Frustrating weekend with family

[Jennyebn]

My future hubby's parents have a beach house which we go to a few times during the summer, including a full week at the end of August. We are on our way back from there now and I'm just so thoroughly annoyed by the way his parents treated me. They are VERY unhealthy: his dad has heart problems and colitis. His mother has high blood pressure and is obese. They are both on a plethora of medication. I came a bit prepared with some healthy snacks. Friday night they all had pizza and I had a salad. Yesterday wasn't a problem bc we ate out most of the time. This morning, they had pancakes and sausage, I made myself eggs.

What annoys me is that I explained to them on Friday when we got there how I was eating, my reasons behind it, the positive results I saw (future father in law asked me after I told him I lost 7 lbs "how would you feel if I told you you look the same as you did the last time I saw you? - very nice, thanks), etc. They had an answer for everything and how grains are good and all of that. I didn't feel like trying to "sell" them on my new lifestyle choices so I just let them talk.

I guess I'm just looking to hear how others deal with this. When we will be there for vacation, we go grocery shopping so I won't be depending on them for meals which will help out a lot. I'm so frustrated and bothered. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Shantess]

Yeah...I feel ya. You're gonna get flack from some people, even family who should be supportive of your choices. I have family in the medical profession who counter-everything I say with the typical arguments. However, (and I know this may sound rude but it's nothing compared to their rudeness towards me) then I just stop and look at them. I don't say anything more, I just look at them and think to myself "the proof is in the pudding (perhaps literally!)". They may be doctors and pharmacists, but they're also quite overweight with various health issues. Then I feel ok with what I'm doing.

[befabdaily]

People do this because they perceive an implied judgment from you when you won't eat their food. I went vegan in grad school for a while, and I may possibly have been an insufferable snot about it, but I could also hardly avoid being defensive and trying to explain my position, because oh the holy hell that my mother can raise when you don't want to eat what they're eating. Fortunately, with the paleo thing, my mother could SEE a difference in me immediately when I got there -- and it wasn't weight, it was that my constant sniffling was gone and the whites of my eyes were actually white. This was right after I wound up my first Whole30. So we bought coconut milk and veggies and when we went out, it was to places where it was easy for me to at least avoid dairy and grains.

[missmary]

Try to remember that this isn't about you. It's about them, and they sound like they are having a tough time...

My parents/family are pretty good about my food choices, maybe in part because I try hard not to make it a big deal. I just say I feel better if I eat x, y, z or not q. I don't go further unless asked. I gush about how great my mom's rhubarb custard pie tastes (I remember, it does!) but I still don't eat any. "gosh, I wish I could, but it would give me a stomach ache." done.

On the other hand, there are a few people in my life who DO have issues with my eating. Once I figured out WHY, it was easier to deal with: some people see how I eat as a judgement about how they eat. It plays to their own insecurities about the unhealthy choices they are making. Talking about how healthy it is, or what a great choice it is to eat like I'm eating doesn't make it better, it just makes them feel worse, so I keep a low profile on the diet stuff.

[lauraska]

I just got back from a week at the beach with my father-in-law who is not only unsupportive, but also incredibly argumentative in general. Plus, he hates women who speak.

At first, he was fine with picking up a couple things for me (coconut milk, ground turkey for breakfast, etc) at the grocery store. But of course, he HAD to say something about how hard it was to find the coconut milk and how silly it was that I couldn't just put some half & half in my coffee. And then that turned into me trying to explain why I'm eating this way and him saying that if I really wanted to lose weight, I should forget this diet and do the Scarsdale diet (a starvation model, of course). I tried to explain that it wasn't a diet, that it was an entire lifestyle change, yadda yadda. And nothing.

Like all of the other commenters, it was definitely more of an insecurity thing for him as I'm sure it is for most of the critics. Eventually, you are forced to just stop arguing and say something like, "I eat this way because it makes me feel better" which is usually interpreted as snotty. There's no real way to win these arguments, so my typical response is just to shut it down as quickly as possible and not care too much about how it's interpreted.

[Phanniemae]

I'm glad that you vented and got so many great responses!

[Emily]

I have no idea if this is true for your in-laws to be, but here's a theory of mine:

Sometimes I wonder if people are really responding to the fact that you are clearly in control of what you are eating. That has bigger implications for life and (I think) it forces people to consider how in control of their own life they are. (This consideration may be conscious or unconscious). I'm afraid many of us feel very out of control, but often lash out instead of acknowledging that out-of-controlness in our own lives.

I'm saying the same thing as the other posters who point to insecurity. I'm just using slightly different words.

Sorry if that's too much psychobabble! Nice job on being in control of what you eat, no matter what the surroundings say!

[hobbitgirl]

Well, aren't they a pleasent bunch of rubes?

Hmm..you look no different? Funny pops, you look the same too. But, you can't see my insides and you can't see how great I actually FEEL.

I have a very overweight mother in law as well. She thinks she eats healthy, really, but she nibbles constantly, and she doesn't move. I gave up on trying because it's her life...not mine. I can control me. And maybe that's part of it that's bugging your in laws. They see that you are in control of yourself. They can't control themselves, so they are attempting to control you by their jabs...and when it doesn't work either..they will probably just get nastier. Deep inside, under all that gack, they know they are wrong.

[EllieBellie]

Nthing that this speaks more of your FIL's jealousy than your progress. Also, some folks are just plain rude and think that their opinions just have to be voiced.

I have an absolutely lovely co-worker who happens to be obese. She brought in a homemade carrot cake that I turned down in front of everyone. She looked crestfallen and she probably knew I was judging her (I was... a bit... which is totally unfair considering I used to eat cake ALL THE TIME), but did she make a fuss or embarrass me with the Spanish inquisition in front of everyone? No, because she's a nice person.

Really, when did rude people forget that if you can't say anything nice, then you keep your trap shut?

[Ra_k_]

I went to a hens day on saturday, where majority of the day was spent eating food. First stop a cupcakery, then Italian and then italian and Japanese for dinner. I took my own foods for the entire day, which i was happy to do so. And the lady who organised it, was ok with me doing that. And nobody seemed to care too much that i wasn't eating what they were eating, except.... my close friend. The whole day she was making sly remarks about me not drinking, about me not eating sugar. And my friends know me, and know i play around with my nutrtition a lot.

It really got to me, that my friend was soo judgmental about me not drinking. It wasn't her hens, and the hen didn't even care that i wasn't drinking. We then started to talk about my up coming 5 week trip to Europe. I was telling them all about how i'm not intending to drink the entire time, maybe a wine here and there. And well this didn't sit right with her. She told me that whats the point on going on holidays if i'm not going to enjoy my time? I don't see how me not drinking is not enjoying my time. I just don't want to be drunk the entire trip and put on weight.

In the end i jokingly told her to stop judging my lifestyle choices. I know she loves me, and i love her, but i hate how she makes me feel bad about not making the same lifestyle choices as her. She's very fit, and very active, and can eat whatever she wants, according to her its a moderation thing. Which i don't agree with, but i don't push my beliefs on her, so i'm dumbfounded why she has to push her beliefs on me.....

i'm sorry for the rant, haha just needed to get it all out

[Jennyebn]

Thanks everyone. I know we all have people who aren't supportive of this. It's frustrating and I'm glad I have this venue to vent and receive some kind words.

[Bdel]

Ahhhh, thank you, I needed this post!

I'm on day 17 of my first Whole30. Two days a month we all work late and food is ordered in. Last night was pizza and breaded chicken bites. I had salad, fruit, and some leftovers from lunch. But one person wouldn't stop arguing with me about grains being good, "if you eat the right ones". And, "I see a nutritionist and she says...". And of course, "Oh, you read a book. Everyone has a book."

I felt worse for the other people in the room who had to witness the two of us. I finally just stopped talking. I wish I'd just said that pizza upsets my stomach. These people don't know me well (I've only been there a month) so they don't know the changes Paleo has afforded me over the last 8 months.

I'll chalk it up to guilt on their part for their lack of control and just keep doing what I do.

[jhmomi]

Sorry you had to go through that. And anyone else that has dealt with this struggle.

My family is used to me trying new things. I have never been very overweight but have fluctuated within a 30 lb range for most of my life. I am a Lifetime Member at Weight Watchers. I lost weight with Atkins and kept it off for almost a year. I lost weight with Medifast/Take Shape for Life too. All the programs worked when I did them, but I never committed to the lifestyle changes required to maintain the losses. After all these trials and tribulations, I stiil get grief about my diet sometimes.

My preference for describing the way I eat if anyone specifically asks:

My diet is focused on whole, unprocessed foods. I am avoiding sugar and gluten too. If anyone wants more specifics then I tell them about Paleo.

The thing I finally learned to say about what I choose to eat or not to eat - I FEEL BETTER WHEN I EAT THIS WAY.

As for any mention of how much or how little I might weigh: IT MAY NOT BE PERFECT, BUT I LIKE MY BODY THE WAY IT IS RIGHT NOW.

My favorite response when I am out at a party and someone asks why I am not eating anything - I AM JUST NOT HUNGRY RIGHT NOW. MAYBE LATER. (But I am thinking in my head - all the food is gross and full of sugar, butter or cheese and I would rather step outside and eat the bag of almonds I have in my purse...)

Good luck working it through with the family. As for your next trip, pack all the food you can and bring it with you. Even without a cooler you can bring your own beef jerky, nuts, seeds, canned tuna or sardines, coconut flakes, etc. Coconut milk cans aren't that big either. When I visited my mother recently, I brought my own cooler, and kept adding ice. It was awesome. I had all the food I wanted, but I didn't clutter up HER refrigerator. First time I tried it and it was great for her and for me.

One nice cookbook I have (not all Whole30 though) is Make It Paleo. The photos are gorgeous and it's my only hardcopy Paleo cookbook (the rest are Kindle). I have shown photos of the recipes to non-Paleo folks to give them an idea of all the wonderful foods we CAN eat. It seems to help shift the focus away from foods we choose not to eat. Might not help with your family situation, but I think it's a great way to introduce other people to why we think a Paleo diet is a really good approach to our diets.

[Bridget]

I still don't get why anyone else cares ??!! And thinks they ought to be heard ???!

[Susan W]

I really don't say much to people unless they ask and then I focus on what I eat and not what "I can't or won't have". Some people are intrigued and then I roll into my elevator speech (and more ) and if someone offers me something I CHOOSE not to eat, I just say "no thank you" and that's the end of it. I also am really good at providing for myself everything I want and need and when I cook dinner for a crowd, they eat my version of Paleo or Whole30 depending on what I'm doing. It never phases anyone. If someone digs deep and wants to argue, I simply say "this is what I am doing now" and don't let it get to me. I don't engage.

Now, here's a great trick (that was unintended) and had great results. My brother recently traveled to Peru, Argentina and Bali to surf. I had decided to give him my Kindle since I had bought myself the Fire. Well, I told him to just leave it registered on my account since I had so many books I thought he might like. Then it hit me.... I sent him every Paleo book I own including ISWF and Well Fed. He now insists on Grass Fed beef and pastured chickens. He and my mom have always been into organic everything and no trans fats, but he went up a level. I act very innocent about it. "Oh, did I have those on that Kindle..huh".

[Derval]

Lol stealth kindle action!

[Susan W]

Lol stealth kindle action!

LOL..I wonder how many other friends and family with Kindles I can unregister, register to me, fill them up with Whole30 and Paleo stuff and then claim innocence.