LadyM's seduction continues (sur son propre velo)


LadyM

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Thanks so much for the link, Beets. I just passed it on to a student in my advanced nonfiction class. I teach creative nonfiction, and it's amazing what women (it's mostly young women who take these classes) bring to the page when invited. Our bodies have so much to say if we let them.

 

Update from FMD: my liver is taking on the burden of shifting hormones and it needs more support. So, a new supplement should help. Continuing to exercise, to eat W30 style, to drink plenty of water should all help us see a shift over the next couple weeks. Everything else is on target. Just need to be persistent and patient.

 

I really needed to hear what was going on and receive confirmation that things are moving in the right direction. Liver and gallbladder do so much. And we can't see them, so we hardly pay attention. But the liver congestion is the reason why I feel my body can't process food, especially sugars. FODMAPS in general, and especially sweet potatoes and fruit lately. They just make me feel stuffed and enormous and super uncomfortable. Excess fats are also intolerable. But this won't be a forever thing. So that's very reassuring.

 

And I need to begin cultivating a bit more of an outward focus, I've decided. Being a writer, a meditator, a contemplative by nature, all makes me turn inward by default. Doing W30 as a self study exacerbates this tendency as well. It's not a bad thing; in fact, it's something most people need more of. But me? I need to be out in the world, interacting with other humans, animal, nature, on the regular. When I don't, I can get trapped in my own thoughts. So, teaching is especially good for me. Having yoga teacher training and conferences and workshops for the next six weeks is also a good thing.

 

Anyway, continuing to get my house in order, both literally and figuratively, in preparation for shining forth into the world is my new focus. This may be a case of, though I dread saying it, fake it until you make it. I can't make my body change instantaneously, but as long as I have faith and confirmation that everything is moving in the right direction, I can stay on the path and do my best to practice nonattachment to the outcome. This is my self prescription for sanity, for health, for calm.

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"It seems as if I'm always in this place at this time of year. Maybe part of it is seasonal. The natural emergence from winter. I don't know. But I hope to know more and tell a different story soon."

 

I was thinking this morning how I always feel anxiety this time of year, that there is so much going on, so much coming. The heat is coming. The summer is coming. I get gardening anxiety. There is such a flurry of expectations, most of which coming from myself. Fortunately we know the antidote and that is the template. (Fingers crossed.)

YES!

 

Seasonal shifts, these in-between periods, are by nature unstable. So, of course we'll feel anxiety. Having rhythm and routine and genuine nourishment (food, movement, rest, play) IS the antidote.

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I heard that interview on NPR.  It's so concerning.  I admit to being kind of happy to just have boys, but I also realized we need to be more deliberate about teaching them to treat girls with respect.  It's a hard conversation to have with a teenage boy.  Especially for mom.  Maybe I'll have my husband listen to that show and try to get him to talk to the 14 yo at least.  Ugh!  I'm not a fan of the teenage years.

 

I'm really glad, M, that knowing what's going on is helping you to feel better.  Knowing it will pass and that you can take steps to help it along have to feel good. 

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My sugar dragon is a real beast. Enjoyed three solid template meals today and found myself longing for fruit after dinner. Mouth hunger not belly hunger. And desire for mindless hand-to-mouth eating. Boredom. Tiredness.

 

I don't have any fruit in the house and I was seriously tempted to get in my car and go pick up a bunch of grapes. But then I remembered how bloated fruit makes me and decided not to. Realized maybe this liver drama is actually a gift.

 

Side note: it's more than a little hilarious that I am at a point in which talking myself down from the ledge is about grapes. Makes me feel a little nuts. But also, if I step back and look at it from a slightly different angle, it helps me see how far I've come. 

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It is funny about the grapes, but honestly, if they make you feel bloated and uncomfortable right now, then it is something to avoid.  But yes, I agree, how far you(I)'ve come.

 

I'm glad you have more information about what is going on with you right now.  Hopefully that will continue to nudge you in the right direction.

 

I tend to be pretty introverted and I too can get too far into my own head.  I almost always have fun once I get out into the world, but sometimes getting there is tough for me.  And I'm glad that teaching gives you so much joy!

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Feeling pretty good today. Excited about yoga teacher training beginning again tomorrow. Clearing my head and physical space in preparation.

 

Also had a girls' day out with my BFF (who's a man but even more of a lady than I am at times) that included lunch, froyo, and a trip to Costco. I had a template meal at lunch and enjoyed the froyo. Walking around Costco afterward, we agreed, was good to help us digest. Had lots of good conversation, but especially insightful was his point that it's when we isolate and get stuck in our own headspace that we notice every little thing in our bodies and the root of it is a form self loathing. This really resonated with me. And it helps explain what I lovingly think of as Nadia syndrome: when everything we put into our mouths seems to cause bloating and torture. Because after a meal out and froyo, I feel totally fine today. Largely because it was shared in good company. I never drink alone and I wish I could choose to never eat alone. It would make life better, I think. That was my experience when I was living in a spiritual community. Food works its magic so much thoroughly when consumed in the company of those we love in a spirit of love and affection. I guess this is good information and that I can eat in that spirit toward myself in the instances when I must eat alone. Good food for thought, though.

 

I slept long and hard last night with many wildly vivid dreams. I had the rare luxury of not having to set an alarm and I slept 11 solid hours straight through! BFF thinks my exhaustion and malaise is part of my recovery from visiting my folks a few weeks ago, and that even my liver congestion could be a reflection of that. I wouldn't be surprised, honestly. Our consciousness is just the tip of the iceberg, even though it seems like the whole world to us. But our unconscious is always working out more than we'll ever know. The dreams i experienced last night only hint at this. . . . 

 

Coffee booch update: After a longer first ferment (7 days instead of 5) and adding a little tart cherry concentrate along with chai spices (vanilla bean, cloves, cardamom pods, cloves, fennel seed), it's looking like a fizzier beverage is in store. It's growing on me enough for me to keep the continuous brew going, and I've even taken my last brew's bottles out of the fridge, added some cherry concentrate, and will let them continue fermenting. I love the science experiment in my kitchen.

 

Speaking of the kitchen, time to wash some dishes and get my house in order. Cooking up plenty of protein for the week ahead and loads of greens, frozen veggies, and some berries will round out a week of template meals during training. I'll likely go out to lunch with the group once or twice, but I'm keeping my brahmacharya intention front and center: nothing in excess.

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I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER, so much more like myself. Everything is moving better--energy, food, everything. And shock of all shocks (NOT), AF arrived this morning. All the signs were there, and I had my suspicions, but either she's been creeping earlier, or I miscounted. Anyway, things are righter in my world (THANKS BE TO ALL THAT IS HOLY) and even those new pants I bought are fitting.

 

Just one day back to yoga teacher training has me settled back into myself as well. It's wonderful to be able to remove myself from the daily grind as much as possible and focus on my practice, my path, in the company of a wonderful group of like-minded folks. Powerful core practice yesterday that focused on a lot of pelvic floor work. Is that something you yoga-practicing gals do in your practice? SO powerful. SO important. Again, it's working internally, in ways we cannot see, and I find often that's the most neglected and yet most important kind of work to do. Like kegels except way more involved.

 

We have our trainings in a church, so late start today to make way for the parishioners to do their thing. A little cleanup and preparing for the writing class I'm teaching tomorrow is ahead. And a former student is in town briefly, so I'm hoping to catch up with him tonight.

 

It snowed to beat the band yesterday, and the daffodils are dusted with the white stuff and yet still turned toward the sun. I see myself in that image. 

 

Happy Sunday, friends!

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Glad you're feeling better. Just caught up on your last few posts. I hate to say this but my periods have gotten so brutal in the last year or so. Used to be I'd have major PMS before and then as soon as AF arrived I'd be skipping around and would drop 5 lbs. Now that heaviness and exhaustion seem to take up half my life--going in for a week and coming out for almost as long. My body feels like a huge stone I have to lug around. I can't concentrate. I have major panic attacks. 

 

I know eating well will undoubtably help, but this hormonal stuff is hard. Really hard. First the physical symptoms and then the knowledge that it means we are getting older. Blah! I try to keep in mind a meditation on mortality (it is my nature to be sick, it is my nature to grow older, it is my nature to die) but, vanity. And fear. 

 

I had one awesome yoga teacher that really focused on pelvic floor work and that bandha (?) involving that area. Was so super awesome, felt great in all ways. Loved her. She moved away. Boo! Think of her though when I'm exercising and moving around and try to keep that in mind. 

 

I would be very curious to read a young woman's take on that book! And yeah, Jen, it's so terrifying as a parent. My niece, oy, her Instagram feed. She is in 8th grade and it's all about the bikini shots and the duck lips. Sucking on straws, licking ice cream cones. They don't even know what these things mean--they just do them bc girls with 200,000 followers do them. Makes me so sad, they have so much pressure to keep up the social persona. And then they have to comment on all their friends' posts: "tbh, your [sic] really pretty and skinny and look like a model."

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Ha!  AF always throws us for a loop.  I'm really glad you're feeling better.  Mine is due any day now, which I'm sure didn't help the frosting situation. 

 

Beets - Ugh!  I hate what the teenage years have become.  I was too scared to talk to boys and kept my nose in a book for 6 years.  (actually, it's still in a book...)

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Good morning, friends! I'm in the final days of yoga teacher training--and ready to be done. It's all good, but man if the 8:30-5 gig isn't hard on a guy. I'm used to WAY more flexibility in my schedule. So, looking forward to more of that again.

 

Given the extremely limited flexibility I've had this week, I'm pretty happy with the way I've managed food. I cooked plenty of simply proteins last weekend and had more than enough salad greens for days. So, I've been living on salads this week, and it's actually been a good thing. Simple, easy, nourishing. Oh, and I had my own makeshift version of that magic green soup Beets and I are all about every now and then in which I threw the dregs of my crisper drawers into a pot of broth with coconut milk, ginger, cilantro and some lime and red pepper flake and took the immersion blender to it. This was great for tossing in some of the aforementioned protein and having when I wanted something warm and comforting. Then when I ran out of protein except hb eggs, I picked up a rotisserie chicken that wasn't terribly offensive in terms of its ingredients, and man was that a godsend. Organic raspberries were my big splurge and treat midweek.

 

No exercise to speak of besides the odd little walk and yoga, literally, for days. But that's a conscious choice. Sleep felt more important than early morning barre and bootcamp classes this week. I'm practicing better listening skills with my own body.

 

I'd better scoot, but I wanted to check in. I have a lot more to say about what I'm learning about applying yogic philosophy to this Whole30 approach to life, so I'll come back and do that soon. . . . 

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I have a stockpot of broth bubbling away and I was thinking: magic soup time! Everyone is grumbling about our cold start to spring but I am loving it. More soup time. 

 

Congrats on almost finishing the teacher training.

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Hi, friends! Sorry for my absence. It's been busy AF around here. A little too much, really, but things should settle down eventually. It's all these additional things I do in the evenings, I think, but I'm not willing to scale them back. Yet. Thinking a little about taking a break this summer, but we'll see.

 

The 80 degree weather making me reach for last year's summer clothes was a rude awakening. Definitely thicker through the middle. Not happy about it. But you know what? This happens every damn year. Maybe I don't need to be mad about it. Maybe I can accept the cycles of my body with the cycles of the seasons. I mean, this isn't the sort of weight gain that feels irreversible. It's a matter of getting real about how much I've allowed myself to off road. Way more grains and sugar than are healthy for this body. So, no more grains or sugar for the foreseeable future. I have gotten curious about ketosis lately and done some research and reading on it. I think it might be the next worthwhile experiment for me. Then last night I started talking to a woman who came to my yoga class and learned she's lost 40 pounds since October by doing a keto diet. She couldn't stop talking about it. Fascinating. I wouldn't dream of eating the way she does--lots of bacon and heavy cream and fast food minus bread plus convenience Atkins shakes and bars--but I'm interested in finding out how my body might respond to a W30 with shifted macros. So, that's what I'm playing with right now--and have been since Sunday. So far so good. Enjoying the efficiency of eating more fat.

 

I'm also back to working out, and that feels good. Bootcamp and barre have been painful this week, but keeping up walking and yoga seems to offset the muscle tension. Working my way back to my sweet spot. And already feeling a bit more comfortable in my clothes if not my skin.

 

Always a work in progress, no? But it's all good.

 

I still must catch you up on my yogic philosophy applied to W30, but that might require more of a schedule clearing than I can see right now. Leading a women's retreat this weekend and then next weekend start my 500-hour teacher training. Wish me luck! I'll check in when I can.

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The keto experiment continues, and the jury's still out. I've begun tracking my macros, mostly to make sure I'm not undereating, and I am eating butter and heavy cream and not at all convinced that's a good idea for the long haul. After a stretch of probably undereating fats and overcompensating with grains and sugar (damn you, fro-yo!), it's weird and pleasurable to focus on eating fats. Very excited to pick up a pork shoulder from my favorite pig farmer this weekend and enjoy kalua pork. Cracklin chicken, baked chicken wings, and delicious buttery pate are also on next week's menu. Decided to give this a go until Memorial Day and then reassess. I'll keep you posted.

 

Back to more strenuous and regular workouts and this is such a good thing. Loving weights and barre even though they're harder than hell and I feel weak. It's also the lead up to AF, so that's to be expected even when I haven't taken a break. I start my 500-hour yoga training Saturday, so that means another eight days of 8:30-5:30. My aim is to keep up the early morning and evening barre and bootcamp classes and try to get in some walks, too. Walking for at least an hour a day feels necessary. And I can't wait to get on my bike again, too! The weather has been very unpredictable, but it's looking like clear skies and 60s come this weekend.

 

Helped lead a women's retreat up north last weekend and had some serious grief triggering being around a group of super cool, loving women who are the age my mom would have been. So, processing. Trying to find time to write but failing. Working my way back in all ways, it seems.

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After some real talk with myself journal style, I've come to a couple conclusions in moving forward.

 

First, dairy is out. I've been phlegmy and fighting a sore throat for nearly a week. Goodbye heavy cream. I poured the rest of the carton down the drain this morning.

 

Second, I'm not so sure about this whole keto thing. Maybe it's because my period is due or maybe it's for some other reason, but I'm not feeling the magic after two weeks, one consistently measuring macros. Maybe I haven't given it enough time. Or maybe I just need to cut the dairy and see how it goes. It's feeling too much like a diet, and one that isn't resulting in any discernible shifts in body composition. Harumph. 

 

But what's good, in fact very good and more good than I'm probably giving credit for, is that I'm drinking plenty of water, a habit that sometimes goes to the wayside, and the sugar dragon is nowhere to be found. Killing it with fat and a little bit of protein seems to be working well. So, back to template. Minus fruit, nuts, coconut (except oil), and starchy veg. Maybe ketosis inducing, maybe not. But this is what I'm looking at for the month of May. 

 

Also for May: a legit Writing Whole30. Not having time to write is making me crazy. So I'm just going to create it. Yoga teacher training starts up today, and that eats up 9 hours a day, and I've recommitted to deliberate exercise every day (meaning barre and bootcamp and walking, not just yoga), so that's extra challenging. But there are always obstacles, no? Diving in head first.

 

A writer I met a couple weeks ago suggests that it takes 30 days of writing every day to get into the slipstream, and skipping a day doesn't hit the pause button, it actually takes you backward. I desperately want to get into the slipstream. In terms of writing. In terms of eating, In terms of exercise. I've been there. I've had a taste of what's possible. I long to return. And only I can make that happen. 

 

So, here I go again. Wish me luck, friends!

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First, congrats on your yoga teaching accomplishment! Second, wow reading your last posts made me want to take a mini nap, I got exhausted by just reading them. You juggle a lot, woman! I know it's all fulfilling and soul healing, but do you think that spreading focus in all the directions can mean the necessity of letting go of desire to be on point in each area? I am not saying you should or should not do something, but isn't slowing down is what "type A" (using this term deliberately) need the most? I am actually pretty sure you were the one who introduced me to this idea. I can't sit still, I need my calendar filled, can't stop won't stop. I am wondering often what is it I am not addressing that makes me feel good only if I am in a perpetuum mobile mode. Restless, always restless but never at peace. I hope it's different for you. Is there anything that can be done before food has to be tweaked? Just rambling :) 

 

Re: keto. I have tried one recent "eating plan" by someone I used to really like in terms of his message about nutrition and fitness. It involved certain amount of days on vlc and then certain amount of days on hclw. These days on keto made me feel horrible, digestion wise especially. I gave it a fair try and can say that anything lc is out out out out. I am actually eating pretty high carb (lowish sugar), moderate fat and moderate protein....it's not a miracle, but my hunger is gone, so is my discomfort and bloat (and several pounds but nothing dramatic). Shocker but so far so good pour moi and all the carbs. Super simple eating but not whole30 whatsoever.

 

I hope you will find what is it that your body craves for the moment to support your ambitions <3 Don't forget to catch up on your luxurious sleep in your awesome bed from time to time. 

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You see right through me, NadiaB. Thank you! 

 

So happy to see you--I thought maybe you were lurking now and again. :wub:

 

You're so very right, of course. And I've been coming to that conclusion myself. The thing I'm avoiding, quite honestly, is my writing. Or more specifically, grief. The part of my manuscript that I must finish is about my mom, and I've been hit--blindsided, really--by grief about her death. It's been 2 1/2 years, and I thought maybe I was done, but I'm not. Probably never will be. Writing is my way through it, but dang if it isn't terribly painful. But we all have to put our heads in the mouth of the monster at some time or another. My time is now. But you're right in that my energy is quite scattered right now. I have six weeks to get through to summer and a much freer schedule. And then writing is my priority.

 

Side note: it also occurs to me that grief makes me fat. The heaviness in my heart shows up on my body, as my body is, and always has been, literal. It's a beautiful teacher for me in this regard. And my work is to cultivate gratitude for its teachings rather than sulk in resentment.

 

Thank you, dear Nadia, for real talking my real talk.

 

Oh, and yeah, I'm also thinking that trying so hard with my food is counterproductive. It's been starting to feel like the early days of W30 when I thought I was doing everything right and nothing was working and I was spinning myself into a frenzy of frustration. Thinking about how I can effort less and just live, breathe, eat, move, love. Oh, and think less. That came to me as if from the mouth of God: think less. Anyway, simplifying, simplifying. Meat, veg, fat, gratitude, period.

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Whole30 v. 6.0 (or so) begins today.

 

Here's the plan:

 

M1: sf bacon, eggs, sautéed power greens, BP coffee (1 T ghee, 1 t MCT)

M2: kalua pork, salad greens, vinaigrette

M3: burger, salad, evoo

 

Simple, simple. Walking, yoga, meditation, writing, grading papers in between. Here we go!

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Yesterday ended up looking more like this:

 

M1: as planned

M2: a boatload of kalua pork, salad greens, avocado, decaf BPC

 

Then I wasn't hungry the rest of the day. Two meals a day would actually work better for my schedule this week, so I wouldn't mind entirely if it worked out this way. I wake up early enough to have a solid M1 a couple hours before intensive morning yoga practice, enjoy M2 after that, then dash off to teach or take a class or have an appointment in the evening. We'll see how it goes. I'm already ready for a break. :rolleyes:

 

(NOTE: I'm keeping this log in the post Whole30 since this isn't my first rodeo and I'm not necessarily doing it by the book as a first timer should do. Yes, I'm adhering to all the rules, but not necessarily all the recommendations.)

 

Felt a little funky yesterday afternoon after eating all the fatty meat plus BPC. It passed and I'm no worse for it as far as I can tell. I have a sneaking suspicion that my body doesn't love all this fat, but I can't be coming to conclusions after just a few days. That's why I'm trying it on for 30 days and then reassessing.

 

I've been completely off sugar and grains and starches for a full two weeks now, but I don't expect that to count for much especially given the dairy I consumed last week. I'm feeling bloated and huge and AF is due any day, so I'm withholding judgment on that front. Very grateful to have quelled the sugar dragon. That counts for so much more than I give it credit. I'm miserable when my sugar dragon steers the ship, and when she's asleep I forget about her.

 

In other news, I botched another batch of mayo yesterday. :angry: But then I fixed it with a slow redrizzle while whisking into a splash of water. :D

 

Today's plan:

 

M1: sf bacon, eggs, power greens, BPC

M2: kalua pork, avocado, salad greens, cherry tomatoes, EVOO

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I added a M3 yesterday: roasted salmon with mayo plus a couple bubbies pickles and almond stuffed olives. Because I was HONGRY.

 

Finding myself longing for instant gratification with this cleaned-up eating and talking myself down. Remembering that it takes AT LEAST 30 days and recommitting to that 30 days. Every. Single. Day.

 

Yoga training is good. Balancing it with regular work is stressful, but should be less so after today. Opted to skip bootcamp this morning because why push the stress any further? Patiently awaiting AF and wishing she'd get here. It's always a relief, as if the waxing of the moon can then shift into waning again. 

 

I've been testing ketones with urine strips first thing in the morning, and I'm in the mid-range. These suckers are notoriously inaccurate, and I've read that glucose naturally rises in the days leading up to menstruation, so I'm not sweating it. But I just don't know if I'm in ketosis or not. I had some of the symptoms last week that my body was cycling into it, but who knows. It wouldn't surprise me if I'm one of those tough cases for whom it takes several weeks to make the shift to being fat adapted. And so I'll simply carry on!

 

M1: sf bacon, eggs, greens, BPC (w/ ghee and MCT)

M2: salad, kalua pork, avocado, evoo

M3: burger, mayo, greens, kraut

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