Discouraged and Sad

[Shelda17]

Yuck, it's been a bad day here. I started on 13 May 13, and until yesterday night would say everything had been going terrific, as I thought it had. After some compliant grocery shopping and cooking/eating dinner (some nice Thai Basil Beef that I made with grass-fed ground beef), I clicked on the "I did it!" link in my Whole30Daily email, and was feeling great about life and my choices. I had more energy yesterday than I've had in ages, and it was "all good."

And then it wasn't. I opened up a box of oil and vinegar that I'd ordered, and found a note on the balsamic vinegar that it contained "naturally occurring sulfites." Now it turns out those are fine, which I found out after searching the forum for vinegar. Naturally occurring, great. Added, not compliant. And I got this little niggling feeling that the lime juice I had squirted into the Thai Beef (the kind packaged in one of those little green plastic limes) might indeed have sulfites added. How else would they keep it from needing refrigeration. When I bought it, it never once occurred to me that might be the case.

So now I'm sitting there, having been non-compliant without realizing it. Okay, I'm asking myself, do I just do a reset, and start over at day one, or do I just continue on since it was 1t. of lime juice with sulfites in it. And then it came to me that if I'm thinking about dinging myself for that little mistake, I should really find out if the paleo meals that I've been having delivered from a local gym are truly Whole30 compliant. I'm guessing that they're close, but not quite. And honestly, I haven't really wanted to know, because I'm not sure what I will do if I don't have that option. But I know how hard it is to find compliant bacon and sausage, and a couple of the meals include those ingredients. Plus there was a tomatoey sauce on some meatloaf that might (or might not) be ketchup with a little sugar in it.

Because of my multiple sclerosis, I'm constantly fighting fatigue, and I just don't think I have it in me to cook much more than I've already been cooking. So I had been sort of in denial about this issue, following a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I get 10 meals delivered every Sunday evening, and it's been working really well for me. Bottom line, If they're not Whole30 compliant, then I don't think I can actually do a fully-compliant Whole30 right now. The only other option I've come up with is ordering most of my meals from PreMade Paleo, and I don't think I can afford that.

So I'm torn. I'm feeling better than I've felt in a good long while, and I'm definitely making better choices. It's quite clear to me that I'm losing weight (though that wasn't my primary intention, and I haven't weighed, but I can tell from the way my clothes are fitting). So why am I even worried about this? The Whole30 rules are the Whole30 rules, and not my own personal rules. I am eating paleo, and doing quite a fine job of it. So what if my Whole30 isn't perfect? I get the whole "reset" thing, and I would love to be able to do the whole autoimmune protocol, but I had already decided against that as impractical for me right now. I set out to do a Whole90, because I'd really like to know how I feel at the end of 90 days of eating cleanly.

So now I'm asking myself if a "Nearly-Whole90" is good enough if I'm doing the very best I can with my limiting factors. It's certainly miles better than where I had been most recently, and I don't want to derail myself. As I went by Starbuck's this morning I did have a passing thought that I could just toss it all, a sort of WTF gesture. Thankfully, that feeling passed and I went on by.

In the 11 days I've been here, this community has become really important to me, and I don't want to lose this. So yeah, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm mad at my disease, and mad at myself for past habits. That last part isn't helpful, and I want to move on from this place. I did write to the folks who are providing the meals and asked the questions I should have asked earlier, so the denial is circumnavigated. That's progress, I guess. I'll be interested to see what they say, and then I guess I have more decisions to make.

And I threw away the little lime "things."

Thanks for "listening," I think it helped to write this out.

Shelda

[jodea]

I'm sad to hear you're feeling sad. We're all guilty of focusing on the negative, which is what then leads us down the WTF path. First of all, you're feeling great and doing great with this way of eating. Second, you resisted the WTF urge after feeling down about things. A MAJOR achievement ( this comes from someone with a binge mentality). Find out what's in the meals, then decide what's important to you. If trying to be 100% compliant at this point is going to physically and mentally exhaust you, don't do it. Do what you can, continue to make choices that make you feel good and keep talking about it here.

[LRM]

First of all - BIG HUGS for you!

Second, please don't let a few sulfites get to you. You are doing great, and honestly, I would keep going. I don't think your minor slips are going to affect anything. I will let a Mod or someone more experienced chime in, but if it were me, I would keep going, watch my ingredients more carefully, and add a few days at the end.

The W30 experience has a lot of emotional ups and downs, along with the physical changes, so please be gentle with yourself.

I also think it's great that your goal is to go for 90 days. However, that may seem daunting right now. Why not just try to get through one round of W30, and then if you want to keep going, add another 5-7 days at a time. Sometimes you need to take W30 in smaller doses: one day, one hour, or even one minute at a time.

The health benefits of this program, are amazing, but if it's creating more stress than healing, I agree with Jodea, that maybe the timing isn't right, and you will need to do the best you can for a while.

Whatever you decide, please be kind to yourself. This is a learning process and we are all a work in progress. The destination is great but don't forget to enjoy the journey. :-)

[Terresa]

Please, take it easy on yourself. This is, for many of us, a whole new approach to food, and learning how to eat this way takes time, and is rarely without mistakes. But you are learning! And that's wonderful. Just think of the things that you used to eat without giving them a second thought!

Always remember that no-one, including you, can ask you for more than your best!

[Shelda17]

jodea and LRM, thanks much to you both! I just came back from a nice lunch at Chipotle and hanging out in the beautiful weather here. I also had the epiphany that nothing has really changed since yesterday but the thoughts in my own mind. I'm no more or less compliant now that I had been before I knew about the sulfites and the possible issues with the prepared meals. And yes, I'm sure the emotions do come in waves when changing everything about the way we've been eating for years and years (I'm 55). Until today, they were all good emotions, which are probably easier to take :^).

I'm feeling a little more centered now, after writing, and eating some lunch, and your words helped.

[Tom Denham]

There is a joke around the Whole9 team that I would make at least 3 participants cry if I presented public seminars because I tend to confront cheating during a Whole30 "firmly." I have run more than one forum participant off with my confrontations, but I don't have a confrontation for you. I think you are doing great. I like your attitude and desire. Keep doing what you're doing and you will have a solid Whole30.

There is pure lime juice and lemon juice available in glass bottles. I buy it at Whole Foods because the bottled stuff is so much easier than fresh.

There is a really cool TED Talk by a woman whose MS went into remission after she started eating the way we do around the Whole30. If you haven't seen it, it really is worthwhile. Here is the link to it through my site:

http://www.wholelifeeating.com/2012/03/the-healing-power-of-food/

[Shelda17]

There is a joke around the Whole9 team that I would make at least 3 participants cry if I presented public seminars because I tend to confront cheating during a Whole30 "firmly." I have run more than one forum participant off with my confrontations, but I don't have a confrontation for you. I think you are doing great. I like your attitude and desire. Keep doing what you're doing and you will have a solid Whole30.

Well, you made me cry anyway, but in a good way! Thanks. I don't think I realized until I started reading the replies how very hard on myself I'm being.

And yes, I've heard Terry Wahls. I even bought her book. One of my alongside the Whole30 goals is to actually read it

[Beets]

I think it's great that you are taking this on. And I'm glad everyone talked you down from beating yourself up. Great job coming here instead of diving into something that would've made you feel worse.

Take heart and keep going. You are strong, and you can do this.

[AmyS]

What Tom and everyone else said. You rock.

[Just Real Food]

Shelda - you are doing so well. Amy's right - you rock!

There's a mile of difference between purposefully going off plan and being mistaken about what's in a food.

I'm really impressed with your label-reading too.

There's a great, old Inuit saying that I try to keep in mind and it might help you too -

"Yesterday is ashes; tomorrow, wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly."

Make your decisions right now the best ones. You're going to blitz this Whole30.

[mkn]

@Shelda, you're doing great.

@Tom, that video is amazing.

@ everyone else, I don't want to hijack a thread, but I want to tack on that I, too, am feeling discouraged and sad today. I'm on Day 12 and have been doing well. Last night, I went to a friend's farewell party that included dinner. The hostess has a series of food sensitivities, so didn't blanch when I gave her my can't-eat list. She ordered Mediterranean from a place she knew and assured me the meatballs and chicken were fine, "Just avoid the hummus and yogurt dip." I did, and also avoided the alcohol and cake. (Huge for me.) I had meat, veggies, and fruit.

Half way home, I started feeling really gross. I became convinced that the food was cooked in some kind of "poison" oil or had hidden gluten. It wasn't until I was 85% of the way home that I realized I totally overate. Yes, compliant food, but too much of it. They were small plates, the food was yummy, how bad could it be to have seconds? Bad.

So, I may have slayed my sugar demon, but the overeating ogre is alive & well. How do I kill him before he kills me? I sometimes despair of EVER having a healthy relationship with food.

Oh, I should mention, I felt great all yesterday, like on the edge of tiger blood until post-dinner. The day before, I'd suffered from insomnia and last night in the middle of the night our fire alarm blasted because some drunk driver plowed into a power line. I kid you not. Power went off and when it came back on at 2:30 or 3, it did so with a deafening alarm. It was hard to get back to sleep after and today I feel lethargic for lack of sleep. It's an extended moodswing of doom.

Help. Mostly, thanks for "listening."

[Shelda17]

There's a great, old Inuit saying that I try to keep in mind and it might help you too -

"Yesterday is ashes; tomorrow, wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly."

Wow! Love this. Thanks to all for all the encouragment! I had three solid Whole30 meals today (tried a new combo at Chipotle, and really missed my fajita veggies: why on earth do they use soybean oil?! It's cheap, I guess). I didn't eat dairy for a couple of years awhile back, so I had already cut the cheese and sour cream from my burrito bowls, and even when I started eating dairy again I realized I actually preferred not to have those items. But I was still doing the fajita veggies and the corn salsa. Everything today tasted very fresh.

I also had dinner out, so it was a challenging day for me. But I had a lovely Greek salad (sans feta), with a skewer of chicken. And a great convo with an old friend I hadn't seen for awhile.

I haven't heard back from the local paleo meal folks yet, but when the answer comes, I'll make the best decision I can make. Which is about all anyone could do.

[Shelda17]

@mkn All those things put together could certainly mess up a nearly-tiger blood day! I feel completely disoriented when an alarm goes off.

And the step you took recognizing the overeating and connecting it to how you felt afterwards seems like a really good step on the way. I was seriously addicted to mochas at Starbuck's (imagine that), but the last one I had, a month or so ago, after I'd already cut way back on sugar, made me feel shaky and sick all afternoon. They probably always did, but I was eating too much other sugar to even notice. The memory of that feeling, and the realization of what caused it hasn't gone away. It's too soon to say it's a total change, but right now, other than the momentary defiance I felt this morning, I really haven't wanted to go there again. And I gave away my "gold card" with its remaining few drinks, to a friend.

Maybe if you can hold that memory of feeling like crap after indulging a bit too much at the party, it'll help you avoid that next time.

[jodea]

I used to call Starbucks' Frapuccino a 'Crackaccino'. Dangerous!

[Shelda17]

I used to call Starbucks' Frapuccino a 'Crackaccino'. Dangerous!

Dangerous indeed. A friend calls the whole place "Fivebucks" which helps remind me of the financial hit as well as the sugar one.

[cayenne]

Shelda, I am glad you are feeling better. You are so far ahead of the curve by recognizing the nutrition component to MS. Good for you.....We live in a world where it is really difficult to follows the Whole30 rules especially when it comes to cost. I cannot afford grass fed anything so I buy what I can. I can' afford organic veggies so I buy what I can and usually at a huge box store so I buy in bulk. That in no way undo's the effort I have put into the last 51 days. And that is true for you as well. You are not deceiving yourself and pretending to be compliant-you are doing great! Any positive change in what you eat and how you take care of yourself needs to be applauded. I applaud you and you efforts. Keep going forward and do not look back(at the ashes)