missmunchie

Husband/Wife/Spouse/Partner Not With the Program?

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Hey senews, 

 

Make a list of 5 quick meals he can pick up for both of you.

Does he mean fast food, or stuff from the shop to cook real food?

If it's fast food, even if W30 stuff is available, it might be good to talk about life goals and fast food (no one ever wishes they ate more fast food when they get older), how much is okay a week, a month, etc. What's totally not okay (boundaries).

 

My partner really struggles with what's allowed and what's not as I've tried a lot of different diets in my life and special elminations too, so some simple easy to use lists may go a long way if it's just confusion.

We now have a few go-to things we can both eat together for: favourite restaurants, take away, supermarket quick-shop and stuff we can make from cupboard items (salmon patties from canned salmon) or the freezer (meals I make that are frozen - for me).

When it comes to "both eat", think outside the box. I can get take away grilled fish a few doors down from a pizza place, so he can have pizza and I can get grilled fish, without much extra effort. If he feels he's really "missing out" to help you be compliant, he may subconciously push back more and make you miserable. I keep stock of a few treats in the cupboard (and the beloved Nutella), so he has "something else" available, and it also means I can buy healther treats (he'll eat whatever is there, if he likes it).

 

it's been hard on him because he doesn't know how to pick up quick meals for both of us that I can eat and that he just doesn't totally get why I'm doing this. 

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Thanks, amberino21 and praxisproject! I think a list of quick meals to pick up at the store (neither of us is a huge fast-food person and he has the good sense to know that while fast food may taste good while he's eating it, it's rarely worth the way he feels after) as well as decide on some clear boundaries to share with him. I did voice my concern with "moderation" quickly sliding into "eating like I used to," so having a once-a-week non-compliant meal sounds fine to me if I can stick to that, but I was never very good at moderation. However, if I have clear goals and guidelines, it's easier for him to know what to expect and to support me. And I'm hoping he actually reads ISWF so he'll understand better where I'm coming from!

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I am wondering of these lovely people.....has being W30/Paleo truly put a strain on your marriage? I don't know if it possible for a long term plan for me when my husband is not on board and "can't wait for my 30 days to be over". Sorry if this is too personal, just curious how this can all play out in the long term. Thanks.

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I am wondering of these lovely people.....has being W30/Paleo truly put a strain on your marriage? I don't know if it possible for a long term plan for me when my husband is not on board and "can't wait for my 30 days to be over". Sorry if this is too personal, just curious how this can all play out in the long term. Thanks.

I think you need to eat the foods that make you feel the best. Your husband should support you not matter what. My husband doesn't eat paelo and probably thinks I am crazy. I have had some health issues and eating paleo has helped with the pain so I have a specific reason to eat this way. Since I do most of the cooking I compromise with my husband. I'll make a paleo spaghetti sauce with meat balls and then make his noodles and make my spaghetti squash. Yes it is more work for me but then he can't complain. I do not try to force him to eat healthy but since most of the paleo food is so good he ends up eating paleo. I am sensing a negative tone about paelo for you, forgive me if I am off the mark. Maybe you feel deprived. Perhaps your husband is picking up on this negative emotion and wants you to stop doing this so you will be happy. Maybe he just wants his junk food buddy back.

 

Remember the Whole30 is not a WholeLIFE. I bet you will be able to find a balance that works for your family, even if it means pizza once in a while. I wish you all the best and hope you find the support you need to keep going. 

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I tried searching for this subject, but I was unable to find what I was looking for.

 

Long story short, I have an amazing husband, but he thinks this whole "elimination" think is silly and extra stress and if I just gave up candy and worked out more I would see the fitness results without having to do something so time-consuming and socially isolating. He doesn't get the other reasons I'm trying to do this (stabilize my hormones, more energy, deal with allergies, etc.). Because changing your diet is all about weight loss, right? :rolleyes: 

 

He's really cool about it as long as I make the food. He just eats what I put in front of him without complaint. But if he's in charge of dinner, it's 7-Eleven hot dogs. Plus, he's extremely social and routinely invites people over to our place for cocktails. I like our friends and I'm fine with my San Pellegrino, but I'm tired of the awkward "why aren't you drinking" conversations (pretty sure they think I'm pregnant by now) and when I need to go to bed they're still around and I don't want to be rude and leave the party.

 

I guess it's also hard because I would really love to do this with him. But since he's incredibly fit and one of those 80/20 paleo folks, there's little I can do to convince him that it would be a good change.

 

Is anyone else doing this program and receiving apathy, resistance and/or sabotage from their partner? I guess I'm just looking for people to fight the good fight with  :)

Yes I am doing this by myself. My husband and friends all think I am crazy. But that is ok, it is not about them it is about me. Yes going to cocktail parties or having people over is very hard. Here is a trick I learned from Melissa Joulwan - The Clothes Make The Girl. Get a fancy glass add some sparkling water and a couple olives (Maybe a martini glass) or a toothpick with some fruit on it. Now nobody knows that you are not drinking and they should stop asking you why you are not drinking. Another trick I learned is to get a plate of food and walk around with it. Then everyone thinks you are eating and will get off your case. Yes these are little white lies but when you have to deal with this over and over it is just easier to do this. Also I eat before I go anywhere that way I am not tempted to eat off the plan.

 

This is all about you and your health. Stand strong and do what works for you. Hopefully when we start to feel amazing it won't seem so hard anymore.

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Mom2A&M - I can completely understand where you are coming from.  It is so aggravating at times for me, but mostly because I want people to understand that what they are putting in their bodies is not good for them and they will feel better if they just try it for a period of time.  I am blessed in the fact that my husband does eat whatever I make and will stay on board as long as I am for the most part.  The problem is with my step children and my husband's attitude towards his kids and food.  His 13 and 16 year old WILL eat all the food I make and have enjoyed it, but he still has this "I don't want to deprive my children" mentality about not giving them junk food.  He feels bad because before I came into the picture about 6 months ago when we got married, they did have more cookies and crap around the house.  When I do go off track, we do have cookies (or some junk type food) now and again, so it is not like they are not getting it ever.  It just doesn't seem to be often enough for the kids in his eyes.  He seems to be slowly coming around though, and especially now that he is noticing how horrible he feels when he eats bad food!

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Mom2A&M - We've been together 11 years and I've had quite a few changes to my eating over the years, he generally is very supportive, but gets pretty confused about what you can and can't have as he measures everything by "I like this" and "I don't like this", he's never been on a diet in his life :) lucky duck. That said, he knows how important it is to me and how important it is to my health. He thought the Whole30 thing was a bit silly to begin with, but he could see the difference during reintroduction, how things impacted my health. I think it really hit home when I tried to do the gluten challenge (bailed out Day 8 when the heart palpitations got scary), I knew I'd feel sick so I wasn't surprised when I got ill, but he really freaked out, he could see how sick I was and wanted me to go to hospital emergency immediately and stop the challenge. In hindsight he actually assessed that better than I did, I didn't realise how sick I was getting, but he could see it was far beyond "okay". I was so determined to complete it so I could have the test, I let it go too far.

 

Now sometimes I occasionally get a "is that really what you want?" comment, which I'm really happy with :) He likes this question better than "are you allowed this?" He likes rules, so doesn't have any difficulty understanding the concept. Sometimes I don't eat what I really want, I make something quick instead and it's good when he calls me on any shortcuts :)

 

I don't try and get him to eat paleo, he's very healthy and doesn't gain weight and isn't a person who responds well to pushing of anything. If he wants to change things, he will, I'll let him do whatever in his own time, he's not sick and has no urgent needs to change anything. He's pretty 80/20 on junky stuff anyway, he likes vegetables and good food, but he doesn't like to fuss about what he eats. He cooks his own meals and we've often eaten like that over the years (cook our own meals) as many of the foods we like are not mutually loved :)

 

I've found when it was a cause of stress between us, sometimes he struggled with explaining why it was stressful, sometimes I'm not sure he understood why it was stressing him. Spending too much time in "food jail" I think is always a contributing factor, I didn't always spend this much time in the kitchen before, so it was a lifestyle change.

 

The other thing that was a change, which we've now found a happy balance for is food shopping. He hates all forms of shopping, it's written all over his face if he has to do it. He used to come to farmers markets and things, but he was so miserable it made me miserable. We now get meat and veggies delivered so they only thing we shop for is stuff like washing powder and he's much happier with that :) Actually, I am too! :D

 

Writing it out like this makes me realise, both of the big changes were time related.

 

If you're taking extra time to do something, you're usually taking it from somewhere and in my case it was taken from quality time together. Getting groceries delivered gives us a whole stack of quality time back :)

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I originally decided that I wanted to do Whole30 and when I asked my hubby if he would do it with me for support, he agreed. We are on Day 3, and he is already complaining about being bored with his food, despite the fact that I have done nothing the past five days except grocery shopping, prepping food, research and coming up with exciting and fun recipes, cooking everything, and prepping all of his meals and mine. The only help I have gotten from him, is that he cooked the first big batch of  chicken on the grill four days ago. 

A little background - as a former collegiate athlete, I have always been very health conscious, and have tried out many different diets over the years, experimenting with what works best for me, even severely restricting calories and over-exercising for periods of time. In short, I have great will power and knew exactly what I was getting myself into. This is the first time he has ever done something like this before, and although he ate generally healthy before, I know the mental shift for him is probably a big one. Before we started, he was insisting that this was going to be "so much easier for him" than it was going to be for me, because I ate oatmeal and plain greek yogurt every day and he had no habitual daily foods (despite the fact that he normally eats bread, cheese, and candy daily). 

 

Anyway, I will end my rant. I am just really looking for some advice on how I can help motivate him or make it so that he is not dragging me down! If it weren't for his negative attitude, I would be enjoying the process so much more! I love my husband and want him to be successful but I want to enjoy my process too! Any suggestions?!

Thank you so much!

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Hi @FitBritt32 - this topic has been discussed a bunch. I'm merging your thread with another popular thread and have linked another here and an article by Melissa about just this thing.  

https://whole30.com/2016/03/dear-melissa-husband/

Generally if you google search "Whole30 + your topic" you'll get a wealth of info. I found all of these by googling "Whole30 husband"

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My fiance says he is doing Whole30 with me but when we go out with friends he makes sure to let everyone know that I am not drinking.  He then drinks glass after glass of wine with our friends, orders totally non- compliant, and then a huge dessert.  While I struggle to find something on the menu that I can eat.  I sat there for a long time without my food because I put the chef in a tail spin ordering a dish minus pasta and butter sauce over steamed spinach.  Everyone was almost finished with their meal when I finally got mine...to be honest, I do not think it was compliant.  The chef was just too frustrated with me.  It was not a good experience and makes me fearful of going out again.  It makes me so sad because we had a fight when we got back to our boat.  We NEVER fight.  He says I am a stick in the mud and make everyone uncomfortable.  

I guess I stick to this life changing way of eating because so far my skin looks so much better, people who have not seen me for a while say " your skin is gorgeous...it just glows", my clothes are fitting so much better, my hair is really looking healthy, I have not had my blood checked yet but I am on cholesterol medication...I think this will make a difference, I sleep soundly...I used to toss and turn until 1or2 in the mornng and then get 3-4 hours of sleep, now I am getting pretty close to 8 hours!  I have a family history of diabetes and would love to avoid that in my life.

one guy on our dock even said I did not recognize you!  I think I will feign a stomach ache next time we are supposed to go out to eat.  Then my fiance can go out with our friends and I won't be such an embarrassment.

i am just so sad right now.

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https://whole30.com/2016/03/dear-melissa-husband/

"Finally, remember you and your husband just may not be in the same place with changing diet and your habits. If now isn’t the right time for him, that’s okay. The only person you are responsible for is you, so don’t let anyone’s actions deter your commitment to yourself, and changing your relationship with food."

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6 hours ago, Luvmyyacht said:

My fiance says he is doing Whole30 with me but when we go out with friends he makes sure to let everyone know that I am not drinking.  He then drinks glass after glass of wine with our friends, orders totally non- compliant, and then a huge dessert.  While I struggle to find something on the menu that I can eat.  I sat there for a long time without my food because I put the chef in a tail spin ordering a dish minus pasta and butter sauce over steamed spinach.  Everyone was almost finished with their meal when I finally got mine...to be honest, I do not think it was compliant.  The chef was just too frustrated with me.  It was not a good experience and makes me fearful of going out again.  It makes me so sad because we had a fight when we got back to our boat.  We NEVER fight.  He says I am a stick in the mud and make everyone uncomfortable.  

I guess I stick to this life changing way of eating because so far my skin looks so much better, people who have not seen me for a while say " your skin is gorgeous...it just glows", my clothes are fitting so much better, my hair is really looking healthy, I have not had my blood checked yet but I am on cholesterol medication...I think this will make a difference, I sleep soundly...I used to toss and turn until 1or2 in the mornng and then get 3-4 hours of sleep, now I am getting pretty close to 8 hours!  I have a family history of diabetes and would love to avoid that in my life.

one guy on our dock even said I did not recognize you!  I think I will feign a stomach ache next time we are supposed to go out to eat.  Then my fiance can go out with our friends and I won't be such an embarrassment.

i am just so sad right now.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling sad.  It's definitely not easy when not only are you doing something like this alone, but your support system is anything but supportive.  I wasn't there, so I can't say, but I hardly think the chef was frustrated... people have food requirements all the time... 

As far as your fiance goes, maybe he was uncomfortable, but that's his to own, not yours... why would what you order make anyone uncomfortable and since when did your fun factor hinge on what you eat?  I think that calling your significant other a stick in the mud is completely unacceptable and unnecessarily mean... especially over something as basic as a meal.

I would feel sad too... being disrespected is sad and you didn't deserve that!

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