Emotional Eating or Lack There Of

[smurphy]

I just started my 2nd Whole30 (Day 1) and this time I have some friends doing it as well.  They all actually started last month, but they messed up their Whole30s and have started over...a couple of times.

 

Here's my problem.  Since I'm the only one who's been through a Whole 30 (it was actually a Whole50...just had to brag), they are all calling me for support when they mess up and eat their feelings.  They call me and say, "I had a bad day at work and ate a Subway sandwich.  I feel terrible."

 

I am in no way an emotional eater.  I do not get it.  When I have a bad day, I go take a nap or a bubble bath.  So, when my friends call, I feel like I'm being insensitive.  I want to help them, but I don't know what to say.

 

If anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it.  I want my friends to succeed and feel better, but I feel like I'm not able to support them because I just don't have the experience.

[NMG]

Ahh. Bless you for trying to help!

 

I'm an emotional eater, and to be honest I'm not sure what someone could say to me to help? There comes a point when "There there, it's ok" is just enabling/allowing the slip-ups.

 

Depending how well you nkow them, could you start being nosey about what is actually bothering them? Why Subway? How did they feel before? During? After? Can you get them to to call you BETWEEN the bad day and the Subway - so you can perhaps distract them until the urge passes?

 

Also send them here to find out for themselves what's going on

[Tallulah Wolf-Angel]

I too am an emotional eater. I eat to celebrate if things go well, and I eat to cheer myself up if things go bad. What's making the difference for me on my Whole90 (today is Day 50) is finding some compliant things that I can use for comfort foods. One of these is a sweet potato with ghee. Another is carbonated water with fresh lime squeezed into it (hey, it's not a Coke, but it IS really refreshing and happy-making!). I do understand the draw of a Subway sandwich or some good greasy fries, and I still want these things, but I would not trade the progress I have made for them. Hopefully, as your friends get farther into the Whole30 and start to see some benefits, they will get some perspective. But it is a commitment, and if they're not ready, no one can do it for them. It takes really being ready to change, and it takes knowing that you are worth spending time, effort, and money on. A lot of people are simply not yet there in their development. It took me 60 years to get here.

[amberino21]

I like NMG's suggestion of questioning them as to why they felt they needed it, how they felt etc. it might make them realise that eating didn't really fix the problem and make them rethink using food as a remedy...

 

I used to emotionally eat, but got over it a few years ago. it was a huge revelation....but it's really just making the choice not to. realising food isn't going to fix a problem (unless your problem is you're starving hungry) is huge - I know that i'll feel worse for eating stuff I don't actually need or want, so I these days I just convince myself otherwise.

[JanelS]

I agree with the last reply. When I want to eat because I'm mad, angry, happy or any other reason other than I am hungry I ask myself how I feel after I eat. If I still choose to eat it needs to be healthy.

Just this evening I wanted chocolate, I have a chocolate protein bar in the pantry. I decided not to eat it because it would not fix my problem, in fact it would make me feel worse about myself. All emotional eating does is cover up the real problem.

Maybe you can help them understand what the real problem is and how eating will not fix it. Ask them why they eat and how they felt after eating it.

[NuriNoms]

I'm an emotional eater/stress eater and even though you don't have THIS problem, everybody is susceptible to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Think of what you'd want to hear her say if your positions were reversed. When I make that call, what I'm really saying is: "I fell victim to my old habits again. It feels like there's no way around [whatever I'm going through at work]. I feel disappointed and hopeless... please tell me I won't be like this forever! Do you have any ideas for how to beat this problem?" All of those statements only indirectly relate to food, but they're feelings everyone shares - they just cope with them differently. She values your support and she's not going to be disappointed if you can't confide that you ate a whole bag of Hot Cheetos when someone cut you off in traffic. She might feel even more ashamed if she thinks you find this behavior irrational and weird, but you want to help her so clearly you are a kind person who wants to be supportive.

Ask her to come up with a list of things with you over the phone that she can do next time that will help this not to happen. Ask her how she prepared to eat at work and if she wants you to help her cook up a bunch of meals. Ask her if she wants to call you when she's about to eat something she shouldn't. Tell her about what you do to keep yourself from coping negatively, even if it has nothing to do with food. Remind her she can do it!

If her behavior starts to exhaust your emotional resources and seems like it's not improving, or you're becoming really stressed about your responses, try what I said to my obese friend with an eating disorder who was constantly berating her appearance: "When you make hurtful comments about your body [or when you call me after you've gone off track], what would you like me to say in response? Because I care about you, I think you're lovely, and I know you can do it - but you often contradict me when I say those things and I still want to be a supportive friend." End result: she stopped trashing her body in front of me and she told me she appreciated hearing that I cared about how she made herself feel.

It is really cool that your friendships can handle sharing embarrassing things Best of luck!

[renman23]

As an emotional eater myself the KEY is to find what triggers your desire and stop BEFORE you pick up. 

 

Help your friends to recognize that. that way they can call you from outside Subway BEFORE they order rather than AFTER they've eaten...

[smurphy]

Thanks everyone, for the great replies.  I've given this friend the go-ahead to call me when she feels like eating crap because she's stressed or sad or whatever.  I hope she takes me up on it.  

 

@amberino21 - I have asked her quite a few times how she felt before, during, and after eating whatever junk she felt she needed, and of course she said that she felt even worse after.  I don't know how much I can say that eating when you're mad/stressed/sad doesn't make it better.  I guess that's just a realization she's going to have to make for herself.

 

@nurik84 - You're right.  I do find her behavior irrational, but I try not to convey that when I talk with her.  I don't want to sound insensitive, but I just can't relate.  I'm going to try to get her to come up with a list of things that she can do to help her not eat her feelings.  I like your response to your friend as well.  I think I will keep that in my back pocket for when I feel like there's nothing else I can say to help her.

 

Thanks again everyone for the great advice.  Now I can think I can talk to her without sounding insensitive or condescending.