New here,need serous help and lots of issues

[Dutchie]

Hello everyone,

I'm in serious need of help. I try to keep a long story as short as possible.

As a child/teenager I've always been chubby/obese and never felt attractive bc I also had a kind of male body type. (big belly,lower backfat,flat/no ass,virtually no boobs,(strong)hairgrowth on places more typical for a male etc. In my mid 20's I decided I needed to lose weight and started going to the gym doing Cardio,what started originally as 3days a week for about 45min. ended eventually in OCD 6days a week for at least 1hour with the tempo/resistance going higher,typically eating lots of lowfat sweet stuff,lots of bread etc. yet I couldn't lose my gut.

Then I came at a dietician who 'calculated' what I needed of carbs cutting out sugar(which was around 90grams a day and you could eat unlimited veggies to fill you up)(in form of lowfat yoghurt with granola,bread,pasta etc.),moderate proteine and virtually no fat to lose weight without exercising. He said most people don't need a lot of fat,except if one might have a very intense physical demanding job. He prided himself that his clients felt more energetic,yet I felt less energetic and my lingering symptoms,for instance fatigue and hypoglycemia,became worse.I also was hungry most of the time.

Ultimately I discovered that I'd been suffering from Lyme&co for about 10years and I decided to do a foodintolerance test bc I was experiencing more&more weird symptome after eating something and I ultimately felt best when I didnt eat anything. The testresults steered me towards Paleo about one&half year ago. In the meanwhile I lost a lot of weight and became underweight (for the first time in my life). In the beginning it was all kinda fun,but as I progressed and read more about Paleo and discovered various sites such as MarksdailyApple I became scared&anxious of his 'carbcurve'(with him its the other way around….100gr.of carbs is already a lot:s),yet while still fearing the fat a little or that is too much fat and not exercising anymore, all the talk about IF'ing,'how it's not normal/necessary to eat 3meals a day',sitting too much etc.

I've gotten so much food issues,OCD&general anxieties about becoming fat again and also falling a lot off the wagon lately,that I decided to join the gym again and start with a Stronglifts kinda program (though I'm really at kiddy/no-weights and they kinda advised me to stay at that for about 4 to 6weeks),telling myself I need to just start eating 3nutritious meals a day to gain healthy weight.However I'm now falling even hard off the wagon and the food intake seems to increase even more which scares the f*ck out of me.

I just want to be able to eat 3nutritious meals,not think about macro's anymore etc.,though it really seems the entire Paleo community doesn't eat that way. But I'm so fucking scared of the 'conscious gaining' process bc I feel once 'it's on,there's no more room for f'ing up!',I also get anxious being/having to stay at home bc I have no job or any idea what I'd like to do for that matter.I also get these weird crippling anxiety attacks 'when I feel good',get this very warm sensation, or want to do something creative which I used to like and instead feel that I should keep moving,walking etc.(I also most lately feel like 'falling back into my old pattern' of going to the gym most days.Maybe bc I've been used to pushing through pain,fatigue etc. for so many years…living in the dark,that the light actually scares the sh*t out of me!) The only time I seem to be calm,relaxed&more clearheaded about this is at nighttime when I actually should be in bed sleeping. (sleeping is another thing I can't seem to get a good grip on,usually in cyclic patterns…maybe bc of the Lyme :s despite all the measurements I've taken.)

I can't handle high free fructose fruits and also sweet potatoe,which leaves out virtually all fruit except from some banana and lemon/limes and some Manuka Honey. I even seem to handle table sugar better,than fructose (though ofcourse it has it's other culprits).

I honestly don't recognize myself anymore most of the time. My organs&hormones are so f*ed up I think, probably having really bad die-off symptoms etc.

It doesn't matter anymore what I eat,be it bad or good,once food enters my body it's giving me anxious,depressed,OCD,lethargic or whatever feelings and I have to keep on moving,doing exercises/wanting to escape to the gym,biting nails,fidgeting or whatever.Right now it seems like I'm the most calm&clearheaded,feeling like doing stuff, when I'm actually hungry or past it and at nighttime when I should actually go to bed :s

I really can't and don't handle this well,especially the staying on track after being disciplined so long I'm definitely starting to lose the battle with these critters,falling off the wagon lately going to the Chinese Wokbuffet eating lots of salad with sugary Chinese food and massive quantities of dessert/icecream&whipped cream bc I'm so unhappy,anxious and lost in life. I also worry a lot about how to handle the future mealprepping especially when I have some kind of job again,what to eat bc most Paleo sites are kinda about the same boring food like bacon,eggs,avocado,eating 3times a day (which means having to be home/eat at home more instead of 'escaping the house') which would require me to get up earlier for more space between breakfast&lunch&dinner which in turn makes the day last even longer and even more thinking about what I should do. (I really get that feeling of escaping to the gym everyday out of familiarity&anxiety,ease of mind(though it stresses my adrenals I presume) though I also don't know what to do there exercise wise apart from days of Stronglifts kinda protocol.Though I'm really at kiddy weights and don't feel like I've exercised since your done with a workout after about 15minutes if I don't have to wait at the machines. I also wonder when you make quick progress if you don't reach a final plateau fast and are done with the program/how to keep growing&develloping over years in Lifting?keeping and possibly growing your muscles for the body not to become used to it……actually that's my problem/worry with exercise/working out in general since I always kept increasing my time&resistance back in the days on the Cardio machines?)

Like I said I'm such a (medical) mess and can't find someone to help me and I just plainly don't care if I'd not wake up anymore,it would actually seem like a relief…..I've seen so many people who promise to help and bail out on me after the first or second time.

I'd love to be able to eat whatever for instance like this girl,though she's not officially Paleo,be happy/no more anxiety etc.

Moving forward again with my life and loving it without anxious worries about eating,moving,failing off the wagon&cravings,feeding the wrong organisms/food-cravings&second guessing oneself about it,'feeling too good' etc.

I can't talk with my mom&sister about all these things,bc are bond is kinda broken since all of this started.It would've been nice if I had someone to do/share this together with in my environment.

I really really wish I would've been on the other side of the spectrum,of the happily losing weight succes stories, like most Paleo people and not 'having to gain',feeling like my body wants to constantly 'trap me into being fat again',distrusting myself bc I never know when is being steered by the wrong organisms etc.

As childish as it is….I really wish I had someone,preferrably a lifestyle/Personal Trainer/Paleo nutritionist coach to guide&consolidate me through the entire process.(it also would be nice if I could afford a dog)….you know 'hold my hand' bc now most of the days I feel like: "….it would be a blessing if I just didn't wake up anymore,so I'd be out of this f*cking mess". I'm still probably forgetting lots of things.

Sorry for my ranting and sometimes bad language…..

[Tom Denham]

You've come to the right place. Start a Whole30 today. Follow the meal plan at every meal - protein the size of the palm of your hand, a portion of fat as big as your thumb, and fill the rest of your plate up with veggies. Eat at least 3 meals per day. After a few weeks, your anxiety will probably begin to come down and you will begin to feel a little better.

[Dutchie]

You've come to the right place. Start a Whole30 today. Follow the meal plan at every meal - protein the size of the palm of your hand, a portion of fat as big as your thumb, and fill the rest of your plate up with veggies. Eat at least 3 meals per day. After a few weeks, your anxiety will probably begin to come down and you will begin to feel a little better.

Thanx Tom.....I wish it were that simple.

Now for instance I'm constantly trying to talk myself out of going to the Chinese buffet, because I realistically know it doesnt do me any good however "I" also want to "for one last time and then I'll start"(which I keep telling myself everytime,yet keep derailing after a couple of days) and because for a moment it makes me feel normal again,no anxiety&stress (till after I'm done) etc.

I'm really desperate and like I said,just plainly want to die bc I can't handle the fear,anxiety,OCD and food issues anymore. And yes.....I've already seen lots of therapists in my life but none seem to work.

[Keri W.]

Awwww...hang in there. You are on the right path by being here. Get yourself going on a whole30 ASAP. You will feel soooooo much better mentally and physically. Then, you will have the motivation to continue on with good things in your life. The whole30 really is life changing. Do this for you!!!! It is difficult to pull ourselves out of our old habits...but even 3 or 4 days on a whole30 seems to really make a difference! Just give it a try. You have nothing to lose...and only great feelings and health to gain.

[Ann]

I agree with Keri, even just a few days will make a difference to begin with. Maybe try a Whole4, then a Whole7, then a Whole14 ... work your way up to a Whole30? Each time you do it, your willpower will get just a little stronger, and from my experience, I was feeling significant results (physically and mentally) at Day 5. I really hope you will choose to give this a try, you won't regret it.

[Dutchie]

I just really don't know how to go about it all,how to handle all the cooking&prepping and stuff....

It is obviously very clear that my body wants to pack on the pounds,and by that I don't mean just muscle but I guess mostly fat,since I'm underweight(while there actually only needs to go a little bit of fat to grow my boobs back,however I'm afraid a lot of it will go to my stomach too) and it's probably gonna come back with a vengeance after years of the wrong eating habits&excessive Cardioing while not knowing I was chronically ill. Because I keep craving icecream&banana with whipped cream,sugary Chinese sauces etc. So basically sugar&fat. (I can easily eat an entire medium to big Hokaido pumpkin,500grams of beets and whatsoever.....)

This makes me so nervous,especially bc I just am terrified to do it consciously with healthy foods and at home.....I'm already in my mind trying to come up with lots of exercises so that I can go to the gym or at home everyday. I'm just terrified,bc I've been used to feeling tired,jointpain while pushing through&going to the gym daily for years that I immediately get scared when I feel strong,energetic etc. as if something scary is gonna happen and the gaining fat process is beginning.

On top of that there's still all the mental issues I have regarding what the former dietician 'calculated' for me,what Sisson claims and all the dogma surrounding "good&bad foods even if it's a whole food" and me thinking I've never done enough exercise and/or hard enoug,still a having a hard time trusting the 'less is more' regarding exercise etc. Yet I realistically know if I exercise I need more food in order to grow&maintain,or at least I suppose.....

I wish I could afford and that there actually was a Paleo Personal Coach near me to guide and ease my mind a bit in it........though I also wish to be 'free' again of calculating,measuring etc. macronutrients/food in general and be able to trust my body.

[Melissa Urban]

Dutchie,

I'm going to recommend that you speak with a professional counselor about your issues. Trust me when I say that there are some issues that run so deep, we aren't consciously aware of where they come from - which means we can't actually work on improving them. I've made such tremendous headway with some really serious issues (regarding my addiction) with a good psychologist. The third party, non-personal, educated and trained professional will see things you can't, and give you someone to talk to who can help in a constructure manner.

Some of these things are so deep-rooted, so difficult to deal with and move past, that no food plan, no amount of encouragement from family and friends, no amount of willpower or dedication can see you through. You don't have to see someone one-on-one if you don't want to - try a group setting (perhaps a group for those with eating disorders - not that I'm diagnosing you, please understand. That group, however, would understand how difficult it is to reestablish a healthy relationship with food.)

We'll do what we can here on the boards, but I think the kind of support you need may exceed our talents, education, and experience. Please keep posting, sharing, and we'll keep offering you whatever advice we can... but please, consider seeking out someone qualified to talk through some of these issues. You've already taken the first step by coming here.

Best,

Melissa

[RevKT]

Dutchie,

I agree with Melissa that you need to see a professional. I know you said you have gone to therapists before but it all depends on the therapist and what they are treating you for. I have seen therapists for fourteen years and now have finally found ones who are diagnosing me correctly and who take food and lifestyle into consideration. It all depends on where your illness comes from, because while it is a chemical imbalance, there are also triggers in our life that triggered the imbalance to be active in the first place and/or triggers that keep happening so we continue to have the anxiety and everything else. It also sounds like you might need to find someone who works with people with eating disorders, not that I would know if you have one, but they do understand the deeper issues with food relationships.

For me, I have bipolar disorder, anxiety, some OCD tendencies, and a binge eating disorder but these really all stem from major trama that happened and is happening in my life that I really have not been dealing with. Like Melissa said, some of our issues are so deep we don't consiously know where they come from. Due to this, therapy can take a long time because they can only work with what we tell them and if much of what is going on is not conscious, they may not know how to help us yet.

It can take forever to find the right therapsit, I know, but you have to keep looking. Look for a practice that also uses non-pharmocological treatments and focuses on diet, exercise, and sleep as part of a treatment program. Also accupuncture and energy work have been great for people.

That does not mean we stop trying though. Even one good meal a day for now or one night a week of good sleep when normally you never sleep is imporvement. You just have to keep fighting for your life. I know it sucks and sometimes we just want to give up, but you are worth the work it takes to be healthy and happy.

And, as a side note, in terms of things being too hard to cook, I find the meals in It Starts With Food the easiest to follow. Very tasty yet all follow a basic formula. You only need a few things around and you can make different meals out of virtually the same ingredients but with different spices. And they are scalable to however many people you are feeding.

Good luck and do keep posting so you have some daily support along the way.

Katie

[Dutchie]

That's always the reply I get "seek a therapist....go to an eating disorder group etc." I do and have done the first numerous times and I'm getting quite sick of everytime needing to tell my entire history every time I get to a new one during a couple of sessions and then I'm out of money eventually.

So,today I couldn't contain myself anymore again:( when I went to Aachen (I live close to the German border) and partook in a breakfast buffet (however I try to keep things usually somewhat Paleoish/try to avoid certain things) bc it makes me 'feel good&normal" and I like eating on my own yet being amongst people. And the thing is,when I'm at such things I don't think about ratios/portions/macros , anymore bc I think "just this one time and tomorrow I'm gonna go to the gym anyway".And it also feels like such a relief that I can just "go sit at a table and try to eat intuitively without having to struggle with lots of different pots&pans myself"

Here's what I had: 1Green Tea,couple of lettuce leafs,couple of slices of cucumber,couple of slices of green Bell Pepper,one Lemon, couple of slices of smoked salmon,2 small pieces of whitefish(I think it was Cod) in some kind of cheesy sauce I guess,one slice of turkeybreast&2slices of cheese which were actually there to put on bread.They also had different pies for dessert....I took one cheesecake kinda pie,dont know what the stuff is called in the US that's inbetween it I think soft curd, anyway I only ate that stuff in between and left the dough for what it was (though I dont know if it had some sugar in it,probably yes bc everything usually kinda has but the Germans usually use it way less than the Dutch lately and thats usually HCFS, it didnt taste too overly sweet.) I always carry around a small tube with Himalayan salt in it,which I put on the foods.

That's when I had my first splurge of diarrea (excuse the gross subject),I know it's not a good thing however it feels so good to me especially bc I'm mostly constipated.

Then at dinnertime I was craving the Chinese Wok restaurant again so I thought "what the hell just this one time......again"

Here's what I had over there: 2 coffee jars of Green Tea,probably around 3 to 4lemons, couple of steamed BokChoy leaves with 2florets of broccoli and 3 shrimps&small piece of beef(I actually only ask to steam it instead of Wok bc all the Woksauces contain Soy),probably around 3plates of shredded lettuce(I guess mostly iceberg) and couple of slices of green Bell Pepper (maybe between a half and an entire one) as a "dressing" I had some kind of Chinese sweet sugary sauce though I tried to limit it as much as possible(probably was around one eatspoon),some shredded bits of salmon&tuna,and probably around a quarter of mackarel.

And then came dessert.......most dairy ice cream contains HCFS over here,however this soft icecream contains dextrose which I seem to be able to handle a bit better as I was told dextrose is the same as glucose so no fructose which I try to avoid as much as possible to my knowledge. Anyway I think I had entirely one fully loaded medium bowl of soft icecream(as I went multiple times for small servings) heaped everytime with lots of whipped cream. They also had Tiramisu,which I took 2small pieces of but only ate the Mascarpone out of it and left the cake. Though the Mascarpone definitely had sugar in it too.

Then came the second splurge of diarrea afterwards. After this happens,I usually feel like ordering stuff again (at that moment I was at the McDonalds) however I didn't as I do not want to become too full.

My legs&feet are actually burning&feeling a lot stronger,I'm feeling more clearheaded yet also very mild anxiety in the back of my head regarding Paleo(and also how much I ate today)&fgoing probably to feel anxious again and from a practical point of view how to handle it all,having to eat&prepare meals at home,what to eat etc.,however I don't want to keep doing this to myself also from a financial point of view.(I'm thinking more&more that if one might keep their bad hosts "happy" they also make you "feel happy"...)

Anyone any ideas regarding this?(foodintakewise) (There actually once was a Paleoish doctor who gave JoeB a calculation program and according to this doc's calculation programm I needed 100gr.of Carbs,100gr.of proteine,and around 80gr.of fat to heal the adrenals/thyroid.....which kinda scares the f*ck out of me,bc this regular dietician I talked about calculated the same carbwise,lower in proteine and virtually no fat! So I guess this calculation comes down to Matt Stone's kinda RRARFing theory and I'm just so scared I'm gonna gain massive amounts of bodyfat this way....yet it does might help me,however if I'll have to try to hit those targets I have to be counting/measuring/weighing stuff again which let me to all these food-issues in the first place. I just want to be able to eat whatever&trust my body,not feel anxious/lethargic anymore but most of all not think about macro's&types of food anymore. This Doctor Garrett Smith actually was also mentioned in an article of Performance Menu called "The Case for High Carb Paleo....however I don't do Crossfit,unfortunately bc it's nowhere near me.I was wondering if CF exercises can be done in a regular gym with no equipment as a replacement for HIIT?Or how HIIT can be done in a gym as I imagine it might be such a hassle to programm/having to push buttons while being busy on the threadmill. Also I never was kind of a runner,due to pain/weak in knees....which btw at the moment is gone completely too! )

[kayell]

Dutchie, I hear you that you're not interested in going to therapy again, but the problem is that you're kind of trying to use us as therapists. (In my opinion) And we're not. We can be a support group, but we're really not going to be much help with the really heavy stuff. Keep coming by, but try to hear what people are telling you.

Long therapy can be rough. You might want to look into Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT). It's more geared to getting you rapidly past specific problems, and doesn't focus on past issues, just on how to find solutions now. Cognitive behavior therapy is also more geared to results than towards the past.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

As far as your meals - my quick advise would be to stop counting tiny pieces of broccoli and plates of shredded lettuce. That leads to exactly what you're doing - eating a pile of sugar because you are hungry. Have a large piece of meat or fish, some fat, and a huge heap of veg. If you're still hungry, eat some more meat.

Eat enough in meals at home that you aren't hungry and craving. Don't try to live on slivers. Then don't go to the restaurants.

[Dutchie]

I never said I'm not seeing a therapist,I just get tired of endlesly having to tell the entire same history everytime I'm beginning somewhere new.I'm at a therapist already and no I'm not using you all for therapy and yes I was looking for support.....or at least hoping someone who might recognise some of all this stuff.

The eating out is actually more of a struggle mentally,bc I always in the past liked&used to when I was a day out to go and eat somewhere like most normal people do. Also like I said,it also gives me a cosy feeling being/eating on my own yet being amongst people instead of eating alone at home (though I do like eating at home while watching some show that I like...it's actually the only time I watch tv these days.Though I don't eat and watch simultaneously,I always unconsciously watch my food when I take a bite and mostly look at the tv when my mouth is empty) . And then there's the third aspect I mentioned of stressrelief of just being able to sit down,eat whatever combinations (proteine,veggies) you feel like bc it's there in front of you....no hassling at home with lots of pots&pans simultaneously.

At moments like yesterday evening I most of the time watch this video as I actually like her meals though she isn't completely Paleo nor calls herself eating that way,they look delicious and as if it's not too much work&hassle regarding pots&pans yet varied in the way of various veggies in one meal bc I wish I had such inspiration regarding what to eat&combine and make simple healthy dishes. The only thing I don't like is all the olive oil,though I like the way her salads look,I'd like to have more saturated fat instead of olive oil(though I don't particularly hate it.I just think it's a bit too much unsaturated fats bc I already eat fatty fish on a daily basis and if I'm constantly gonna have to use olive oil...I just think it's a bit too much,also becomes boring using olive oil daily.) though it's really hard regarding salad dressings as coconut oil&butter cool down and set immediately again. And the other thing I don't use is the soysauce,though it really is easy to combine with stuff to flavour (I actually heard about something called "coconut aminos" that should kinda taste the same? but it's not for sale over here,nobody even heard of it nor can order it.I could order it on the net,but then I'm probably paying more shipping costs than the entire bottle price.). Apart from that,I like her enthusiasm and non-issues regarding macro's as in too many fats,proteine,veggies even the higher carb ones such as pumpkin,fruits(though bc of fructose I virtually cant eat fruit&sweet potato,apart from banana/plantain and a small bit of honey which are both high in Carb/Sugar and I dont see her eating that) proteine,fat,dairy(whether lowfat or highfat) and even sweetener/stevia&lots of Balsamic glaze which is higher in sugar than vinegar eating this way! (However please don't take this as an offense towards Whole30....it's just that I admire her non-issues regarding different foodgroups,quantities etc. and just being happy eating healthy foods and working out daily)

[jhmomi]

Dutchie,

I've read through your posts and I am sorry that you are struggling. I certainly don't have all the answers for you, but I do have a suggestion.

Study the guidelines of the Whole30, decide what foods you like that are acceptable, and GET STARTED. Even if you aren't sure about what you are willing to commit to long term, go ahead and commit to the program now and see what happens. If 30 days seems like too much, commit to 10 days, or 3 days or even ONE day. In simplest terms, I compare this to trying to make other decisions in life such as getting married (is he the right one?), having kids (am I ready? do we have enough money? what kind of parent will I be?) or buying a house (do I like the kitchen? what about the schools? is the interest rate right? am I paying too much?). At some point you just take all the information you have, sort it through and take a leap of blind faith. In the case of the Whole30, if it simply doesn't work for you once you have actually DONE it, then you will KNOW it wasn't the right answer for you. But all the research and agony of trying to decide if it is right for you before you even start a Whole30 just might just stress you out even more.

I hope I don't come across as unkind or harsh because I am sincerely trying to help. I just want you to give it a try and see. Best of luck to you whatever you decide!

[Wendy :)]

Dutchie-

Besides the nutritionist and counselors, what other health professionals have you seen? Any labs? How long ago? Do you have any old labs before you lost the weight? While I appreciate your emotional state and you seem a bit panicked, I think if you have some current concrete information about your body in the form of tests and concrete biological information, will you be able to breathe and see where you are. Information is power!! I get the sense that you feel a powerless over your external environment and you in it. Eating a better diet requires grabbing your life by the horns and driving it, not letting it drive you. You are very frustrated and are trying to be normal like everyone else. But look at everyone else, what do they look like, what is their cholesterol like, what is their stress like, what is their sex life like, what is their mentation like? Do you really want to be like them? They are probably eating a diet that is not good for them and are reaping the results. You are here and you know better; be the person who walks down the street and people think (because Lord knows they would never say it out loud), I wanna look like them (YOU)!!

As a society we have been inculcated that we need all this shiny, stimulating, brightly colored, delish food. The aesthetics of food generally do not convey health, or blue cake and with flowers and sparkles would be healthy. Health and a vital life, which is beautiful, are the goals. Being normal like everyone else sucks, because everyone else oftentimes is sick!!!

Fat - go back to your general biology class you had in primary school or high school, remember EVERY cell membrane in our body is composed of phospho-LIPID-bilayers. To deny ourselves fat/lipids - the right kind of fats and lipids (natural)- is to deny who we are and what we need on a cellular level. DO NOT FEAR FAT!! Pursue the right kind of fats, change it up, there are lots out there that are OK. There is more than olive oil out there!!

You might need a team to get you through this - Medical, Nutrition, counseling/life coach. Don't quit, don't give in to the bologna that everyone else does, do what you NEED to, not what everyone else is.

Breathe.

- W

[Dutchie]

Thank You Wendy for the encouraging words.

Yes,you are right I am frustrated bc I know what I'd want help-wise at the moment but can't get a hold on it so I keep going in the same circle without being able to break free. (I also seem to notice that a lot of my hunger&satiety&moods are caused by my digestion and probably other hormonal disregulations. For instance; according to the dilated pupil test I notice that when my pupils are dilated (meaning stress adrenals) I actually mentally feel my best/positive most of the time......however when I'm having racing anxious OCD thoughts etc. and I look into the mirror my pupils are normal. So,I'm more&more starting to belief the theories about die-off are very much true.....it's just that I'm battling all this stuff so long being strict that it's becoming too exhaustive.)

The entire specialized"team" you mentioned is something I very much would like&wish to have,the problem's however that there are not much or any great 'teammembers' near me,that would require travelling a couple of hours up North by train&bus,which I still wouldn't mind if I really got quality help. The biggest problem of them all however is that I just can't afford them(not to speak of additional extra travelling costs).

Like I said I like all the non-issues regarding food and 'optimistic naivety' the girl ,in the mentioned video, has. Yes,I know almost everyone is praising Paleo but lately I'm considering it more&more as a curse which led me to even bigger issues regarding food,mealfrequency,exercising,quantities&macro's etc. In the beginning when I stumbled upon Paleo due to intolerances I experienced that "Honeymoon phase" too and ate 3meals a day happily of whatever I wanted,how much I wanted etc(also bc I was even more underweight due to all the physical issues increased by the former 'regular dietician'. I do however have to admit that my Lyme treatment started from that moment too) Due to 'lack of inspiration' I started to search sites for recipes and stumbled upon various sites such as MDA and Paleohacks and the more articles I read over there the more I got into trouble and crippled by food.(such as foods "A"&"b"" feed mucus,Bananas/Plantains/Honey/pumpkin/beets are high in sugar/carbs these&too much carbs from veggies combined with fat lead to fatgain,dairy is bad or only highfat dairy is good etc....)

She just eats&prepares whatever she feels like,no anxious thoughts when you feel 'too good/strong muscle and thus having to do something/keep on moving endlessly/not needing more food etc.' she does however have the luck that she works from home/selfemployed and so is a bit more free regarding her work&exercise schedule from what I've gathered from her other videos.

I really wish I would've had a buddy like her in my neighborhood to do this together with....however where I live there's no such people and knowledge/participants of Paleo.

After 2years I'm also still struggling with the mental picture that the way/what I eat is not/does not feel normal (which easily gets increased by comments from outsiders as things are harder for me to shake off/let go as I also have 'the delight' of being HSP).....and from a practical point of view how to handle all the preparing and cooking,which I still suck majorly at (yet I do like to eat tasty meals...or at least something that corresponds in my mind as being 'a meal')(those kids in the series of Junior Masterchef make me even feel like a bigger disgrace seeing what they cook up) and trying to build up a life eventually which would require less time at home I guess,though I still don't know what I'd like to do.....

I guess the overall lifelesson I probably have to learn is to do this all on my own,trying to find the strenght,fearlesness and selflove(and trying to be fearless of no matter what I'm gonna look like as I still have the feeling I'm gonna end up like the chubby/obese girl I was years ago,at my heaviest when the first Lyme symptoms began,though I didn't know it back then.) to build up a balanced life and not fearing it might be blown to pieces again....bc all the times this has happened before I at least had the support&love of my mom&grandma to help me through....but my dear grandma passed away about a year ago and since all this stuff started the bond between my mom&I has broken too (I've fallen off the wagon of being a good daughter). But I digress,before I get more comments about this not being a therapy group.