Dirty 30 "Best Group on W30"

[Geminimik]

Meadowlily, Sorry about your 6'5" virus, many of us get those.Why are mother's always right, really? But in our defense, it's really hard to not love who we love.

 

The new wife

 

I just need to stop renting space to the two of them in my head. I wouldn't want to be married to him and in fact I didn't want to be for quite some time, which I'm sure was contributing to his need to find acceptance elsewhere.

 

Anyways, that was 10 years ago, seriously...I need to get over it...(50 pounds would go a long way toward that).

 

CC - as far as what I'm doing, I don't think I'm a good example. I'm very erratic. i do have my pot of soup (veggies & shrimp) which helps a lot.

 

Hey, did someone say they found compliant Taro chips at Whole foods? I found some but they had canola oil but none made with olive oil.

 

I need to get back on the bandwagon full speed. Today was a good day. I was very aware of what I was doing. I realized that everytime I get up from my desk I think about food. Everytime I get up at home I head to the kitchen & refrig to look and think. I thought about the M&M Jar at least 10 times today. I thought about fast food on the way home, Taco bell, then donuts, then jalapeno cheese bread. Made it home safely, got my soup and my son walked in with Chic fil A for he and his brother, but his brother wasn't home so he offered it to me. I said no and now it's sitting in the refrig. It said hello when I went to get my stinky soup refill. I don't know that I'm still hungry, but I know I'm not full. Anyways I weakened my bridge today for sure. by identifying the thought and marking down that I didn't follow through. I got about 30 marks today. It's the same thing I've been doing, I'm just making sure my conscious is aware of my GREAT behavior.

 

Dave, I love the way you read!

 

Okay...keep up the great work gang.

 

Doin it on the counter!

 

m

[Geminimik]

Debs, How you doing tonight?

[Laurie]

I just typed a post and lost it.  I hate that.

 

I am following along with all of you everyday.  I'm overwhelmed by such beautiful posts.  I love how everyone expresses themselves.

 

I know a few people have posted that they thought I was younger.  I recently posted that I am going to be 51.  Sometimes I think that I act too young for my age or maybe it's just that I don't feel my age. I believe it has to do with my depression and eating disorder, and losing so much of my life to those issues.  I have isolated much to much over the years.  I often wanted to and needed to be alone (except for my feline children; they always made me happy).  I want to change.  I want to live life.  With my boyfriend being so sick, I had no option but to make some changes so that I could be there for him.  Unfortunately, it look a life threatening illness for me to "wake up" and experience more of life.  I always felt that I had no purpose in life.  Now I have the ultimate purpose - to help someone I love dearly survive.

 

I want to share a little bit more about my boyfriend. Steve is my best friend.  When I'm with him I feel safe - I feel right with him.  I can tell him anything.  I know he will not judge me or look down on me and one very important factor - He knows how to love me and treat me with respect.  Steve is my precious gift and my heart will forever belong to him.  We have only been dating about 9 months.  I met him several years ago (online dating).  We dated for a short time but I just wasn't that interested - it may have been that the time wasn't right for me.  Over the years, we remained friends on and off.  When we started seeing each other again, we already had a good friendship as the base.  He was having some medical issues when we started dating and was undergo testing but the hematologist could not figure out the cause. Steve was referred to a specialist at the Univ of Miami Hospital (this is where he will have the transplant), and that's when the battle for his life began.   We also went to Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa, Florida and the hematologist there confirmed diagnosis and treatment.  The disease Steve has is myelofibrosis which is a rare disease of the bone marrow.  Myelofibrosis progresses to acute myeloid leukemia, and when this happens treatment is the same (chemo and bone  marrow transplant) but survival is not good  We were told by the doctors at Moffitt that survival at that point could be 2 1/2 months. 

 

 

Higs - so impressed by you in so many ways. I really appreciated your post on your devotion to your partner.

 

CC - thanks for being so honest about your struggle with your eating disorder and the methods you are using to heal yourself.  I am also continuing on with W30 but I have never done it the "right" way, as in by all the rules.  I  keep saying that I need to do it better but that has not happened yet.

 

I need to write to all of you individually.  You all mean so much to me.

 

For all those with self esteem issues and not feeling good enough - I once told my psychiatrist (see him for med management) that I never feel good enough.  His response "you are good enough, just because you are Laurie".  I always think about his words.  I hope each and every one of you can find some joy in your own uniqueness.

[theheywhohaa]

Good morning all,

Before I launch into any tirades (I'm not necessarily planning to do so, but sometimes they wash over me and I get swept up) I must say: you are all people of such substance. Every layer reveals something more interesting than the one before. I am enraptured.

CC, I have to admit I am struggling with my sugar problem at the moment. I've done reintros for dairy, non-gluten grains, and legumes without incident. I don't particularly feel the need to include these foods on a regular basis, however, but have realised that I am living with a sticky monkey on my back. No, I haven't given it rein yet, I've only had a couple of paleo desserts and haven't actually offroaded at all, BUT I want to. SO very badly. Yesterday I ate a square of dark chocolate and it gave me a headache and I woke up in the middle of the night with a dry throat. Restless night after that. I do think it was that small amount of chocolate. I also think it is of concern that this makes me feel a kind of tiny grief inside, and that my subconscious wants to deny the link between this old friend and the physical discomfort-albeit mild- it has caused me. Why are we so emotionally dependent on the particular chemical reaction of certain foods? Higs, I need to hear more about what you have learned in your reading on the gut-mind connection. I would like to understand better. When I was learning to drive stick I became very annoyed with the (mandatory) instructor because she would never give me a reason for any of the things she told me to do. Just barked instructions. I need to understand why and how before I can fully intellectually digest new information.

I have made some major changes that are helping us all to be healthier around here though. I have stopped giving in to the children at the store and buying candy to mollify them, instead I buy a punnet of fresh fruit or a small container of bubbles (not every time, I'm not a sap and I am good with just saying nope.) And I have explained that we do not need to eat candy. Our bodies don't like it and we have to be kind to our bodies. A little bit is fine, but that is enough. They have accepted this amazingly well and I am proud of them. I baked my teenager her favourite cookies (with some substitutions) and put them in the freezer so she can take one when she wants but they aren't in my face on the counter.  

Miki, I'd rather be doin' it on the counter than eating the doughnuts, but that's just me. Deep fried stuff isn't my bag, but if you coat that shizzle in some nasty sugar, alchemy occurs.

As for that sugar thing, I think it is my personal mountain to climb. With my family history of diabetes and dementia I cannot afford to sweep it under the rug and excuse it as an acceptable indulgence in light of my otherwise healthy life. Its not enough. Meadow is right, some of us have to tough love on ourselves steadily until the message is received. I've got my own bridge to dismantle there.

Cara, that was a very interesting contribution today. I agree about cosmetic surgery. What I find truly ickety about it is how otherworldly it makes people look. Nobody looks younger after a facelift or some injectables, just stranger. And those plasticky mammalian protuberances are so...I don't have a word. I'm a flat-chested woman, but that's how my body was made and I'm actually ok with that. I remember my horror after having my daughter at the way guys stared at my bulging chest. I wanted to poke them in the eye (not with a boob, with a stick). So that's interesting, because I don't think many of us really want to look like the images we are sold, but rather like the best version of ourselves. Nothing weirder than somebody who deliberately has surgery to make them look like somebody or something else. It makes my skin crawl. And I feel the most compelling sadness for transgender people, who feel they must endure terrible surgical intervention just to be at home in the body they are lumbered with. Whenever a friend complains about the size of a nose or the sagginess of a boob I think of teenage kids saving to have their genitals redesigned and I give my friend a look intended to create discomfort.

I am beginning to see a kind of causal chain around here...abusive scenarios in childhood-bad relationships-self-loathing and a sense that bad treatment is deserved-food issues-control issues... there is a running theme, isn't there? If I could summarise it I would say that there is an element of subjugating feelings of not ever being good enough no matter how hard we try. That's sad. I am sad for all of us that we each seem to have internalised this same cruel message. But here we all are, distributing new, good information and helping each other out of the dust. So that makes me happy, like a cartoon character but without the head-to-body-ratio problems.

Love to you all, and much better tomorrows.

Rose

PS I am not hating on people who choose cosmetic surgery to address the ineffable feeling of outside inside mismatch. I just think it looks kinda weird and wish medical practitioners would practice with integrity and a sense of what is best for the individual. Medicine should not be a business that views the body as a retail outlet.

[Laurie]

Rose - I know I've said this before but you have the most amazing talent for writing.  Your beauty is so elegantly expressed in your words.  Can I be you when I grow up?  I guess the answer is I must just be happy with who I am - since that is what this whole process is about.

[theheywhohaa]

Laur,

You're already the best thing you can be: Laurie. Wouldn't have it any other way.

R

[wyoinap]

CC, you are right.

Let's move to what we have been working on to help us each day or moment.

 

Morning exercise

 

3 large meals a day (no snacks for now) every 5 hours usually. I love vegetables so honestly I have to hold back on eating more. I'm learning I can enjoy them in abudundance but there is a thing as eating too many in one sitting.

 

I'm working on adding snacks but for now may add large cup of tea with coconut milk if necessary. I'm not comfortable with this yet. and the steamed fish + broccoli test is a great gage for me when I get "antsy".

 

I have not reintro'd much new stuff (I've been grain free for a number of years now sans a wedding/birthday cake taste here and there)

 

Staying busy and doing things that feel purposeful to me. caring for family, cooking, friends, work, etc.

Like CC said, food is the thing my mind races to in any down time or dire situations. keeping mind and hands busy is helpful.

 

 

 

 

[CCLaymon]

A couple of comments before we head out for the day:

 

Miki - it's interesting how you see the new wife. First, she looks much older than you. Second, I am a big Harry Potter fan, and I thought she reminds me of Madame Hooch, the broomstick flying instructor. Picture attached.    

 

I shared previously about what is working for me, only because I think I'm having less mental obsession than some of you are battling with, and much less than I've ever experienced in my life. I don't attribute it to perfection in the sense of the "no snacks, less fruit" goals, but I think I'm following the what's allowed/not allowed rules pretty strictly and I'm guessing that is what helps. I also know that I'm in the "honeymoon" phase of this way of eating and don't expect it to be this easy forever.

 

One last resource for the day. Whether you are battling an eating disorder or not, this book was a game changer for me:  A Life Without Ed 

 

The therapist, Thom Rutledge is a genius in my book. This is a short and easy read. He likens your eating issues to an abusive partner (that today we would never put up with.) There are some genius tools here. I went to a retreat with him last year - it was part of my COURAGE word for last year. I can't recommend it enough.

 

Wishing everyone an easy day.

[Laurie]

CC - I love the book A Life Without Ed.  I also read Jenni Schaefer's second book Goodbye Ed, Hello Me.  These books are incredible and I hope everyone here will read them.  It really opens your eyes and gives you a wonderful perspective on viewing Ed.  Thom Rutledge seems like an amazing therapist.  The retreat must have been a life changing experience. 

[dcducks1]

Miki - REALLY? SHE was the consolation (booby) prize? I am not impressed....at all. She looks much older than you and she's a "turn-around Grandma" girl. That's someone who dresses trendy, has a youthful hair style but when they TURN AROUND..................SURPRISE...............it's grandma! As far as her "accessories" that were added......maybe she is aquaphobic and wanted permanent life preservers....I am not impressed. He can have her...we will keep our Miki/Mini!

Rose - I too am against the unnecessary plastic surgery that is all the craze. Just age! Be who you are and age naturally. I don't watch soap operas but an actress who I thought was absolutely stunning (my wife agreed) was Hunter Tylo. WOW! And then, she goes and gets plastic surgery and she looks horrible.......completely horrible. Her face could have burned off and been reconstructed and it would have came out better. WHY? Why would you do this to yourself? You think WE have some demons? WE have nothing compared to someone who did THAT to themselves. The before and after pics are crazy. She went from flawless to "hey.....did your face get stung by bees"?

Laurie - be as young as you feel....and if you have to lie about your age.....tell people you are older than you are. I tell people I am 61 even though I am 47.....they are AMAZED at how good I look for my age.

Meadow - thanks for the well wishes and prayers...I got all of them!

Cara - I agree about the "perfect weight"! If I look up my Body Mass Index and calculate my weight and height (5'10, 216 pounds) I am classified as "Obese"! I don't feel obese....I don't look obese. To get to my "normal" weight...the weight I SHOULD be at.......(keep in mind I have already lost almost 40 pounds)...I would need to lose and additional 58 pounds. I would need to lose a total of 98 pounds to be normal. The problem with this (other than losing 98 pounds) is I look AMAZING at 195. At 195 pounds (I will get there because I have been there before)I am fit, I am healthy, I am fast, I can run, jump, fly, pole dance, EVERYTHING! And yet...this would still put me at the upper end of the OVERWEIGHT scale. This is why I believe the BMI scale is bullshit! Find what works for you...the weight which allows you to do the things you like to do...without pain.....without heavy breathing, sweating, agony, embarrassment....and GET THERE!

Dave

[higs]

All:  just spun out last night because I came home in a great mood, feeling fabulous, then discovered one of my goats was dead in the back of the field.  Totally panicking, don't want what caused it, the other goats are freaked out, I'm not sure if it's something contagious and the vets office is closed.  So:  if I step outside myself for just a moment to observe, I see:  my own self doubts and self blame are trompling over everything.  I am so obsessed with what I could have possibly done wrong that I can't let myself feel sad about poor sweet one-horned Oliver.  I'm spinning and spinning about what to do with the other two goats who are so scared they won't eat.  I was up most of the night angsting.  And mostly I am pummeling myself and I am cruel!  I am trying to tell myself to be gentle and patient and I'll find out soon what the vet says (hoping they can come out today) and then go from there.  But in the meantime I'm despondent, and I am quite mean to myself.  Now there's an inner demon.

 

I did not go to food in all of this.  I was way too upset to eat.  Having a mental image of a dead goat burned into my brain didn't help either.  Appetite: zilch.

 

I'm also upset because I'm slated to leave tomorrow for a 32 year reunion of many old friends from the Boise punk rock scene of the '80's, if you can picture that such a thing existed and was thriving!  I was getting so, so excited for it. Now I'm not sure if I can attend, depending on what needs to happen with the goat situation.  I will be devastated to sit out this reunion (funny that even a few weeks ago I was on the fence about going at all) so I'm trying to problem solve ways that the goats can be well-tended while I go play (my partner is not involved with animal care and while he will help on occasion, administering medications to sick goats isn't something I would saddle him with).  This also makes me feel evilly selfish, so I'm beating myself up about that, too.

 

I want to reply to so many of your posts but it will probably be later.

[theheywhohaa]

Oh higs I'm so sorry. Hope you get some answers soon and that you can attend your punk rock reunion. More later.

[MeadowLily]

All:  just spun out last night because I came home in a great mood, feeling fabulous, then discovered one of my goats was dead in the back of the field.  Totally panicking, don't want what caused it, the other goats are freaked out, I'm not sure if it's something contagious and the vets office is closed.  So:  if I step outside myself for just a moment to observe, I see:  my own self doubts and self blame are trompling over everything.  I am so obsessed with what I could have possibly done wrong that I can't let myself feel sad about poor sweet one-horned Oliver.  I'm spinning and spinning about what to do with the other two goats who are so scared they won't eat.  I was up most of the night angsting.  And mostly I am pummeling myself and I am cruel!  I am trying to tell myself to be gentle and patient and I'll find out soon what the vet says (hoping they can come out today) and then go from there.  But in the meantime I'm despondent, and I am quite mean to myself.  Now there's an inner demon.

 

I did not go to food in all of this.  I was way too upset to eat.  Having a mental image of a dead goat burned into my brain didn't help either.  Appetite: zilch.

 

I'm also upset because I'm slated to leave tomorrow for a 32 year reunion of many old friends from the Boise punk rock scene of the '80's, if you can picture that such a thing existed and was thriving!  I was getting so, so excited for it. Now I'm not sure if I can attend, depending on what needs to happen with the goat situation.  I will be devastated to sit out this reunion (funny that even a few weeks ago I was on the fence about going at all) so I'm trying to problem solve ways that the goats can be well-tended while I go play (my partner is not involved with animal care and while he will help on occasion, administering medications to sick goats isn't something I would saddle him with).  This also makes me feel evilly selfish, so I'm beating myself up about that, too.

 

I want to reply to so many of your posts but it will probably be later.

  The only thing he can think of is moldy hay.    

[dcducks1]

Higs - deep breaths dear! The other goats are probably feeling your angst so try to calm yourself and they will follow. So sorry to hear about Oliver. I assume that he was healthy since this comes as a surprise to you. I also assume that no predators were involved. Try to keep calm....this will all explain itself in time. Hope the vet can give you some answers soon.

Dave

[MeadowLily]

Mothers have our best interests at heart.  

[MeadowLily]

Higs -  I like your intro log for good ideas and how this phase works.  It's the best.

[Deb.]

Higs, so sad about your goat. 

Mik, the new wife, omgggggggggg

 

Love you all and will write tonight. xoxoxo

[Geminimik]

Higs, my heart goes out to you over the loss of your goat. You know how fond I am of those darling creatures. I just listened to an amazing book called the untethered soul, but the would have you remember that you are observing your ego involved in angst and blame. You are not that. You are the wonderful soul who gave the goats a fine home and love. If "something went wrong" then it went wrong...period.

 

I will send you lots of love and light. I hope you go to your reunion!

 

Deb...hang in there.

 

Meadow, I love the way you're leading your life, that is where I am heading, watch for me in the land of sanity.

 

I don't think I've had a food thought today...nothing I could make a mental note about, isn't that interesting.

[MeadowLily]

" watch for me in the land of sanity."    You're already there.  

[MeadowLily]

"I don't think I've had a food thought today.. 

[cara123]

So much to read and so much to say but it will have to wait until tonight. I just had to send my thoughts from across the pacific to you Higs. Take care and try and let go of the blame game xox

[higs]

Hi everyone,

 

thank you all so much, it really helps to hear your kind words.  After a very rough night having worked myself into a state, I was finally able to calm down and just be sad about my goat.  Having the vet here helped.  My two girl goats are fine and in good health, and their fecal came back negative, and I didn't f*** anything up.  I am not a bad steward to my herd after all.  I am just fine.  But Oliver's death is a mystery.  Meadow, good thought about the hay.  It's good stuff, I recently bought it and it's very fresh and dry.  Could have been a urinary blockage that happens to wethers sometimes though I didn't see any signs of it. 

 

A very good friend is coming over the help get Oliver out of the pasture.  This, a 150 lb goat in 95 degree weather.  Friends don't get any better than that.

 

And, because today is gluten re-intro day, I am having one very cold beer, and toasting my dear sweetie pie Oliver.

 

Love you guys.

[MeadowLily]

We love you, too.   We're sorry for your loss.

[Geminimik]

Cheers Higs,

 

Night gang.

[theheywhohaa]

Good morning to you all,

Aw Higs, I'm glad you got some information that allowed you to stop self-flagellating about poor little Oliver. I was rather worried about you and what you were doing to yourself over there, but I needn't have been because look at the flood of support and care you received from reaching out. See? People love you and want to be there for you. Because you are a wonderful, kind-hearted person who can invest as much love in a little one-horned beastie as she does in every other aspect of her life. Everyone who knows you is fortunate. And goats are so lovable, I'm sorry you lost him. Grief is grief, we simplify its context too much in this society. If you love and you lose it is agonising. My heart goes out to you today.I do hope you get to your reunion, but its understandable if you don't feel up to going. My poor dear friend.

 

I got some sad news yesterday, an old friend of my brother's (who I haven't seen in probably ten years) died. Seems he had been very sick with stomach cancer for the last year. My poor old brother is in a bit of a state, they had fallen out over the friend's inability to stop waving booze and drugs around in front of my bro. He's beating himself up about not visiting during the illness and not making things right (as he sees it, I think avoiding somebody because they push you toward self-destructive shit is actually doing the right thing, but I understand). The truth is, life will never stop handing out shit sandwiches for us to eat, the only way to deal is to strengthen our stomachs and not eat it alone, like Dave's mother-in-law so wisely suggests.

 

I'm in a ruminative frame of mind. Thinking about choices, thinking about happenstance, thinking about how we make ourselves out of the cloth of our actions. Thinking about my own personal strategy for contentment: don't count the things you do not have, treasure the things that are yours. Going to call my brother and check on funeral arrangements, because the least we can do at the end of a life is acknowledge that it happened and it mattered.

Love to you all, from somebody strange who loves you,

Rose