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The Life Of A Food Addict


SDzombieGirl

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May 19, 2014

 

Dear self,

 

Please stop making bad life choices.  I beg of you.  And not just bad choices like buying a spin bike on a whim because you think you “might†like spinning.  News flash: you will NOT like spinning.  No one likes spinning.  A person who loves to sit on the couch and watch TV while mindlessly stuffing her face with food will NEVER like spinning.  And FYI—you, my dear, are one of those face-stuffing people.

 

And speaking of stuffing your face mindlessly with food...please stop doing that too.  I know you have an eating disorder that dominates all things related to food.  I know you didn't really want to eat that donut out of the trash can at work that one day.  I know you are not proud of spending $20 at the break room vending machine last Wednesday...or eating the pound of See's Candy that was supposed to be a gift for a client...or standing in front of the fridge at 2am emptying an entire can of Redi-Whip into your mouth.  I know it sucks to eat so much junk food that you are in physical pain yet STILL continue to eat more.  I also know that making bad life choices has got to stop.  The binge eating has got to stop.  The self-hate has got to stop.  The never ending cycle of self-destructive behavior has got to stop.

 

You might not know how to stop these things.  But you know where to start.  And it starts with food.

 

You're a smart girl.  Everyone knows that.  But it certainly doesn't take a PhD in quantum physics to see where you have gone completely and absolutely wrong.  You reap what you sow.  It is an eerily simple concept that you just can't seem to grasp.  You sow a Snickers bar and a Coke Zero and want to reap a 6 pack of abs.  You want a short cut.  You want to place the blame somewhere else.  You want the results without the hard work.  You want 8 pound 6 ounce baby Jesus to reach down from heaven and fix something that you need to fix yourself.  If your poor food choices wreak havoc on you physically and emotionally doesn't it stand to wager that good food choices would not wreak havoc on you?  In fact, good food might actually have a positive affect on you (spoiler alert:  Dallas and Melissa say it will).

 

30 days.  That is all I ask.  You really have nothing left to lose.  In fact, you really have no other choice unless you think padded walls and a straight jacket sound like a promising future.  Because that is exactly where you are headed with your obsessive behavior and calorie counting and binge eating and purging and restricting and more binge eating.  Chocolate covered misery is still misery.  And misery certainly doesn't look very good on you.  Not even when you're tan.  Which is when most things DO actually look good on you.

 

So go make some good life choices and do a Whole 30.  And for the love of all things holy sell that damn spin bike while you're at it.

 

Your # 1 fan,

 

Me

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i feel your pain, and could have very well written that same letter to myself...

 

Oh the countless times I've eaten the entire carton of ice cream, only to have to replace it, and eat it down to where it was, so no one would notice...

 

The pain of knowing where every trash can is on the way home so I can hid my binge... as if my foul mood wasn't enough of a tell tale sign?

 

Knowingly driving to the CVS, you know, for tampons or the like... and full well be aware you were buying a bag of hershey hugs... and dear lord they were on SALE so you bought two.. and manged to consume one ENTIRE bag before you got back to work (a mere 5ish mile maybe 10 minute drive)

 

Yep... I could have written that note to self easily...

 

*ps I do like spin though :-)

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Ladies, so much honesty! I can put away a half dozen Krispy Kreme donuts like it's nothing. I never speak about it because of course, who would? I also want a shortcut and I'm tired of feeling bloated, taking Tums every night, and constantly being "sick".

I like spin, but I don't fuel my body properly. I continually give myself excuses to put off til tomorrow. Not today. Today is day 1 for me. I can do this. I already have a headache. I knew I relied on processed foods too much, but I didn't realize how bad it was til I stopped myself, already, from grabbing some tortilla chips.

Good luck to us, and hopefully we can be supporters of each other during the next 30 days!

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Hi KimberlyRae & Andibech!

 

I don't think I ever realized how common disordered eating was until I got on this forum!  We are much too good at hiding our binge eating, quietly hating ourselves, promising we will change, and then repeating the same thing over and over and over again.  Without anyone ever knowing.  I'm pretty sure no one would ever know how messed up I am about food unless I told them.  And when I do tell them they look shocked and horrified and can't really comprehend what an intense struggle I have with food every. single. day.  I don't think anyone "gets it" unless you've been down this road--so thank you both for posting.  My heart goes out to you because I wouldn't wish this agony on my worst enemy.

 

We somehow got ourselves into this mess and it is up to us to get ourselves out.  And I am pretty sure that a Whole30 will bring a whole lotta healing which all of us desperately need after the things we have put our bodies through.

 

So....no more ice cream binges (although replacing the carton and eating it down to where it was is nothing short of genius and I am wondering why I never thought to do that with the Oreos!) and no more boxes of Krispy Kremes (which is what I imagine heaven tastes like).  And don't either one of you dare try to head to CVS on a tortilla chip/chocolate/tampon run because I am sooooo on to you!

 

Fingers crossed as I leave work and head out to run errands on my way home.  Day 1 has been great so far...but I know the last 3-4 hours of my day are the hardest for me.

 

Good luck!  You both have my support : )  See you back here on Day 2.

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hi SD and Kimberly!-- This afternoon my son polished off a donut in front of me (he's 5 and has no idea what changes I'm making) and I emailed my husband that I wanted to lick the icing from the donut off his shirt. That's bad. Real bad. I did NOT, though, just to be clear, lol  :P

 

I had my first day all planned out and woke up at 2am with a massive earache and ended up in the doctor's office first thing this morning, only to find out I have a bad ear infection and my ear doesn't drain properly. My husband asked me last night what I would do if I hit a stumbling block and I said well I will just do my best...I just didn't think it'd be Day 1. I can say with a lot of pride that I did not eat any donuts, chocolate, or the iced brownies my son demands for dessert every night. I stayed on track and while we didn't have the dinner we planned I still had a Whole30 dinner. 

 

Why is the evening the hardest time?! The last 3-4 hours of my day are terrible too-- I found myself opening cabinets randomly, without thinking. So I brewed a cup of lemon tea and opened up the forum for support. People don't realize how hard it is. My husband is on his own plan, and he also has an eating disorder. His brain doesn't properly identify when he's full, so he has to track his food intake very closely. He has been in therapy, but recently has been well enough to go on his own. It's such a struggle! He gained 140 lbs after we got together and now he's down almost 60 lbs; he's been working since around December of 2013. 

 

I got married in June 2012, and I found out I was pregnant in July 2012. At 17 weeks I lost the baby, and it was quite traumatic. Six months later, in March of 2013, I found out I was pregnant again...but this time it was a rare kind of ectopic that is between the uterus and the tube, called a corneal pregnancy. Before these things, I had a relatively good relationship with food. After these things, I gained 20 lbs and never lost it. I had to come to peace with these losses before I could move forward with my eating issues. One thing I know for certain: chocolate, donuts, candy, chips and pancakes do not cure emotional losses. Those things bring you further down.

 

I know we can do this and we can heal our bodies. The worst part of mine is I have an autoimmune disease (found out when I was almost 14) and I've known for quite some time that I need this. I just didn't want to admit it. I took a full two weeks to make the decision, because the last thing I wanted to do was "rush in" and not be prepared. I'm the only one in my house doing it, so I know I'm in for a harder battle because currently my husband is in the basement eating pizza and garlic bread, while I weep silently into my tea. (joking! Lol)

 

Hope you ladies are having a great evening! 

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Hello all!  What a great letter to yourself - and something that I too could have written.  I would "diet" and count calories and "be good" all day long, then 2 weeks in, I would binge.  The next day, jump on the scale and lo and behold, there was no change!  So it must have been ok, right?  I have found trash cans where there shouldn't be trash cans just to hide my fast food bags.  I have sat in the bottom of the closet with the door shut so I wouldn't have to share that candy bar with my kids.  I have eaten almost a weeks worth of grocerys (ie the kids lunches and snacks) at 2 am with the fridge door open..  and had to go shopping again the next day.

 

I am loving the w30 - no counting calories or measuring food.  I love the "restrictiveness" that keeps me from filling my body with junk.  If I am hungry, I have a meal - a good, nutritious, non-guilty meal! And...  I have found that I don't crave those binges anymore!  (I know that if I do start, it will never stop - so I guess I still need to keep going though).

 

Good luck on your journey!

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JJB thank you for the book recommedation... I will take a look at it today... I'm sure there is a kindle version which means I can have it faster!  I know a book, even Whole30, can't cure me... but if it gives me insight into my addiction, and ways I can avert it, I'm in.  Knowledge is power!

Read this book. Seriously. It has been recommended in several other threads, and I can't thank those people enough for mentioning it. 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Brain-over-Binge-Conventional-Recovered-ebook/dp/B005F9UZ1U/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1400546038&sr=8-1&keywords=brain+over+binge

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Two things. Okay, three, because first: I want to give you all hugs. This is hard stuff.

 

Second, Brain Over Binge (the book linked above) is a life-saver. It completely changed my relationship with my eating disorders. I no longer feel sick, or helpless, or out of control. This is after 21 years of hating myself and wondering what was wrong with me!

 

Third, one thing I've noticed after multiple Whole30s is that, for me, the urge to binge dies way down after the first two weeks. But I have to eat enough! The urge to binge—on Whole30-compliant foods or otherwise—will show up when I get too hungry, so eating plenty is key. I know it's hard when food feels like the enemy (especially if you've spent time restricting food intake to compensate for bingeing) but really feed your body.

 

 

Why is the evening the hardest time?!

 

I think evenings are when we feel most vulnerable, especially if we live stressful lives. Evening time is when we want to be de-stressing, relaxing, doing something nice for ourselves...and we've been conditioned to view food as the best comfort out there.

 

Best of luck to all of you. You can do it.

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Day 1 Recap

 

Overall:  My day was a low-end success.  Coulda been better, coulda been worse.  Much like the career of Jennifer Grey.

 

Attitude:  Determined and hopeful.  I really need to do this and stick to the W30 so I can repair my relationship with food.  If I hadn't at least made it through the first day I would have seriously considered signing over conservatorship of my life to Lindsay Lohan.  At least then I would have an excuse for being such a train wreck.

 

Meals:  2 out of 3.  I brought meal 1 and 2 to work but I just wasn't hungry enough to eat meal 2 before I left work--which is very odd.  Like even more odd than the fact that somehow Steven Segal become an actor.  Usually when I bring food to work I spend the first hour of my day eating my entire breakfast.  Followed by my entire lunch.  Followed by a trip to the vending machine.  Followed by a good cry in the bathroom.

 

Exercise:  Eh.  I did 30 minutes on the elliptical in the morning but my hopes of going to the gym after work were dashed because I was at Kohl's shopping for work clothes that won't make me look like a sausage.  How ironic.  The fact that my current state of chubbiness necessitated new clothes was the thing that kept me from working to lessen my current state of chubbiness with a gym sesh.  Laugh away universe.  Laugh away.

 

Sleep:  Horrible.  Absolutely horrible.  I was in bed by 9:02pm.  Holymotherofpearl I totally get a high five for that accomplishment.  However, I laid in bed stressing the ef out for an hour.  My mind would not shut up.  So I got up and took half a xanax.  And then I laid there stressing the ef out about how I was still stressing out.  So an hour later I took another half a xanax.  By 11:30 the xanax had done me a solid and I was sleeping like a little baby kitten.  Unfortunately, my xanax fog lasted well into my work day so my productivity level is about spot on with the Duck Dynasty crew.

 

Odds & Ends:  I have some great meals on tap for this week and this weekend.  Woot woot for that!  And I ordered some Tessemae's dressings yesterday.  I figured my first week would be pretty easy since I'm in the honeymoon phase and all lovey dovey with my W30 and think he is perfect and awesome and the best thing ever.  But by next week I will probably hate my W30 and think he is repulsive and ugly and I will want to punch him in the face and break up with him so I can go back to my single life.  And since I know my W30 isn't going to woo me with diamonds or take me to Fiji for a tropical vacay or get me a gift certificate to a spa I figured I would try to spice up our relationship with some compliant sauces that I can slather all over him in a very erotic yet creepy way.  I can pretty much make anything creepy.

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Day 2 Recap

 

Overall:  Day 2 was a success! (once I came out of my xanax induced coma)

 

Attitude:  My outlook right now is nothing short of spectacular.  It was so so so so awesome to wake up today and not have my first thoughts be a large dose of self-hate with a side of loathing topped with a heaping spoonful of disgust.  In fact, I think I had totally forgotten what it was like to wake up without the weight of yesterday's mistakes hanging like an anchor around my neck.  Boy did it feel good! 

 

Meals:  Today was another 2 meal day.  I only brought my breakfast to work since I already had my uneaten salad from Day 1 waiting for me in the fridge.  Long about the time I felt like eating breakfast my salad is what sounded the best.  I wasn't hungry until I got home and made myself dinner (which rendered enough leftovers for 2 more meals--score!).

 

Exercise:  Eh.  I've been pretty lazy this week.  Do not confuse this with being a side effect of the W30...I'm basically just a lazy person in general so this is par for he course.  I hit the office gym before I left work and clocked 2.5 miles on the treadmill though.  Truth be told I only made it that far because Twilight was on TV.  I had planned to lift weights after my run but my desire to get on the road and beat traffic won.  Tomorrow I shall lift weights and get buff while my eyes soak in all the delicious eye candy that my neighborhood gym has to offer.  My main motivation to EVER go to the gym is to see hot guys with nice bodies.

 

Sleep:  Better than last night but still not great.  I think I was in bed by 9pm again and I felt legitimately tired...but once I put my head on the pillow I immediately began stressing out about stuff.  Work.  Kids.  The boyfriend.  Money.  I don't know how many times I counted backwards from 10 before I fell asleep (that is my trick for getting my brain to shut up) but once I was asleep I slept pretty good.  Despite my TWO trips to go pee.  Seriously bladder?  Am I toddler?  Can you please hold more than a couple teaspoons of urine before you insist that I drag my ass out of bed to go to the bathroom?  There is a part of me that won't be the least bit embarrassed to get old and wear adult diapers.  Mainly it's the lazy part of me.

 

Odds & Ends:  My main source of stress in life comes from my eating issues.  When my eating issues are in full force my life pretty much circles the drain and I start shutting down.  These past 3+ weeks have been a prime example of how horrific things get when I am at rock bottom (or hovering dangerously close to rock bottom).  This is the first "almost rock bottom" that I have experienced since the boyfriend moved in with me and I must say that I am freaking the hell out. 

 

I have never had to deal with another person being around me (to this extent) when I am in my downward spiral.  There has not been a single day in the past 3+ weeks that I have not wanted to break up with the boyfriend and kick him out of my house.  He is a great guy and there are so so so many reasons that we make an awesome match but it is like a switch flipped in my head and I seriously can't stand him anymore.  And I don't know what to do.  I don't know if feeling this way about the boyfriend is a by-product of the self-destruction that comes along with my downward spiral or if this is just the normal growing pains of living with someone (which I haven't done since I got divorced 9 years ago) or if this is me realizing that he isn't right for me.  Ugh.

 

I'm going to try to put negative thoughts of the boyfriend out of my head and just concentrate on my W30.  I really think the next 28 days are going to bring me the clarity that I am currently lacking.  Keep calm and W30.  That's all I gotta do.

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Thank you for sharing yoru life and log with us.  I to know where to hid the carnage of a binge, and the shame of having to shop and replace things that have "disapeared" in the middle of the night.  I have not seen so many people be open and honest bout their food addictions as I have on these boards, and for that I am greatful.  It is nice to know I am not alone and hiding as much as I thought I was alone and hiding. 

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Your logs are definitely interesting to read and I definitely see a lot of my former self in there. I say former to give you hope.

 

A thought/suggestion - eat all 3 meals starting within an hour of waking and than 4-6 hours apart whether you are hungry or not. You really can't trust your bodies hunger cues right now especially coming off of the type of binge eating you are describing. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but it is about both getting enough nutrients in your body and re-balancing your hormones. I found this article a very good read: http://whole30.com/2014/02/listen-to-your-body/ It took my body a long time to start giving me trustworthy hunger and full cues.

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You crack me up. I really enjoyed reading your posts. I am the same way and like to make jokes when things suck!! You will do awesome just keep up your posts. It's great cheap entertainment for me especially when I'm all caught up on all of my housewives.

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Day 3 Recap

 

If I type out a recap of my day yesterday it is going to be way too much like yesterday and I will not only bore myself but bore every poor soul who reads this.  I felt good, didn't sleep great but didn't sleep lousy, I ate yummy food but only twice, W30 this, W30 that, blah blah blah.  Let's just move right along to today--Day 4.

 

Day 4 will forever be known and remembered as Sausage Slacks day.  I kid you not.  You'd think I would have know better seen as how I put on my yoga pants the other night (aka the stretchiest pants on the face of the earth that are a gift from baby Jesus for those of us with some chub) and they practically cut off my circulation because of how tight they were.  You'd think I would have know better seen as how I ALWAYS wear skirts because my chubbiness is much less noticeable when covered with flowy fabric.  You'd think I would have know better seen as how I have purposely NOT worn these exact slacks because they have been too tight in the past...and let's face it, I have only gotten larger with time because when you binge eat on the regular (ie. all the damn time) you tend to NOT get smaller.  That's a general rule.  I might be wrong.  But I am pretty certain I am not.

 

So here I am...sitting at my desk, rather uncomfortably I might add.  Because, yes, my pants are that freaking tight right now.  To say I look like a sausage is an understatement.  I look like a sausage that is about to explode out of it's casing at any second because approximately 2.83 times more sausage was crammed into said sausage casing than should have been crammed into said sausage casing.  In fact, even the "about to explode" part is a bit of an understatement since a seam in the back of my pants has already split open today.  Luckily it is up high by the waist band where it is covered by my shirt and not down low or I might be sent home for violating our office dress code (we have a rather reasonable business-attire-no-a$$less-slacks kind of dress code).  Or maybe I'd get hit on by the creepy guy that always tries to drag out our small talk into an awkwardly long conversation about nothing. 

 

The good news is that other than wearing and possibly destroying my Sausage Slacks (which are actually super cute slacks by the way) it has been a really great day.  The head honcho at work is retiring and tomorrow is his last day so today we had a par-tay for him that was catered from his favorite place to eat...which oddly enough is a gourmet hot dog place (I was actually unaware of the fact that you could make a hot dog gourmet but whatever--it's his party not mine).  So even though I was asked by practically everyone in the office if I was going to have a hot dog/some chips/a piece (or 2) of cake/some cookies I was able to politely decline while in my head I screamed at each and every one of them, "I split the freaking seam on my pants today people...I obviously have no business stuffing my face with fancied up hot dogs, greasy chips, and copious amounts of frosting topped sugary treats!"  Instead I simply heated up my W30 brunch and carried on as if there weren't 10 million delicious calories calling my name from the conference room. 

 

I may feel (and look) like a sausage and be in the small percentage of people who have actually had their chubiness rip holes in their clothing as it tried to escape confinement....but I feel accomplished and proud none the less.  In fact, I am going to go home and sew up my slacks and I will wear them again on Day 30 (June 17) and hopefully be able to write about how much better they fit.  And that I didn't rip a seam.  Oh what a victorious day that will be!

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Loving your posts and your honesty. My brain sounds a lot like your brain (although you're a bit funner ;) and that's so so comforting to someone who has thought they are crazy, and that no one else feels the way she does. Maybe you're crazy too -- but crazy with company somehow feels better! I jsut began my second try at whole30 today -- my first one ended on day 11 with a scone situation -- and i'm looking forward to following along with your journey and seeing the postiive changes in us both by the end!

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I really love your posts.  I cried when I read your letter to yourself because I could have written it to myself (and should).  Reading your posts give me hope and I don't feel as alone.  Thank you for all of your honesty.

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  • Whole30 Certified Coach

Hi!  I just saw your log.  As a (recovering?) binge eater I just wanted to stop in and say hi.  I'm in the best place I've been in 20+ years and owe most of that to W30.  I'm not the only one on these boards who can say that either.  

 

The rest I owe to Brain Over Binge (and Rational Recovery, the book that guided Kathryn's recovery).  

 

Good luck with the sausage pants in 25 days ;)  

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Thank you for being so honest.  I am always scared to be so honest in public about my issues.  I have issues trying to hide what all I have eaten or making myself feel terrible because of guilt and frustration that I can't just stop.  I yell at myself until I am bawling, "WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP?!"  Just stop... it blows.  To be honest... It blows.  Right now... this afternoon on day 2... I am trying to talk myself out of hard boiled eggs or an apple with sunbutter or a friggin' larabar.  Anyway thank you for your posts... I am looking forward to read more of your journey.

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A thought/suggestion - eat all 3 meals starting within an hour of waking and than 4-6 hours apart whether you are hungry or not. You really can't trust your bodies hunger cues right now especially coming off of the type of binge eating you are describing. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but it is about both getting enough nutrients in your body and re-balancing your hormones. I found this article a very good read: http://whole30.com/2014/02/listen-to-your-body/ It took my body a long time to start giving me trustworthy hunger and full cues.

 

This! This is so, so true, from my experience. Also, this helped me in getting my very disrupted sleep pattern back in line. (For a couple of years I was waking up in the middle of the night for 2 hours at a time every night). 

 

Thank you for posting so openly about your experience. I can't wait to read your posts on the other side of the Whole30. I have a feeling you'll feel like a new person.  :)

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