Binge eater finishing W30

[littleg]

I'm a little early to post this... but I'm a little worried so I was hoping to get some feedback.  I'm on Day 25.  And I'm nervous about finishing.  I have been a binge eater for nearly 20 years.  Started in late high school.  I have never in my life gone this long without binge eating.  When I began this I posted something about still wanting to weigh my food and track it.  Tom the moderator told me to not do the W30.  I did anyway.  I chucked the scale and figured, whatever, I'll do this for a day and see what happens.  Well, I made it one day.  Then two... and now 24.5  I had an addiction to dessert.  And that is what it felt like.  I literally would be so consumed by thinking about dessert (just after dinner) that I could do nothing else.  And these urges often led to binges.  My evening was centered around eating those stupid chocolate bars.  So, anyway, here I am on day 25.  I'm eating real food, not "saving" calories for dessert at night. And for the most part... I'm FINE.  I can do other things after dinner and actually focus and not just think about having dessert.  I honestly, in a million years, NEVER thought this would happen to me.  And I don't want this feeling of contentment after eating dinner (vs. the NEED to continue eating) to go away.  But I don't want to do the W30 forever.  And, to be honest, I'm scared $hitless about doing anything to change whatever it is I've got going on with my hormones/in my head right now.  Because this is all I've wanted for the last 20 years...  

[LadyM]

Congrats on making it this far and achieving a lifelong dream!

 

I think you're right that sustaining and maintaining that dream is going to take effort. I also think fear is a normal part of finishing a first W30 that is fairly well documented around here. That's why they call it "riding your own bike" afterwards, because it's a very similar thrill/fear combo to taking off the training wheels for the first time.

 

W30 does the best job of all the 367,294 nutrition programs I've tried to physiologically correct the problems that lead to binge eating. There's also a spiritual and psychological part that W30/W9 touches on, but I think it can be beneficial if not crucial for some to incorporate Overeaters Anonymous and/or therapy to help them continue on a healthy and supportive path.

[pjena]

Personally, if you feel good, I'd keep eating this way.  You can do a proper reintro to see how certain foods affect you while still being committed to the template and no sugar.  That should extend the benefits for a while before you have to trust yourself to avoid binges. 

 

Why do you say you don't want to stay on W30 forever?  What are the reasons?  Maybe you can come up with a strategy.  For example, if the main reason you don't want to stay on W30 is the hassle factor when eating away from home, mabye commit to eating W30 at home 100%, but give yourself some leeway when you eat out.  After reintros, of course, so you know how you might feel when you indulge.   

 

For myself, I *try* to decide before each occasion what I will do (I sometimes slip, of course).  I know that if I go to a party where I'll be faced with a table full of food and sweets in particular, I'll be a lot more likely to resist the temptation if I don't have any alcohol.  So, at those occasions, I will try to arrive full, drink water and kombucha and not put anything in my mouth.  If I don't start, I don't have to try to stop.  On the other hand, if I'm going out for a special dinner, I may choose to indulge in a glass of wine and dessert.  I know I won't be able to go overboard in that situation.  I may overeat because restaurant portions are too big, but I won't be able to continue with a sugar binge.  It's trial and error.  You'll probably fall (because we're all human), but you know what to do to pick yourself back up. 

 

Enjoy the rest of your W30, be proud, and come up with a good reintro plan.  Good luck!

[JJB]

 For example, if the main reason you don't want to stay on W30 is the hassle factor when eating away from home, mabye commit to eating W30 at home 100%, but give yourself some leeway when you eat out.  

 

I think this is really smart. It's so easy to buy too-large portions at the grocery store. If you limit "treats" to a restaurant/special meal, you're unlikely to order the equivalent of multiple portions, which is what I always ended up doing last year when I allowed myself to have sugar (i.e. couldn't decide between chocolate, ice cream, jelly beans, etc...so I'd just buy them all!).

[littleg]

Thanks for the tips guys.  I've decided to try another 30 days - mainly just to see "what if" and also because my period is pretty painful and this month the symptoms were much more moderate.  I need another data point to see if no dairy (I'm assuming its the dairy) somehow messes with my hormones enough to make a difference.  If I have another low pain/shorter period I may need to keep dairy out for good.  However, after 60 days (if I make it) hubs and I have talked about no cheese in the house (I easily have days were 50% of my calories are cheese) - but cheese is ok when we go out.  I may add rice back in from time to time (mostly in the form of rice cakes every once in a while for crunch) and sushi.  Alcohol will be ok if I'm out.  Things like that - but for the most part this way of eating truly made me realize I just do NOT need my two main food groups: chocolate and cheese!  And I'd like to keep it that way in the house for exactly the reasons both of you touched on

[giftogab]

It  been 20 YEARS of binging and 30 DAYS not. Be proud but diligent as these things take time. Another whole30 is a great idea and as your body heals and you work on what triggers you, you will find longer and longer term success.

[Guest WholeStanley]

Littleg, how did your second whole30 go? I'm in day 28 at the moment and your original post completely mirrored my situation so I'm curious as to how you've found life after your first whole30 and into the second?

[Lemony]

Reading the above posts was what I needed today. I am day 4 well really day 34 as I am going straight into another whole 30. I have binged and purged for the last 2-3 yrs daily sometimes . I have tried lots of diets, nutritionists, hypnosis .. Books lots and lots to try and just stop ... Secretly I used to call myself greedy as I could choose my first bite after that all bets were off !! It sounds ridiculous as I type but it's been awful caught in this cycle. Whole 30 is really helping me

[littleg]

Wholestanley - I just noticed your question!

 

I think my second W30 went ok...  Its been 6 weeks or so since it ended I think.  Hubs and I are just about to do another W30 since he wants to lose some more weight for his obstacle race season.  

 

I'll just let you know where I am today

 

Good stuff:

I'm still 95%ish W30.  Cheese isn't in the house.  I have been having some chocolate.  But here is the weird part... I don't even really want it!  I haven't had just chocolate for dessert except for once (small binge last week -- totally stress related - I'll touch on that in a minute) - I've been making it into an avocado chocolate pudding.  But I prefer my trusty coconut milk over frozen fruit  I've had some wine - been drunk enough to make bad food choices - but didn't!  Binge urge is much lower than before W30.  Weight is ok down about 3-4 lbs from before my first W30).  Last week was a little rough so I may be up a lb or two, but I suspect it would naturally come back off within a week or so.  

 

Bad stuff:

I totally lapsed back in to skipping breakfast and "saving" calories for later at night.  The evening munchies were not nearly as bad as a bar of chocolate - usually just something like a grapefruit and an apple before some mango with coconut milk.  

 

I feel orthorexic.  It is nearly impossible to have a "normal" social life while eating this way.  Adding in cheese and wine after the W30 makes it better - I had a few delicious meals out - but while on the W30, forget it.  

 

I still binge.  MUCH less frequently and MUCH less severely.  Binges are always W30 compliant - nuts and fruit.  I've put together a spreadsheet as well to try to help me figure out *why* I am binge eating.  

 

These are the column headings.  Just yes or no questions to try to help me look back and figure out a pattern.  I was visiting my mom last week - we don't get along great and she is sick - and I binged (the ONE time I've had actual chocolate by itself and not a W30 compliant binge).  BUT I hadn't slept well for a few days too.  I'm hoping that after 5-10 binges I can see a pattern in what brings one on.  How many binges are preceded by poor sleep vs stress vs tasty food just being around.  

 

 

Enough sleep for last 2 nights? In caloric balance last 2 days? Undereat today? In an uncomfortable situation? Feeling stressed about general life? Feeling stressed about something specific today?

Is there food around that seems tempting and "worth it"?

 

 

 

How have you guys been doing?  Better? Worse? The same?

[pjena]

Great update!  I'm glad things are going pretty well.  I like the idea of tracking potential causes of your binges.  I know being tired is a trigger for me.  Stress, too.  And spending time with the in-laws.  And not having anything I have to do (I don't do well with down time).  I have been at this over a year now.  I have had binges/serious offroads (hello, Easter...), but they are getting smaller and farther apart.  I feel like that is progress.  So, I try not to let myself get down when I do binge, whether on compliant or non-compliant foods.  I try to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on wth the goal of calmly eating what I eat and not thinking too much about it.  As time passes, my periods of calm eating are getting longer.  Maybe someday, it won't be an issue.  Or, maybe it will always be an issue.  But, as long as I can stretch out the calm periods, I'm good.

[littleg]

Pjena - that sounds like great progress and such a good mindset to have!  It seems like you know a lot of your triggers.  I'm hoping my spreadsheet helps me figure mine out

 

The other thing I'm wondering about now is the self loathing of the day after a binge.  When I was at my mom's and ate my way through half a bag of Hershey's chips... that was what - maybe 1000 calories.  Not a huge deal.  If Joe Schmoe goes to an ice cream parlor and gets a sundae it is the same caloric intake.  Joe has breakfast the next day and thinks nothing of it.  I don't eat until dinner and am a totally bitch the day after because I am so disappointed in myself.  I don't really know how to tackle this self loathing but I need to figure something out.  If only for my husband - who has to live with me the day after I binge eat

[LadyM]

What works for me after any significant, even undignified, off roading is to return to template eating the very next day. I've made that commitment to myself regardless of how wild my cravings are, and within 24 hours I'm back on track.

 

Trying that might head off the binge/purge cycle and help minimize the damage--both physical and psychological. That's been my experience, anyway!

[littleg]

I find getting back on track is a huge help too!  

 

What is your head like the next day though?  That is what I need help with!

[pjena]

For me, remembering exactly what you said helps me.  Another person wouldn't think twice about consuming 1000 calories of drinks or appetizers or desserts, so it's not that big a deal.  I don't like how I feel physically, so I want to try to avoid it in the future, but it's not worth beating myself up over.  I try to just put it in perspective, eat as close to template as possible and move on.  After my Easter disaster, that's what I did.  Just was super kind to myself for the next week, both with what I ate and what I let my head tell myself.  Eventually, I got over the physical bad feelings and got back into a good rhythm. 

[LadyM]

I chalk it up to learning and let it go. I do just enough critical analysis of what happened and why to glean something from it and then stop. My new thing is to stop pathologizing myself. Accept who I am in each moment and take good care of myself. That means practicing loving kindness. The binge/off roading is damage enough. A further psychological beatdown makes things worse.

[Guest]

For me, recognising my triggers is important. I have just finished my 2nd whole30 and have off-roaded badly. And to be honest, I feel like absolute rubbish for it. I haven't eaten dinner the past 2 nights due to too much binging. I feel foggy headed, irritable, fat, bloated and I have pains in my chest.

 

My binge eating is actually a lot worse on work days. I work in an office, and my job is busy, I eat out of stress and when I want a break from the office.

 

I am going to lock my purse in my car tomorrow, so I can't just wonder down to the shop to buy comfort food. However, if I was desperately hungry, I would make the trip to the car park...

[MeadowLily]

Binge eating is cyclic...because it's bad human/good human.  Black and white thinking - all in or out of whack.   If you throw your scales out the window, it takes their power away.   If you stop beating yourself up (I'm talking to myself) then the temptation to be a bad human is not so powerful.

 

I think many binge eaters are perfectionists.   If you can't do it all perfectly, then throw the good days out with the bathwater and eat like there's no tomorrow.   About 6 months down the road, the quest to be perfect starts over again.

 

I've been doing this cycle for about 14 years.  I'm sooo tired of it.  Self-loathing comes  because we keep ourselves at the bottom of the heap.  Binge/starve and everything inbetween is tied to childhood, friends, foes and family.  We're either pleasing them or forgetting us.    No gray areas.

 

I think it's very human not to do well with 1000's of  food choices, eateries, drive-thru's and grocery stores.  We live in a visually pleasing world and we want it all.    The body wants what the body wants.

 

Somebody has to be in charge.   If we can't do it, we lean on other's encouragement.

 

Little kids do very well with structure.   Naps, bedtime and meals.   We need structure to cope.   Until we can become mature copers about this food thing, we're the kids in need of structure.  For whatever reasons, we're late bloomers.

 

Structure without loathing, then we can move on to being normal human beings.

[pjena]

Little kids do very well with structure.   Naps, bedtime and meals.   We need structure to cope.   Until we can become mature copers about this food thing, we're the kids in need of structure.  For whatever reasons, we're late bloomers.

 

 

 

Interesting idea.  I read a book a while back about how other cultures have a "food culture" that gives structure to not only what but also when and how they eat.  The lack of a "food culture" in the US, in particular, is the cause of a lot of our health problems.  Unfortunately, we seem to be exporting these problems. 

[jennor]

Interesting idea.  I read a book a while back about how other cultures have a "food culture" that gives structure to not only what but also when and how they eat.  The lack of a "food culture" in the US, in particular, is the cause of a lot of our health problems.  Unfortunately, we seem to be exporting these problems. 

This is very intresting to me! I am not a binge eater, but I live in Sweden and the first times I came to the US I was shocked. I lived with an American family and they never ate breakfast together in the morning, everyone just grabbed something from the fridge and left the house. At lunch we ate at a cafeteria type place at college and it was fast food or candy/chips. Dinner at home everyone just heated up a pre-made dish (Lean Cuisine-type of frozen food) and ate on the couch whenever. It was such a culture shock!

 

I was used to eating breakfast together with my family. Bread, yogurt or oatmeal, sitting down together before we went to school/work. Lunch in the Swedish school sysmtem is a warm meal, not delicous or home made by any means, but regular food like meat and potatoes and a salad bar. Dinner we always ate together as a family, and it was a homemade meal served at the kitchen table, never ever in front of the TV.

 

The lack of prober meals and "real" food is one of the first impressions I have from the US. I was 18 at the time and not the most appreciative kid - typical teenager. I have never been happier to come back home to my mum's cooking!

 

Now I have travellled quite a bit more, but I still think about how important it is to sit down and eat together whenever I travel to the US and I see how people are constantly eating - in the car, in line, walking around. If there is no meal structure there is also no structure of when NOT to eat, so there is constant snacking and eating all day long and no pause between meals. I think that is a big part of the obesity problem.

[MeadowLily]

This is very intresting to me! I am not a binge eater, but I live in Sweden and the first times I came to the US I was shocked. I lived with an American family and they never ate breakfast together in the morning, everyone just grabbed something from the fridge and left the house. At lunch we ate at a cafeteria type place at college and it was fast food or candy/chips. Dinner at home everyone just heated up a pre-made dish (Lean Cuisine-type of frozen food) and ate on the couch whenever. It was such a culture shock!

 

I was used to eating breakfast together with my family. Bread, yogurt or oatmeal, sitting down together before we went to school/work. Lunch in the Swedish school sysmtem is a warm meal, not delicous or home made by any means, but regular food like meat and potatoes and a salad bar. Dinner we always ate together as a family, and it was a homemade meal served at the kitchen table, never ever in front of the TV.

 

The lack of prober meals and "real" food is one of the first impressions I have from the US. I was 18 at the time and not the most appreciative kid - typical teenager. I have never been happier to come back home to my mum's cooking!

 

Now I have travellled quite a bit more, but I still think about how important it is to sit down and eat together whenever I travel to the US and I see how people are constantly eating - in the car, in line, walking around. If there is no meal structure there is also no structure of when NOT to eat, so there is constant snacking and eating all day long and no pause between meals. I think that is a big part of the obesity problem.

Absolutely.  I see people hiding in their cars and eating all of the time.   Parking lots, library or at the stop light.  The kids are in the backseat doing the same thing.   Structure.

[amy3509]

 

I think many binge eaters are perfectionists.   If you can't do it all perfectly, then throw the good days out with the bathwater and eat like there's no tomorrow.   About 6 months down the road, the quest to be perfect starts over again.

 

This is profound, and I thank you for it.  I can certainly relate to that cycle.

 

To the OP, the self loathing is so powerful, isn't it?  I think that is something that needs to be tackled over time, peeled back layer by layer.  It takes time for a new perspective to soak in, I think.  It was helpful to me to read perspectives radically different from my own.  One that comes to mind is Geneen Roth's stuff.  I think her approach is missing the physiological realities about how foods affect our bodies and then affect our choices, but still lots of good stuff there.  I remember reading one of her books and having my world cracked wide open by the idea that what/how much/when I ate and whether or not I was the "perfect" size was not part of the moral realm - that I was still the same person with all my great qualities.  That the people who loved me didn't keep me around based on how much I weighed or whether I ate chocolate bars 2 at a time in periods of stress.  On the flip side of this, she introduced me to the idea that even if I ate "perfect" and looked "perfect", I would not be guaranteed happiness nor would I be perfect.

 

Our culture attaches so much moral judgement to body size, eating, etc . . . and I think some of us amplify this and make it even bigger in our own inner dialogue.