How to help my obese Mom

[citymom]

I'll try to make this short.

My mom is 61, overweight/obese, probably 5'2" and I'd guess over 300 lbs. She's slowly losing the ability to walk. She has to use the electric carts in grocery stores. This has been a topic of hot debate in our family for about 8 yrs. She went through extreme depression for many years but is recovering and getting out of that (without drugs). She has high blood pressure and takes one pill for it to moderate.

She's been abandoned by our entire family. Nasty divorce. I'm the youngest of 3 kids. My two older brothers left and live far away. They've since written her off as "crazy, sick, and unhelpable". I disagree. Who can ever give up on their Mom? Bottom line is I'm all she has.

It's been a loooong discussion with her to change her ways. She now finally wants to, but because of her conditions (financial & physical), she is limited on food she can buy and also the time it takes to prepare it. Because of this, she often eats one meal a day, or hits a fast food place.

She's read ISWF and totally loves it. She's seen my success with Paleo and it's not all new news for her. ISWF hit a lot of buttons for her and she's seriously considering doing a Whole30 in August. I struggle with it because even if I bought her ALL the food she needs, she often lets it rot in her frig because she doesn't have the energy to prepare even a salad.

I'm considering ordering the PremadePaleo month of food for her as I think it would solve a lot of her issues. She doesn't lack the "want to". I just want to help solve all of her excuses so she really has none left.

One last thing, I tried to get her to move in here just for 30 days to try the Whole 30 with me and she's against that. *sigh*

Am I on the right track here? It starts with her diet right? Does she need to be monitored by doctors to start out? I know "traditional" people say you do this under doc supervision, but I just doubt that validity.

Also, should I try helping her with any exercise during this time or just focus on food until she looses a lot of weight? I doubt she could handle much more than a few bicep curls, which aren't all that functional anyway. She can hardly walk 10 ft and it takes her 10 min to climb a flight of stairs.

Lastly, I love this community. I've been on this journey for a few years now and always had the support of my local CF gym. Due to life changes, I am not in a CF gym right now so I highly rely on this forum/website for support.

Thanks for being awesome everybody. And I appreciate and value any feedback, questions, comments, concerns. I've been handling this situation on my own for a while (+my awesome husband) and it's just nice to tap into this community for backup!!!!!

[iloveartichokes]

Wow, that is so great that you're trying to hard to help you mom. I think it's awesome that you haven't given up on her. She's lucky to have you on her side. Does she live very close to you already? Maybe you could plan to eat more meals together at your place or hers. Does she work? I understand the standing to cook part would be hard for her. I wonder if there's a way she could have a way to sit and cook...like set up a cutting board and maybe a plug-in single burner stove on the dining room table. If you live nearby you could meet with her once a week to help her prep all her food for the week...like wash the veggies and let her cut them up or something. I guess it really depends on your situation, but there is always a solution! As for exercise, there are things you can do sitting down. I'm no expert, but I would think it might be hard on her joints to stand/walk too much. Maybe better to wait until she drops weight with the diet. That doesn't mean she could do sitting leg lifts or arm exercises, torso twists, stuff like that. Good luck and keep us posted please!

[Emily]

You sound like you are in a hard situation! Take care of yourself in this also.

My concern about the PreMade Paleo is this: what happens after the thirty days?

iloveartichokes had some good suggestions for helping her learn the skills she needs. A big part of committing to this way of eating is committing to the planning, the shopping, and the cooking. A thirty-day kickstart might help, but in the long run she's going to need to the skills the be able to eat this way, which sounds like she may need to find room for some change in her life.

[Renee Lee]

Citymom, this is great, but it's such a difficult scenario. To echo what Emily said, you really DO need to be careful that you don't put your own needs asides during this period.

I think you guys should just check in with her doc and get his okay. I think the 30days of premade paleo will absolutely lessen the stress on both of you during the process. Are there options to not get a full 30 days? But maybe just 20 days? (5 days/week). You could go over on weekends and work with your mom to prepare really easy meals, so you're teaching her the practical, yet she doesn't have to stress about it that much. Does that make sense?

Even if they don't have that option, it's still probably constructive for you to prepare a meal with her every week. The goal here should be mobility and self sufficiency.

[Derval]

I have absolutely no advice (my parents seem to be eating & drinking themselves to an early grave in Spain) but just wanted to wish you all the best in your endeavours to help your Mom.

Hugs to you.

[citymom]

Wow, that is so great that you're trying to hard to help you mom. I think it's awesome that you haven't given up on her. She's lucky to have you on her side. Does she live very close to you already? Maybe you could plan to eat more meals together at your place or hers. Does she work? I understand the standing to cook part would be hard for her. I wonder if there's a way she could have a way to sit and cook...like set up a cutting board and maybe a plug-in single burner stove on the dining room table. If you live nearby you could meet with her once a week to help her prep all her food for the week...like wash the veggies and let her cut them up or something. I guess it really depends on your situation, but there is always a solution! As for exercise, there are things you can do sitting down. I'm no expert, but I would think it might be hard on her joints to stand/walk too much. Maybe better to wait until she drops weight with the diet. That doesn't mean she could do sitting leg lifts or arm exercises, torso twists, stuff like that. Good luck and keep us posted please!

Yes, she lives relatively close, about 20 min away. She does come down to my house about once a week to give me a break with my son. I always cook healthy food and show her new recipes. She doesn't work. I've offered to come up and help her prepare foods for the week. That's a great idea.

Thanks for the ideas on the exercise!

[citymom]

You sound like you are in a hard situation! Take care of yourself in this also.

My concern about the PreMade Paleo is this: what happens after the thirty days?

iloveartichokes had some good suggestions for helping her learn the skills she needs. A big part of committing to this way of eating is committing to the planning, the shopping, and the cooking. A thirty-day kickstart might help, but in the long run she's going to need to the skills the be able to eat this way, which sounds like she may need to find room for some change in her life.

Yes, it is hard. Well I thought about what happens after the 30 days. Here's what I was thinking. When I do a WHole30, halfway into it I remember how awesome I felt eating this way and I NEVER want to go back to feeling crappy. I want her to experience this and I feel that if she can just get there, then that will help motivate her to change after the 30 days is over. She's just never done anything like this before.

Thanks for saying to take care of myself. I tend to forget about that!

[citymom]

Citymom, this is great, but it's such a difficult scenario. To echo what Emily said, you really DO need to be careful that you don't put your own needs asides during this period.

I think you guys should just check in with her doc and get his okay. I think the 30days of premade paleo will absolutely lessen the stress on both of you during the process. Are there options to not get a full 30 days? But maybe just 20 days? (5 days/week). You could go over on weekends and work with your mom to prepare really easy meals, so you're teaching her the practical, yet she doesn't have to stress about it that much. Does that make sense?

Even if they don't have that option, it's still probably constructive for you to prepare a meal with her every week. The goal here should be mobility and self sufficiency.

I think I saw on PremadePaleo an option for less than 30 days. I am gonna call them to ask. Thanks for the advice.

[citymom]

I have absolutely no advice (my parents seem to be eating & drinking themselves to an early grave in Spain) but just wanted to wish you all the best in your endeavours to help your Mom.

Hugs to you.

It is tough and it sounds like you understand. Best to you also and thanks for the hugs!

[Emily]

Let us know what happens!

[hobbitgirl]

Not to be a wet blanket but isn't the W30 approved thing on premadepaleo just dinners?

[citymom]

Not to be a wet blanket but isn't the W30 approved thing on premadepaleo just dinners?

No worries, I'm pretty sure it IS just dinners + a few snacks. However, my mom is barely eating more than one meal a day so that's what I'm starting with right now. If I can take care of that meal, then breakfast and lunch are easier. She loves eggs so breakfast is open to a lot of options.

[Cindi]

I don't mean to sound discouraging but (don't you just hate that word) I have been trying hard with my mom...various diets and all sorts of stuff and she "really wants to" but my mom, like yours is limited in mobility. My mom uses a hoverround and can't do stairs at all. We live next door and we've tried the "I'll make your food for you" and it works for a while and she loves me cooking for her. BUT then she gets someone....namely my dad to stop at the store and he picks up CRAP or she'll get someone to drive her to the store so she can pick up her own crap. She has all this crap around her chair so she doesn't have to get up and then she tells me, she doesn't eat it...'it's for my daughter" Yeah, right. So full of bologna. I'm just a bit frustrated, as I've seen her deteriorate in front of my eyes and gain more weight. She isn't as big as your mom but she is still bigger than she should be and it is getting harder to move her.

On another note...I hope she really is willing to change if you help her along the way. I thought my mom was too but it didn't last long. For my mom it is all about excuses. WHatever. Good luck to you and I really hope she changes for her sake and not yours. Blessings

[Cheryl J.]

Hi, Citymom: Your post really resonated with me, as I've been thinking about telling my family about The Whole30, once I'm finished with my first one and can go to the East Coast to visit them. My mom could really use some help with improving her health; she is almost in the same condition your mom is in... except my family lives 3,000 miles away, so finding a way to convince her and get her to follow some kind of protocol -- even if it is not as strict as The Whole30 -- is going to be very difficult, if not impossible. Still, let us know how it goes! Best wishes to you!

[pinaymamaof3]

Hi citymom,

I'm a new Whole30'er (day 8!) and your post just really resonated with me as well!! My sisters, brother-in-law and I all decided to start our own Whole30 journey last week (on my sister's birthday). We even created our own closed facebook page so we could send photos of our meals to each other (for accountability and encouragement). Our mom is on this group.

She is VERY interested as well. My mom is 70 years old, with type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, hypertension, and plantar fasciitis. I've been searching on the forum for resources for seniors (age 55 and older) mostly for my parents.

I just want to give you props and kudos for loving on your mom by helping her as much as you can! I agree with some of the suggestions to make sure you involve your mom's doctor in all this since she has some serious health issues. And I love the idea of getting premade paleo food to help her out. AND also starting out gradually. Of course at the end of the day, it will be up to her.to make the decision to stick with it (just as you made the decision to change your health for the better).

Best wishes to you and your mom!! Would love to hear an update :-)

[alijac]

You are such a sweet daughter - your mom is lucky you want to help her so much! It seems to me that tackling the food first may make the most sense - if she feels better after a month of good eating, she may be able to be more mobile and then feel like doing some exercise. Then again, simply feeling well enough to want to prepare her own food sounds like it would be a great step in the right direction. I vote for setting her up for success in one department before tackling another, and you've gotten some great ideas on how to help her eat better already. Sending good thoughts your way - hope you find a way to help her while taking care of yourself! Please let us know how things go. =)

[citymom]

I don't mean to sound discouraging but (don't you just hate that word) I have been trying hard with my mom...various diets and all sorts of stuff and she "really wants to" but my mom, like yours is limited in mobility. My mom uses a hoverround and can't do stairs at all. We live next door and we've tried the "I'll make your food for you" and it works for a while and she loves me cooking for her. BUT then she gets someone....namely my dad to stop at the store and he picks up CRAP or she'll get someone to drive her to the store so she can pick up her own crap. She has all this crap around her chair so she doesn't have to get up and then she tells me, she doesn't eat it...'it's for my daughter" Yeah, right. So full of bologna. I'm just a bit frustrated, as I've seen her deteriorate in front of my eyes and gain more weight. She isn't as big as your mom but she is still bigger than she should be and it is getting harder to move her.

On another note...I hope she really is willing to change if you help her along the way. I thought my mom was too but it didn't last long. For my mom it is all about excuses. WHatever. Good luck to you and I really hope she changes for her sake and not yours. Blessings

Cindy,

I totally hear you. Don't worry about being discouraging to me. Nothing is worse than my own brothers saying "she's just never going to change." It is a tough situation. On one hand, I believe the BEST for her and want to hold that picture for myself AND for her. On the other hand, I have to not go crazy if she chooses to not change. It IS ultimately up to her. That's hard to accept.

I have a friend that was in this same situation. She watched her dad basically slowly die because of his habits. Even to the last few days, he was eating donuts in the hospital. (he was diabetic.) She never gave up on him, but she did have to surrender to the fact that it was his choice to live that way.

It's so hurtful when you are on THIS side of it like you and me. I feel hurt by her that she doesn't see how her choices affect me (and my family). Then I think, "why doesn't she want to be around long enough to see her grandkids be born, grow up and get married?"

I go through phases of being down about it. Then I remember I can do my best to help, but she has to accept it.

Hugs to you!

[citymom]

Hi, Citymom: Your post really resonated with me, as I've been thinking about telling my family about The Whole30, once I'm finished with my first one and can go to the East Coast to visit them. My mom could really use some help with improving her health; she is almost in the same condition your mom is in... except my family lives 3,000 miles away, so finding a way to convince her and get her to follow some kind of protocol -- even if it is not as strict as The Whole30 -- is going to be very difficult, if not impossible. Still, let us know how it goes! Best wishes to you!

Cheryl,

YES. Do it. Tell your family. I've told countless friends and family members. All of them are in different phases of learning about how to eat. Some are flat out denial. And I love them anyway.

They are blessed to have you in their life to share these great resources and the knowledge you have!!!

[citymom]

UPDATE:

My mom came over on Monday. She wanted to have a talk. She knows I'm starting the Whole30 Aug. 1st. In fact, I've been eating Whole30 compliant for 10 days now already. Had to start because my skin was driving me crazy.

Anyway....

She flat out said she cannot (or will not) commit to a Whole30 "at this time". She's not ready. She's overwhelmed by it, blah blah blah. It was hard to hear. When she comes down to babysit, she reads the ISWF once through every time. She's already read it 5 times!!! And I finally just gave her my copy and bought a new one. She DOES GET IT but only IN. HER. HEAD.

That's the difference. I get it now. For years, I've been around people that know something. They know what to eat. They know they need to exercise. And they don't freakin DO IT. Knowing and doing is not the same damn thing. She, like many of my friends, think it's enough to know.

News flash. You can know what to eat, why to eat it, and when to eat it. If you don't change, your life will not change. I've watched her in this pattern for 15 years. She's 61 and in the same place.

For me, the biggest lesson is this. (I say this to myself in the mirror) Ok. Do the work. Make the changes. Like Dallas and Melissa say, IT's. NOT. THAT. HARD. Don't wait for tomorrow. Who knows if tomorrow will ever come? I don't want to wake up one day at 61, or 51, or even 41 and be in her position. How much will all those iced mochas matter then? They won't matter and they will.

Choose TODAY that you will be the person you want to be. It feels so good. It feels right. It IS right. I commited 10 days ago to start my Whole30. I was psyching myself out to start August 1st. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to finish reading the book, even though I knew what it was gonna say. I wanted to wait to plan all my meals out. And for me, that was crippling.

So I just started the Whole30 MIDDAY! haha. Who does that? Thanks Mom. Thanks for inspiring me to change MY life. My journey started 4 yrs ago but it needed a reboot.

I'll keep you all posted on her because there are many of you in the same position. And you have supported me by posting comments and I will do what I can to support you too!

xoxo

Rebecca

[Cheryl J.]

Cindy,

I totally hear you. Don't worry about being discouraging to me. Nothing is worse than my own brothers saying "she's just never going to change." It is a tough situation. On one hand, I believe the BEST for her and want to hold that picture for myself AND for her. On the other hand, I have to not go crazy if she chooses to not change. It IS ultimately up to her. That's hard to accept.

I have a friend that was in this same situation. She watched her dad basically slowly die because of his habits. Even to the last few days, he was eating donuts in the hospital. (he was diabetic.) She never gave up on him, but she did have to surrender to the fact that it was his choice to live that way.

It's so hurtful when you are on THIS side of it like you and me. I feel hurt by her that she doesn't see how her choices affect me (and my family). Then I think, "why doesn't she want to be around long enough to see her grandkids be born, grow up and get married?"

I go through phases of being down about it. Then I remember I can do my best to help, but she has to accept it.

Hugs to you!

I talked to my sister on the phone a few days ago and told her about The Whole30, and she said to me exactly what your brothers said to you. So, I have a feeling that, if things get bad enough with either or both of my parents, I am going to be in the position your friend was in -- watching my mom and/or dad eat bad food while in the hospital. And my brother is engaged and wants to start a family, so it seems that would provide motivation to stay healthy and be around for him, me, my sister, and our significant others. But my sister also told me that she (and probably me, too) had to let our parents go and get on with her own life. This rings true, but it's still going to be hard to accept the fact that my parents choose to live the way they do and that it is sending them to an early grave. Nevertheless, I'm going to fly home in late September and try to talk to them in person, and see if I can't convince them at least partially -- to try some less-stringent dietary change. We'll see how that goes (sigh)...

[Cheryl J.]

UPDATE:

My mom came over on Monday. She wanted to have a talk. She knows I'm starting the Whole30 Aug. 1st. In fact, I've been eating Whole30 compliant for 10 days now already. Had to start because my skin was driving me crazy.

Anyway....

She flat out said she cannot (or will not) commit to a Whole30 "at this time". She's not ready. She's overwhelmed by it, blah blah blah. It was hard to hear. When she comes down to babysit, she reads the ISWF once through every time. She's already read it 5 times!!! And I finally just gave her my copy and bought a new one. She DOES GET IT but only IN. HER. HEAD.

That's the difference. I get it now. For years, I've been around people that know something. They know what to eat. They know they need to exercise. And they don't freakin DO IT. Knowing and doing is not the same damn thing. She, like many of my friends, think it's enough to know.

News flash. You can know what to eat, why to eat it, and when to eat it. If you don't change, your life will not change. I've watched her in this pattern for 15 years. She's 61 and in the same place.

For me, the biggest lesson is this. (I say this to myself in the mirror) Ok. Do the work. Make the changes. Like Dallas and Melissa say, IT's. NOT. THAT. HARD. Don't wait for tomorrow. Who knows if tomorrow will ever come? I don't want to wake up one day at 61, or 51, or even 41 and be in her position. How much will all those iced mochas matter then? They won't matter and they will.

Choose TODAY that you will be the person you want to be. It feels so good. It feels right. It IS right. I commited 10 days ago to start my Whole30. I was psyching myself out to start August 1st. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to finish reading the book, even though I knew what it was gonna say. I wanted to wait to plan all my meals out. And for me, that was crippling.

So I just started the Whole30 MIDDAY! haha. Who does that? Thanks Mom. Thanks for inspiring me to change MY life. My journey started 4 yrs ago but it needed a reboot.

I'll keep you all posted on her because there are many of you in the same position. And you have supported me by posting comments and I will do what I can to support you too!

xoxo

Rebecca

Whoop whoop! Thanks, Rebecca!

[citymom]

I talked to my sister on the phone a few days ago and told her about The Whole30, and she said to me exactly what your brothers said to you. So, I have a feeling that, if things get bad enough with either or both of my parents, I am going to be in the position your friend was in -- watching my mom and/or dad eat bad food while in the hospital. And my brother is engaged and wants to start a family, so it seems that would provide motivation to stay healthy and be around for him, me, my sister, and our significant others. But my sister also told me that she (and probably me, too) had to let our parents go and get on with her own life. This rings true, but it's still going to be hard to accept the fact that my parents choose to live the way they do and that it is sending them to an early grave. Nevertheless, I'm going to fly home in late September and try to talk to them in person, and see if I can't convince them at least partially -- to try some less-stringent dietary change. We'll see how that goes (sigh)...

Cheryl,

Well you are right on girl! You seem to be in a good place no matter what happens. That's the best mindset we can have...not to get tied too much to a certain outcome or an expectation. Harder to say than do, I know. Cheers to you for having the courage to talk to your parents. Whatever they choose to do, you can have more peace knowing you did all you could do!!!

[Cheryl J.]

I found this link on Robb Wolf's blog, relevant to this discussion: http://robbwolf.com/2012/04/04/paleo-diet-convince-it/. It's about Robb Wolf's struggles to convince his parents to change their lifestyles, and he also recounts some personal experiences that have informed his coaching perspective. I found it very informative and motivational.

[citymom]

Just got back from my camping trip and had to post this update.....

I posted on here earlier that my Mom "chose out". Well oddly enough, the day after she told me this, my Dad and his wife came to stay at my house for a few days. The last day they were here, my step-mom asked me something. She wanted to know if I would help her get healthy and be her accountability buddy. How awesome is that???

Of course I said YES! And I just wanted to point out that as we are all living and striving to be healthier by eating clean, exercising, sleeping good, etc. that WE ARE AN EXAMPLE!! I had no idea I was being such a great example to my step-mom, but she said she had been seeing my results and watching me for a while. She was inspired and wants help.

As much as I've been spinning my wheels trying to help my Mom and totally frustrated by it, all this time there was someone who DID want my help.

[citymom]

Hi all.

Not sure to post this or not, but it's at least nice to have a place to vent about my Mom.

Today at 2pm, my mom goes in for a follow up breast exam. She got checked last week and the docs have some concerns. Not sure what to expect to hear after the appt. However, I am praying that whatever they find, my Mom will have a wake up call through this. She keeps thinking that she's totally healthy even though she weighs 300 lbs. I don't quite get that logic.

Anyway, prayers would be appreciated...if you believe in that. Thanks and I'll post updates as I get them.