Daily Affirmations... with Jess ;-)

[Jessica M.]

First, a huge thank you to everyone who encouraged me during the past few weeks in my other, very depressing post/log. I am going to take all of your advice and try to be kinder to myself and concentrate on the positive stuff and stop kicking myself for the past (and present) mistakes, and slips on the road. It's a learning curve. I'm a decent person. I'm somewhat smart. I deserve to be treated with the kindness I would show someone else learning the ropes of a totally different lifestyle. I am trying to recommit myself to finding better health and a healthy weight and a peaceful mind and soul. I can't work on that effectively work on that or attract that to myself wallowing in negativity. On a good day I know these things. I can't rule out future pity parties (unfortunately drama queen is my nature, and apparently my chemical wackadoodleness as well, despite medication). But. Will be trying. Starting with a fresh new log.

 

It's been ages it seems since my Whole 45 at the start of the year and I don't think I can adhere to another one quite yet. (Why are January/February so conducive to cooking all your own meals?). But I'm continually taking in information and trying to get back to acting on some of it. 

 

Goals for this week (doing ok so far):

 

no grains

no nuts or nut butters (foods without brakes)

no chips of any kind even if they are sweet potato chips (food without brakes)

no more Coke Zero (was back to having it almost daily... evil)

no cheese

no chocolate/candy

 

It's only been Monday-Wednesday but already my mood is much improved. Is it the flavor of the week or is it that just a couple of days back off of bread and cereal have already helped? Who knows, but I'll take it. I've been miserable. And then I get guilty and angry because really so many things give me joy. I need to quit defining myself by my size. My husband is amazing. My son and daughter are amazing. They all love me jus how I am. My dogs love me ridiculously. I have so much love and help and support. I even like my job. So... come on already. 

 

My on-sale Spiral veggie slicer came in the mail yesterday. HUGE FUN! I had a (nearly) football sized sweet potato that I twirled into noodles last night and some were over 2 feet long. Made an impromptu "sauce" for those and zucchini "noodles" out of spinach, olive oil, anchovy paste, lemon juice, etc., it was pretty good. I may have overcooked and under salted but it was quite fun anyway. I see lots of curly foods in my family's near future. OH and since I maimed myself on my mandolin slicer I got some kevlar-coated gloves as well. 

 

I've decided why Whole30 worked and why I got so easily way off track is that I can NOT do moderation. I can't. I suck at moderation. So, I need to channel my inner stubborn Italian (I'm half Italian, plus Irish and German on Mom's side and Puerto Rican by marriage) and just decide to swear off all my triggers till my health and well being are improved and I have met some of my health goals (healthy weight, off anxiety meds, clear sinuses, better mental health, less aches and pains, etc.) and find fun ways to exercise and really embrace the kind of life(style) I want to be living and get far enough away from THIS that I don't so easily fall back to square one. IT could be a year. It could be six months. It could be three years. I don't expect it to be perfect, but I can't plan to add back these things or when I do I will go haywire (took, what, 30 years of failed diets to see this?).

 

I have mentioned this before but my Dad (Stubborn, charming, Italian New Yorker, gruff and lovable) became diabetic in his 50s and rather than be bothered with exchanges and all that he just said "I can't have sugar" and DID NOT HAVE IT. When he decided to stop smoking cigars he JUST STOPPED. See? I need to DO THAT! I am so much better at being stubborn than I am at bargaining with myself over how many teaspoons or handfuls of something I can have. I don't do well with that. So. That's the new plan. Maybe people here will understand because my husband and best friend still think moderation and calories in and out are the answer. But the more I think about all this reading, I think there are deeper long-set-in things happening in my body and mind that need healing. And I DO need to be more mindful about hunger cues and satiety and exercise and stress management (hey, there's something called Whole 9????). But I am seeing that I just need to say "this is how I eat now" and OWN it and ACCEPT it and know that if I keep it up the health will find me and the weight will fall to a healthy place and my mental clarity will improve and as things get better I can feel better about myself for making these choices.

 

So, thanks to anyone/everyone who read this and my other posts. I do go on. Thanks. I'll be shooting for more positivity from now on.  :-)

 

P.S. My dad turns 88 this year, so stubbornness works.

[calee]

My dad was exactly the same way. Cold turkey? No problem. He never understood why I was fat. Just stop eating, right?

So I totally relate about moderation. I suck at it to.

I'm so happy to read that you're on a quest to be kinder to yourself. I bet many of us could use a dose of that!

[Nadia B]

Oh now, we talk, lady! Do not overthink if you've made less than ideal choice. Admit it and own it. World is not crashing and there is not number of trials allowed, all the time you have. You know the goal, you are going towards it. Confidence that sooner or later grains/sugars/whatever else won't be an issue to you will make it easier. Our brain acts like a demanding baby at times, it doesn't like changes. It want everything as usual. You have to teach "the new usual" to it. Strange as it sounds I found some relief in being miserable and saying nonononono to myself at the very beginning. Because the feeling of victory at the end of the day is worth it. Then you start to feel different and won't want to lose it. Crashes and craving suck but this is how it's supposed to be. Goooood luck! You deserve feeling better and your family deserves to have happier and healthier you! 

[pjena]

I suck at moderation, too.

 

I'm so glad to read that you're going to focus on the positive and be kinder to yourself!  You do deserve to be treated with kindness - by yourself as well as others.  Keep the positive thoughts flowing!

[Emma]

We are trying out cheese today and as I was slicing it, I felt a fear that it would be a food without brakes.  I didn't actually use those words but as soon as I read your post, I was reminded of that phrase.  Dangerous things those things we can't moderate well! 

 

There were two articles fairly recently that I think are kind of interesting.  One talks about how some people's brains are triggered by carbs to want to eat more.  It made so much sense to me!

 

Last year I went to a community weight loss group which was helpful because it kept me on track, but it was SO annoying to have slim peppy people telling me that I just need to enjoy my food in the moment a bit more and listen to my body telling me it was full.  They'd also refer to this notion that kid's naturally stop eating when they're full and so we should try to get back to that.  ARG!  My kid doesn't have a stop button when it comes to carbs and sugars.  I never felt full.  I ate more because I wanted it and it tasted good and it seemed to fit in.  What those peppy young mainstream dieticians didn't say was that the stop button happens when you're eating real foods (whole30 foods).  It doesn't always happen when you're eating the other stuff.

 

So I like these articles because they help support that idea that it's not just all in your head when it comes to trying to moderate.

 

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/06/27/how-carbs-can-trigger-food-cravings/

 

This next one is more about gut bacteria and inflammation in the body.  It hit home for me and seemed to support what many of us are trying to do.

 

http://www.motherjones.com/environment/2013/04/gut-microbiome-bacteria-weight-loss

 

And I think all of us who are trying this out and biffing it and sticking with it and coming back to it all should be kinda proud of ourselves.  We're figuring good things out and it's pretty crazy hard.

 

Oh my gosh - I just remembered another article.  Grinning - it's like I've got tiger blood or something

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/magazine/the-extraordinary-science-of-junk-food.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

 

This one is way interesting about how the junk food industry actually designs their foods to bypass our normal stop-eating processes.   

 

Good luck to you this week!

[Nadia B]

Yes, last one. This food is designed to be addictive. It's not your lack of willpower, it's a very bright doc using biology so you crave it. Frankenfood.

[sunnymama]

Oh thank you so much for this thread.  I too Suck Big Time at moderation. Hang tough and good luck with your goals this week, I'll be rooting for you.  

The NY Times article EandKfamily linked to is perfect.    

[Jessica M.]

Thanks, all! I can't wait to read those articles. All this makes so much sense to me, it's just finding ways (and strength, and persistence) to implement it daily! Until it's cemented in my life!

 

Good things this week:

• three days now I ate breakfast AT HOME and not in my car or at my desk. Yay!
• sticking to my mini goals except got a salad yesterday and forgot to say no cheese. Not killing myself over it. I didn't sit down with a plate of cheese and crackers. It's alllllll fiiiiiinnnnne. 
• Lots and lots of veggies. 
• Mentally in a better place.

Less good: weighed myself this morning. Ugh. Trying to shove it out of my mind. It can live in the back of my mind, actually, as a baseline for the future.

 

I keep channeling SNL or something and laughing,"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it..."

 

Today I will nourish my body with good foods and nourish my mind/soul with good thoughts. When the negativity comes to me I will push it out. Have a good day, everyone. 

[calee]

I always think of it as changing the station in my mind. I try to keep it as simple as not liking an ad or a song I don't like. Freedom to chose to give it energy or not. No free rent for negative energy. You're doing great!

[Nadia B]

Oh please, keep it up. I think this is the first post that sounds positive in a while!

[Physibeth]

I love the attitude that is emerging in this thread! I look forward to it becoming more and more positive! I also suck at moderation. Honestly I think most people do. I am good at digging my heals in and being stubborn. Focusing on all the good things really does help. We tend to be what we decide we are. 

 

Love that SNL quote!

[sunnymama]

Love the positive outlook-- get it girl!  

[Emma]

Eating at home is a big deal!  Definitely credit worthy.

[Jessica M.]

Breakfast fail this morning: Kids wanted pancakes, I wanted eggs. There were just 3 eggs left (kids and hubby are on summer break, they are  throwing off my grocery knowledge). Made them their pancakes with 2 of them, saw my green plantains and thought I would do a half-remembered plantain pancake for myself. That recipe is plantains, eggs, coconut oil, and I think some baking powder. One egg didn't make it smooth enough. Had some chia seed in the closet I'd bought to try with some egg free recipes a while back. Made chia gell "egg" thing for the first time. Put that in. Had some flax seed meal in the pantry next to that, threw in 1/4 of that thinking "nutrition!" and... eww. It was really icky and water-seed tasting. Who can I give away those chia seeds to? ;-)  Maybe my mom in law will play with them. Also, the flax. I have to stick to hiding it in muffins I think. Have to go to my Pinterest and find the real recipe because it WAS AWESOME. It was slightly sweet and pancakey enough to have when the kids have pancakes and feel like I am not missing out. I finished off some left over meatballs. Now I'm too full.

 

Well... off to buy a lot of eggs and meat. 

 

Also, veggies have dwindled to lettuce, japanese eggplant, bok choy and spaghetti squash. Ate all my wonderful spinach. Hubby ate all my mushrooms. 

 

Last week I went to this far-off asian market kind of vegetable stand, in a bad area too, but they had so much cool stuff and it reminded me of home, LOL. Like shopping in Jamaica or Flushing (Queens, NY). All kinds of crazy veggies you never see. Strange fruit. Dozen types of mushrooms. I wish it was closer so I could go there every week. They had a crazy meat section too. Piles of kidneys and hearts, LOL. Not THAT Brave yet, and surely they are not grass fed and all that, but I was cracking up and my sister in law and daughter did not know why. Hahahahahahahaha. Big restaurant size crazy nasty foods and also loose tea and all kinds of nifty stuff. 

 

Ok, gotta go. Want to pick something up before the dance studio closes at 12. 

[Jessica M.]

So... weekend was ok until I sabotaged myself at dinner and after dinner last night. I tend to do that. I am trying to not dwell on it and just move forward. But in the spirit of accountability... we went out to dinner and I had a margarita the size of my head followed by other really yummy mexican food. Avoided the chips and salsa waiting for my "fajita salad", but forgot to ask if it came in a deep fried shell of wonder as mexican restaurant salads often do. It was greasy and crunchy and beautiful so I wound up eating it ALL. And there was cheese and sour cream in that "salad" too. I'm not sure there was much salad in the salad. Then the whole ride home, I was kinda tipsy from the margarita and the tortilla shell thing and could not stop thinking about chocolate. Made s'mores "for the kids" and had that too. So, chocolate graham crackers with marshmallows and chocolate chips. All crappy brands too, not like it was all from Whole Foods Market or anything to at least save me a little. Actually, between dinner and smores I actually puked a little in the bathroom (sorry, TMI) and not entirely unprovoked either. Was feeling like I could throw up and didn't want to take medicine and... helped things along. I don't do that regularly and it was nearly on its way up anyway but if I just left myself feeling gross, maybe I would not have made those smores. Embarassed.

 

Anyway. we did a bunch of cleaning yesterday but I didn't get to my cooking or my work work (computer work). But, since the hubby and kids are on summer break, I only had to get myself ready this morning so I put breakfast and lunch together for myself and ate AT HOME, SITTING DOWN. So, back on track. 

 

Breakfast was 3 mini zucchini sauteed in a pat of butter, then 2 eggs mixed in on the stovetop. Made coffee with cream at work. Hand hovered over the sugar a few seconds battling my will but I had it w/o sugar. If I am still gonna have that morning coffee, I have to at least forego sweetening it. 

 

I almost always have my phone handy, so maybe if I start logging my food, with  photos, I can feel and be more accountable. 

 

So, that's my confession. 

 

Feeling angry with myself but trying to let it go. If, if, if only. I have many of those in my head right now. And I have my trip to Vegas coming up at the start of September. My work trips always derail me. Trying to think how I am going to weather that. My only current plan is to pal around with a friend at work who eats organic for her RA and eat like her, and/or there's a girl in customer service I only get to see at the conferences who's really cool who is all gluten free. I can check out what they're eating at our catered breakfasts and lunches. LOL. 

 

Interesting. Why are my photos sideways?

[Jessica M.]

Also... JEALOUSY I am trying to purge from my brain: When I found It Starts With Food, I told one of my good friends about it and she was soon on the band wagon and even got her brother to do  Whole30 with her. She is seeing remarkable improvements in how she feels and has dropped a bunch of weight. I am super happy for her but super jealous that I can't keep MYSELF on track and have the same results. I should be celebrating with her and not just sitting here grumpy that I found it first. LOL. I'm horrible. 

[Jessica M.]

Lunch: lettuce topped with cucumber salad I made Saturday (cucumbers, olive oil, red onion, splash of raw apple cider vinegar) and 3 thin chicken cutlets cooked in drop of olive oil. Wanted to have half of the avocado I brought but it feels too hard still and I don't even really like these "california" avocados I bought. Thought it was just hard from the fridge. Oh well. 

 

[Jessica M.]

 

Dinner: Hubby had dinner ready and it was so good I scarfed it down before remembering I wanted to take pics. Baked salmon, sweet potato with a dab of butter, zucchini cooked in coconut oil. Had seconds of zucchini and salmon. Hubby's cooking is hit or miss. This was a hit!

 

I should have been full but I baked a couple of plantains for a snack later. Hubby had a couple of pieces but I had most of it (2 plantains, pan oiled with coconut oil). Should have skipped having a snack/dessert, but I suppose it's better than ice cream or pretzels. 

[Nadia B]

Salmon + sweet potato, mmm. Plantain? Oh way better. Get your solid routine and decision making to work first. You'll worry about baked plantain or desserts later. You have bigger guys fight Keep the streak going.

[Nadia B]

Something to think about later too. Tough love kinda article.

http://robbwolf.com/2013/07/11/9010-8020-4060-whats-paleo-percentage/?inf_contact_key=f1aa981de99abfec3da52e809de6184ed0d28474707de2ecb2f0410a882f6f4d

[Beets]

I always think of it as changing the station in my mind. I try to keep it as simple as not liking an ad or a song I don't like. Freedom to chose to give it energy or not. No free rent for negative energy. You're doing great!

Brilliant Calee!

[Beets]

Nadia that article was just what I needed to read! I say this as I just ate a piece of cantaloupe my daughter rejected with a drop of whole grass fed yogurt and my stomach is churning and in stabbing pain. I just cannot eat this stuff and I have to stop being a baby about it and move forward.

J, I can't help but think how much easier it is when you eliminate everything at once v trying to moderate. BTDT. I just went through a week long "but I want it!" stage and I felt like junk. More to the point, eating crap physiologically makes you want more crap. I hear your arguments to the contrary (and have made them myself, many times) but it really is easier after the first few days to take it all out at once. Waaaay easier than just taking out wheat or just taking out sugar.

[Jessica M.]

That's funny, I read that article last night. No, I counted the baked plantains as "dessert"... Sunday was sucky enough, have to be back on track. Concentrating on being stubborn. Need to just say "I don't eat that any more"

 

Would be helpful if I was actually allergic to something. Obviously when I can do a decent length of time w/o and have some healing, I will notice a difference if something gets back in, but 45 days wasn't enough. And since then I haven't made it more than 2 weeks, not enough. Wondering how messed up my gut is and if it will take me six months or a year to see real improvement. Doctors say "you're great!" (except the weight, obviously). So that gets frustrating because I don't FEEL great.

 

That said... the past week my anxiety/depression/mood has been a LOT better. I've been trying to eat well. So it's at least part that. Also, I have stopped taking the Wellbutrin in the morning (an upper that never actually upped me) and have not been taking Zyrtec-D because finally someone pointed out (Allergist) that it can worsen anxiety (duh!). Thankfully the combination of the new nasal spray and the removal of 2/3 of the carpeting in my house has improved my sinus issues (daily headaches that only Zyrtec-D would even marginally break up). I still have a funky feeling on my left side of my face from the sinuses, but that's been bugging me for years so I'll take any improvements. But if even trying on the foods has already helped, getting really clean will help. Would like to get to the point where I can say it's been months since I had any grains/sugar. I will. I will. I will.

 

Breakfast today (no pic  ): scrambled eggs with some wholly guacamole and a couple of fistfuls of spinach cooked in a bit of coconut oil. Coffee with cream (no sweetener/sugar). Lost interest in it part way through. I am whittling it down. 

 

Have a good day, all!

 

PS- Small pat on the back from Monday: There was "Chocolate Crazy Cake" at work for someone's birthday and I didn't have any. Stood back trying not to even smell it. LOL. This is GOOD cake that a friend at work makes from scratch nearly every month for b-days. Chocolate cake with chocolate chocolate chip icing. Mmmmmm. One day in the far future I will get this awesome baker friend to make me a flourless cake for my b-day. I don't need cake for other people's birthdays.     Considered making myself another coffee or getting a Coke Zero as a substitute for the cake, but didn't do that either. Sang to the birthday girl and refilled my water. One good day doesn't fix me, but it was still a good thing. 

[Jessica M.]

Nadia that article was just what I needed to read! I say this as I just ate a piece of cantaloupe my daughter rejected with a drop of whole grass fed yogurt and my stomach is churning and in stabbing pain. I just cannot eat this stuff and I have to stop being a baby about it and move forward. J, I can't help but think how much easier it is when you eliminate everything at once v trying to moderate. BTDT. I just went through a week long "but I want it!" stage and I felt like junk. More to the point, eating crap physiologically makes you want more crap. I hear your arguments to the contrary (and have made them myself, many times) but it really is easier after the first few days to take it all out at once. Waaaay easier than just taking out wheat or just taking out sugar.

YES! I am trying to implement this as my new way of being. I just need to stick to my OFF LIMITS list a la Whole 30. I can't sustain "Whole" right now but am going to stick to my list. I am blocking out Sunday. I am moving forward. I am being stubborn.

[Nadia B]

Maybe rephrasing to "This is not what I eat" instead of "anymore". Perspective is everything! And super well done on the cake. Remember this feeling of triumph.