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Asking myself "WHY AM I DOING THIS?!"


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I am on day 12, still compliant and don't really have "cravings" per se. I ate rather healthily before with the occasional whole wheat mini bagel, bowl of oatmeal, or bowl of kix cereal-- I arrived here because I'm someone who always strives for better. If there's something out there that could make me healthier, happier, and more comfortable then I want to do it. 

 

My problem is this...today I've been asking myself "WHY?! Why are you doing this to yourself?" I'm not sure what my answer is. I mean I hate that I feel bloated, full, and have incomplete eliminations quite frequently on my "normal diet" but I make due and it doesn't cause too many issues I suppose (other than annoyance and discomfort). I don't even have any cravings so I don't know why I have this nagging self-doubt about continuing. What gives?! 

 

Maybe it's the fact that, in general, I don't like restriction. I don't like demonizing food and making moral judgments about MYSELF based on the foods that I eat. I once suffered from anorexia and it took a lot for me to be able to eat "normal foods" and I guess I always have to second guess my motivation for self-imposed restrictions. I'm not saying I have anything inside of me that sees this as way to unhealthily restrict my food choices but I think because I've conditioned myself to question such behaviors that that might be why I'm having doubts/questions. 

 

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here or even what I'm expecting in return but I just had to say SOMETHING about the way I'm feeling/thinking. I don't know what to make of it or how to turn my brain off. I'm eating PLENTY and in a way that is much less restricting than probably ever before (given the amount of oils/fats that I'm using and the fact that I'm not weighing/measuring anything that I eat) but I keep questioning myself. 

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Whenever I feel like this I pick up "It Starts With Food" to remind myself of WHY.  I can't count how many times I have said to myself in the past 15 days, "This is stupid.  WHY AM I DOING THIS?!" I struggle with turning my brain off- especially the self reflection.  With everything I do I am questioning my motives.  It's exhausting!

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