Guest sareemaree Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Okay, so I've had a rough couple of days. Well, more like 6 of them. I've been been eating (although fortunately not bingeing on) noncompliant food, then feeling so guilty about it that I purge and then exercise excessively. This is happening multiple times a day and I'm physically and mentally exhausted, my stomach and intestines are in an uproar, I have terrible heartburn, my face is broken out, and my sleep is absolutely terrible. My physical tolerance for this behavior continues to diminish as I get older. I'm going to start Whole30 eating again tomorrow. I spent today shopping and cooking. This time, I'm going to eliminate fruit, as it has led me down the primrose path on more than one occasion. I'm also going to stay away from nuts and nut butters, because even though I haven't abused them I can definitely envision scenarios in which I might do so (actually, to be honest, I know I am capable of abusing just about any kind of food imaginable, but I have to start somewhere). Meat, fish, poultry, eggs, vegetables, and healthy fats - that's it! My goal is not weight loss, but I freely admit that I am totally obsessed with weight, so here are my measurements as of this morning: weight, 89.2 lbs; waist, 24 inches, hips, 31 inches. I asked my partner to take both the scales - the one I stand on and the one I weigh food on - to his office tomorrow morning and leave them there. I'll leave myself the option of weighing myself again in 30 days, but the more I think about it the surer I am that I'm going to ultimately need more time than that to truly change my deeply engrained thoughts and behaviors surrounding food and weight. And while I'm not at all confident that this time I'll be able to do it, I know that I owe it to myself to keep trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Day 1. Sleep: terrible. Was up and down all night, finally fell asleep around 4AM and was in bed until about 9AM. Hoping to get a nap in before cooking dinner. M1: coffee with coconut milk, hard-boiled egg, celery sticks. Coconut water kefir. M2: roasted cauliflower with sardines, olives and capers (this recipe, subbed sardines for anchovies - wow, really good). Having a cup of bone broth now. M3: seared tuna steak, stewed green beans with onions and tomatoes (cooked with generous amount of EVOO). Exercise: easy-paced 3 mile run. Legs are a little sore from yesterday's 40 mile ride. Hadn't been on the bike for almost three weeks prior to that. How I'm feeling: like I got hit by a truck. I'm hoping it doesn't take me for than a few days to start feeling more like I did before I went off the rails. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 Day 2. Sleep: 9 good hours. Probably helped that I never got around to that nap yesterday afternoon. Pre-WO: coffee with coconut milk, hard-boiled egg Post-WO: coconut water, egg whites M1: coffee with coconut milk and a spoonful of 100% cocoa powder (yum) M2: bone broth, a carrot, handful of almonds M3: grass-fed beef burger (8oz of meat), mushrooms and onions sautéed in avocado oil, green salad with EVOO and balsamic (I know my M1 and M2 were totally pathetic but I do not have much of an appetite today and am hoping I will be able to eat all of my dinner to help make up for it.) Exercise: 9-mile run @ 9:00/mile How I'm feeling: much better than yesterday, no soreness or fatigue, but as I mentioned poor appetite. EDIT: I ate my whole dinner, and it was delicious, and very filling. But even though I was full, I had another handful of almonds about an hour later (and this a mere 2 days after claiming I was going to stay away from nuts - oops). This is classic bulimic behavior for me, where the feeling of physical fullness triggers an urge to eat more and more and then purge. Anyway, that didn't happen tonight - I stopped after one handful and did not throw up. But it's definitely something I need to be aware of. Maybe my portions were just a little too big, probably because I did not eat enough at my other 2 meals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Day 3. Back to work tonight so this "day" actually lasts until tomorrow morning when I go to bed again. Therefore the meals listed here (aside from pre- and post-workout, which I have already had) are what I have planned, cooked, and packed to take with me, but haven't actually eaten yet. Since I will be awake for a total of at least 18 hours, I'm having four meals. Sleep: Stayed up late last night, took a Benadryl, and then slept 12 hours. Sometimes I do this before my first night on if I don't have anything I need to get up in the morning and do. Slept very well but was woken up by terrible menstrual cramps. Pre-WO: coffee with coconut milk Post-WO: bone broth (I know these workout options aren't strictly following the template but my workout was pretty easy today) M1: 2 eggs scrambled with shredded zucchini, coffee with coconut milk M2: hard-boiled egg, raw celery and green pepper slices, carrot "hummus" (pureed steamed carrots, olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, cumin, salt/pepper, tahini) M3: olive-oil braised eggplant, onions, and tomatoes with ground chicken breast M4: slice of egg-white fritatta made with spinach, onions, and tomatoes, 1 whole avocado Exercise: 5-mile run @ 9:30/mile How I'm feeling: I feel well-rested and have currently medicated my cramps into submission but know I will be dealing with them for the next few days. I routinely suffer from these, sometimes accompanied by nausea and diarrhea too. My doctor has told me the only option besides heavily dosing ibuprofen when they strike is to take hormonal birth control or even an SSRI, which I have zero interest in doing (was on both for over a decade and now really enjoy the freedom from taking pills everyday). So I just pound Advil for a couple of days a month and hope I don't get a nasty GI bleed or go into renal failure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassyboo62 Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 I just want to say hugs to you. I feel your pain over the bulimia and purging. While I never had that issue, I am a recovering drug addict (clean 20+ years from cocaine/crack and 8 years from pain pill addiction) and am also a recovering binge eater. I hope you find your strength to continue this program and develop healthy eating habits and behaviors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Thank you, sassy. Your support and empathy means a lot to me. Unfortunately tonight did not go as planned so tomorrow will be Day 1 again. Trying not to beat myself up about it and just get right back on track. Knowing you conquered your addictions gives me hope than I can do the same with mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 HawkeyeGirl, I can't thank you enough for saying that. When I think of all the chances at recovery I've had over the years and totally squandered because I wasn't ready for change, I just can't believe it. Now that I finally, truly, WANT to give this up, it seems like all that support has vanished and I'm all on my own. It's one thing to have an eating disorder as a teen or young adult, with parents and schools offering money and programs to assist you - and a totally different thing to be a grown woman with a family, a job, and endless commitments struggling with the same thing. Not only is society less tolerant in general, I feel, but my body is less tolerant of the abuse and the resources (and finances!) available for help are so much more limited. I am grateful that the Whole30 exists and I am hopeful (although not yet 100% convinced) that it is a path to recovery, but it still feels like I am struggling on my own with it most of the time, especially compared to treatment modalities that I have been involved with in the past that are so focused on groups, relationships, and community. Your comment really eases that fear. In any case, you are so right. Today is a new day. Thank you so very very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Day 1 (le sigh) Sleep: 14 hours with the help of a benadryl (had one night off now back for 3 more). Woke up starving, which makes sense since I figure it had been 18 hours since dinner (which, by the way, was compliant but I'm not counting yesterday as day 1 since I had cereal in the morning before going to bed after work). Here's what I've had so far and have planned for the rest of the day/night. My meals all weekend are planned the same, I cooked big batches of everything and portioned it out earlier in the week. Pre-workout: coffee with coconut milk Post-workout: skipped, too close to M1 M1: 2 eggs scrambled with shredded zucchini, coffee with coconut milk and cocoa powder, coconut water kefir M2: hard-boiled egg, carrot "hummus," raw celery and green pepper strips for dipping M3: braised eggplant, tomato, and onion with ground chicken breast, cooked in EVOO M4: slice of egg-white fritatta with onions, tomatoes, and spinach, one whole avocado Exercise: 40 minute tempo run (10 min. warmup jog + stretching; 25 minutes @ 8:00/mile; 5 min. cool down jog) How I'm feeling: anxious and discouraged and like I'm never gonna get this right. I don't understand how I can be so strong and disciplined in some areas of my life and then be totally undone by a bowl of frosted flakes. It's humiliating and disgusting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Marie Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Today is a new day !! Lots of support out here - we are all cheering for you ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Day 2. Sleep: About 6.5 hours after work, not too bad for a work night. Had a cup of chamomile tea and took a lavender-scented epsom salt bath (and a melatonin supplement) before going to bed. Very soothing. M1-M4 are all the same as yesterday. Not having pre- or post-workout meals today because my exercise was light. Exercise: 3 easy miles How I'm feeling: Pretty good! Last night went well. I sent one patient to the OR for an emergent procedure early in the evening, which was a little hectic, but had no admissions and the rest of the night was quiet. Fought off some strong cravings (that damn candy bowl!). Ate a handful of nuts and 3 apple slices around 3AM that were not a part of my plan but had no non-compliant foods so I'm calling it a good day. One change that I've made is that I am making an effort to go outside and stand in the sun for at least 10 minutes as soon as I wake up in the afternoon to help realign my circadian rhythms. It feels good and I think it is making a slight improvement in my sleep/wake cycle. I know some people at work who are life-long night shifters and they swear the best thing to do is just never switch back to a daytime schedule, even if you have several days off in a row, but I'm not ready to do that - still love my early AM long runs and doing regular social things during daytime hours when I have the opportunity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 Day 3. Sleep: 6 hrs, not very restful. M1-M4 same as yesterday, no pre- or post-workout meals. Exercise: 3 easy miles. How I'm feeling: Glad last night went well food-wise, but as usual super exhausted going into my third night in a row. Looking forward to two nights off after this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinman57 Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Yesterday was Day 4. Sleep: Slept four hours after work. M1: coffee with coconut milk, butternut squash and apple soup (made with homemade bone broth), coconut water kefir M2: pan-grilled chicken breast; broccoli, carrots, and onions roasted in EVOO, whole avocado No exercise, went to bed early. Was only awake about 8 hours so 2 meals was enough. How I felt: Very grateful to have made it through a working weekend without eating non-compliant foods or purging. I feel like I'm getting back into the swing of this. I also feel very productive because even though it was a short day I did all my chores including a big cook-up to last me through Friday, so today I can enjoy a true day off before going back to work tomorrow night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Day 5. Sleep: 8 good hours plus a delicious 45-minute afternoon nap. Pre-workout: coffee with coconut milk, hard-boiled egg Post-workout: coconut water, 2 hard-boiled egg whites M1: coffee with coconut milk and cocoa powder, coconut water kefir M2: 8oz grilled chicken breast; baby arugula and tomato salad (no dressing); half an avocado; bottle of kombucha M3: 8oz NY strip steak; sauteed mushrooms and onions; green salad dressed with EVOO and balsamic vinegar Exercise: 13 mile run @ 8:50/mile; fueled with 2 compliant baby food pouches (blueberry/carrot, apricot/sweet potato) How I'm feeling: Awesome! The weather is finally starting to turn cooler here and my run this morning was graced by a beautiful ocean sunrise. My partner took the day off to spend with me since I worked all weekend, and we're having a lovely kid-free Tuesday. Getting more confident every day now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I'm concerned that you're not eating enough....especially for breakfast. Remember, a serving of protein is 1-2 palm sized portions. For eggs it's how many you can hold in your hand. If you are doing exercise (like a 13 mile run!!) you need a 4th meal in there. Don't forget protein, fat, and veggies at every single meal! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb. Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I agree with McDuffee, you are doing great but you need to eat more. This is not a meal: M1: coffee with coconut milk and cocoa powder, coconut water kefir Remember the meal template - 1-2 Palm sized servings of protein (your whole palm, including the thickness) 1-3 cups of veggies (more if it's salad greens) 1-2 thumb sized portions of fat (but check the template because olives/coconut milk/avocados all have their own unique measurements) Do this at LEAST three times a day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I know, I know ... But with pre- and post-workout snacks, plus running fuel some days, I'm eating 3 or 4 times before noon! It FEELS like A LOT. I thought I made up for it today with extra protein at M2 and M3 ... My hands are small and a "palm-size" portion is between 3 and 4 oz (I'm 4'11"). McDuffee, your egg point is well-taken. I'm a small person but I just checked and I can in fact hold 3 eggs. So on days I have eggs for my first meal I will start trying 3 instead of 2. Now if I can just stop worrying about all that cholesterol ... Thank you, thank you, thank you for the input/encouragement/advice! I've found these forums to be immensely helpful and motivating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 If you can, get a hold of a copy of "Eat the Yolks" and you will never worry about fat or cholesterol ever again! I'm reading it now and am surprised that there's quite a lot of new info that wasn't in ISWF (this book supports the consumption of dairy, though). I think I can hold 3 eggs too, but usually only eat 2 because that's what I've always done. I think I have an egg sensitivity so I'm avoiding them right now Don't forget to eat your yolks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Day 6. Sleep: I stayed up very late after dinner last night and then got about 10 good hours. About an hour before bed last night I had some walnuts and a handful of grapes (it had been about 4 hours since my last meal). Here is what I have planned for meals today/tonight. Pre-workout: coffee with coconut milk Post-workout: bone broth M1: 3 (!) eggs scrambled, steamed broccoli, coffee with coconut milk M2: hard-boiled egg, celery and green pepper strips, carrot "hummus" M3: bowl of butternut squash and apple soup (made with coconut milk) with 4 oz lean ground beef stirred in. Half an avocado. M4: 2 egg "muffins" made with egg whites, grated zucchini and onion, and Aidell's chicken apple sausage. Half an avocado. Exercise: 5 easy miles (~9:30/mile). It is actually cool enough today that I could do an afternoon run outside instead of on the treadmill! Yay! How I'm feeling: Decent. My face is still pretty broken out, and I'm not sure what to attribute this to. I thought it was from the poor food choices I was making last week, but if that was the case I figured it would have started to clear up by now. Acne is NOT something I typically have issues with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 I binged and purged after work on Friday morning, and then followed that up by a totally counterproductive attempt at soothing my despair with a bottle of wine on Friday night. So this morning I am sad, angry, and hung over with a killer headache that just won't quit. I am starting over today but doubt I will be able to stomach 3 template meals after yesterday's excesses. My focus today will be on rehydrating. Luckily I still have a freezer-full of bone broth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Day 1. M1: butternut squash and apple soup, coffee with coconut milk. Too queasy for protein. M2: sardines, celery, some olives M3: 4 oz beef patty (made with 80/20 ground beef so I guess it counts as protein and fat), sliced tomato and onion, a few big lettuce leaves, bottle of kombucha. I also drank 2 mugs of bone broth and tons of water and I am feeling much better now, physically. Still very upset about yesterday though. I am so utterly disgusted with myself. I'm trying to adopt the attitude that every good day is a victory and that 30 sequential days should not necessarily be my only yardstick for success, but the emphasis on that is so strong here that it's hard to let that go. Exercise: I had a speed workout planned for today but was really not feeling up to it so rather than give it a less-than-best effort today I decided to postpone it until tomorrow. Instead I walked 2 miles at 3mph on the treadmill with a 12% incline. Going to take a bath, read, and go to bed early. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ShannonM816 Posted October 11, 2014 Moderators Share Posted October 11, 2014 I'm trying to adopt the attitude that every good day is a victory and that 30 sequential days should not necessarily be my only yardstick for success, but the emphasis on that is so strong here that it's hard to let that go. There is a lot of emphasis on 30 straight days here, because it's very important for people who are using the Whole30 as an elimination diet to see how they physically react to foods like dairy and grains that may cause them problems to have at least 30 days without those foods before they reintroduce them. HOWEVER, that's for people who don't have an eating disorder -- for people who do, it's different. If you haven't already, I'd recommend reading these articles about Whole30 and eating disorders: here and here, and if you want more information, google Whole30 eating disorder and you can find forum discussions from others about how they've dealt with it. This paragraph in particular stands out to me: In addition, while we insist the Whole30 must be completed exactly as written to obtain the full benefit, we didn’t write the program with eating disorders in mind. That language was written to discourage people from thinking they can have a bite of this here and a glass of that there and it really won’t make a difference. However, in your context, if you and your counselor need to adjust the rules, duration, or structure of the program to make it work for you, by all means do so. A portion of our healthy eating program is better than none, especially if you’re able to sustain it and make progress by making it less rigid. - See more at: http://whole30.com/2014/06/dear-melissa-eating-disorders/#sthash.5EvGj0UD.dpuf So to me it seems to say, if going for 30 days straight is stressful for you or is in any way contributing to the binging and purging, don't worry about 30 days. Go for a day at a time, even a meal at a time if that's what it takes. Every good, healthy meal is a step in the right direction. And if you have a meal that isn't Whole30, it's okay, try not to let that be an excuse to keep making bad choices, and try not to feel guilty about it. It's just food, it's not a crime, there's nothing to feel guilty about. I also wonder if maybe you'd be more comfortable posting in the Post Whole30 log section? You absolutely don't have to, you can keep posting right here, but I wonder if knowing that you're posting in a section where it's understood that there may be some meals posted that aren't completely Whole30 compliant might feel like less pressure. It might not make any difference to you, and that's fine, I just thought I'd suggest it in case you think that it might make any difference. I think that doing a Whole30 is great, it's taught me a lot, and it's great that you want to do it, but please don't get so caught up in doing a perfect Whole30 that it ends up negatively affecting your health. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sareemaree Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Thank you Shannon. Actually after reading what you wrote and the links you posted (which are great, thank you so much for pointing me to them) I've decided to just keep a personal log in a notebook. It is kinda weird to be putting such super-personal information out there for anyone to see and I think you're right that it does add to feeling pressured. I like these forums and still want to read and participate in them but I think I'm gonna stop logging online at least for the time being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Marie Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Good for you !! and I agree with Shannon's statement - do what you can. And TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - good luck ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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