Whole 30 and your relationship(s)

[delvallex]

Hi all,

 

I'm doing my first whole 30 right now (Day 7) with my live-in partner, and we're exeriencing all of the ups and downs together. In general I'm glad we're doing it together and I think we both stand to see some real health benefits. I am the one who first found and decided to do this program and he's going along, even deciding to return to eating meat which he had not done for almost a year.

 

I'm feeling intermittently very moody, cranky, weepy, etc and I think I'm directing it all at him. Conversely he is super tired (was very very carb dependent before this), not thrilled about all this meat (we do fish once a day), and constantly asking me program questions/challenging my understanding of it. I'm trying to absolve myself of my feeling of responsibility to get it all right for both me and him.

 

I'm wondering though if other people are experiencing these phys/emotional ups and downs in their relationships/friendships/families, and how you deal with it? Also as a childless couple, our nights were usually about dinners/drinks out - that is less of an option - so perhaps we're feeling a little claustrophobic as well.

 

Thanks!

[msssjenna]

Me and my husband did our first round together.  We do have 3 kids together, but I dont think that had an effect.

 

My husband was very carb-dependent Pre-Whole30.  He relied heavily on protein shakes and enjoyed 1 too many reese cups.  He was never overweight and hits the gym every day. 

 

Our first week was his hell week.  He craved sugar, always wanted a snack, and was just not happy with what we had to eat.  He definitely went through the 'Kill all things' stage.  He was not willing to quit, thankfully.  He ate a lot of fruit, specifically watermelon.  That was his treat late at night.

 

I also had to make sure we were following the guidelines for each meal.  He is not a big vegetable person so eating vegetables for him was tough.  I felt like sticking to the guideline was key.  2 cups of vegetables at each meal helped tremendously.

 

As far as the night time - what about going for a walk?  going to the gym together?  something that lets you guys get out of the house but doesnt revolve around food.

 

We just finished our first Whole30 on Tuesday and spent last night discussing it.  He admitted to me that he didnt like the idea at first, but overall he feels 100% better. He is less cranky, has more energy, and doesnt need an afternoon nap anymore.  I have started my second round today by myself.  Even though he hasnt joined, he mentioned he will still continue to eat this way with a couple treats now and then.

 

sorry i didnt meant to turn this into a book. good luck.

[Jinkse21]

Congrats on getting your partner to do it with you!  As soon as my husband heard no alcohol, he ran the other way!    But even so, I can understand where you're coming from.  Even though he wasn't doing it, he would question why I was eating certain things and didn't seem to be happy with my answers and since I had to change how I was eating and he didn't, I got even more frustrated with him.  Have you asked him to read It Starts With Food or the info on the site so he can get a better understanding instead of relying on you?  I find that my husband listens to others before he listens to me even though I tell him the exact same thing.    Maybe you could read over sections together and discuss over dinner or while walking or something. 

 

Since you both are making all these changes to your diet at the same time, your roller coaster is a lot more challenging!  Lots of emotions and resentments in the beginning about not being able to have certain foods when you want them.  It may take awhile for your bodies to adjust but when they do, you'll have more energy and be a lot happier!  Hormonally, it could be a positive for you too! 

 

My husband and I don't have kids either so I definitely know what you mean about change in social lifestyle as well!  My husband kept asking me when the 30 days were going to be up so we could go out and drink.  Little did he know that I decided to make this a lifestyle choice so those social situations would be far and few between!

 

Good luck with the rest of your Whole30!!

[GFChris]

My husband and I are doing this together, although he can't follow it as strictly as I do because he cooks for a living and has to taste what he prepares. He's both coming along for the ride, but wants to slim down as well.

So far, 10 days in, we've had only one heated discussion, and it was about wine.  (We are big red wine fans.) He was insisting that there were studies touting all kinds of health benefits, and I got to the point where I pulled out the It Starts with Food book and read word-for-word the pages about how wine really has no health benefits. That, along with me saying I've chosen to shelve wine during the Whole30, but, at the moment, intend to consume it again (maybe not as frequently) once I'm done, finished the discussion.

I've read the book, he hasn't. I know he won't read it - he's just not that type of person. At the end of the day, we're each taking responsibility for what we put in our bodies.  I'm not taking responsibility to make sure he follows the plan as best he can.  It hasn't become a chore for me to explain parts of the plan to him when he asks, and I don't anticipate having to defend ISWF any further to him.  

Would your partner read ISWF, or at least the downloads they have available on the website?  Why is he doing the plan - is it just to go along for the ride with you, or is he seeking health benefits?  He's got to have enough motivation to stick with it.

We are also childless and would frequently go out to eat at least once a week before Whole30.  That's decreased a bit (more due to his work schedule vs. Whole30). If you're feeling claustrophobic, find other ways to enjoy each other's company. Can you make a paleo picnic and go somewhere with it? If you like having company, can you prepare a Paleo-compliant meal for others? Or options not involving food out: a concert, museum, movie, art gallery, etc.

Hang in there, find ways that you can re-center/calm yourself (e.g., deep breathing, meditation), and recognize the only behavior you can control is your own.   


 

[malie]

Yep, it's tough when you're both crabby and can't run to the usual comforts—snacks, dinner out, wine, beer, etc.

 

I agree with the posters above, get him to read ISWF so he can understand the WHY behind it all. My hubby is reading the book now, about 3/4 through. He's been balking at certain rules when I tell him, but then he'll get to that part in the book and say, "Oh, I get why you didn't want me to snack on fruit." It really helps us be on the same page (pun intended).

 

Also... just... try being nice to each other, even when you're really crabby and don't want to. Make yourself go out of your way to do something extra sweet for him. It helps.

[delvallex]

thanks for the kind words and good ideas!

i've tried to get him to read the book, to no avail. but he is bought in, at least for the next 22 days! i'm also implementing some more alone time - took myself out to a museum last night (wild friday night!), which is a good change of pace and i think the space away from each other during our cranky times is helpful.

the reminder to be kind to each other is much appreciated.

[JJB]

 I'm trying to absolve myself of my feeling of responsibility to get it all right for both me and him.

 

This is an important point, and I hope you are successful. My boyfriend and I did a W30 in January, and are still mostly sticking to the plan. I made a few mistakes early on...he really wanted Larabars and various nuts around for snacking. Those are a no-brakes food for me, and I eventually had to get over buying them just to keep him happy because I don't want them around. I also don't agree with the frequency or composition of his snacks, but I no longer comment on it. He now buys his own Larabars (and keeps them out of my sight) and is fine with just pistachios, which I don't care about (cashews and hazelnuts were my downfall though). And then there's vegetables. I was stressing every day over making sure he ate vegetables at every meal. I was making salads (which I don't want, because of the work...and making salad dressing...etc), and harping on him to heat up frozen veggies whenever we didn't have salads. I had to give that up. He needs to take some responsibility for his diet, and I already spend plenty of time preparing my own vegetables. Now he never adds veggies unless it's cauliflower mash (that I have made), sweet potatoes (that I bake every week), or it's mixed in to our casseroles/stews. And that's OK. It's not MY problem if he doesn't eat enough veggies!