Feeling like border line neurotic food disorder post 30

[ddree]

Background: I finished my Whole 30 on May 6. I have Celiac's Disease, so gluten has been eliminated for numerous years now. In addition, I knew my body didn't really like cheese and milk but I would still eat it on occasions prior to the W30. I was struggling with numerous health issues and couldn't seem to get my body to work together to help me heal. After finishing the W30, I love how I feel and finally see my health issues begin to go away and my body is FINALLY working together once again. I lost 12 lbs but more importantly, I feel so much better now. I did slowly begin the reintroduction of foods. Dairy is a definite no go for me. As for the rest (aside from the obvious gluten), I am okay.

Issue: Here is my concern and I want to know if anyone else has battled this and if so, any advice? I feel that at times I get boarder line neurotic with my eating. (I encountered this when I was on the Zone as well. If I ate even one extra almond, the guilt would sit in and I would feel like I failed.) I am staying away from the scale, aside for every 2 weeks as a 'check point'. Yes, I am one of those people that use that number to define me even though I know better. I know it but I am struggling to get past it.

Anyways, as I am now day 51, I have only had 4 days of "cheats/reintroductions". Even though that is part of the process, I feel TERRIBLE! I have such a sense of guilt and feeling that I will gain the weight back on and get sick again. I try to use the saying "is it worth it" to try and mentally accept those small cheat sessions. At the time, I can do it, but after that I get back to being neurotic. How do I find a balance that I can live with?

This weekend, I have a special vacation planned and the guilt of knowing that I won't be 100% compliant is starting to kick in. I haven't lost any extra weight post W30, and yes, I know it is definitely not about the weight, but reality is that it is an incentive as well. I already started to plan another strict Whole 20 starting on Monday, but then I question if I am just feeding into these issues.

I sincerely want to work through this and find a happy medium and a balance where I can be healthy, continue to trim up and promote my health, yet live life. I am battling with how to do this exactly. I know it sounds crazy but seriously, I just need to hear from others their thoughts on this and suggestions on how to move on post W30. I am so proud of where I am but I want that to continue without the emotional ping pong that I put myself through.

[JJB]

You are not alone. I have seen several comments about the same issue just recently. I started this way of eating in January. I was sincerely hoping it would cure me of my food obsessions, but now I feel like I'm just obsessed in a different way. I used to be addicted to carbs, and felt like I "had" to eat every few hours. I would get seriously upset (and feel physically bad) if I had to wait longer than I wanted to for my next meal/snack. Sometimes I was having 2 or 3 snacks between lunch and dinner...and the 3rd one was often the size of a meal.

The physical symptoms/cravings are mostly gone, but the mental ones are not. I still want to eat way more often than I need to. I still think about what my next meal is going to be and when. I still get anxious when I start watching the clock, and realizing I can't eat for another 1,2,3 hours. I have not yet found a way to get around a "craving," even when I know logically I don't need that food, I'm not hungry, I ate plenty at my last meal, etc. The worst part for me is that I still want the crap I used to eat, and I've been getting depressed lately thinking that those urges are just never going to go away. I think about/miss sugar almost every day. There's probably at least 3 days every week where I just want to yell "F it, let's get a (pizza/hamburger/ice cream/etc)!" I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of diving into a vat of junk food (and sometimes that's exactly what I WANT to do). Sugar makes me very emotional, but sometimes just fighting with myself over whether or not I can/should have some makes me just as grumpy and upset as actually eating it.

It was never my goal to be 100% perfect with this diet (post-W30). My biggest problem is reigning it in once I decide it's OK to have that hamburger, or pancakes, or pizza. Every time I eat something off-plan, I just want more. So I stress and fret about whether it's really OK to have that "cheat" meal once in awhile. But once I start telling myself "you better not eat that," I just obsess over that food/meal even more, and then when I do have it I feel like a failure.

I wish I had some answers/suggestions, looking forward to other replies...

[kew]

I don't have any answers, but something in JJB's post struck a chord. JJB wrote "sometimes just fighting with myself over whether or not I can/should have some makes me just as grumpy and upset as actually eating it."

I remember reading somewhere (I don't remember where, unfortunately), that in the struggle not to have a piece of cake, for example, the moment of resolution, where you decide that, "dangit, I'm going to have the cake," provides as much pleasure to your brain as the cake itself. That is, when you get in a position of tension like that, the decision or resolution itself provides the relief. I think that's why the total bans of the Whole30 can be easier, for many people, than the idea of a cheat or treat. With W30, there are no "should I eat this, can I afford one more" sorts of decisions, so there is potentially less conflict.

With that in mind, I wonder if you can somehow harness the power of a resolved tension and separate it from the 'consummation,' so to speak. For example, if you are fighting with yourself not only of whether you will have a brownie (or whatever) but also over the very fact that you feel the desire for one but believe that it's a wrong desire, perhaps simply acknowledging, "yes, I want the brownie" might provide some relief. Admit that you want the brownie. Enjoy the relief that comes from not fighting with yourself over your desire. And then it might in fact be easier not to eat the brownie after all.

or, possibly......do the exact opposite of whatever I was trying to say.....I'm no expert at any of this!

[ddree]

I just don't know why there is this mental mind game attached to it. Personally, I don't miss the foods and I really don't care if I don't eat them. Luckily for me, the sugar demons are well out of the picture.

However, for example, this weekend, I know that I will have some drinks with my husband when we go out to eat, who knows... maybe even sushi or some chips and salsa too! I know that overall, I will order as compliant as I can throughout the weekend and not snack, yet while trying to enjoy myself ...but I also know myself. I know that I will be concerned that even though I will probably do pretty well. Then I will start to feel like I will never lose this last 5lbs that I want or that my bloating/ headaches, etc will all come back. It is frustrating as I don't want to be sucked into this mind game, but yet I feel like I am falling into it more and more. Will doing another W20 after this weekend help me to see the long run and stay focused or will I be playing into these games and only making the mental battle worse? I do realize that it is a self image and self acceptance type of thing and I know that I need to work on that and I am, but obviously that is a work in progress for everyone. In the meantime.....????? UGH!

[ddree]

I guess what I am trying to say is that even if I have ONLY ONE glass of wine with a fully compliant meal, I STILL feel guilty. My cheats are ridiculous.....On my four "cheat days", this is what I had two bites of yogurt, some chips and salsa, sushi roll (rice), shared a bottle of wine with my husband and had one piece of dark chocolate (tiny). That is it!!!!!! I feel guilty no matter how well I do. I want to let that guilt go, but don't know how. That is where I was wondering if setting a goal to do a W20 after this weekend will help or will it just add fuel to this craziness fire?

[pjena]

Hi - Can you shift your thinking so that you think of "cheats" not as "cheats" but as experiments to see how you react to foods?

[JJB]

I was wondering if setting a goal to do a W20 after this weekend will help or will it just add fuel to this craziness fire?

So our situations are a bit different I guess. I don't know how to get over the guilt/feeling like a failure either. In my opinion though, it seems like doing any additional W20/30/whatevers will only delay these feelings for awhile. That is certainly one way to cope with it right now, but I'm afraid you might be right back in the same situation a month down the road?

I attempted a second W30 and just couldn't find the motivation to follow all the rules strictly again. I didn't have any major shockers during reintro (except sugar) so I guess I didn't see the need to be super-strict anymore (i.e. with supplements, small amounts of sugar in cooking, etc.). Once I gave myself permission to allow these types of things, the rest of it kinda fell apart. I eat really well generally so I'm not too worried about it. I just need to find that magic pill that makes me not think about food constantly anymore.

[ddree]

@nksl ~ No, I do hear what you are saying and yes, part of my concerns is that I am such a dominant type A and perfectionist that I am really hard on myself. This is something that I am aware of.

@ jjb~ Although our feelings of failure may stem from different venues, I do hear what you are saying. I think the hardest thing about this whole program for me is the transition stage. I ate 90/10% paleo before and then I did W30 and and was super strict and I DROPPED 12 LBS! Looking at that, you may see where my struggle lies. I was competing and strong before, but this really dialed me in. So I have a hard time letting go what is working, yet I am tired of feeling guilty when I enjoy life a little.

Honestly, I know this all sounds corny and I feel dumb even writing it down, but I am trying to figure out the balance when you transition. I don't know whether to plan ahead w/ another W20 or 30 or just move on some other way. I do think ultimately there needs to be a balance, but this is the one area I feel like I am lost with when it comes to the W30. There is a ton of support for while you are on it and it is super strict and regimented..... suggestions to reintroduce..... but now we are supposed to shift mindset and allow those things in as a treat? For the past 30+ days I have heard that if you slip up, then you failed and have to start over. My mind registered that and now that is how I see the W30 I guess. My mind just isn't wrapping around this. How do you let go without guilt and know that you will be okay when before the W30, you were pretty compliant but being strict eliminated health issues and 12lbs? Yes, I am a perfectionist. Yes, I am a fierce type A personality. Yes, I want to continue to reach my ultimate self.... I somehow got lost in this journey when it came to the transitions. That is my struggle. I can't be the only one, can I?

[pjena]

There are no slips or cheats post W30. It's up to you to determine whether any of the non-W30 foods fit into your lifestyle. From reading the forums, it seems that most people struggle with finding that balance. Some have strong physical or emotional reactions that help them determine that a food is not in their post W30 lifestyle. Everyone else just has to figure out what works for them. If only dairy and gluten give you trouble, then decide that they aren't worth it. Try not to put any judgment on your choices.

I know that eating almond butter or sunbutter or coconut butter after dinner every night isn't doing me any favors. It will not help me lose the last 5 lbs I want to lose to fit into my pants. It also makes my tummy not feel as good in the morning as it could. I am going to work on breaking what I know has become a bad habit. But, I won't let me beat up me over it. It's a bad habit that I can work on changing. It's not a personality flaw.

Good luck! Food is so emotional for many of us. We all seem to struggle with our choices outside of the strict W30.

[almcc]

For most of my life - I have either been on a diet or cheating. One extreme or the other. This is the mindset I have to work with when I finish my Whole Whatever. I have to practice -in my head and with my food- the concept of eating healthy. Which is neither dieting or cheating. We'll see how it goes.

[Fenderbender]

I don't mean to play psychologist with you, but it sounds like perhaps food is representing something more to you than nutrition and calories. It seems like perhaps you feel like the only options are being perfect and being a failure. No gray area, so anything other than perfect eating makes you a failure, instead of a person who eats well 99% of the time. If you find that this happens in other areas of your life (you feel like a failure if there's any imperfection in something you do) it might be work seeking out a therapist to talk about it.

Nskl makes a great point....

I have struggled with food disorders of one type or another my whole life, and the stress of it was killing me....

May really be well worth your while to talk to a professional counselor and use this as a time for personal growth and find out what makes you tick. I know I did and I got great relief.

I have been w30 for about a year now and last month went on my 1st vacation since.... I allowed myself plenty of off program foods but didn't go nuts on junk..... Started a fresh w30 the morning I got back. I really felt good about it and can see that my relationship with food has changed! In the past I would " diet", lose ten pounds and then go crazy and put it back on( feeling so guilty with the first bite of a cheat I defeated and punished myself by binging).

So relax and give yourself a break, experiment, but avoid trigger foods and foods without brakes..... It's all just fuel in the end.

[ddree]

After mulling this over and journaling a lot throughout this whole process, I do see it much clearer now. For me, I do really well with the black and white / yes and no type of plan. That is where this transition is getting to me... the yes, but not really type of answers. I've decided that to abide by the W30 type of plan throughout the majority of the whole week with my special occasions are my new black / white type of rules. The way I look at it, being complaint on M-F and then have a few small non-compliant items or so on the weekends, that still falls into the realm of where I need to be. I guess creating a little 'guideline' for me to follow helps me accept choices that I may make along the way. Thank you all for your advice. It helped me to reflect and approach it from a different view point.

[1Maryann]

I quit smoking over 12 years ago.  To this day, I will occasionally be near someone who lights up and for an instant I crave a cigarette.  Sometimes the cravings never go away, we just have to learn better responses to them.  In my case, I know that the craving will pass, so I just ride it out.  The fact that you still crave does not constitute failure.  The fact that you continue to resist the craving indicates success.