Advice on breaking emotional connections to food/habits?

[April]

I'm on day 15 of my Whole30 and over the past few days, I've been having...not cravings, but more old habits trying to rear their ugly heads. I've gotten through them, but it's kind of leading my mind down a path of "wow, am I never going to be able to eat (whatever food - pizza, cookies, pasta, etc) again?". I do know exactly how things affect me, and it's not good. Part of me is glad that the effects of bad food, specifically sugar, are so obvious to me (within 5 minutes after eating it, continuing for days), but part of me wishes that I didn't notice so that I could have special treats like Christmas cookies. Knowing that it will be a choice of that 5 minutes of happiness while eating versus 4-5 days of crappiness...it just makes me sad.

Does anyone have any advice on how to break those emotional ties and attachments to food and behaviors that center around food (ordering pizza if I'm too tired to cook, having something with sugar after a stressful day, etc.)? I'm guessing that it's just something that has to be worked through - the more times I resist, the less pull those behaviors will have on me. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to work through the sadness about giving those things up.

I don't necessarily miss any grains...I think it's more sugary treats for me. I don't even know if I could mentally handle "paleo" versions in the future. For my (addictive) personality, it seems like too slippery of a slope. Is it unrealistic to think that sugar might just be something I need to stay away from, period, much like a celiac needs to stay away from gluten? Or an alcoholic from alcohol?

[shanonbug]

I am sorry that I cannot offer much help here as I am in the same boat as you when it comes to sugar, but I am anxious to read the replies!!! I think some of it depends if if we can handle it in moderation.....I sure hope that after I have cleansed my body that I will be able too, but maybe I cannot as well.....Sugar makes me sick as well. YUCK....but I sure love the stuff. Good luck to you!!! And keep at it..you are worth it!

[CaseyD]

You have to develop new, non-food related habits to replace the sugar indulging habits. I totally get where you are with all this. I have food allergies/sensitivities that pretty much knock out most, if not all, of the foods eliminated by the Whole30, but sugar is one of those things that I just kept taking the consequences for the pure momentary satisfaction. It's taken me many months to accept it, but my relationship with sugar is just too unnatural and unhealthy for me to continue. Not even once, I believe.

So that left me with a ton of holes in my life. Weekend nights with my husband - no more junk food binges in front of a movie. Stressful day with my toddler - no more runs through McDonald's drive thru. Holidays with my family - no more all day cookie binges. Sugar was a HUGE part of my life.

When you have that many holes, you really have to come up with something else and clean food is just not going to be the answer. So, my husband and I actually get out and do things on Friday and Saturdays, or just watch a movie with no food (that takes practice, but is doable). My daughter is going through a horrible "no" phase right now, which means so much stress, but now I handle it by making sure I am taking care of myself instead. This means withdrawing from the screaming fit the best I can and taking a moment to focus on my breath, to calm down. It means that when I've just had it, I call a friend or my mom for a momentary escape. There are all sorts of ways to deal with stress that doesn't have to involve food, it just takes practice and commitment to taking care of yourself.

For holidays, birthday parties, dinner parties, get-togethers, and all those occasions that revolve around food, I bring my own food or I eat a good meal before going. This just takes practice. I've been going cake-less for birthday parties this entire year and it has only been very recently that I don't worry about it anymore. Sure, for a while I felt totally left out, but eventually I realized that I was the one creating that feeling in my head. No one was actually leaving me out. I think dealing with social settings just takes practice, and yes, some suffering at first.

Think of things you can do in all your situations that usually lead to bad eating, and write them down. Start practicing doing those alternatives. You can create new habits and break unhealthy emotional ties to food, but it requires dedication and practice. Just like the Whole30, it gets easier over time. And, I personally believe that it is an unhealthy emotional tie if the end result is feeling sick and/or guilty.

[Suzy]

April, thank you for posting this. I was just about to post this question almost EXACTLY before I searched and found yours!

I hear what everyone is saying here. I mean, last Christmas was hell for me. I had recently gained back all the weight I'd lost from months on Weight Watchers (I lost more than 20 lbs. from April to July 2011). So for Christmas, I decided I was not going to worry about eating at ALL while I was at my sister's house in Long Island for a week, and then go back to Weight Watchers full force. Boy, was that hell. I remember watching the volume of food I was consuming and thinking, "Wow, that's a lot. But 'It's Christmas!'" I had sugar in my coffee and biscotti for breakfast, fruit cake galore, and cookies, cookies, cookies. It was not fun. It was not even delicious. It felt obligatory and then I was sick and puffy and miserable.

When I think of having Christmas treats again I feel anxiety for how I was last year. I mean, I would like to have treats, but at what cost? Is it worth feeling like dog doody the rest of the day or week for a few cookies? I dunno. Experts, please advise. I would like to hear what some of the advanced members do for their special occasions.

[April]

CaseyD - you're just so very right about this. As I was trying to fall asleep last night, I was thinking about situations where food is usually the centerpiece and started thinking about other things to do/other ways to celebrate (birthdays/holidays). I have known for quite some time that I have a very unhealthy relationship to these foods. I think it is just going to be better for me in the long run to just plain not have any sugar. For whatever reason, my brain just doesn't work in a way that says "ok, one cookie is enough for me". It just goes crazy instead.

I also think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about not wanting to feel left out - that is a fear of mine. I've heard some other people say that after they stopped eating grains/sugar/processed food, that some of their friends and even family just didn't want to be around them anymore. (Presumably because they didn't want someone around who was basically reminding them about their own bad food habits, just by choosing good food in their presence). I realize that this is just something that I will need to work through and develop strategies for, but I guess I'm just needing to acknowledge it right now as something that is happening.

Suzy - I was JUST talking to my husband about Christmas cookies the other day! My mom makes some AMAZING cookies...but it causes me such anxiety just to think about it, and I have zero control (if we go up to visit, I will literally eat upwards of 30 cookies in a day....every day we're there for a visit. Then feel like crap). I think the anxiety around it all is just too much. It feels a little better just to make the decision now that I'm not eating sugar. It just feels easier to me, since I just don't have that control.

I wonder what is a good way to phrase the whole "no thanks" thing when someone spent a bunch of time making "special" treats like Christmas cookies, etc. when you don't want to eat them? I know I will probably get blasted for this to just put my big girl pants on and get over it, but I really hate hurting people's feelings - especially when it's someone I really care about. Maybe it would be easiest to just say something like "wow, that looks so good - I'm so sorry I won't be able to have any since grains/gluten/sugar (whatever it is) make me very sick. But thank you so much for thinking of me!" And then figuring out some other non-food way to connect with that person (going for a walk, to a movie, whatever). I think if someone said that to me, I wouldn't feel offended that they weren't eating the food I made them...but what do you guys think? Good phrasing or no?

[Suzy]

There is this thing out there in the world that "food is love." And what is this "food is love" phenomenon, anyway? If food really were love as often as people think it is, it would make you feel loved and nourished, protected, and safe. Sometimes, as much as I hate to say it, I think my Mom's cooking is a way of sabotaging my healthy diet to get me to stay a sugar addict with her. This is insideous stuff, friends. Sugar makes my Mom high, and that is confused with happiness and relaxation, so she wants me to experience it, too. Also, she doesn't want to be alone in her addiction, what an alcoholic would call "drinking alone." She will ask repeatedly if I'm sure I don't want any pie. She will look sad for me in an exaggerated way (you guys know what I'm talking about here!). THEN . . . she will give up. April, the best phrase I have learned is, "I would love to say yes, but I will have to say no." Practice it. This lets your loved one know that you are struggling a bit, that you would like one, but your health is important to you. This phrase is usually accepted, like, nine times out of ten. You might need to say it twice, and then that will ALWAYS be that. My Mom is one of those two time requirements!

Food is not the ONLY source of love out there (there are actually, like, billions of ways to love people). Food a lot of times is a way to boast that you know how to make something your family made for decades. Food, at it's best, is nourishment for the whole person, body and soul, and if it doesn't do both it doesn't have much of a place in day to day life. Sure, maybe on Christmas day, and that day only, I'll have some treats (not tons, but maybe two). There's no reason to have them ALL of December, though! Ha! That's just a cop out.

Some good ways to love people that don't require sugar:

~ Say nice things about them behind their backs (they might never find out, but it will be felt!)

~ Cut people SO MUCH slack

~ Phone call

~ A card

~ Gas up their cars while they're still in bed.

[April]

Can I just say that it is SO NICE to have people that understand exactly what is going through my head and have ideas for how to fix it/deal with it/change it???? So wonderful.

Suzy, I think you're right about the whole misery-loves-company thing (or junk food loves company?). I guess in that respect, I'm a little lucky that I live 4 hours away from my family (not really, I miss them and would love to live closer....but it's nice to not have to deal with the family dinners with four different desserts every week).

[Flynn]

April, I totally get it!

I was a binge eater, big time. I don't really care too much about pizza, pasta, etc...my food of choice is sweet, sugar in any form. The worst are baked goods or cereal...I have one and it's like a signal goes off and I can't stop, then I just keep eating and eating. Many times I've found myself too full to sit down. I'll keep going with any sugary food, and usually end up with some random food used as a vehicle for more sugar (yogurt with gobs of maple syrup, oats coated in brown sugar and honey)...it's totally disgusting to think about in retrospect. The truth is that I love sugar...but I deprived myself so much that just the slightest bit and I would go crazy and end up feeling like crap for days because I way overdid it. Done the christmas cookie binge, the birthday cake binge, the peanut butter binge, all of that and suffered the bloating and guilt that comes with it! This is just anecdotal, but I feel like that deprivation causes some weird physical things in my body and that little taste sets me off because the cravings are so unbelievable physical and strong...compulsive.

I'm over it now. What helped me 100% is Melissa's F-off list as described here:

http://whole9life.com/2010/12/the-healthy-f-off-scale-version-2-0/

I know myself. I like sweets and nut butter. I can "control" myself for days, weeks, even months sometimes but sooner or later I'm going to blow and pig out. The f-off scale gives you a few foods that you know aren't healthy for you but that you allow yourself to have despite any rules, feelings, emotions, whatever...it's like F-off, I'm going to eat this and it's ok. Giving myself permission to eat the foods on my F-off list was scary at first and I really overdid it. But then slowly I became more normal around them. I never thought this would happen, I was a big doubter of the F-off scale at first because I lose control and go crazy but I had faith and it worked. I can say no to cookies that I don't really want and not give it a second thought, whereas before I would obsess over them. I can have a piece of cake if I want and be happy with that. I can even have two or three and I don't care. Seriously, take away the power the food has over you and you can really enjoy it instead of being tortured by it Maybe it could work for you, especially in light of your intuitive eating background Good luck!

[Bridgedurso]

I love this thread! This is the mucky stuff that it's rally all about, isn't it?! I am a sugar addict. No question about it, the sugar has a strong physiological pull. Perhaps it's been months since I've had any sort of cane sugar, maple, honey, etc...and then I think, "I've got this. I can have it now" So, I eat that cookie. Maybe it's breakfast. 3pm that afternoon, I will crash and crash hard. I will begin to fantasize about the next sweet. The fact that I will be having some sort of alcoholic beverage IMMEDIATELY after work, just began non-negotiable, and I am fixating on it's deliciousness. In fact, I can't wait that long, weren't there some gross M&Ms out on the main reception desk? Maybe I'll go for a little walk and see what I can scare up..." Wake the next morning, and visions of bagels loom relentlessly overhead. I just can't do it. Does that mean I will never again taste the sea salt caramel ice cream at Salt and Straw?? I sure as hell hope not. I think it means that I will have to do so under very controlled conditions. Read the recent blog post on vacations. I think it's key. Go into those predetermined "Vacations" fresh off a whole 30, feeling great, then GO IMMEDIATELY BACK ON! go through the IS it worth it flow chart every single time you make a nutritional off-roading decision.

BUT, that's only half the piece. My other advice will be controversial here. But I say, learn to bake delicious lower GI, grain-free treats. Get really really good as Sex With Your Pants On. Don't bake everyday. Or even every weekend. But, going to mom's for Thanksgiving? brign one of the pies. Make your kids a wonderful birthday cake. There are so many amazing recipes out there that will please EVERYONE, not just the paleo eaters. Also, when made carefully, they will satisfy your sweet tooth, your need to "Fit in", your need to be an active member of a community that DOES celebrate with food, but they will NOT trigger the addicitive craving cycle in the same way. That said, if misused, they can keep your unhealthy snack attack patterns alive, but the physiolgical trigger is not the same. For two years I have used only coconut sugar, authentic stevia extract (no additives), occasional dates, and very rarely, honey or maple to sweeten desserts. When I was visiting family recently and surrounded by cookies, etc., and talking to my mom about how to improve her diet (she has cancer), I just went shopping and made dessert one night. I made tiny strawberry balsamic tarts. A little coconut sugar with the almond flour crust. Big enough for 2-3 bites. Sliced strawberries drizzled with balsamic reduction, topped with whipped coconut cream sweetened with a hint of liquid stevia drops...Its a great way to participate in a festive celebration, be a member of your family, and turn them on to some healthier ways at the same time. My daughter has celiac. When she goes to grandma's all the kids roll out and decorate sugar cookies together at xmas time. I send her with homemade dough. anda jar of white icing. It's important to stay connected to your tribe, and have some normalcy. Especially for kids. I say all this in addition to all that's already been said about finding new ways to celebrate. But in some communities, there just isn't space for that kind of change. Good Luck!

[bron]

Six months ago - before I'd even heard of W30 - I gave up sugar. I went through crazy withdrawals but I felt so much calmer off sugar it was awesome. I got rid of all that high fructose stuff - dried fruit, fruit juice, sugar, maple syrup and honey etc. I even started to not eat fruit because I noticed my problem was with fructose (which is the addictive part of sugar). I felt so calm when I was off it, it was amazing. But then even the tiniest bit would make me stressed and aggressive. I started cutting out more and more - tomatoes were out, as were beets and sweet potatoes. Then even nuts and coconut cream! Then I heard about the W30 and decided to give it a try and see if I could break the addiction once and for all.

I am currently on day 6. I don't know what my brain is doing but I get angry after every meal. Life is pretty stressful right now as I am a stay at home mum to 2 young kids and my husband has chronic fatigue... but seriously, this food stuff is sending me crazy. I'd really like to read up more about addiction because I have to know if it's possible to kick this thing. I am eating completely clean. Totally W30, as well as no fruit, nuts, coconut products (apart from coconut oil) and eggs (I already knew they were no good for me). I just need to know if this is going to WORK! I'm at the point where I'm considering seeking professional help for the addiction/aggression thing. For me, it's not even about the cravings. I know I'm better off without sugar. I just want to eat my meat and veggies and know that I'm not going to get cranky with my spouse and kids after every meal!

Does anyone have experience with this sort of thing?

[Dutchie]

Six months ago - before I'd even heard of W30 - I gave up sugar. I went through crazy withdrawals but I felt so much calmer off sugar it was awesome. I got rid of all that high fructose stuff - dried fruit, fruit juice, sugar, maple syrup and honey etc. I even started to not eat fruit because I noticed my problem was with fructose (which is the addictive part of sugar). I felt so calm when I was off it, it was amazing. But then even the tiniest bit would make me stressed and aggressive. I started cutting out more and more - tomatoes were out, as were beets and sweet potatoes. Then even nuts and coconut cream! Then I heard about the W30 and decided to give it a try and see if I could break the addiction once and for all.

I am currently on day 6. I don't know what my brain is doing but I get angry after every meal. Life is pretty stressful right now as I am a stay at home mum to 2 young kids and my husband has chronic fatigue... but seriously, this food stuff is sending me crazy. I'd really like to read up more about addiction because I have to know if it's possible to kick this thing. I am eating completely clean. Totally W30, as well as no fruit, nuts, coconut products (apart from coconut oil) and eggs (I already knew they were no good for me). I just need to know if this is going to WORK! I'm at the point where I'm considering seeking professional help for the addiction/aggression thing. For me, it's not even about the cravings. I know I'm better off without sugar. I just want to eat my meat and veggies and know that I'm not going to get cranky with my spouse and kids after every meal!

Does anyone have experience with this sort of thing?

I recognize a lot of this,also lots of anxiety,food cravings&falling off the wagon more frequently and harder everytime. I'm even too anxious to eat 3meals a day,though i wouldve loved it to see it as a great adventure.the anxiousness also has a lot to do with fear of becomimg fat again&still have all these eat/food issues,as im currently underweight i guess. I know for me,it has a lot to do with hormonal imbalances&energy patterns,gutdysbiosis and lyme&funghi(which are also things that steer one to the wrong things,bingeing,mood/hormonal disorders/stress etc. I also notice that high fructose and in a lesser matter fructans&cheese send me over the edge eating till my stomach hurts:(

According to matt stone a high everything diet,especially carbs,should restore ones metabolism&hormones. However due to past experiences with 'common dietician' and their foodcalculation,paleo with the carbs,IF,keep on moving etc.....gave me so much food anxieties,that im basically became scared of everything too much carbs/root (eggies/fruit(though there isnt much fruit i could handle except for highcarb ones such as banana&plantain),too much fat in combination/pufas from skin of poultry which i like the best. Especially when i sitdown i can go on&on eating and also easily derail by wanting to go out to a buffetrestaurant especially for the icecream! Yet i try to keep anxiously moving during the day,i recently started a stronglifts kinda program with like no weight at the moment.

In another thtead i posted a link to a videodiary of food from a girl whos not officially paleo but kinda similar.....i really like her enthusiasm regarding healthy eating,naivety when it comes to macro quantities and foodgroups such as (veggies&root veggies,dairy,sweetener,proteine and fat and also bc her meals look tasty to me and easy to make for a cooking noob such as myself and she basically just has enough inspirati9n to think up easy tasty meals herself.

I really really long to find a good therapist specialized in treating HSP people and paleoish nutrition to help me off all these issues regarding macros/quantities,categorizing foods (good&bad even whole foods),binges etc. Bc i think due to all unsubconscious extremities and years of suffering from Lyme&Co, i keep on distrusting my body....that its trying to trick me into packing on the fatpounds again. Especially bc it seems like more&more studies show up in regard to formerly chubby/obese persons seem to gain back all the weight eventually,which scares me even more. (i keep seeing myself as that fat tired girl who loved all kinds of food,before my chronic cardiodays).

Yet,i cant find a good therapist:(

[April]

bron - I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not, but I went through a period a while back where I felt angry all.the.time. I actually thought I had really bad postpartum depression (my son was about 10 months old at the time). I sought help from my midwife (who is very pro-whole foods, and would rather do dietary changes than pills, etc.) and the first thing she did was test my vitamin D levels. They ended up being VERY, VERY low. She put me on a prescription level of vitamin d for some time (I think it was about 12 weeks) and towards the end (maybe around week 8 or 9), I finally felt that anger leaving. I also know that if I don't keep up on my vitamin d supplements now (I do the liquid one from NOW), I will start to feel that anger coming back. I don't know if something like this could be an issue with you, but it might be worth it to talk to a doctor about getting your levels checked, just to be sure.

[rhondaNtx]

After reading the postings, I find it comforting to know I'm not a lone ranger w/the sugar addiction. For several years, I thought of myself as a food addict and with the help of Whole30, I've been able to narrow the triggers to sugar. One sweet bite awakens the sugar demon, then I eat the house down. I'm relieved the emotional, out of control food urges are directly related to my wrong-unwise- food choices rather than a neurological issue.

[Dutchie]

On the other hand.......Matt Stone over at 180Degrees Health has a theory,that basically if one craves sugar it indicates the person is probably too low in carbs?

[Suzy]

And, Dutchie, that's when I find that eating quality carbohydrates along with protein to be the most helpful. I eat sweet potato and squash about once a day now and that seems perfect for my needs.