Dirty 30 "Best Group on W30"

[Geminimik]

WOW, this is the best OA Meeting I've ever been to.

 

Meadowlily - the older more spiritual agrees with, (was it Rose) who said the you grocery gloater is sad inside and not truly happy with herself. The little girl who survived in the trenches wants to say "I'll kick her ass, who the hell does she think she is, Deb, put on the pot - we're going to cook this witch", but alas, better just to tell you you are amazing. You have a journey. Our journeys are who we become in the process of making ourselves who we think we want to be. Your journey, from my point of view, is glorious. Yes, some old wounds, but I think you will work on letting those go and forgiving for good, because when we do, we stop renting space in our heads to "those people".

 

Deb C...no restaurants are safe for me, for whatever reason. There MUST be a paleo friendly one in the beach cities though.

 

Higs, Rose, Laurie, Sadie, CC - I read through most of your posts and will try to respond after driving time with 17-year-old.

 

Dave, as much as I would LOVE to disagree with you, I cannot. As overweight women I think we resent being on the back burner of society. My walking partner the other night was so enamored with the article...and I could see why. We shouldn't not live while we're overweight, but fighting to be light in spirit and body is an honorable quest.

 

I remember a couple of years after my divorce (and losing 50 pounds) I started ripping up pictures of my fatter self. I was so distraught (and still am) that I didn't let go of the weight. But through therapy I've learned that it was the only safety mechanism I learned to protect my little heart and soul. I was a good parent to myself, the best I know how. But now I have the opportunity to parent myself at a different level. You all are a big part of my parenting village. I've been lax on my reentry and allowing myself more restaurant stuff without the grilling of the water. My days have been home cooked and nurturing but last night I "joined in the group from peer pressure and had something that was not good for me. This AM, a headache, itching and lethargic. I'm picking myself up, telling myself it's okay and moving on.

 

I think I would be totally ready for a vigilant W30 about mid September. I have a vacation in September, but I have a time share...who knows, maybe I could make it my first W30 vacation.

 

Today will try a crockpot recipe. I have my ground chicken and cruciferous stirfry with avocado for lunch and then a dinner date at a french restaurant. Yes, I should have spoken up. No I didn't. I can get a salad, but you know there will be butter on something. Will get fruit.

 

Deb, I would really like to hang one day when your schedule settles down.

 

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs to all struggling with body image. Dave, I think daily about the story you told about you and your wife when you were at your heaviest and how you used that to catapult yourself to a healthier and more handsome (if that is possible) person. I want to be that kind to myself.

 

M

[MeadowLily]

Still having issues uploading a photo for you, MeadowLily. Sorry no rooster fish yet....

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[Laurie]

There is so much I want say.  I don't even know where to begin.  I  have tears in my eyes when I read all the posts.  Everyone is spilling their guts.  I'll begin by telling you more about me. 

 

I am going to be 51 in September.  I have not weighted myself in a long time but I'm about 110 lbs, 5'3.5".  Do I feel good about the way I look?  No.  I started having issues when I was 19, and now 30 years later, I'm still suffering.  I've lost a lot of my life to depression, low self esteem and poor body image.  It is no fun living like this.  Just because someone is on the thin side/looks good does not mean they are happy.  Meadowlily - I do wonder how grocery lady really feels on the inside.  She may look good on the outside but that has no impact on what is really going on inside her head.  Nevertheless, that does not gives her the right to judge or look down on anyone.  We all respect you, and as long as you respect yourself, you will always be on top.

I've been diagnosed at eating disorder non specified other  and also exercise bulimic at times.  I've never thrown up but I've eaten too much, restricted types of foods and over exercised.  I don't think I will ever be totally "normal" but who really is.  I am so sick of fighting my problems. I just wish I could relax and be happy the way I am.  What is my tombstone going to say?  She was thin - who cares. 

 

Unfortunately, I must stop typing because I have to leave my apartment.  More to come. 

 

Miki - I'm also loving this OA meeting. 

[Deb.]

Such a worthy discussion everyone. The bare faced honesty and courage is so much appreciated. 

 

I agree with Dave that health should be our goal. 

I agree with Miki that fat shaming by society is not what gets us there. 

I can tell you honestly that I have hidden in my house for the past year and feel so ashamed about having gained weight. 

I won't date and I hate seeing people that I haven't seen since I gained weight because I'm embarrassed. 

Strangers don't know that I've been sick. Society thinks I'm lazy and I eat too much. 

I feel like everyone looks at what I eat and thinks that I must eat secretly at home or that paleo is keeping the weight on. 

Miki I totally relate to what you are saying that we can't put our lives on hold because we're struggling with weight. But I do, and I have. And I have had that discussion with myself - like - go out and live, you can't stop having fun because you're dogged by the way you look. But it dogs me. I will also say that when I was the weight I want to be, it was amazing. I didn't have to worry every minute of every day that I was fat and had to do something about it. That giant weight on my shoulders (no pun intended) was GONE. And that felt great.  I feel like this issue is such a bundle of worms, I really do. 

I ALSO think that some truly morbidly obese people have deep rooted psychological issues that they have chosen to deal with, with food. Intense psychotherapy and pattern breaking work is needed to change that - and some of those folks simply don't have the resources financially, or emotionally for that. My heart breaks for them.

 

Yes, I think HEALTH over WEIGHT should be emphasis. 

But lessons in self acceptance don't go amiss either. 

A food industry that is built on GMOs and corn syrup is not helping us - this starts at the top - and that goes all the way to Washington. 

A health industry that is in cahoots with Big Pharma is also not helping us. 

Drink this Coke, take this pill. 

I complained to my cardiologist about my weight and asked if we could do deeper tests for thyroid etc. 

I said " I can't take being at this weight any more" 

He said (and this is a man who saved my life, who I totally respect) "we could do a lap band for you?)

I about fell off the chair. I was like, first of all, I'm only a size 12. Second of all - REALLY>>> ??? Is that what you tell people who are overweight??? Talk about slapping a bandaid on the problem.  

 

 My personal frustration lies in making all this effort for no visible results. I am so grateful for the non scale victories, but dammit, I want to be thinner. I want to represent the healthy lifestyle that I live, visually. 

 

At the end of the day,  I do firmly believe that we can all be all answer. One by one, we can be strong healthy bodies, in varying sizes, and have proud confidence in the choices we make. We can not buy the Coke, or the Diet Coke, or the GMO corn, or the battery chickens. Every big movement started grassroots. We're doing it. COMPASSION. I say this to myself, about myself. Compassion for ourselves. Compassion for others. Being human is really really hard you guys. Everyone's fighting their own battle.

 

Sadie - SO proud of you. So can relate to that story. 

Laurie - much love for you too. 

Rose, such thoughtful posts as always

Dave - so interesting to hear your perspective, as a person, and as a man

Mik - can't wait til we can get together. They're ordering from Versailles tonight for the late shift. Pork and plantains, fingers crossed. 

 

I'm closing with a quote from Miki " Hugs, Hugs, Hugs to all struggling with body image" 

[wyoinap]

okay, I'm from the june 1st group but have read all the posts during and currently with this group. And what an amazing group you are. I can relate to many of your but mostly CC and Laurie.

 

You all remind me to take the good with the bad but focus on the good. It's comforting to know as a grown woman that others (all normal functioning adults) have "issues" that we are all working on. It's easy for some, a daily minute by minute struggle.

 

I just want to say thanks and appreciate all of your honest posts and support you offer (and unknowingly the support you offer to forum members like me).

[dcducks1]

Deb - I work with a girl who was as big around as she was tall. She was only about 4' 6 and she got the lap band. Wow.......what a difference. I always thought she was attractive in the face....but when the weight fell off...she could have been Shania Twain's twin sister......absolutely gorgeous! The problem with my story is that I ran into her today out at the island......I did a double....no...triple take.....I almost didn't recognize her. She is probably larger than she was before the lap band. The lap band was a physical fix but without the correct eating habits or a mental change on how to take care of herself...she ate herself right back into a worse condition than she started from. Doctor's need to stop offering every solution in a pill or surgery and give the tough love. Start telling patients that you are going to refer them to a nutritionist.....not a surgeon.

 

Wyoinap -  welcome to our mess!

 

Miki - oh how you flatter me.

 

Laurie - thanks for sharing and baring your heart to us. Let your tombstone say " Happy Dirty Thirty Member!

 

Taking my super model wife out to dinner......have a great evening everyone!

 

Dave

[CCLaymon]

So much good stuff, here, it's hard to know where to begin! I love that everyone feels comfortable to be sharing so openly, and that we have built a community of trust and encouragement.

 

Wyoinap - glad you've been joining us here.

 

I loved the reference to the OA meetings. I recently decided to step out of OA - I'd been going for 5 years and have completely changed as a person, but I wasn't finding it encouraging or uplifting any more. My sponsor died very unexpectedly last year and it was just never the same. And, I couldn't get my food in order, so I knew I needed to try something new. Like eating real food. Crazy, right?

 

Here's some good stuff:  Rick and I went for a crazy 10 mile bike ride in the mountains today. It was way over my ability level, and I was so frustrated! But, I took some breaks and turned it into interval training.The last 2 miles were all uphill. Whew. Had to come home and take a nap!

 

Here's my question of the day: Can I continue to eat this way and keep the excitement and freshness about it? 30 days was just good, plain, fun - but forever? Can I put this effort into chopping and cooking?  For today, the answer is yes.

 

I've mentioned before that my mental obsession with food has been lifted, and that is what I try to keep in mind. While I am thinking about food A LOT, I'm not craving, craving, craving all the time. 

 

I've never really been so open about my struggles with food. I've shared my 30 day summary with a few close friends and they really encouraged me to put the good word out there as an encouragement to others. Which feels pretty scary, quite frankly.  I also sent the journal to a coach I had worked with last year. She helped me choose the word "nourish" this year. I wanted her to know I had found some peace.  She was very excited for me and invited me to write a guest post on her blog about my experience.  So, that's something I'm considering.

 

I've been doing a bit of a "cookup" today - trying to make ketchup for the first time, slow roasted tomatoes, Rick grilled up some pork chops for the week and now he's making steak for dinner.  This weekend is mostly about rest for us!

 

Miki - I love the idea of a Whole 30 vacation. Just taking a week to try out of some of the cooking stuff that you aren't loving right now.

 

Sadie - no quitting! I'm so proud of you!!!

 

Higs - I'm loving your Facebook pictures!  

 

I wanted to post some pics, but they won't take. I'll add them later! 

 

LOVE YOU ALL!!

[Geminimik]

Oh MY GOODNESS. I have so much in my head and heart right now; however, I'm forcing myself to go out tonight. I will write later. I will take the time tonight tired or not because you good people, each and everyone of you, have probably done more for me and my journey than anyone in a long time.

 

You guys are truly amazing...even darling dave with the supermodel wife (hello- body image issues...I do love men).

 

m

[MeadowLily]

"The lap band was a physical fix but without the correct eating habits or a mental change on how to take care of herself...she ate herself right back into a worse condition than she started from. Doctor's need to stop offering every solution in a pill or surgery and give the tough love. Start telling patients that you are going to refer them to a nutritionist.....not a surgeon."

[cara123]

I've been reading but everyone had me thinking too much to post :-/

You honesty and commitment have had me thinking about my own past and eating and how it's so much easier at times to be accepting of others rather than yourself.

I was the sort of child that stressed her parents out because of my lack of desire to eat. By my teens my parents would go through stages of thinking I was anorexic, but I was never that skinny, thin yes, but still healthy. I just was never that hungry. It probably was not until my 20's I got an appetite, but as an active person it was never an issue.

When I hit 30 life got a lot more complicated as my life and my ex-partners lives began to be touched by cancer. In our immediate families 1/2 the members had cancer, and in a short space of time my ex lost his brother and dad and life became a constant emotional roller coaster. Deciding the only way on was to move forward, we had 2 beautiful boys (now 9 & 7). But instead of making the most of things life just became more of a roller coaster, the days harder and harder to cope with as I lived in a world where my ex struggled to cope.

It was with my pregnancies that I first gained weight, I started my first pregnancy a thin 52kg (about 114lb and 5'7"). Each pregnancy saw me gain over 30kg (66lb). I was over weight but not huge. But the worst of it was not the weight, it was what it was a symbol of. I had got to a point were I was tip toeing through life, I was always biting my tongue and dreaded social situations as they were often disastrous. I look back and see that time as the zombie years, everyday was a day to get through. Over the last year and a half, about a year and 1/2 after separating I finally lost some of the weight I had gained (I will be never as thin as I was pre-children). I felt in losing my weight that I was gaining myself back, it was not that my weight defines me but being over weight was part of how I was feeling.

Okay I've blubbered too much here, but you have all shared so much I felt it was time to share a bit of me.

As for Whole30, today is gluten re-intro. Feeling good other than sore eyes. Though don't really see that as a result of the gluten .

[Geminimik]

Long but good night here in SoCal. Took a nice long walk along the beach tonight. I thought a lot about all our posts.

 

I tried OA but only lasted 3 meetings and four phone calls with my sponsor. Her style was too tough for me.

 

I know many of us share this horrific burden of not being at peace with our body's display of who we are. Deb, I know what you mean about being so dissatisfied with yourself when everyone else is saying you look so good. I would so love to be a size 4 instead of a 14. I am convinced (much to the shegrin of my counselor) that I would have a much better pool of men to choose from if I was 125 pounds instead of 175. I wonder what I would do with my time if I wasn't always trying to lose weight.

 

I look at all of you and think you are amazing and I'm so grateful we've made strides, but I, like Deb feel that I'm always doing these eating plans, throwing myself into them, but I don't make it work like everyone else, which leads me to believe that until I fix the chatter in my head and stop using food as comfort, no eating plan is going to work for me.

 

All of that said, I made my stinky soup tonight and it was really good. No chick broth, so used water, herbs onions, garlic and salt. added broccoli, cauliflower, onion, cabbage, mushrooms and it is yummy. I cooked it up and mashed it yummy.

 

CC - I often look at you and Dave and think how lucky you are to have mates that adore you.

 

Sleep well. We are making so much progress and I'm grateful our darling Dave sticks with us and contributes such constructive and supportive input.

 

hugs

mix

[MeadowLily]

[Geminimik]

Good Morning Dirty 30's,

 

Meadow - you are right, if we consider our new Deb-inspired fresh cooking an adventure for life, kind of like when we start exercising, we don't do it for 30 days and stop...it stays with the new us. I am definitely more attracted to whole foods, both sight and taste now and that is a huge plus. 

 

I want to continue on the mental part of the journey. It is interesting to me personally how OVERLY happy I was to get my scale back...seriously? It's not been going down particularly since I got it back, but I feel much more secure. Had I lost weight like most of you, I might not feel that way.

 

So, I think to myself, why didn't I lose weight? Well, I did still eat out of boredom, anxiety and unhappiness and happiness (partys, work events etc). I listen to Anthony Robbin a lot and he always says, go to a business lunch, party  or event and just have an ice tea. Stay away from the food tables and truly enjoy the people, the venue, conversation. You'll never have anything in your teeth, etc. I did it once and although it was a little weird in the beginning, once the luncheon got started it was fine!

 

Today is good except we're going driving and one of the stops is Costco...for pizza. I have my "stinky soup" which I adore. will marinate and grill some chicken. May look at a new grill, as mine is falling apart. (I'm a little hard on them I'm afraid.

 

 

My counselor is fond of saying "only speak to yourself as you are a beautiful child", so to myself and all the gorgeous children here today, I say "go out and have fun, frolic in the ocean, have a bowl of colorful fruit with luscious coconut cream...but only till your satisfied because they're is always plenty of abundance for all. You are a perfect creation and you deserve all the best in life. 'You is strong' and 'you is smart', make as many good decisions as you possibly can each and every day and see what a wonderful life you create. Trust your true inner self, not your exterior shell...find your strength."

 

Love to all

MamaMiki

[Geminimik]

Cara, what are sore eyes a result of I wonder. Your story is amazing. I keep feeling that I will "get the meaning of life" and my weight will fall off, or I'll have a "defining moment" and my weight will fall off.  My ex asked for a divorce on October 30th (actually a separation, but I'm not a halfway girl and I had known he was having an affair for a while) and by December 13 I was 50 pounds lighter. Happy as hell, drinking a little to much, but felt I had the world by the ass. Then he finally moved out on Feb 2 and depression, sadness, realization set back in.

 

Then I lost more weight, got healthier and my dearest girlfriend ever (only a five year relationship) started  dying of Pancreatic Cancer, she and my uncle were in the same hospital and passed away within days of each other...but I was strong and moved on (with the help of my old friend who never leaves me - food). What I'm trying to realize is that my old friend is mentally and physically abusive, just like my mother, just like my uncle, just like my ex husband and yet I still chase them for love and approval. Honestly, I would much rather have my own approval, but I need to find it.

 

Then last 24 hours I have a big bowl of radishes in the refrig and each time I open the refig I have a radish. What I want to do is stop going to the refrig. Commercials, I stand in front of the frig, boredom, after a bad date, before a date, when the kids leave, when the kids get home.

 

Sigh.

 

Miki

[dcducks1]

Miki - please don't look at my wife and I, or anyone else and be envious! Envy will get you no where and do nothing but make you depressed about where you are in life. My wife and I have our problems and our disagreements, but we work thru them. My wife and I had NEVER ....EVER had an argument until we had been married for over 13 years.....and boy was it a doozy! Even if we are mad at each other...we always kiss each other goodnight, tell each other we love them...and then she puts rat poison on my toothbrush!

 

I hate to hear of anyone in an abusive relationship...I was so fortunate to grow up with parents that were kind to each other. My father's parents were alcoholics and beat on each other when they drank. My father vowed that he would never hit a woman....and he would never drink hard liquor....ever! He stayed true to those promises. He raised three great men and threatened us occasionally, " If I ever find out you hit a woman......I will kill you!" I don't know if he would have actually killed us, but I'm sure the outcome wouldn't be good. It stuck with us. I also pass on the message to my boys that this type of conduct will never be tolerated......ever....for any reason! Miki - I wish I could be that little devil (the good one) on your shoulder who keeps you in line and helps you fight your eating demons. My wife is all set to come out to California to meet you and Deb........she also said that she wishes she had a 10th of my energy....you guys would have so much fun talking bad about me and adding rat poison to my meals!

 

At dinner last night she asked me about the "Dirty 30" and I started reading some of your posts to her. She wanted to know what we talked about and who you were. She was so impressed by many of you, the demons you battle, the lives you lead, the success that you have found. She was also surprised at the topics we discuss and the "wisdom" that was coming from me........(I am shocked at what I say too sometimes) but she was honestly impressed with many of my posts and how I had responded to issues. We talked about when she told me I was overweight and how much that had hurt me. I told her that I understood why she said it and there were no hard feelings (I put rat poison in her Chardonnay when she went to the bathroom). We enjoyed ourselves....I did drink a Coke which I never do..but I needed to wake up if I was going to be able to mingle with my sis n law and bro n law! We had dinner, and then we went for a cruise ( all of us) along the boardwalk and the breeze, full moon, and company were incredible. What a fantastic night.

 

Mowed the yard this morning and took garbage to the dump. Need to work on a final paper for my Corporate Finance course which is due this Thursday (got a 95 on the midterm...sweet!) Took my middle son to the dump so he could get some more driving practice.....should be a very low key day.....love to all.

 

Dave

[higs]

I love how this conversation has shifted on this new board:  we've made it through our W30 or our two W30's or more, and are grappling now with much bigger questions about our relationship to our bodies and food and how to heal deep pain so we can live the strong, vibrant, healthy lives we all deserve.  I feel we need this forum more than ever (or at least I need all of you more than ever!), because this is the time that the real lasting emotional transformation can begin to take hold.

 

I still don't quite understand my relationship with food.  I didn't previously consider myself an emotional eater and I've never been a big sugar eater, either.  But I certainly have been an over-eater, putting down huge plates of food like I was still a long distance runner even though I had become quite a couch potato with a desk job and 45 minutes of car commute each way instead of riding my bike like I used to.  The pounds packed on fast, and I didn't make the adjustment.  And I didn't adjust because a part of me didn't care, even though I was becoming more and more uncomfortable in my own skin and that discomfort was bleeding over to all aspects of my life.

 

What ultimately got me here to you all is something that I haven't shared with you yet.  My partner of nearly 20 years has struggles with major depression, major anxiety and ptsd.  He has issues eating, sleeping, moderating his emotions, and abusing alcohol, and he has been unable to work for over 10 years.  He is also the most loving, sensitive, smart, incredible person I have ever met, and he is working really hard to heal.  But it is a long, painfully slow process.  I have filled my life as much as possible with things that I love: my animals, my gardens, etc., to keep me going and able to support him.  I am by nature a very positive person, and I try to find joy as much as I can every day.  But even those joyful things around me stopped being enough, and finally I got to the place where I was so completely overwhelmed with my partner's illness and all the financial and emotional responsibility on my shoulders, I began sliding into a dark place as well.

 

It does probably look on the outside like I have a really cool life with all the animals and the bookstore job and the gardens, and I've worked really hard to create that for myself.  But I'm also sad, too socially isolated, intensely private and often lonely, and I'm very frequently desperately overwhelmed.

 

Initially I tried to address my depression by focusing on getting into shape, trying to start running again, working out with a trainer.  Over the last two years, I've suffered injury after injury that sometimes came seemingly out of nowhere, and worked with a succession of physical therapists, chiropractors, sports medicine doctors and so on.  My body was totally betraying me and it was so discouraging.  This winter I gave up on trying to exercise at all, and I simply didn't have the emotional energy to care.  I binge ate Kraft mac & cheese and doctored it by adding more cheese and sour cream.  I packed on a few more pounds and was down to wearing a single pair of the last pants that fit every single day because I refused to buy a bigger pair.  Finally, I started seeing a therapist, and my naturopath recommended an anti-inflammatory diet for my injuries, and I slowly began to take more control over my health.

 

What has been most significant for me with the W30 is an emotional shift where the future is looking bright again.  Food is nourishing me and it's giving me the energy to do those things that bring me joy.  The energy is fueling itself: having this energy is giving me more energy to do the things that energize me.  Yesterday I took an 8 mile hike in a stunningly beautiful place on a very hot day, and I felt strong, fit and amazing.  I want to keep doing this.  I NEED to continue to feel strong.  So what I'm trying to learn now is how to sustain this going forward.

 

I want to respond to each and every one of your posts because you all have shared so much, and made it safe for me to tell my story as well.  Miki, your story made my heart ache for you because what I see you in you is that you are an incredibly caring, generous, loving person and I hurt for you that hurt so much.  You are working so hard, and you will learn to find your own approval.  In the meantime, the Dirty 30 has your back and will hold you up while you find your strength.  You are amazing.

 

Sadie, way to go bypassing that margarita!  You are strong and tenacious.  You reached out when you needed to (I could take a page from that book) and found the internal strength and will to muster on.

 

Rose, you said:  "What I mean is that I want to be more concerned with who I am and what I do than with how I look. I want being a better friend, mother, sister, neighbour, student, leader...not a better bikini body...to be the stuff that keeps me awake at night."  Amen, sister.  (And I hope nothing is keeping you awake at night because sleeping is good!)

 

Laurie, dear Laurie:  I have tears in my eyes reading everyone's posts, too - including yours.  I've been reading a lot about the enteric nervous system and the gut-brain connection, and the gut's potential impact on depression and other mental health issues that so many of us struggle with.  "Who cares?"  I do.  I can bet this whole group does.  You are doing the right stuff and I also know what a long, hard process this is, and I hope you find some relief really soon.

 

Deb, yes, I loved your whole entire post, too.  You are such an inspiration to me.  You have so taken this bull by the horns and are doing so much to improve your health.  Health IS foremost.  But a healthy body image and self acceptance is right up there.  Can't believe your doctor suggested a lap band.  That is shocking.  

 

Wyoinap:  welcome!  Glad you've joined us.

 

CC: I hope you do share your journal.  You and Rick are so motivational:  your partnership, the strong team you two seem to make together, your focus on the positives.  Thank you for that!

 

MeadowLily:  yes, we're at the rubber meets the road part - and like you said, we're rubberbands.  We've got this.  I am so glad to be in this group with you.

 

Cara:  the zombie years really struck a chord for me since that's where I feel I've been for a few years, and I feel myself lifting out of that.  My little sister was diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive uterine cancer two years ago, and I didn't think I had it in me to cope.  In fact it was my sister who set the stage for what she needed:  she surrounded herself with everything positive, with fun and joy and the most amazing attitude, and would not tolerate worry.  Her cancer was caught very early, and she has had a year of clean pet scans, and is thinking about training for a half marathon.  She is hands down my biggest inspiration.  My mother-in-law however also has cancer, hers stage 4 colon cancer, and her way of dealing with it is quite different:  anger, denial, bitterness, lashing out.  I am sure she is very afraid and feels very alone.  My job is to support my partner while he tries to support her, and I can only support him well if I'm taking good care of myself.

 

Dave:  is your MRI tomorrow?  I hope you get good results.  I hope your pain isn't too bad.  I hope you heal quickly.  Thank you, thank you for bringing this group together.  I feel such gratitude towards you.

 

Love to all of you.  

[Geminimik]

Dearest Dave,

 

I love that you share us and you with your wife. Open communication takes so much strength and trust for both parties. I would love to meet your truth-talking, rat-poisoning, nurse ratchet, wife, and I promise to try not to be envious. Marriages work because two people are committed to making them work. When that changes, it is very hard to come back. For me, a lot I had to learn this lifetime could not have been learned inside a marriage. I lose myself inside of relationships...each time I do better, but I always take the subservient role, willingly and right up front (my guys at work find this very hard to believe...lol).

 

Son stayed up to late last night and has a "game hangover". Nor sure when we'll get out. I'm trying to talk myself into just hitting the gym and then letting the rest of the day unfold as it may. I specifically made no plans as I wanted to not be under any pressure. I still get a little "Dave" inside, but I try to relax and remind myself of my counselor's favorite saying.."Miki...could you try to be a human 'being' instead of a human 'doing'? Just BE.

 

OMMMM (That is what I always say in the office during a "spirited debate" it is actually why they created the Operations Manager title at my office and then proceeded to put OM on my door, parking space and anything else connected to me.

[CCLaymon]

I wanted to jump in quick here and ask two questions:

 

1. What is your favorite paleo pad thai recipe? Rick loves pad thai so we'll give it a whirl tonight.

 

2. What tips do you have around eating like this on a realistic budget? I know we're saving $$ by not eating out so much, not drinking diet Coke, (less) adult beverages, etc. But I just tallied up the month and Whoa! I'd like to find a way to do it better. We are also finding ourselves at the grocery store more days than not, so I need to get better at that, too!

 

I look forward to responding to the awesome posts a little later!

[higs]

MeadowLily:  it worked at last!

[MeadowLily]

Beautiful fish...thank you.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm going to see if the avatars are working.   They are.

[Deb.]

Guys, these posts. I am reading them all and literally laughing and crying as I go along.

 

What strikes me as the common chord among all of them is that each and every one of us is striving to be healthier. Each and every one of us is self aware and is making giant steps toward positive change. Amazing. We are an amazing bunch of people. Who knew that we would all find each other like this. And I know, people come and go and ebb and flow but..still. Life is crazy.

 

CC you so inspire me with your energy and exercise habits.  Cannot even imagine a 10 mile bike ride in the mountains, I would have been calling a cab! So great.

I think with cooking (as with many things) its ok to accept that some days you just do the best you can and it might be frozen organic spinach sautéed with some frozen shrimp. Or leftovers reheated in the microwave. Cooking 3 meals a day is a big undertaking for anyone, especially if you work full time. I think organizing and cooking stews etc ahead of time or stuff that you can freeze and defrost for the days that you don’t feel like cooking is really helpful. I also think the value of having sauces and condiments made cannot be underestimated because then all you need is any old protein, but add your fab condiment, and some leaves, and it’s a meal. I don’t want you to burn out on cooking! I really hope you do a guest blog on your coach’s blog. I love coaching, it can create some really big shifts I think. Just saw your new post. Budget is hard. Costco for some stuff, Amazon for cases of coconut milk, can you have a garden? Growing veg. Do they have a CSA in your area? You can order a weekly farmbox of vegetables. In LA the Farmers Market prices are about the same as Whole Foods, but maybe better in your area? I have heard of people buying or sharing whole animals but that depends on freezer space. I haven’t made it but always thought this looked good:

http://theclothesmakethegirl.com/2011/05/08/paleo-pad-thai/

 

Cara very wise words “it was not that my weight defines me but being over weight was part of how I was feeling” Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad that you’re emerging out of the zombie years and into the light.

 

Dave, come visit us! Would so love to meet your wife! AND YOU. It makes me so happy for you that your wife is able to appreciate what you are to us on here. I love that you are sharing all this with her. I love that it opened up the conversation about what brought you here and you made peace around that. Truly it sounds like a beautiful night. I am worried however that you might be addicted to rat poison.

 

Miki, I too suffer from envy of couples who are making marriage work and really support each other through thick and thin. I try to hold on to feeling like, that’s lovely, and I hope that some of that energy floats over to me, but sometimes I feel mad and stompy about it like, how nice for you, someone who helps you with everything, I have to do all of it, it all by myself. I love my own company and actually enjoy many aspects of being single, but when I was sick, it was really really hard not to have that support. Credit to my ex husband for trying his very best to be there for me at that time.  Also like you, I lose myself in relationships and finally just stopped trying to find new ones after so many unsuccessful attempts. And as for this, 'I am convinced (much to the chagrin of my counselor) that I would have a much better pool of men to choose from if I was 125 pounds instead of 175” I agree with you 100%. But we do live in LA. So that’s partly our stuff and partly legit demographic truth    

I will also guarantee that neither you nor I eat “too much”. For whatever reason, our bodies won’t let go of the weight right now, but I don’t think calorie restriction is in any way the solution. Its frustrating.  You will find your own approval. Its coming. We are all doing the work. The message will be received.

 

Higs: your story of partnership is also very touching. What great strength and love that you’ve stuck by your partner through it all, and created a life of things that can support you and bring you joy as well. It feels like there has been a lot of sacrifice but its been worth it. I can understand how being in that caretaker role with someone you love, but who has so much healing to do, could feel very isolating and overwhelming at times. Its very interesting all the injury setbacks you had when you started exercising. I wonder what that was about, on some other level.  To hear you say “I felt strong, fit and amazing” is just fantastic, yes it is that cycle of energy – right? You feel better, you do more fun things, you feel EVEN better. Of course it works in reverse too which is why people have such a hard time climbing out of those holes. The first hill is the hardest to climb. Wow, I’m really talking in cliché’s now    I love the story of your sister and that she “would not tolerate worry” – I can absolutely relate to that.

 

Meadow as always, less is more with you. Love. “This is the part where the flywheel can spin off but it's the most important part of the journey”

 

I have one day off today and then back to it. My stamina is flagging but at this point I feel like that is normal, the stress and hours. Three more days after this then we get a break for more prep, then 5 days of shooting a kids baking show (better because by law the kids can only work for 7 hours a day) and then the worst is over! While I do love doing interviews, being on the emotional ride with people on competition shows can be intense. You are a therapist navigating through joy, tears, failure, pushing them to overcome adversity, as well as trying to get everything you need for post production and all with someone in your ear saying "are you done yet?". On a daily basis we also deal with assorted ridiculous situations like camera men who think its ok to trim their toenails during an interview (I AM NOT KIDDING), missing or corrupt media cards (which is what everything gets shot on, I say hello! I do need something which to record! Just a small thing!) and of course fighting for better/timelier crew meals J The catering guy sighed heavily at me when I politely asked him if he could cut the crust off the pork that had been cooked in soy sauce, I said, I’m just trying to stay alive here my friend. A little slice of work life there! Managed to resist fruitcake yesterday (I love it).

 

Going to get a massage this afternoon, dinner with a friend, otherwise hanging with my poor neglected cat on my neglected couch  

 

Closing with another quote from a wise woman.

“fighting to be light in spirit and body is an honorable quest”

 

Have a great Sunday lovely friends.

[wyoinap]

Dear group,

 

Thank you for opening up your hearts and your life journeys. I'm not ready to share just yet but have been battling "food" as a release for over 20 years. I cannot believe I even wrote that…20+ friggin' years. Ugh. I've won the battle many times and then sunk low and back into. 

 

The whole30 really truly released me from a lot (counting, tracking, etc). Now I just need to work on FOOD not being my source of comfort or release when I have something or anxiety making me uncomfortable.

 

At this very moment I came home from riding bikes with my lovely family. We had gone out to lunch and I had a decent meal of salad, grilled chicken with olives. But I'm still hungry. but i ask myself am i hungry enough to eat broccoli and fish. the answer is NO. But I still want to EAT. Something is giving me anxiety and of course, I want to do what I've always done the in past is eat a crap ton of junk and go purge it. It disgusts me to even write that.

 

So I'm sitting here on the couch and watching tv. Because I need to learn to Sit with these emotions and get through it. Breathe, focus on how far I've come and take it meal by meal. Some weeks are so effortless and one day it all just derails. It amazes me how that happens. I try to live day to day and always picture my future days in a healthy, happy context so I recognize that recovery is very important to me and I fight every damn day for it (in addition to being a wife, mother, working gal, friend, etc). There is so much for me to live for, I just wish my body image issues didn't affect me as much as they do. It sucks-for lack of a better word. Last night I sadly went to bed thinking I wish I struggled with NOT eating than having to be someone who likes to eat. I feel awful thinking that but I'm so sick of the daily mental struggle. I'm enough to those around me, why the he** can't I be enough for myself?

 

Your words do lift me and remind me of all the good I have going for me and also we all have demons we are grappling with. I wish my demon I battle wasn't anxiety and food as my "answer".

[cara123]

Morning all, just a quick post before the kids wake or I will be late for work . At this point no obvious reactions from my gluten re-intro. Having said that I want it to be an occasional food not a regular one.

Miki- I love having my scales back too. I did not get the 'no scale' rule at the time, it irked me. I felt the scales could be such a motivator for me. But for me the truth is I'm a bit fixated on the numbers I see. I become obsessed with reaching a number rather than being comfortable in my own skin and how I'm feeling. I'm trying to let go of that, but not there as of yet ;-).

Dave- you are such a giver, it is inspiring to see.

Higs- I can relate to a lot of what you say. For a long time I felt extremely alone (to be honest still do at times), I tried in many ways to hide how bad things had become with my ex, not wanting to stress my mum (who also has cancer), not wanting to upset the relationship between my ex and his mum (it can be volatile and they needed each other too much, so I was the buffer zone). I did not even reveal things to friends (those who were still present, my ex has alcohol and depression issues too, he is an angry nasty drunk and that is incredibly isolating). So I am so happy you are doing this for yourself, it's so easy to get lost when you are someone's support person. I got to a point where it often felt like I no longer mattered at all. And thank you for sharing a bit about your sisters journey, I think it can be so inspiring to see the positives that can come into people's lives when they face extreme challenges. I love seeing people surrounding themselves with positives and finding happiness in small things.

Cc- I have made the clothesmakethegirl pad thai that Deb linked twice now (with a few amendments due to what I had) and love it. As for making this budget friendly that's a balance I need to find. I certainly need to try a few more mince recipes, and yesterday roasted a whole chicken (something I never do) hoping I can stretch it across numerous meals.

Higs- awesome fish, my boys love there fishing I will have to share your picture when they wake .

Deb- your schedule sounds exhausting, enjoy your massage and dinner, well deserved. I have to admit like you and Miki I too look at happy couples in awe. I question why I never was able to find this and instead my major relationships have always seen me as the support person for partners who always took and never gave. Mind you I also look at really old people and wonder how they made it there too. Reality is as a working single mum I barely have a life let alone relationships. It's a little scary at 44 to think I may be alone for the rest of my life, mind you I would rather be alone than where I was.

Meadowlily- I am loving your words of wisdom, thank you.

Wyoinap- thanks for sharing a bit of yourself today. Take strength in the positive things you do and let go of the slip ups. Just remember to take them as part of the journey but not as a door way to give up.

Laurie- I am moved by all that you have given of yourself. I'm also now picturing you a bit more clearly, with all your energy and what you acheive I had you pinned at being in your twenties .

Okay I need to get up. I'm sounding like a glass 1/2 empty kind of girl today, but I really prefer the 1/2 full version. So sorry if I sound a liitle depressing. I will get up and take pleasure in all the small things today .

[BeaconRick]

We seem to have hit a wall today with energy levels way off. Perhaps the grueling bike ride yesterday did us in. Took a two hour nap which helped a bit but still feeling really flat today. Did manage to do P90X Yoga this afternoon. No Miki, we are not coordinated enough to do yoga on paddle boards... Looks like fun though!

[CCLaymon]

I thought I would share a couple of things related to Rick and I and our relationship.

 

First, Miki and Deb and anyone else - I have been where you have been, in the worst relationships ever. It starts like this: He's nice.       I could really make something out of him. LOL!  I always just saw this potential in others, but could never create it for them.

 

Rick is my 3rd husband - so I've had some practice   Rick is a great role model for being a good partner. I have learned a lot from him about putting a relationship first. If it were up to me, I'd be nose to the grind stone, all work and no play most of the time.

 

The best thing we ever did was work with a relationship coach for 6 months before we got married, and 6 months after. (Our two year anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks!)  She gave us a lot of things to work on. One thing that we have done religiously every Sunday night is have a "Sunday night meeting." In that meeting, we talk about the following things:

 

Physical

Emotional

Mental

Spiritual

Food

Sleep

(We added food and sleep to the list about a year and a half ago)

 

We each have goals around those things, so we report on how it went, what we want to accomplish next week, and we can ask for any help we need. It's also a time to talk about any issues we need to discuss, the schedule for the week ahead, etc.  It's a great way to stay connected and know what's important to the other person.

 

We also read books together, and of course we work together. So it's pretty 24/7 for us.  We get a little breather and chance to miss each other when I'm living in NJ. That helps us appreciate each other, too!  
 

If it sounds like a lot of work, it is. I'm very blessed that Rick saw some potential in me