At Least 15 Reasons to Finish - A Whole30 Log

[missmunchie]

This morning, after my alarm woke me up, I just laid there. I was foggy-tired, and I could not find a good reason to get me out of bed. Finally, I got up so I wouldn't be late for work. My legs ached as I shuffled to the bathroom. I couldn't put my feet flat on the floor thanks to my plantar faciitis. I looked in the mirror, and my face was all puffy. My stomach was in knots, and my throat was still sore and congested from a sinus infection I developed over two weeks ago. My gums and tounge are tender and inflamed. I finished up my bathroom stuff, and got dressed for work. I couldn't wear my cute little jacket because I tried Monday and it won't button over my chest anymore. I opted for my "fat day" outfit - loose trousers, baggy sweater. I walked the dog, changed and fed the baby, and stumbled out the door for work, desperate for that corner Starbucks large coffee that I NEED to get me started for the day.

 

In my first hour of waking up, I have identified about 15 reasons why I need this.

 

And so I start again. This time, my goal is to finish 30 days compliant. That's it. Nothing fancy. I just want to get through 30 days. Because so far, that's been my biggest challenge - to finish it. On August 31st, when I can look back on the month and say that I rocked the program, that will be my definition of success.

 

A little background, I completed my first Whole30 in January. I loved it. But I've been having a hard time staying on the wagon. Lots of sugar bingeing, and a lot of soul-searching to bring me to the realization that I need to do this for me. I know I'm going to get a lot of heat from family and friends. But no matter what others think I should or shouldn't do, I'm the one that has to live with my choices, good and bad.

 

This may get ugly, I'm going to probably rant and complain a lot, because I haven't identified a good, safe support network in the "real world" yet. But I've been catching up on all the posts since my hiatus from the forum, and my eyes have been opened to everyone else that deals with the same issues - noncompliant spouse, bully frenemies, kids and jobs and life stuff. So I know I'm in good company.

 

Let's get started.

[Colleen Roy]

You got this! Great attitude!

[amberino21]

rant and complain all you like! you're doing something good for yourself, and that is important. for all those people who comment negatively towards you about what you're doing, just remember that you'll be a better person for you AND them at the end of the day. they should be grateful.

[missmunchie]

Well, day 1 done, and done. I managed to work around a few unseen hurdles so that's cool.

 

I decided to start my Whole30 after breakfast, so my deli breakfast sandwich and coffee with half & half doesn't count. I'll probably tack on an extra day at the end to make up for it.

 

Lunch was at home. The fridge is a little bare since I sporatically jumped on board at the last minute, so I scrounged up simple spinach salad:
- baby spinach
- can o' tuna
- mayo
- some sad little green onions that needed to be used
- mushrooms
- carrot sticks
I also grabbed a few strawberries that were on their last leg. Since Hulk (my husband) wasn't home, I split my meal with The Squish (my 19 mo. old son) in his room al fresco while the babysitter ran some errands. He sat in my lap and picked out the mushrooms and carrots from my salad and polished off the strawberries for me. Sidenote: I am really glad we started Squish out on a mostly-paleo diet, I think that's why he loves his veggies so much. It was good to spend a little time with the kid and relax over a meal together.

 

After lunch, I forgot that there was a work party for one of the girls I work with who is getting married this weekend. "Oh, crap," I thought. "Day one and I'm going to be challenged with cake and the social awkwardness of refusing it in an intimate work setting." To my surprise, they bestowed the bride-to-be with an Edible Arrangement fruit bouquet. Yay! I was able to fit in with a few cantalope slices and no one noticed I passed over the chocolate covered strawberries. So snack was:
- about 1/4 cantalope.

 

It was my night to cook dinner (as evidenced by there was no food cooking when I got home), so as I sauteed an onion in coconut oil, I went to grab the ground beef I thought was in the fridge. D'oh, Hulk put it in the freezer the other day thinking we weren't going to use it for a while. The only meat we had available besides eggs were some spicy sausages he picked up from Costco. Skeptical, I looked at the label - and they were compliant! Woo-hoo! So I sliced the sausages with the onions and served them with some frozen veggies. Dinner - done:
- onion
- 1 1/2 spicy sausages (I think they were Aidells? Not sure)
- frozen veggie blend - carrots, broccoli, cauliflour
- coconut oil

 

Finally, as we were wrapping up dinner a friend called and invited us to a bonfire on the beach. Beach bonfire = booze. I was truly tired but normally I would rally up and head out but since I was tired and it's a "school night" I really didn't feel like I would be able to say no to the inevitable tasty beers they would have. As luck would have it, our friend invited us a bit too late and we wouldn't be able to make it in time before the party would have to be shut down (the beach has a 10pm curfew, apparently). So, we coudn't go and I went to bed instead. Yay! ... kinda.

 

And that was Day 1! Only 29 more to go ...

[missmunchie]

Rollin' on through Day 2. I might not post over the weekend because usually weekends are my "technology break" where I avoid everything computer and social media. So I'll do a mega-update Monday.

 

Breakfast was fast and furious. I (again) slept in until the last possible minute, and as I was brushing my teeth I remembered that I couldn't grab a breakfast sandwich on my way to work. Fortunately Squish decided to sleep in so I could use the time I normally spend getting him up and dressed to throw some food together.
- 2 eggs scrambled in coconut oil
- steam-sauteed cabbage
- black coffee

 

I should have eaten more, but my stomach was queasy and not really feeling it as it was. Around 10:00 I was paying for it with ravenous hunger. Fortunately I had one last tin of tuna in evoo (extra-virgin olive oil) in my desk drawer emergency stash. I will never go back to tuna packed in water after I discovered that you can get tuna in evoo. Not only is it much more chunky and moist than tuna canned in water, but the smell isn't as fishy. I think the oil covers up the aroma better making it a more cubicle-friendly snack.
- tuna in evoo
- more coffee

 

Yeah, I also ran for a mid-morning coffee break as well. Fortunately the tuna kept me from staring at the pastries for too long. Oh, and Peet's was giving out free samples of their new roast, and I kid you not - it tastes like blueberries. I was blown away. If Hulk didn't roast our coffee beans at home I would totally buy a pack of Ethiopia Queen City and enjoy the berry goodness at home. Anyway, thought I'd share that.

 

I came home for lunch a little later than ususal, and Hulk was in the process of making me an egg sandwich. Poor guy, he is so sweet. It even had goat cheese on it, my favorite. I set the toast aside and scraped off as much of the cheese as I could. This is where the toddler comes in handy, "Oh, Squish looked hungry so I gave him some of my sandwich." I put together some baby spinach and evoo to accompany my now-bare scrambled eggs.
Lunch:
- 2 eggs, scrambled
- spinach
- evoo

 

I left home still feeling really hungry and light-headed (no kidding, right?). I figure I'm not eating enough starch; well, more like not eating enough in general. I swung through a drug store on my way back to work to pick up some more emergency rations. A pack of almonds, an apple, and a kombucha for the afternoon. I was pretty bummed, all of the kombuchas they had included fruit juice. The only one that didn't was the Green Chia flavor which has chia seeds. I know chia sees are one of those "iffy" items - they're not horrible, but there are better foods out there. But I really wanted a kombucha so I grabbed that one. At least I'm getting a little algae in today.
Snack:
- Green chia kombucha
- almonds
- granny smith apple

 

We'll see how the weekend goes. I know we have a party to go to tonight, but it's a social networking thing, and I'm sure I can rock a club soda with a twist of lime and no one will say anything.

 

Man, I am really craving some pot roast right now. 

[Physibeth]

Sounds like you need to do a major shopping trip and cookup this weekend! You can totally rock this but it seems like you need to do some real planning and prep work. 

[missmunchie]

Hey, I'm back from radio silence, y'all.

 

This weekend, to sum it up, was rough. Not because of the program, but because I consistently made poor choices. I went out both nights until the week hours of the morning, got about 5 hours sleep on average, and never made it to the grocery store. We went out for breakfast twice, dinner twice, and I hardly ate a compliant lunch because we had no food. Needless to say, I was completely wiped by Sunday night and put myself to bed at 8:30, right after the kiddo went down.

 

Going out to party and out to eat is very unusual for us, but since Hulk started his new job today this was our last "party" weekend together. Normally he goes out alone while I party with the kiddo at home, but we have our babysitter staying with us now so I guess we took full advantage of the available childcare to check out some clubs we've been meaning to hit. Time to use this week to get back to the "responsible adult" lifestyle, I guess.

 

Anyway, my meals were like this:

 

Day 2 Meal 3: dinner at a sushi place, had sashimi no soy sauce

Day 3 Meal 1: tried out a new crepe place, egg and salmon scramble, side salad w/o dressing

Day 3 Meal 2: 3 hb eggs, frozen veggies w/ evoo

Day 3 Meal 3: hamburger, frozen veg w/ evoo

Day 4 Meal 1: late brunch at the place next door, mushroom, onion and pepper scramble (no cheese), side salad w/o dressing

Day 4 Meal 2: chicken thighs (yeah, totally not enough, I know ...)

Day 4 Meal 3: dinner at a fish place to celebrate a friend's birthday, seared tuna, side salad w/ evoo & vinegar

 

Anyway, I'm going to make a quickie grocery store run on my way home for lunch to pick up some real food to get us through tomorrow night when I can plan a real food run. I seriously need some starch in my life, I'm not doing so well this low-carb. I'm super tired and cranky. Plus, I need some more fats besides evoo all the time.

 

BTW, it was soooooo hard not to drink Saturday night. Alcohol is definately the hardest thing for me to avoid since my family & friends are such social drinkers. My friend ordered tons of champagne for the table and I was sad to not be able to partake. Also, The Squish fell off a picnic bench at the restaurant and smacked head-first into a pole. Fortunately one of our friends is a nurse and after checking him out said he'll be fine, but after the trauma of the "you had one job" parenting fail, I really wanted a drink to calm my nerves. Opted for some Natural Calm and early bedtime instead.

 

Time to throw together a quick 2-day meal plan shopping list ...

[missmunchie]

Woot! I ran through the store over my lunch break and bought FOOOOOOD!! Then I went home and made myself a bom-diggidy-tastic lunch:

- deli turkey
- steamed summer veg from the WF hot bar (peppers, zucchini, broccoli, squash, herbs)
- olives
- 1/2 sweet tater (!! OMG carbs! Thank the sweet 9 lb 6 oz baby Jesus!)
- cco & ccb on said tater
- 1/2 green apple with AB (split it with the kiddo)

 

OMG, I was so full and happy. Plus, I got an avocado, beets to steam, some missing ingredients to make chicken curry and the ISWF salmon cakes, and a whole pound of olives.

 

Dinner will probably be salmon cakes, depending on how much Squish wants to "help" mommy cook If he's feeling particularly clingy after his first full day with the babysitter then I might keep in easy with a curry so we can have extra cuddle time.

 

Planning a run tonight to get back in trail running shape, then an (I hope!) early bedtime. I also have to throw in some job hunt stuff in there, too. Whew. No rest for the weary.

[missmunchie]

Last night went really well for the "new normal". I arrived home and Squish "helped" make the ISWF salmon cakes. I don't think I used enough salmon - I use 2 small cans instead of the usual 1 large can - and so they ended up really hard to flip on the cookie sheet. But they were 100% edible!

 

Dinner:
- 3 salmon cakes
- mixed greens
- evoo

 

Squish and I cleaned his room, did our bedtime routine, and he was in bed before DH came home at 7:30. I went to the gym for a quick workout. I was still feeling reeeeally sore from last week. My quads keep me walking funny when I stand up from my desk, and my shoulders are tender to the touch they're so trashed. I did a recovery day on Sunday, but I thought it'd be good to do another low-key day last night.

 

Elliptical 30 min - "hilly" setting at level 4
Core work - alternate 1 set each of crunches, leg lifts, & planks with 10 push-ups
Air squats - 3x10

 

Don't laugh at my elliptical. I hate treadmills and I didn't feel like going outside; it was foggy and I'm a cold running wimp. If I don't lift I don't know what else to do besides easy cardio.

 

One thing I noticed as I was cleaning and getting Squish ready for bed is I wasn't experiencing that all-encompassing fatigue I usually get around 7:00 at night. I was tired because it was the end of the day, sure. But I was able to happily wrap up my chores and head to the gym without a second thought.

 

I had a really hard time falling asleep. I took my Natural Calm and read a little but since I read on an iPad I didn't want the screen to blast me too much with light. I shut everything down around 9:30 but I couldn't nod off. I put on my sleep mask and ear plugs, went through my meditations, and although I started to doze, the slightest things kept waking me, like the dog rustling or DH turning over. Eventually I went down and I woke up feeling all right, but it was annoying. Maybe I worked out too soon to bedtime?

 

This morning I was still phlegmy and my plantar faciitis reminded me it's still there while I walked the dog. Hubby made breakfast again, and I sauteed some zucchini to pair with his bacon 'n' eggs.

 

- 2 eggs
- 1 1/2 bacon strips (Squish stole the other 1/2)
- an entire zucchini

 

I got hungry around 10:00. I need to eat more for breakfast. I left for lunch at 11:30 because my cravings were getting stupid. I knew if I had a solid lunch I'd be fine. Needed to get the thought of Larabars out of my head.

 

Lunch:
- mixed greens
- 2 hb eggs
- 1/2 avocado
- deli turkey, all sliced up
- olives
- carrots
- 1/2 sweet tater topped with cco and cinnamon

 

I also had a cup o' bone broth while the eggs were boiling. I made some chicken broth last week and keep forgetting to drink it. I like to have a cup while I'm cooking.

 

Now I'm sooooo sleepy.

 

On another note, it's silly, but sometimes I feel great anxiety at the prospect of coming home from work. I just feel bombarded with "DO THIS! DO THAT! RIGHT NOW!!" Walk the dog. Make dinner. Squish needs some attention, pick him up. Work out. Clean stuff. Do laundry. Did you do any job hunting today? Why not? You need to do that. Oh, and finish your professional certificaiton. And call your mother, you haven't talked to her in weeks. BOOM. All in my face as soon as I walk in the door. I only have about 3 hours to get everything done before bedtime. It's a constant battle of priorities. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it didn't feel like 3 creatures pounce on me for attention as soon as I walk in; I can't even put my purse away without the dog jumping on me, toddler at my knees crying and reaching for me to pick him up, and DH rattling off a bunch of events and to-do's that have built up over the day. I guess this is sort of a "leave me alone!" rant. At least I'm loved and needed

[missmunchie]

Forgot to mention that I had a few bites of the mango I was cutting up for Squish's lunch.

Also, despite the fatigue, all I can think about is hitting the gym and throwing around some weights. WTH is wrong with me?

[missmunchie]

Day 7 has been a tired, whiny, rant-y day.

 

I had terrible gas and was really bloated last night. Terrible. Hulk thought I had binged on sugar and wouldn't believe me when I said that I hadn't. So frustrating.

 

My skin is FREAKING OUT. I haven't had this many breakouts since I was 15. 

 

I'm sort of grumpy. I just have no patience for stupidity.

 

I had many "Why am I doing this? I should just go buy a pack of cookies and eat them all." sort of thoughts all morning. Fortunatly my afternoon was too busy with meetings to carry out my thoughts.

And those are just some of today's highlights!

 

As far as eats goes, I made a scrumptions thai curry last night.

- coconut milk
- curry paste
- chicken
- broccoli
- scallions
- carrots

 

Squish loves curry. In fact, my avatar pic is him licking a bowl of curry Hulk made one night.

 

As I was walking home,  I couldn't wait to hit the gym. I decided to tackle "Angie". I downloaded a CrossFit WOD tracking app and decided to give it a whirl.

- 100 pull ups (modified)
- 100 push ups (on the knees, wimpy-girl style)
- 100 sit ups
- 100 squats
Time: 19:47

 

Went to bed okay, except for all the "bombs" that kept going off.

 

Hulk woke up early to hit the gym, and I got up shortly after him. Since I was up early and had the kitchen to myself, I lingered over my bfast while catching up on some reading. .

- 3 eggs
- 1/2 bag of spinach
- couple scallions
- strawberries

 

I need to eat more fat & starchies for bfast, I think, because I was ravenous at 10. And cranky. That's when all the "why am I doing this"'s hit. So I high-tailed it home early for lunch and stuffed my face.

- mixed greens
- 1/2 avocado
- hb egg
- can o' tuna
- carrots
- 1/3 of a monster sweet tater w/ ghee

 

That did me some good. I did munch a handful of almonds before leaving work for home because I was hungry and didn't want be in food pain making dinner. But I'm feeling much better about life now.

[missmunchie]

I sort of missed yesterday's post; things got busy at work, then I had family visiting in the evening. Now it's late and I'm tired but I want to get caught up.

 

Day 8:

Went better. Felt pretty normal, for lack of a better word. I got a decent workout in early AM:

Warm-up - easy bench press, rows, other stuff I can't remember now

10 rounds of 7 burpees, 7 pull ups

A 20 min yoga podcast

 

Food:

Eggs, cabbage, bacon, and 1/2 sweet tater

Greens, eggs, avocado, olives, beets, turkey, carrots

Lots and lots of almonds. Too many, really

Onion, sausage, coconut oil

 

I had family drop by and visit. I was really glad I got my workout done in the morning so I could just hang out and not feel pressured to cut the visit short or guilted into skipping it.

 

Day 9:

 

I went for a run this morning. That's right, a run. Complete with, like, running and stuff. I almost didn't do it. The alarm went off, I shut it down, and went back to bed. But I just laid there for about five minutes until I convinced myself that I did sign up for a half marathon in December and I really need to put some mileage in. So I went. And it was awesome. Just a little 5k around the 'hood, but I felt great.

 

Food:

Eggs, bacon, onion

Spinach, eggs, avocado, beets, bell pepper, carrot, olives, homemade broth

Sausage, zucchini, bell pepper, cco

 

I had a busy day at work which kept me from snacking. I need to be more busy, I guess. When I got home I just sort of vegged on the couch with the Squish. Hulk went out with some friends for a boys' night, so the puppy and I are just snuggling and feeling sort of old that it's only 9pm on a Friday and we've already got our bunny slippers on. But, that's how we roll.

 

Day 10 tomorrow. Woot, double digits!

[missmunchie]

One note on the cravings. I had some major shove-my-face-in-a-bag-of-donuts moments today, but fortunately I was too busy to act on them. Then as I was watching TV after dinner, in a house all alone, I got an urge to scrounge through the cabinets on a binge like I normally do when I'm home alone. Then I remembered that we don't have anything in the house I really want to binge on. And I sort was like, "meh" and went back to watching TV. Usually I would obsess about it, and try to find ways to make cookies without flour and stuff. But maybe I'm finding my resolve, or maybe I'm just getting lazier. Whatever it is, it's working for me. 

[missmunchie]

I tripped. I stumbled. I tumbled down to Candy Valley.

 

WTH just happened? I had 9 solid days under my belt, then on Saturday I just lost it.

 

Long story short, I had a looming deadline. I had a presentation for a job interview to prepare for. I had two weeks to work on it, and I didn't really look at it until a few days before (for you Brian Regan fans - "I had six months to prepare, I'd done nothing!"). Then we invited some new friends over for dessert and drinks so I spent my Saturday preparing the apartment for entertaining instead of working on my presentation that was due Monday morning. Partly because I needed to clean the place up and mostly to procrastinate more.

 

So I was very, very anxious and stressed. I was "too busy" to make food. I got hungry. I had a diet coke. I had another. I dove into some leftover pasta. I drank three glasses of wine while the friends were over, and ate the chocolate they brought. I took my kid out for breakfast and ate 1/2 his sweet roll. I had more pasta. I drank about four more diet cokes and two beers while completing my presentation. I was "too busy" for breakfast and grabbed a - gotta love this now - latte and a scone from the coffee joint on the way to the interview. Felt the interview went horrible (because, you know, I totally waited until the last minute to prepare), cried the whole way home feeling like an idiot for procrastinating yet again on something important, then drown my feelings in three bags of candy at work instead of, like, calling someone and talking about it.

 

I am so annoyed now. I am so tired of thinking, wishing, wanting to be healthy. Maybe I'm too focused on what I don't have instead of enjoying what I do have. I wanted to clean up my act and feel like I did at the end of my last Whole30. It's such an uphill to get there, and I keep quitting and walking back down. And - here's where that little voice in my head keeps distracting me - what if it doens't work? What if the hubby gets to say, "I told you so", and worse, now I don't know what to do that will work? What if I'm forever obsessed with "this diet" and can never be "normal"?

 

Hubby and I argue routinely on my insistance on buying these "diet foods" like coconut oil and avocados. The other night while he was making hamburger, I mentioned in passing that you want to avoid eating the fat of CAFO meat since that's where a lot of toxins and stuff are stored. I got an earfull of, "What a load of crap! <sarcastically> Everything is toxic and will kill you!" He's started dropping the paleo stuff and buying pasta and hot dog buns again because it's cheaper. We've been under a tight budget and he's looking to cut costs where we can. And since we've been paleo for about 2 1/2 years now and I'm "still the same weight as when we started" it's further proof that we don't need to eat this way. But I'm still the same weight because of the candy bingeing. I told him that, but it's such a raw, painful subject to talk to him about I just dropped it.

 

This got super rambly. I guess I have a lot to get out of my head. I'm so sick of going at this alone, of feeling alone. I don't have anyone in the "real world" to share this with. This community is so great, but I always feel this weird, self-imposed pressure to be a "leader", to always be strong and give help instead of ask for it. I hate demonstrating that I struggle and don't have all the answers. Like, if someone is asking for help and I respond, then I should have all my crap together otherwise what gives me the authority to dole out advice? Just by posting this in my log I feel like I lose my credibility, if any.

 

If you have read this far, kudos and I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I'm off to make myself a cup of tea and mull things over for a while. And maybe get back to work already!

[bhallyktkt]

Nope, posting it in your log makes you MORE credible.  You are human.  It's not all fun and games.  It's not all easy.  If it were we'd all be super healthy, perfect skin, perfect lives.  Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Tomorrow:  Day 1.  GO!!!!!

[KitchenWitchy]

*hugs* missmunchie

Try not to be so hard on yourself! There isn't one of us here who doesn't have the potential to help another or need help from someone else. Nobody expects you to be perfect. I'm certainly not!

I understand having a limited food budget, and having a partner who is just along for the ride. But, i don't think it's fair that you have to justify your food choices to your husband. You work, take care of the house and your son, and you are worth the investment in your health so you can continue to be Wonder Woman for a long time. And especially if you've been eating paleo for over two years, it's at least somewhat doable budget-wise? Right?

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles and disappointments. All you can do is keep trying and I'm sure you will find the support you need among all the people you've supported here on this forum.

[Physibeth]

I have some thoughts. I hope they all come off as helpful and know they come from someone who cares:

 

1. Is the "this diet" "diet food" language originating from you or from your husband? To me being paleo isn't about being "on a diet" it is about eating real food that makes me feel healthier. I do hope to lose more weight as I continue to treat my body correctly and feed it healthy food but I personally think of the foods I eat as food not "diet food".

 

2. Is the focus on the weight loss coming from you or from your husband? What changes aside from weight loss have you experienced since adopting a mostly paleo lifestyle? Have you communicated those things to your husband in a non-confrontational way? 

 

3. Have you spent some time really reflecting on the triggers for your candy binges? Do you do them because you feel restricted and you want to rebel? Do you just not have a non-food related way to cope with stress? Have you identified ways to get compliant paleo foods when your plans fall through? For instance this weekend was crazy for me and I didn't get to cook/have energy to cook. I ate applegate hot dogs twice and today I got a burger from whole foods. Not the best choices but far better than I could have. Dealing with the reasons you say "oh screw it" and having a plan to combat them is so key.

 

I really hope you find a successful, healthy balance in the way you feed yourself. In the end that is what matters. 

[missmunchie]

Thanks for the support, guys. Today is a better day. I was in such a mood last night, let me tell ya. I was less than loving to the hubby, couldn't throw the kid in bed fast enough, and when I went to go study for my test I rered the same page for a good 30 minutes before giving up, tossing the book aside, and crying myself to sleep. I felt like I was 12 years old again, but I guess we all have/need our moments.

 

- bhallyktkt, thanks, it's nice to be reminded that I'm human and that's okay. Friends tell me I'm like SuperMom because I always seem to have it together. I even had a boss tell me once they were intimidated by me because I'm always so on top of everything and they felt like they couldn't keep up with me. I like being 150% prepared and ahead of schedule, so my bar is always so high as it is. I need to get away from this "no mistake is a good mistake' mindset and just enjoy the ride, bumps and all.

 

- KitchenWitchy, thanks for the support. I am getting so much out of this forum; it's comforting to know others go through the same stuff.

 

- Physibeh, holy cow. You gave me some stuff to mull over.

 

1. You're right, food is food. We don't really use "diet food" or diet language. I just threw it out there to indicate that there's stuff I buy when I'm on a Whole30 that I don't normally buy.  I don't bother to buy coconut oil, avocados, or olives when I'm not on a Whole30, opting to get most of my fats from dairy or coconut milk. Plus, I tend to get a little spend-happy on produce because I'd get bored with frozen broccoli every day and if that zucchini is $4/lb, well, I'm eating $4 of zucchini today, so help me. 

 

2. The weight loss thing ... is tricky to say. I think it comes from both sides. He just wants me to be healthy and feel good about myself. I want to lose weight so I can be healthy and feel good about mysef. So ... I guess it's mostly coming from me. Honestly, I haven't really lost any weight doing paleo; I'm the same size as when we met 15 yrs ago. In the one big are-we-paleo-or-not conversation we had recently I told him that it cured my chronic heartburn (I was on rx meds) and when I avoid gluten I don't get depressed and cranky. Those are my big takeaways. His response was alcohol gives me heartburn and I still drink that, and he thinks the gluten thing is in my head because "you don't get cranky? Could've fooled me, guffaw!" Har har. Anyway, not big enough reasons in his book to be so adamant about sticking to it, for him. Plus, he's a huge I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it guy, which means if he doesn't personally experience it then it's in my head or whatever. He's doing great at an 80/20 paleo, so that should be good enough for me. The conversation(s) always end that if I would just quit the candy and work out daily, I will have all the health benefits I'm looking for, and I won't have to do a restrictive, "pricy" diet to get there. And I do what I want, it's not like he's stopping me or anything. I just wish he would be actively encouraging rather than, "well, if that's what you want to do, go nuts." I'm just really non-confrontational and hate it when I don't have 100% of his support and approval. We do so awesome together in so many areas, this is the one where we differ quite a bit and I'm uncomfortable with it. 

 

3. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my triggers. I sort of know what causes them, I'm just struggling on what to do about them besides white-knuckle it for a few days then cave anyway. I normally don't have issues when I'm just hungry, I know to wait and make good food choices when in less than ideal circumstances. My binges are purely emotional. I'm stressed, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm bored, etc. Once was right after I had an argument with the hubby over something dumb. The most recent time was right after I thought I bombed my job interview. Today I was getting urges because I was just really bored (they weren't really strong, some tea did the trick). I still don't know a good "replacement' for my urges. I drink tea, I take deep breaths, I go for a walk, I ignore it. It's like once I get the idea in my head I just don't drop it. For example on Monday when I had the bad interview, I drove home (while doing some theraputic crying/deep breaths), had lunch with the kid, WORKED OUT, and then still bought candy to binge on. You'd think after giving it some time, hanging out with loved ones, eating some good food, and working out that I would have better resolved and a clear head. Not this time. But I think I hang out too much in my head, and I need to get stuff out so I feel better about things and not so alone. I know just writing on this forum helps wonders.

 

Like I said, Physibeth, you gave me a lot to think about!

 

Anyway, thanks again y'all for your supportive and helpful comments. I really appreciate it!

[missmunchie]

Okay, another Day 0.

 

Last night, I came home (still in a rotten mood, mind you) to a pasta cook-up. Hubby wanted to give me a break from cooking for a night. Aww. I just ate it. I was too defeated to pick the cheese and noodles out of the meat sauce (he makes a hearty meat sauce that's a stew in itself!).

 

Then he asked me (in a very "Pinky and the Brain" fashion), "so, what do you want to do tonight?" to which I responded with less enthusiasm and more poison than necessary, "eat dinner, walk the dog, put the kid to bed, and study. Not because I WANT to, but becasue I HAVE to." It just irritated me that THESE ARE THINGS I HAVE TO DO EVERY NIGHT. It doesn't change! The dog must be walked! The child must be restrained in a crib, pj's on! I have a test in two weeks and I need to study! I'm rarely done with all of my "nighttime chores" before 8:30, and then I NEED TO SLEEP so I can get up at 6am and DO IT ALL AGAIN.

 

Now, a lot of this I put on myself. I asked for the dog, so the dog is my responsibility. I like Squish to have a bedtime routine, since it's the few rare moments I actually get to spend with him during the day. Hubby thinks it is all rather unnecessary (we disagree about the merits of pj's quite frequently) and would rather just toss the kid in the crib with a bottle when we're done with him for the night. Both ways work, I guess, but with the routine there's less meltdowns and I can spend qualtiy time with Squish.

 

I guess I just felt irritated becasue it was like he doesn't know all that I do. While he was unemployed, I still took care of everything. He was watching the kid 24/7 (tough for anyone, very tough for him, he's just not a nurturer) and would pitch in here or there, but for the most part I was it. He was pretty depressed, and has never been big into housework so I didn't mind letting stuff slide. I've got my system, and I'm good at it. I can keep us in tasty food, clean clothes, and usually can walk barefoot through common rooms most of the time. But I need to focus on my lifestyle to keep it up. I need good food. I need sleep. I need less stress (*ahem* last-minute houseguests *ahem*). All I want is to stop being asked "what do you want to do tonight" on a weeknight. If you're bored, I have a few things to occupy your time

 

Okay, end rant. Whew, what a rant-y day!

 

In other news, I had a fab breakfast. Lazy frittata with some avo on top. Coffee with coconut milk. mmm.

 

Got an awesome leg workout in. My legs were begging for squats for some reason so I did a bunch. And deadlifts. And lunges. I realied it was my 8th day in a row at the gym! I'm on a streak, woot!

 

My boss took me to lunch, and I chose a burger place so I could get a bun-less burger and salad. I freaked at the last minute and ordered sweet potato fries (don't know if they use coating on them. Probably) and then ate the bun anyway. I just didn't want to look weird, my boss is new to me. So, still at Day 0. Tomorrow will be better.

[Physibeth]

Based on your responses I have a couple of thoughts for you.

 

I would suggest joining a CSA or other produce delivery service. This will give you some variety in your vegetable choices, some consistency in when you get them, and usually the price is lower because the food is usually local and in season. I do this and it has helped me a lot.

 

I totally get the "once I have the idea in my head" thing and how it is harder to combat that when you don't have the 110% support of your partner. This I think should be the fight you are most concentrated on. Learning to fight your way out of this will make the biggest difference in your overall health. I know because it was for me. 

 

Another thing I might suggest is that instead of a W30 right now perhaps a more relaxed Paleo meal plan (something already thought out for you) would be good to follow. You have a lot on your plate and perhaps taking the planning aspect out of the equation would help. I followed a 30 day meal plan from Practical Paleo when I started and it helped me make the transition much more smoothly.

 

Keep engaging your husband and attempting to get on the same page in all aspects of life. I know first hand how hard this is but it is worth continuing to have the conversations in a non-confrontational manner. Marriage is supposed to be about partnership and teamwork and both those things take work.

 

*hugs*

[missmunchie]

All right. I took a lot of time off the forum and Whole30 for some self reflection. I'm back into a lot if hurtful habits that come with jumping off the wagon (as opposed to falling off) and I'm ready to get started again.

Yesterday Hubby left for a week onsite for work, so I used Squishy's nap time to do a massive cook up. So massive I ran out of containers to store everything #paleoproblems. I made:

- ground beef

- whole chicken & broth

- hb eggs

- roasted brussel sprouts

- boiled sweet taters

- root veggie hash

- cut up veggies: cabbage, bell pepper, carrots

- roasted beets

I should not have a problem eating well this week at least! I also made another mayo disaster. I think I used too much lemon juice, it never firmed up.

Then this morning I packed my lunch but flew out the door without breakfast and grabbed a ham and cheese croissant and coffee with cream at the train station. So my whole30 starts today at lunch

I'm also going through a lot of depression/emotional stuff right now. I'm hoping getting off wheat and gluten will help my mood improve since I think from my last W30 that gluten gets me depressed. I have other stressful life factors as well I'm dealing with (job, relationships, etc) but I definitely feel out of sorts with the gluten.

My goal right now is to stick with it. Make every decision a good one. Then reassess in February how things are going. Baby steps and lots of self care and healing.

[missmunchie]

So, I did the croissant thing again today. It was a totally stupid situation, too.

I once again didn't plan breakfast and threw 1/2 an avocado and some roast chicken straight from the fridge to my mouth as I ran out the door. When I got to work, I was kind of hungry but not like I was ravenous or couldn't think about anything else. Then my boss said he was going to go down to the cafeteria for a croissant sandwich and a few others were going too. I'm still new at my work and look for opportunities to hang with coworkers to fit in better, so I jumped in the elevator with them without a second thought. I was the first in line to order my croissant and my boss was last. By the time they got to his order, all the croissants were gone. So he had nothing, and I had this damn croissant-egg sandwich I didn't need to eat anyway. He made a big joke about it, but I felt ridiculous. I offered mine to him but he politely declined. So I ate it because how could I throw it away at that point? It didn't taste like I remembered.

On the bright side, I grabbed lunch from my fridge again: ground beef, root veggie hash, sautéed mushrooms, brussel sprouts. I also ate about 4 clementines. Been really into the citrus lately, I guess.

Still working on being authentic and honest. It's hard; lying about my food and stupid stuff is so second nature to me. Sometimes it's embellishing a story for more dramatic impact, other times it's just a CYA. I spent $150 at Whole Foods this weekend buying all my good food for the week, and other fun stuff like some essential oils for a yoga mat wash I read about. I'm not looking forward to explaining our high food bill to Hubby when he gets home from his business trip. He doesn't like it when I shop at Whole Foods because it's so much more expensive than the grocery store that's closer to us (Target). And I was deceitful in that I waited until he left for his trip before I went shopping. I like to think that any married couple does these little things to get away with stupid stuff their spouse doesn't like, but that's just a justifying excuse for my behavior. Well, tomorrow is another day, another fresh start.