Off roading ... and planning to go back

[Semolina]

Hmm.

 

I did my first Whole 30 in June. It was fab. I struggled with it, but I lost weight, I felt great and my head felt free of most of that "food chat" that I had previously carried with me my whole life. I had kicked chocolate, diet coke and alcohol, and was eating the kind of diet that felt so right.

 

I stopped for a bit ... it was summer and the kids and I went to stay with a friend of mine who is a veggie and lives on bread and cheese and I just couldn't manage it at her house. I hated how eating her food made me feel, but I didn't appear to have any proper reactions to it, I just didn't like how it made me feel (too intangible to describe ... mostly emotional, but also physical).

 

I started my second Whole 30 as soon as I got back: it was easy peasy, I felt fabulous and I thought I was a convert for life and had sorted myself out for ever and ever.

 

Then on day 28, my dad got really ill and my life became one long unpredictable blur of weeks where I was driving to hospital at all hours, supporting my mum, staying at my sister's ... and W30 just went out the window. (No time at home to roast veggies, for one thing)! My dad died at the end of October, (yes, unhealthy lifestyle totally) and THEN I got a new job (so now juggling a job as well as running a household for five people by myself, three of whom are under 7) and suddenly I feel like I have no time whatsoever. I'm hating preparing food for anyone, let alone making a special effort for myself. Preparing three meals a day for five people every day has become my most hated task.

 

I think I'm also probably depressed and putting some cauliflower in the oven to roast feels SO DIFFICULT and making mayonnaise is surely an impossible thing. Thing is, I don't like eating any other way any more. If I find myself in town and hungry I think "oh, I'll just grab something quick" and then wander round looking at easy to eat food you can buy and think it all looks revolting. Last time I gave in and had a sandwich and didn't enjoy it. I feel horrible eating what I am eating ... and it is undoubtedly contributing to my "can't possibly manage to put cauliflower in the oven" circle that I am going round.

 

So I am promising to myself that in 2014 I will go back to do a W30 or maybe even a W100 or W365. Before then I have Christmas which feels like a towering complicated list of difficult things that I need to do (mostly involving catering for other people).

 

Thought I'd start this log/journal now, though, as I can surely take a few steps in the right direction to get me where I need to go.

 

So, here are my "rest of 2013" promises to myself:

 

1. I will stop diet coke again (it hasn't got out of hand, but I have had a few -- WHY???)

2. I will stop drinking alcohol again (this will be hard)

3. I will eat three proper meals a day even if I don't feel like it -- not necessarily W30, but I must eat regularly (proper eating has just vanished into the distance)

 

 

In addition I will:

 

TODAY - roast some sodding cauliflower and tomatoes.

 

If I have roast veg in the fridge, I will eat them as I like eating them above and beyond anything else. MAKING them, however, feels ridiculously hard.

 

I WILL claw my way back to eating a way that I feel good about.

 

I will try and post on this every day ... one of the things that I have totally lost sight of is that kids, house and job notwithstanding I still need to look after myself, physically and emotionally. Giving myself permission to do a five minute update on here every day I think will help a lot. Even taking the time to do this now is a step in the right direction -- I have decided it is more important than work (I can dictate my own hours) so if it means I have to work on Saturday, so be it.

 

More tomorrow. ) (Feeling a bit better already ... it's all about taking charge, isn't it?)

 

[Mom2A&M]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother to cancer 3yrs ago, and the grief is still very present. This time of year makes these feelings more intense too. I like your thought of a small, manageable, daily "to-do" list. I think that would give you a feeling of accomplishment and something to focus on other than feelings. Best of luck to you.

[Semolina]

Thanks, Mom2A&M. Sorry to hear about your mother ... my dad went to cancer too, which was particularly awful (he had oral cancer -- a smoker, a drinker, and an avoider of vegetables). You'd think that watching someone get so ill and then die like that would be all I needed to make sure that I never deviated for even a second from W30 eating, but it appears (at the moment!) not to be the case.

 

Well, I did it! I nearly didn't because evenings are when I am really tired and can barely do anything (yes, I need to adjust my days so I do the tasks that I find difficult in the morning) but I managed to cook two cauliflowers and a job lot of tomatoes which meant ... drumroll please ... I had eggs and veggies for breakfast this morning which already makes me feel so much better.

 

When you aren't making the effort to eat W30 it's amazing how your vegetable consumption goes down (well, mine does) and your body just tells you it doesn't feel good. Veggies for breakfast is the hardest one to achieve for me (if I'm not ensuring I've made the effort to get them ready BEFORE hand) but I have no problem eating them. Soup for lunch today, with chicken in (not W30, but good enough for me for now ... has protein and lots of veggies in) and then W30 bolognese for dinner tonight.

 

Must get to work.

[melbournegirl]

I lost my dad to cancer 5 years ago and it still hurts. He was an alcoholic so I feel uncomfortable when I drink.

I am sorry to hear about your difficult time but full of admiration for the way you are taking control.

Make it easier for yourself by having boiled eggs, carrot sticks, canned tuna and olives readily available. Make a big pot a vege soup and cook up a batch of ground beef or turkey and that takes care of breakfast and lunch in a pinch.

Lastly, take a deep breath and be kind to yourself, you have gone through a lot!

[PamH]

So sorry to hear you are struggling.  You did it once and you can do it again:  making those positive changes.  I suppose this is like quitting any other deep seeded habit and will be successful for some the first time and some take multiple attempts.  My experience has been more along your lines… I do so very well and see so many positive physical/emotional changes but life intervenes.  Stress.  Loss.  New job.  You were still getting your postWhole30 legs under you and somebody pulled out the rug!  

 

Depression is probably multifaceted for you:  loss of father, food effects and other added stress.  Even happy events, like a new job, are stressful and can lead to poor choices.  Many of us seek easy comforts which sadly means crappy food.

 

Take some time to grieve the loss of your Dad.  Without punishing yourself, set that goal of January for restarting the Whole30 to recapture some health and don't sweat the comfort seeking choices!  During this time, make a plan so January 1 doesn't come crashing down on you.  Meal planning?  

 

I'm sorry.  I've been where you are.  Hugs

[Semolina]

Thanks, melbournegirl and PamH. January is already seeming less scarey and something I am looking forward to. I did OK yesterday: breakfast was W30, lunch was sweet potato, coconut and ginger soup -- not W30 but still felt good and wholesome! -- with another egg. Dinner was W30 Bolognese with some totally not W30 pasta: but I managed three meals and even that feels like an achievement, and they were relatively nutritious! On the not so good side, I had some chocolate, some cookies, and some wine ... none of which I feel too bad about. When you eat properly their hold on you is loosened. So I did have some, but I didn't feel beholden to them. I could easily have done without the wine, and in fact asked for sparkling water and ice but was given wine instead (sabotage anyone?!) and couldn't be bothered to argue about it. And again, actually don't feel too bad because I wasn't in a mode where I felt I HAD TO HAVE WINE, which is what I am trying to get away from.

 

Today I have struggled with breakfast again ... ended up eating brioche and really wishing I hadn't (feeling too pressed for time which is rubbish given I actually had veggies in the fridge). Still, more soup for lunch today and I am having people over for dinner so will be eating a proper meal this evening (can't be bothered to cook it, but I will!), so I guess I will have achieved two proper meals by the end of today.

 

Have got to fit in quite a lot of work today to make up my hours but at least the kids are out with dad today, so I have some peace and quiet to get on with it.

 

Thanks for the support, folks. I really appreciate it.

[Semolina]

Urgh. It's that time of year. People round for dinner at the weekend (fine, except I drank a glass of wine, but only one, so that's better), then to the in-laws on Sunday (crisps and dodgy gravy with the roast) ... and then the kids have been ill and off school, which means I am working like a demon as soon as they go to bed until I can't do it anymore. Hey ho. Am lucky to be able to work so flexibly. Still, I have managed to eat meals mostly ... soup at lunchtime is working for me; breakfast is still hit and miss but at least I'm eating it and dinner is OK. I have gained weight -- bleurgh -- I weighed myself today -- but I guess I should forgive myself that and just focus on moderation until the new year. Am actually generally feeling better about food, which is good.

 

I guess what is noticeable is that (at the moment at least) even though I'm not eating terribly well, I'm not stuffing chocolate into myself at every available opportunity. i'll take the wins where I can.

[Lizzard77]

I have suffered with depression most of my adult life (including my late teens).  It is very cyclical for me.  I will be fine for days, weeks even then bam! I can't make myself get out of bed for days.  It is very disrupting.  After my father passed last year I developed mysterious and debilitating joint pain, after seeing 4 different doctors who wanted to pump me full of random medications without finding out what was really going on, I decided to take control of it myself and heal myself with food as medecine.  I came across ISWF and Whole9 and that is where my journey began.  I still struggle with depression but it is so much more in control when I am exercising regularly and eating for my health. 

 

That long winded introduction is to say, you need to take it easy on yourself.  You are still in mourning.  I fully understand that life goes on and we must put on our big girl panties, even when we can barely find them or make sure they are clean, but it is important to allow yourself to grieve alongside moving forward.  My mom reminds me, when I am having bad days, to only do what is possible.  If that means it is only possible to get the cauliflower in the oven but maybe not eat it, then by all means cook the cauliflower and don't eat it.  It sounds like you are making positive movement towards pulling yourself up, and absolutely continue to do that.  Sometimes you will have to force yourself to do so, but definitely remember that it is ok to feel really really sad. 

 

Now, all of that also being said, it sounds like you are feeling better as you take action.  Another thing my mom reminds me of is that it is easier to keep a ball rolling than it is to get it rolling.  If you've gotten your ball rolling then build up that momentum and try to do more possible activites every day.  Eating well will vastly improve the way you feel.  maybe try and get a short walk in everyday too, exercise is a huge anti-depressant.

 

Lastly, and I say this from experience, I struggle with my alcohol intake at times and if I am not careful it can get out of control.  I have learned that the last thing I need to do when depressed is drink.  It's great that you are not having "have to have" moments but then why even have.  It will contribute to the depression.  I am not trying to preach or judge by any means, these are simply things to think on.

 

I know some of what I have said is contrary but you need to allow yourself to feel then take a deep breath and move on.  if you need another moment to feel, then do it but take another deep breath and move on.  Slowly you won't need as many moments to feel and daily tasks will become easier. Be kind to yourself right now in all aspects.

 

Sending you healing and happy wishes

[Semolina]

Thank-you Lizzard. Hope the joint pain is better? (I love hearing others' stories ... and I am amazed again and again at what an impact food has on our general health outcomes ... obvious when you think about it for longer than 20 seconds, but still somehow amazing!) ... now just to apply that to my own life ... (!)

 

Breakfast totally off piste again today, but lunch was planned soup with chicken and veggies and a banana, and dinner is a whole 30 curry which I LOVE (mmmm being able to feel good about curries with coconut milk in is a big plus for W30 living!). I probably will have rice with it rather than riced cauliflower ... was wondering whether you can rice raw cauliflower and then freeze it and cook straight from frozen ... would simplify things again which will help me. Must look it up (today's job!). If I had some sitting in the fridge or freezer I would probably have that instead today, but ricing a cauliflower just for my dinner tonight feels wasteful and effortful (though first thing in the morning I would have the energy to do it and put it in the freezer). Am discovering I am much better off doing things in the morning that I hate doing (mostly food related) and then working late evening as I mind that much less. It's all about balance.

 

Am also considering making my breakfast right now ... I used to make a muesli with oats, yoghurt, lemon juice and banana which you make the night before ... I know it's totally off W30 but it has to be better than cheerios.

 

Exercise is a whole 'nother venture which I am totally not even going to touch until 2014. I have always liked exercise but have -- in recent years -- struggled to fit it in. Once we move back into our own house (March 2014 -- undergoing major renovations, living in rented at the mo) I will work to fit it back in. Not exercising for the rest of my life is not an option, and my life is going to be as busy as it is now for the foreseeable, so I need to get something to work. However, I am parking that for a few months more. One thing at a time ...

[KJ!]

You are doing incredibly well for what you are up against. If anything you are understimating the stress you're under - adding the major renovation, living in a rental, and needing to move back in spring you just mentioned - !!! When my Mom died unexpectedly, my Dad and I did a stress questionnaire. The one we did had 300 points as the place you were likely to die. His score was over 500 and mine was 750. I bet you are way up there. My Dad died six years later by the way, of pancreatic cancer, so I sypathize and empathize. Grieving takes much more energy, and lasts much longer, than our culture allows for. It may not seem like it from the inside, but you are doing fabulously!    

[Semolina]

Thank-you, KJ!. You are no doubt right ... there's a lot of stuff going on. Sorry to hear about your mom and dad. We all know we are going to lose our parents at some stage, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's the practical stuff I'm finding harder than I expected to.

 

Having said that, today has been pretty good so far. I made a decision to deal with some of the not-work related stuff which is bothering me (=mostly decisions / paperwork regarding the house) and ate oats and yoghurt for breakfast, soup, banana and egg for lunch, and I'm having leftover curry for dinner. I'm starting to pull back some control in my eating: I can feel myself going "why would I eat that?" when I see something in the cupboard which just earlier this week would have sung a siren song to me, whether or not I gave in to eating it.

 

I have also made an evening meal plan from here to when the kids go back to school in January (!) which is working on lots of protein and veggies but also simple simple simple so I don't get too stressed out by it. My first week in January is all planned for W30 and I felt pretty good about that. Have decided to source some coconut aminos (difficult in the UK), which I haven't done before, and some compliant fish sauce (easy) so that I can have a wider option on my "old favourites" that I can easily convert to W30 friendly food in the new year.

 

Feeling better, today, and for that I am grateful.

[Semolina]

So, here's the thing: yesterday I did pretty well food-wise, and otherwise ...

 

Today, I am more stressed than usual (my mum has just gone in for some tests as it appears there is something wrong with her heart and I am waiting to hear the results) so on the way back from the school run I stop at the supermarket and look at all the revolting food I don't want to eat and then I buy some anyway and eat it straight away (crunchy sweet stuff ... the crunch part is important.)

 

I had eaten my oaty yoghurt thing for breakfast ... but here's the difference between "healthy" eating and W30 eating ... it didn't stop me from buying random biscuits and eating them. When I am doing W30 that just doesn't happen. If I find myself in a supermarket I am full from my last hot meal of eggs and vegetables and coconut oil (or whatever I've had) and feeling sated and full and FOOD IS JUST NOT IN MY MIND. It's completely irrelevant. I can walk past all manner of "tempting" food because I am not remotely interested in it. My body is telling me that it is full and happy and I can switch off the "what am I going to eat next" part of my brain entirely for four or five hours at a time.

 

Eating oats with yoghurt might be (by others' standards) really very healthy but it just doesn't have the same impact. It is not realistic with everything on my plate at the mo to do the W30 thing until after Christmas but I am REALLY looking forward to do it again (and amazingly -- it's delicious as well).

[Derek`]

So sorry to hear about your mother.  Hang in there as well as you can.  Good plan with starting a W30 after Christmas.  If following W30 really helps you that much, can you start now and commit to a "Whole11" or "Whole10" to up until your planned offroading for Christmas celebrations?

[Lizzard77]

Never go to the market hungry!!!  I make that mistake all the time and end up buying all sorts of stuff I didnt plan to.  I will say this, after 6 months of eating primal/Whole30/WAPF my off-road overbuying looks very different than it did before so, there is a light at the end the way you perceive junk vs healthy will change after a time of putting this into practice.  When I have a "bad" day, my hubinator reminds that a bad day this year would have been a good day last year.  Standards get higher and the junk get healthier, if you can imaging that!

 

And yes, my joint pain has become minimal.  When I off road, even off roading to WAPF I notice pain returning so i know that my clean diet has a lot to do with my inflammation.  Really interesting how the body works that way! 

 

I dont know if you eat eggs but maybe for breakfast you could hard boil a few eggs and keep some salad greens ready to go in the fridge, then in the AM just slice the egg over the greens and have that with your banana, or if you can take a minute to fry up an egg in coconut oil or ghee that way you get the added fat and a little sauciness from the yolk.  Its got to be better than oats, you may be feeling sluggish due to the gluten. 

 

I hope everything goes well with your mom.  I will keep you in my thoughts in the coming days. 

[PamH]

Why don't you eat a Whole30 breakfast forever?

 

Prayers for mum.  I'm sure that is so stressful!

[Semolina]

Thanks, everyone. My mum is still not right, but she is not being the most co-operative patient. Still, she made it through Christmas, as did we all. I am SO EXCITED it is 1st Jan and feeling really good about starting with at least a W30. My eggs are cooking, and I am having them with lettuce this morning. Roll on 2014.

[Semolina]

Oh urgh. Here I am AGAIN. Did my W30 in January. It rocked. I decided to stick with it post W30 as I think it's a great way to eat.

 

On Saturday I off-roaded, in an unplanned fashion (hubbie brought in mini eggs to the house ... he has promised he won't do it again!) ... which was reasonably contained on Saturday (I wasn't feeling well anyway that day, which didn't help) and thought I was doing OK, and then on Sunday it all went wrong ... and today I am back in the place I was in when I started this thread: I don't have anything compliant and easy in the fridge, don't really want to eat "other stuff" but the thought of actually roasting a cauliflower is just too much. (Or cooking anything, to be honest: usually the first inkling that all is not well in my life is that cooking suddenly becomes insurmountably difficult.)

 

I know why of course ... I have just completed the project I was brought in to do at work, and am not sure what happens next (do they still want to employ me for something else, or should I already be out there looking?) ... which should be resolved pretty soon but I am SO CROSS with myself that my response to this is to get a bad case of "can't be bothered" where preparing good food for myself is too hard / not worthwhile ...

It's SO all about planning. I think the fact I didn't feel well on Saturday (enormous tension headache, which was stress-related) meant I didn't do all the stuff I usually do on Saturday, and combined with being stressed about other stuff it has all just unravelled.

 

I know I can pull it back together again, and I will, but I also know it won't be today, or maybe even this week or next week (the kids are off school next week which requires another level of planning altogether anyway). I guess I should just forgive myself that, go with the flow, eat the best I can and not beat myself up about it. Easier said than done, though.

[Kage]

Hi,

My Mum died at the end of October. I can relate to every thing being too hard. Some days getting out of bed has seemed too hard but I have 2 little kids and a job and a husband so what else can I do? I have been drinking too much, eating the easiest things I can (while still knowing I can't feed my kids rubbish). I have felt broken. I wondered too if I am depressed but I think (and my GP agrees) it is not depression but a part of normal grief. A big part of my motivation to do a whole30 (my first, I am day 23) has been to try and heal myself. It seems to be working I feel less broken but still so incredibly sad, can't expect any thing to fix that. I have always had some mild anxiety ( I am a worrier) but since Mum died I have suffered anxiety which some days has been so bad I have felt incapable of doing any thing and my ability to deal with stress is still seriously diminished.

You are right you should forgive yourself. This is hard. Tomorrow is a new day.

[PamH]

Hi,

My Mum died at the end of October. I can relate to every thing being too hard. Some days getting out of bed has seemed too hard but I have 2 little kids and a job and a husband so what else can I do? I have been drinking too much, eating the easiest things I can (while still knowing I can't feed my kids rubbish). I have felt broken. I wondered too if I am depressed but I think (and my GP agrees) it is not depression but a part of normal grief. A big part of my motivation to do a whole30 (my first, I am day 23) has been to try and heal myself. It seems to be working I feel less broken but still so incredibly sad, can't expect any thing to fix that. I have always had some mild anxiety ( I am a worrier) but since Mum died I have suffered anxiety which some days has been so bad I have felt incapable of doing any thing and my ability to deal with stress is still seriously diminished.

You are right you should forgive yourself. This is hard. Tomorrow is a new day.

So sorry, Kage.  Depression sure is a natural stage of grief, but pay attention to the severity and longevity.  I think you are reaching the time where things should start to feel a little easier but we are all different.  My mother in law died a year ago (October 2012) and she was a pivotal member of the family.  It hurts.

 

I am no fan of medication, but don't rule it out.  Try high doses of Omega 3 fatty acids (I mean 2-3 g/day), DAILY sun exposure if you can, exercise and even essential oils for the anxiety?  

 

Congratulations on getting this far in a Whole30 despite the circumstances.  Many of us cannot complete one under the best of emotional circumstances.  

[Kage]

Thank you for replying PamH. My depression and the anxiety have eased significantly. Things are easier I just miss her, we were very close and my girls thought she was the best thing ever so they miss her too.

(I had a little giggle at your "get some sun if you can comment) I am in Australia and we are in the middle of a heat wave having the hottest Feb since the late 1800's it is going to be 43°C today (no idea what the is in F 115ish maybe? Well over 100 any way. The current challenge here is not getting too much sun ) I will buy some fish oil though. Thanks again