trying to postpone meals farther than I should (coming from a history of 'saving up calories' during the day).

I'm realizing that I'm going to have to make meal times a priority and that a BIG part of this Whole 30 is going to be boundary setting, at work, with family, everywhere. Must learn to put my health and wellness first-if I'm well-fed and low-stress I'm going to be a far better employee/girlfriend/friend.

Here's to a whole life transformation!

[Physibeth]

Great job with your first days logs. I'm not surprised that you say you felt hungry all day because there really is not enough protein or fat on your plate. Keep making the little changes you need and definitely set your boundaries.

[Penguin]

just wanted to reach out and say....I can relate. I'm on a similar path and doing the whole30 for similar reasons. sending good energy your way.