Dirty 30 "Best Group on W30"


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Deb - We are watching Master Chef tonight and were wondering out loud if you have worked on any of Gordon Ramsey's shows?

Rick, I haven't worked on any of those but my co workers have worked on Hell's Kitchen and have some stories to tell  ^_^

However I did share a waiting room with GR at Cedars Sinai!! I was getting a barium thing and I have no idea what he was doing but we were both in our hospital gowns! I was so surprised to see him that I actually blurted out "you are the last person I expected to see here" It was quite funny. He is more handsome in person, taller than I expected, and smelled of delicious cologne!!

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Wow, you all are an amazing group of wonderful, warm, funny, supportive people.  I can't tell you how much all your kind words have buoyed me all day.  Thank you all!  Except I've had a song stuck in my head all day:  "This little light of mine - I'm gonna let it shine!" As far as earworms go, it's not a bad one.


In my very first post on this forum I said that it is kismet to have happened upon all of you, and I really do think we've all been drawn together.  Very, very cool.  And I'm all in for getting all sloppy with you all with this polyamorous lovefest we have going on.  Heck yeah!  I love you guys.


Miki, when are you coming to Portland?  My brother lives in LA so if I get down there at some point I want to hang out with you and Deb!


MeadowLily, I LOVE the pics!  Especially the brown one.


Quick note tonight.  I just wanted to send some love back out there to you all.

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All your posts made me laugh, smile and feel grateful to be with you.


I'm exhausted, so I won't write much.


Dave I'm working on your theory that it might be the salt. I do eat salt, pickles, sauerkraut...but I seem fine till I add something different, especially nuts. I haven't had broth except the bone broth and not a lot of that (I can't quite bond with it).


Deb, how the heck are we going to earn a living until we find our hunks in MO...


Thai? I think there would be bad oil in everything. I suppose you could ask. I love ground pork larb(?) SALAD. They have a yummy hot seafood soup. It's too late now anyways.


Good Idea about packing a lunch for the picnic, but I think I'm going eat a nice breakfast and then go for the fruit and veggies and hope. I just feel so "yukky" when I'm not part of the gang. Now if I had some hot date like Rick, who packed a lunch with me, then maybe!


Dave...bring yourself and your bride to CA...how fun.


Higs, come visit your brother, you deserve the vacation. I'll check on  Portland...that would be fun.


Night guys,


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Hello Kiddos,

Aw, I hope you west coasters do hang out. I want to be part of the gang too, but vicarious living is nothing new to me so I'm happy to think of you all eating something compliant and laughing uproariously at something rude.

Meadow, are you an artist? You have a compelling aesthetic. I particularly liked the radishes and the beetle, but my like button is being a punk and only works every third try or so. Stupid computer stuff that I don't understand.

Miki, I made compliant pork larb and veggie curry last night. Its not difficult, you just sub a date or two for the sugar (or a squished up roasted pepper-equally sweet, its what I use in spaghetti sauce when its too astringent) and use coconut aminos instead of the soy. If you want I can write up a recipe for you... Thai food is impossible unless you make it yourself because of all the palm sugar and groundnut oil, but that doesn't mean its off our menu. We're kitchen rockstars and nothing is impossible.

Dave. David. What a beautiful love story. I'm not particularly moved by tales of whirlwind romance and magnetic attraction, but a story of a steadfast love that has been tested in the grimmest theatre of all, that truly brought tears to my eyes. I already thought your marriage was a model I could learn from, now I know it is. So happy Kelly is there with you to celebrate 21 years. Lets hope you have another 50 or so of poisoning each other in semi-secret.

Higs, I've been thinking about you so much over the last two days. Your family sounds like an incredible bunch of people that it would be a privilege to know. Nobody's life is perfect, I know you struggle with the weight you carry, but you are such an inspiration to me. I empathise deeply with the difficulty you face in supporting your love, my brother has similar struggles and being there for him without enabling the behaviours that undermine his well-being is an endless and exhausting job, I can't imagine what doing that alone into the wind must be like. I wish I could just stop by and visit you for a cup of tea. I hate to think of you feeling isolated and lonesome, but I suspect that there are many people in your life who would love to be there for you, I cannot imagine it otherwise. Do let people help you dear. You are worthy of all the love and care you so freely give to others.

Deb, you and Miki would surely have the most happening yurt in Missouri. A constant trail of broken hearted men, disappointed that they cannot join your stable, would stream through town, wailing and rending their garments in grief. L.A. is a tough arena for single people. The only place as bad I can imagine is New York, and I've seen that sad scene first-hand. Yikes. I can't believe a doctor suggested a lap band to somebody who takes the care that you do. And at your (insubstantial in relative terms babe, extremely insubstantial) weight? Just goes to show that the medical establishment is very rocky on well-being issues. I thought your photos showed somebody who is truly alive. Who knows the value of every moment and milks it. I think you are gorgeous. You hear me Deb and Miki? Gorgeous.

CC, glad you tried the pad thai and liked it. So funny about your decaf derailment. I could NOT function without at least one cup of coffee every morning, and I scorn decaf. Scorn it I say. I'm going to check out that link you sent and will comment when it is duly processed. Likewise, good suggestion about including sport in the weekly check-in, do you know I actually think that would prove enticing for him? Yeesh.

Wyoinap, I had trouble watching food network for a while but then I decided to view it as televised art. I took in the colours and the lighting and the sensuality of the food and it made it more enjoyable than before. Not that the idea of cinnamon buns can be entirely erased from my mind with a nice shot of a bowl of apples (seriously I don't know how you can be around a baking competition Deb-the smell alone?!), but it does help.

Everything is awesome! Everything is cool when you're part of a team, Everything is awesome, when you're living on a dream,


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Dearest Rose,


I just love the way you write. Have you ever done any creative writing. When someone writes and pictures start popping up in my imagination it so inspires me, and that's what happens when I ready you.


When I saw the picture of Deb frolicking in the ocean, I thought to myself, is she overweight? When I look at Higs or anyone else I think, we are all so active and healthy, we have A LOT TO BE PROUD of.


I was talking to my counselor (MFT with a focus on eating disorders) (of 10 years on and off) about us last night and she said, probably the best OA meeting we'll ever have. There is something about doing it on our own time and being able to speak at the moment we need to speak. Her pearls of wisdom were, Don't worry about how you got here, you're here and that's just where you're supposed to be. Now you carefully and methodically create each step forward. She said everytime my mind chatter says, "I have to have, I'll only have, I already blew it, I have to start over again and then I do the "thing (eat)" I don't want to do I've put another strengthening strand on my errant behavior bridge. My bridge is very, very strong. But every time I say, "I want that, I deserve it, I'm not losing weight anyways" but DON't do it, I weaken the bridge. I have a lot of bridge to undo, but it can be done and during the process the weight will naturally come off, especially if I don't faithfully follow the guidelines of the program. She says the 3 meals are really good for me as it will automatically help curb my mindless eating. She loves no scale, (she would).


I'm going to do what...CC suggested and pack some compliant snacks for the company picnic and try to get back to 3 meals a day - reining it in.


Dave, if this doesn't work, I would like to be adopted by your and Kelly for a week or two, I'll help her with her chores so we'll be ready to pack our compliant lunches and head out on the boat for the weekend....WAHOO. Deb may come too, we're very close these days...except that cooking show would drive me crazy.


I'm writing Rosann today. I wish she would come to this part of the group, I miss her.


Morning to the rest of our tribe...


Let's Get Dirty!



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Miki, the bridge analogy is an interesting one.  What is it a bridge towards?  Maybe Dave has an in on some munitions and could help with the dismantling part a bit.  I've been talking about us with my therapist, too.  She is very proud of the steps I've taken in the last couple of months.  And yes, let's bring back Rosann!!  Tell her we miss her and want to welcome her back with a huge group hug.


Rose my dear, I would welcome you for a cup of tea anytime and would treasure it.  Raising my cup to you right now (except that it's black coffee, which I haven't yet eliminated but am working up to), looking not at a rose but at some gorgeous cut crocosmia from the yard and pondering all you lovely people.  Rose, I am so curious about your life and the student/leader/friend/etc you are in addition to being such a fabulous partner to your OH and mama to your brood.  Thank you again.  Hey and I think Deb's not the only chef in our group by the sounds of your quiet offerings.


Quick entry today or I'll be late for work.  Hugs to you all.

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Whew....Im pulling into the station this morning with........nothing! No energy at all. My oldest was at his girlfriends house last night and called around ten pm to say that he had an allergic reaction to fish. That was an understatment. Kelly and I went to pick him up because he said he didn't feel well enough to drive (good boy). His skin was hot and soooo red it looked as if he was badly sunburned. Everything was swollen including his throat. They had given him some Benadryl which had helped a little but I hauled him to the ER. They gave him an IV around 1am and jabbed an EPI pen into his thigh. They EPI can cause an irregular heart rhythm so they had to monitor him for 2 hours. Dragged my ass into bed around 4am and made it to work by 930. I have to teach tonight so I wont be getting home until around 10pm. Long day. He is much better now, thankfully! Love all of your posts, what a tremendous group of people you all are.

Miki - plenty of room for you and your spouse(Deb) on the boat out here in Maryland. Weekend trips out to Shark's tooth island are the best. If you do move to Missouri, the house is much more comfortable than a yurt. Please put some more thought into my salt theory. My body is very sensitive to salt and pizza (a lot of this problem is also the dough) and chinese food dries me out horribly. Chapped lips, thirst, etc......something to think about.

Rose - let's make a deal.....you keep writing...I will keep reading! Would you be interested in writing my Miki "Tell-All" book?


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You all crack me up. And make me cry. I agree, with Dave, this is a book. Rose will write it.  

Not kidding I had a dream about living in Maryland lol. But it was also filled with murder and violence so I don't know what that was about - maybe the rat poison!! 


Miki please give huge love to Rosann! I can't wait til we are living happily ever after in MO with our new hubs, or in our yurts with Dave and Kelly! I'm so glad your counselor is on board - and should be so proud of everything you're doing. Yes the baking smell is rough but we are in a "video village" trailer outside the stage thankfully (with tons of monitors etc) so I only have to smell it twice a day when we go in to see what they've made up close. Today is gingerbread now that might send me over the edge. 


Rose you rock, kind words. 


Higs, seriously we are all in the West, we need to make it happen!! I might cry when I meet y'all. Miki will it be like online dating when we meet, awkward silences and strained conversation?  :P  :D


Dave, so little sleep, such a good friend and Dad. Rest, rest. 


I want to write more later but I was pondering the weight question (as always) and Its all relative with the weight thing I think. For me 180 lbs is a lot on a 5’4 frame and I think it was Cara who said that it just simply bothered the way she felt. I’m also by a strange and remarkable quirk of fate, astonishingly photogenic. When I did online dating some guys would be visibly disappointed at my in person person. Has anyone here online dated? It is a brutal exercise in maintaining your self confidence. Funny I went looking for photos of me at "happy" weight and was struck by how much older I looked in some of them. Then I went looking for larger pics and of course there are hardly any because I throw them away lol. I do love the expression "you can have your face or your figure" - said with a NYC accent.  But maybe there is a different kind of "happy weight" to be achieved. Something to ponder. I thought I would throw up some more pics. 


From left - at "happy" weight March 2013 (and brunette), 2012 with my friend Spence on the Jersey Shore, New Year, 2012/13 after meditating. Then..with my parents in NZ 2013 (July), with my friend Michelle last Thanksgiving, and best of all, a re-enactment of the infamous ball fall. Now you can never unsee that  :D  :lol:  :P


Can I also say that there is a beautiful person I'm working with on my show right now and instead of calling herself curvy she calls herself fluffy and embraces all her fluffiness. She's one of the most gorgeous happy spirits I've ever met and definitely at peace in her body.  I want to take the good out of that and carry it with me. 


PS I wear the cruel Spanx every single day.







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Darling Deb,


Love all your pictures. I do feel and feel I look so much better at 160 than 175....150 is amazing...140 where I belong...who the heck knows (I'm 5'3"). I get the term fluffy, but not in the mood to embrace my fluffy. It's funny how much kinder we are to others than we are to ourselves, huh?


DAVE - goodness, I'm fretting for you. PLEASE< PLEASE take care of yourself. So sorry to hear about your son. It's so much more stressful when our kids are sick, isn't it? Eat well, drink lots of liquid.

I am a little sensitive to salt, but the Vitiligo is an autoimmune condition where the body becomes afraid of it's own pigment and attacks it. where the pigment is lost becomes highly sensitive, horrible itching etc. The whole 30 is one of the few programs that claims to have any affect on that. I need to find a way to follow the whole 30 without gaining weight. I'm actually up 5 pounds or so, since I first started trying in May. Any program has the tendency to make me compulsive about food. I actually do better (weight wise when I listen to my body (not my head), eat when hungry and exercise a fair amount.


My biggest weight losses have been doing it that way, but it takes a few days to get into the swing.


I think I'm going to try getting fully back on the bandwagon with the whole 30 etc, no scale...the only difference will be I will try 4 or 5 meals, ONLY WHEN HUNGRY and only till satisfied, not with the edict to eat enough food for 5 hours, because that causes me anxiety and then I still end up snacking and 8to10pm stuffing. Hoping that will work for me.


AUGUST 3rd - I have to attend a wedding shower for a "shared" friend (from my married days). My ex will be there (we get along fine now) with the woman he had the affair with and subsequently married 6 months after our divorce. Did I ever tell you she is 4' 11, size DDD fake tatas 98 pound workout queen? No issues here. She wears 4 inch heels and is 5 years older than me. I'm trying to let that go, but it will be a tough day for me. I just want to feel a little better about my weight by then...Afternoon bbq, sundresses, etc...sigh.


Okay, enough feeling sorry for myself, it's only a couple of hours and it is only what I believe it is.



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Sorry, I think I stopped my story before the end. The bridge is between my thought food impulses and actually doing them. So I think, "I'm starving - I need some grapefruit" I answer "no, you're not hungry, you're just frustrated and want to chew" then I say "it's grapefruit, that's healthy" If I eat it...I strengthen the bridge, if I don't I weaken the "impulse bridge" I have to undo every neuro connector (?) in my brain, so my brain knows that I don't do that. I swim, do yoga, wear sundresses to backyard bbqs, I don't listen to the voices in my head. 


When my head thinks DONUTS ON THE COUNTER and I answer back, you don't want that and then I don't have that, I've broken another strand. Every time each of us chooses compliant over noncompliant, makes pinecone mayo or walks a goat instead of sitting at the potato chip bowl, we weaken the bridge that leads to sadness.

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Deb you beaut! Loving you even more for the ballfall reenactment. My motto has always been [email protected]#k em if they can't take a joke, and that most particularly relates to maintaining a sense of humour and proportion about ourselves. You are the living embodiment of that. So awesome. 

Dave, get some rest tonight, you can probably invent a perpetual motion device and cure all disease tomorrow instead of today. Glad that boy is ok. And I'd be happy to pen the mikiminimouse story, however there is a clause in my contract requiring a happy ending.

Miki, you're doing what you have to do to keep right. That's enough for today. Forget the ex and his choices, sounds like he wasn't your best choice anyway. 

Be well dears,


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Rose - any Happy Ending that Miki/Mini gets is up to her......I'm not going to pay for a prostitute .....well...actually that might be a great chapter in the book........something with grapefruit I'm thinking.

Deb - you look great and your fun personality comes thru in your photos. I can see why you and Miki are so fond of each other....both beautiful, caring, and loving people. If you had a dream about Maryland and it had murder in it...you must live pretty close to DC or Baltimore....did you have lots of ridiculous taxes too?

I think I have an aneurism......I keep seeing words....in words.....that arent there. Example - when I read Miki's post above about DONUTS ON THE COUNTER...I read DO'IN IT ON THE COUNTER and had to read it again. Then I went out for lunch and when I saw a GMC TERRAIN......I thought it was a new model called the TERRAPIN. I mkust be really tired or working a blood clot thru my melon.......ugh!


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I so get the bridge analogy with the intent of weakening it (or destroying it for me) by stopping the same thoughts that keep it erect time and time again.


Yesterday, gawd  I battled some serious binge thoughts even though I ate to fullness and satisfaction. I did what I've practiced the past few days and just sat with the thoughts (read, watched tv, etc). It's the Full feeling that makes me want to purge. It's just an uncomfortable feeling for me when I'm dealing with anxiety. My anxiety is what many of you deal with everyday but I deal with differently. Turning to binging and purging for many years was my way of dealing with emotional release.


I grew up in strict environment, was very shy, didn't have confidence in my appearance and was socially isolated for looking different. yes I was called fat, etc. You'd think I'd get over it but for so many years I had nobody to talk to, nobody to confide in. It was awful. I think when you form a habit of dealing with anything stressing you out, it takes over. Soon it became about being thin and pretty. so couple an inability to deal with emotional issues or having someone to talk to and then throw in self image improvement, I unwillingly created a horrific storm for myself in my 20's that led me here to today in my 40's. While I've had on/off years and then times where I was simply out of control because of all the anxiety…I am truly reeducating myself on all this.


Several years ago, I took on the mantra I want to FIT and Healthy. Yes, I exercise regularly but I was now doing it for a purpose (a release, setting goals of half marathons, etc). This allowed me to view food as fuel which was a turning point for me in terms of eating good, nutritious food. As i've gotten stronger, I don't want to mess too much with my eating because I won't have the strength and energy to do my runs, walks, or whatever i'm doing on any given day. I also know i'm was getting my health, organs, etc back in order.


For a year or so, I saw my patterns of exercising being great. I never exceeded an hour but I began to notice if I didn't get a release, I was an anxiety filled mess. So in some ways, I did remove the purging but I replaced with something I needed to do every day. Mind you, every day was not intense. Nor did you catch me working out at midnight. Basically I like doing a workout in the morning first thing. It starts my day off right (similar to showering, brushing your teeth etc). I still do this to this day except I cut out running 5 days a week to 3 and only do short runs. The other days I do group classes (i do not engage in cross fit or anything remotely close to that)


The whole30 way of eating has been amazing. I get to EAT! I love to eat good food and not think twice about it. 


So my I have two goals:


1. to get with my recovery. I am nearing what would have been 2 years without binging/purging. I made it to 15months last year. I intend to make it longer but know I have to do more "mental" work this time. Mental meaning learning to deal with anxiety and not let that lead me to binge/purge. 


2. After I get a handle on the emotional stuff, I think I need a good 3-4 weeks, I'm going to work on the food part. I think I will always eat along these lines but just no scrutinize ingredients when I go out. However, I want to reintro some foods. before the whole 30 a few months ago, I ate dark chocolate or coconut ice cream every night (i was carb loading for runs). Now that I'm not using sugar for energy and relying on fat, I want to still be able to freely (mentally) enjoy these foods.


I look at my family and friends and I just want to be "normal" like emotionally around food. If I'm in a good place mentally (which is most days), I'm fine. But if something even remotely small is gnawing at my insides, I'm a sugar, binge craving lunatic. 


I've got to get control of the mental part now. I'm always working on it but I know i'm almost there as I'm slowly peeling back layers and learning to feel the discomfort of things because there will always be ups and downs in life. So when I say I'm sitting on it…I mean i'm sitting on the fullness of the meal and holding the emotions in but dealing with them. Purging the food will give relief BUT for a second. I will only fill back the emotional turmoil ten fold because now i'm still dealing with the damn issues bugging me but also the GUILT of going back to square one.


I value my health, i value my life, i value my family and i know the powers above have been looking out for me so I have no choice but to press on and know I am getting there inch by inch.

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Well geez Meadow - since you made it sound so appealing....now I want some pizza! Have you ever seen the guy who did the study on McDonalds french fries and chicken nuggets? He put them on a plate and set it on top of his refrigerator and would occasionally take a photo of the food........after years....it had not changed.....and NOTHING ate it! Pretty gross

Wyoinap - you sound like you have been wrestling with some demons for quite awhile. I'm glad that you have a handle on them and a game plan to move forward. Stay strong!


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Morning all. Love reading and checking in with you all. Even when I'm not posting I'm certainly following.

Today is my legumes reintro. Some peanut butter, some peanuts and have to think of something to grab from the supermarket between work and picking the kids up from cubs as my dinner legumes.

Just a thought, but I believe there is not a standard bench mark weight we should all aim for. Some of us look our best when we are not at our thinnest, but a happy healthy weight. Being thin, is not being beautiful. We should aim for healthy and feeling good in our skin and forget the stereotype of beauty that the media and popular culture feeds us.

( PS. to Miki I don't get fake boobs, except when there a medical reasons for reconstruction, I just can't understand how seeing your body forced into a shape that is not real can make you feel good- and this is coming from someone in a b cup ;-). I wish I could share with you my mental picture of your husbands new wife, it's a doozy, beauty radiates from within and you Miki radiate an immense amount of beauty! ).

Sorry for the lack of personals, but if I'm going to be at work on time and cook breakfast....

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Miki - I love your new picture! I do not envy your party, but I know you'll make it through like a trooper. Remind us on the 3rd so we can support you, ok?


Deb - I laughed at your "falling off the ball" picture - hilarious! No spanx for me - stop the insanity!


Rose - I so enjoy reading your posts. :) Rick and I read the forums together first thing in the morning and always look forward to your post.


Dave - I was laughing about your donuts on the counter post. That made my day!


Wyoinap - I resonate with so much of what you're saying. I do try to get some exercise every day because it helps me calm my anxiety. It's interesting that I was dealing with some challenging emotions today, and my first thought was "What can I eat to make me feel better?" I just don't think "normal" people think that way. I found that getting my food in order helped my with the mental/emotional side.


I thought maybe it would be helpful for us to post a little about what is working for us now so that we can learn from each other.


I have 3 meals a day, sometimes an afternoon snack, and often a serving of fruit around 8pm.  I don't weigh or measure, I make sure I eat lots of veg at every meal, even when I don't feel like it. When I snack I try to eat something like vegetables and a hard boiled egg.  I've tried Lara bars 2 times since passing 30 days. They taste great, but they are not filling for me. I'd like to eat 4. So I think they are out.  When I'm eating dinner and I start feeling full, I eat a few bites more.


Nighttime is the hardest for me, so I've started crafting again. I'm finishing a big project tonight and I'll post a picture later. I've also taken up quilting and knitting. I try to keep my hands busy so they are not putting food in my mouth. I know it's easier for me that I have Rick on board with me. When I'm alone I can really do some damage.


I'm wondering what everyone else is doing right now that is helping them to make good food/healthy lifestyle choices?

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Your musical selection for "booting shaking" is from Ryan Adams titled "Gimme Something Good!" It is a slower song that I can kind of relate to those of us who don't feel perfect, that feel like we need something else for happiness. Either I'm really reading something into this song or I am waaaaayyyyyy beyond exhausted. Just finished teaching for the night and I AM DONE!


CC - you shouldn't laugh at my reading disabilities......it is a serious matter. It's not my fault that I have the ability to take a normal sentence and turn it into something dirty........some might call this a curse. I wonder if there is some kind of charity for my condition.......maybe I could get some kind of research grant. When I re-read my last sentence I saw, " I wonder about chastity belts for coeds........."....this is serious.


Cara - fake boobs are not my thing either. I was never big into strip clubs when I was in the service even though that was the thing that everyone wanted to do once they got overseas......my motto was, "If you seen one...you've seen them both! Real is soooo much more important to me (not just breasts)....but everything...fingernails, hair, eyelashes, teeth, leg, eye, kidney, .......everything needs to be authentic.......especially the personality. Fake is not my thing. 



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