dchavy Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Today is day 24 of my first successful Whole30. My previous two attempts did not make it through day 10. This in itself is a major victory for me. I have never been able to see anything through to the end or make any lasting changes, ever. I never truly committed myself, until now. Food has been my safe haven for as long as I can remember. I have a very vivid memory of sitting at our kitchen table at age 5 or 6 eating ramen and potato chips. I would put a small mound of noodles on a chip and pop it into my mouth, repeating until both were sadly gone. I can still feel how I reveled in the combination of soft, warm, crunchy and salty. It created a calm little bubble for me in the midst of the chaos that filled our home. constant fighting and yelling vanished. I could only hear the slight crunch of the chip in my head. I continued to drown every bit of discomfort, every doubt, every failure, every feeling, good or bad, with food for the next 30+ years. It allowed me to stay in my shell. A shell that is by now very well insulated and guarded by an enormous wall of fat. It keeps me independent. I don't need anyone else, when the unbearable weight of loneliness would hit, I would eat, and eat, and eat until I "remembered" that I wasn't good enough or worthy of love. Letting go of this security blanket is hard. like, really hard. I knew that the emotional addiction to food was going to be a monumental feat to overcome, much more than the physical. Giving up smoking and doing heroin were way easier. No joke. I breezed through the first 3.5 weeks of this program. None of the "side effects" were really that bad. I have been of the mindset that I will extend this on until my birthday in early November, then hop back on after Thanksgiving and so on until I meet my weight loss goals. Seems simple enough until today when the proverbial s*** hit the fan. I am an emotional wreck. I know that 30 days isn't nearly enough. I'm not sure 90 days is enough. I'm really not sure that 365 days would be enough. I'm not sure about anything today. I know that losing 150 pounds is possible. Many, many, many people have done it, but I haven't. I've never lost more than 60, and every time I gain more back. I think it comes down to being afraid of not having that physical wall to protect me. I know that I cannot stop or take a break at the end of my 30 days but I don't know how I'll be able to continue for 30 or 60 days more. Today I am worried, sad, scared and a little disheartened. One thing I have learned from the whole30 program thus far is that discomfort is not permanent and this too, shall pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carlaccini Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 A big giant cyber hug is being sent to you. You can do this - you really can. Know this: You are treating yourself well. You will walk out of this whatever day you do with so much more knowledge on what powers your body properly. This journey is and should be about your health. Do not let this be about weight. Give a listen to this podcast. I love the perspective of it. http://summerinnanen.com/frr-10 That being said you are reaching the difficult and trying days of a possible extinxtion burst. This means your brain is taking a last stitch effort to convert you back to your old eating days. Some extinction burst lasts for a couple of hours, some for days. Try to relax and treat yourself as kindly as possible and know too that this will pass. Also keep in mind that a whole 30 should not be your new security blanket. This is supposed to be a learning experience on what foods you should fuel your body with to get maxium results. ie: better sleep, being able to walk around the block twice, being migraine free (my personal win), going for a run, or just simply being able to tie your shoe without being out of breath. (Yes, I actually had this problem) Yay for day 24! You can do this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Tom Denham Posted September 24, 2014 Moderators Share Posted September 24, 2014 The success you are achieving with your Whole30 is money in the bank that you need to spend on additional improvements. You know how to use food as a safe haven, but have you learned how to apply other skills to achieve a safe haven? - Walking away from destructive situations. Enlisting appropriate help. Emotional self-soothing. A lot of us need to spend a few years in a counseling or therapy relationship to develop these skills. Our families did not teach us how to manage our lives in a healthy fashion. You can't learn it from a book or develop it from watching functional families on TV. We need face to face relationships with people who can help us develop skills that were missing where we got our start in life. Like a lot of things, it starts with food, but there is more work to do. You really can do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchavy Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 Thank you both for your comments. I almost immediately felt better after just typing that very dramatic post, it's like I just had to get it out. I maybe should've used a notebook . Seriously, though, I know that a lot of tough issues are going to come up throughout the process of getting things in order and I'm a little surprised that this is my first freakout moment. I very much appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Carlaccini - thank you for advising me not to let the Whole30 become my new security blanket, I can definitely see that as possibly happening and will take your advice to heart. I am really trying to work on getting rid of my "all or nothing" attitude and being more accepting and kind in general. Tom - yes, you are so very correct, there is more work to do. Thanks again for your encouragement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchavy Posted September 25, 2014 Author Share Posted September 25, 2014 Holy moly, what a difference a day makes!! This morning I am back to my normal self and all is back in perspective. I'm not sure what caused yesterday's total melt down but it was likely a combination of things. Carlaccini made a really good point about my brain making a last push effort to get everything in the comfort zone of old ways. Also, I'm not sure I've been eating enough. Partly because I have had very little appetite and nothing sounds good. The effort of cooking and doing dishes doesn't always seem worth it for a meal that I am basically just going to choke down. I have also been very low carb the last couple of weeks. My body composition is changing quickly at this point and I let the excitement of that combined with the new found control over my hunger/consumption shift my focus from health to weight. Needless to say, I learned quite a bit from my total meltdown. Last night I had two grassfed burger patties with sweet potato "bun", homemade mayo, avocado, lettuce, tomato, mushrooms and a side of garlic sauteed kale. I think the combination of a little extra fat and the sweet potato really made a big difference. This morning I wasn't hungry but coerced myself into a banana with a spoon full of cashew butter and a bit of chicken with leftover kale and a couple bites of sweet potato and that went okay. Today I feel light, energetic, and happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchavy Posted September 25, 2014 Author Share Posted September 25, 2014 um, I either have the tiger blood or I've gone totally manic... I'm gonna go with switch flipped Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassyboo62 Posted September 26, 2014 Share Posted September 26, 2014 DCHavy: Hugs to you. I went through the same thing a few days ago. Might have happened around Day 21 for me. It was a WTH type moment where my sugar dragon came awake (mainly because I didn't eat properly the night before) and I struggled mightily that day with cravings, crying and wanting to throw in the towel. But I did a lot of reading on this forum and realized that just like a drug, my brain was wanting it's fix and it was pulling out all the stops to get me to give in. I went to Wal-Mart and all that dang Halloween candy almost did it. But I dug my nails into my palms and got through it. The next morning, like you, all was well and I'm proudly marching to the end of this Whole 30. 4 more days. And then, Round 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchavy Posted September 26, 2014 Author Share Posted September 26, 2014 sassyboo62: Thank you, I am soooo glad to hear that I'm not the only one!! That was pretty crazy. Good for you for toughing it out, it's so worth it on the other side. I'm headed toward round 2 as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ninalia Posted September 27, 2014 Share Posted September 27, 2014 Dawn, thank you for posting here instead of using a notebook; reading the posts helps me (and others) to make it thru. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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