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No more excuses, No more babying, its TIME


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Ahh guys..or whoever's reading this..


I'm feeling kind of down and melancholy..I feel like I have so long to go..I am at the earliest stage of my journey and I just feel like reverting to my old ways... 


Im doubting if Ill ever see a change in my body..This thought has always gotten me to make bad decisions and not even give it a real try. I just want to eat the things that make me feel comfortable right now..


But more than that I want to lose this weight and become a professional dancer...So what the !@$@#$ do I do...

Become a professional dancer.  Bottomline, become a professional dancer.


We cannot out exercise a poor diet unless you're a full time athlete and even then it might not be possible.  There is no reason to stop working for your goal....but you have to get a handle on your nutrition.  Ultimately, if we don't establish good dietary habits it will be very difficult to maintain any weight loss.

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Day 4! Having 3 eggs, cucumber and yellow bell pepper this morning. Im sleeping like a baby..


Going in for an ultrasound on my breast this morning..Hope everything comes out ok..


Feeling tired right now, too tired to really know how I am feeling..But I seem to be ok


I wrote some things in my notebook last night that I will share on here in regards to the Whole30 and what its like

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Just snacked...this is against my personal whole30 rules (snacking when I have genuine hunger is permitted, but nonesuch was the case..)


I had Whole30 cranberry sauce from the Whole9 website..So yes, its approved, but I ate a lot of it..and in my usual, habitual snacking nature..So yeah this doesn't make me feel good, or full, just keeps that negative dialogue circulating in my head knowing that my substitute behavior is synonymous, is a "healthy" version of my previous self destructive ones. 


So will this motivate me to keep this from my whole30 in the future? Hell yes. awareness is power 

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Ok here is the snack police again:) boil some eggs, and eat them with mayo... Having sweet stuff even if whole30 approved will get you into trouble... I was so used to snack before whole30, but then felt so full til the next meal I had to force myself to eat. No more snacking anymore... Hear me? :)

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@Hutlifr Thanks snack police!!! Got it!!


Lunch: 1 bag of steamed cauliflower, 2 applegate hot dogs, an egg..


I just looked back through my Photo Booth pictures, which mark my journey from happy and athletic to depressed, to depressed and bingeing, to depressed and 30 lbs heavier, and self conscious, and self-doubting.


Looking back I can see where my distorted body image bit me in the ass..It made me feel bad about myself and made me want to binge to comfort myself.  looked great even during the whole time I was trying to "get back to where I was"...


This fear was a self fulfilling prophecy..Evidently...because now I am ACTUALLY 30 pounds and many, many stages of physical fitness away from where I was when I thought I had hit bottom

No no..hitting rock bottom would be a full 9 months away...


So now I am on the way up..those Photo Booth photos are both sad to me and motivating 


Exercise Question: I want to get back on the elliptical again..but I have zero energy right now..because of detoxing? Im not sure..but do I wait until I have the energy, or do I go for it, and it will help me gain my energy back??

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I am in the hands of the Sugar Dragon! Help! 


Dried Figs are the offender!! Do I really need to have a zero tolerance policy for dried fruit during my whole30, regard them as food with no breaks?? 


I might have to..cause they are the onllylyyyy foods I want to binge on....


The psychological hold dried fruit has on me is equivalent to, say, a reeses pieces...


so yeah..maybe they're on the no list...

for the rest of my Whole30...no more dried fruit..no more cranberry sauce (sneaky way for my brain to come up with a way to buy dried figs...Addiction is really like a disease, another subconscious brain that makes decisions for you) Habits are all addictions! I just need to be positively addicted to healthy ones!!


Day 4, I have learned something from you, and thats ALL that I ask for on this whole30 trip. 

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I just realized...my body turned out like this from the last few months of bingeing..


so if I stop binging...my body with recuperate itself and naturally fall back to my dancing weight...


So all I need is patience. This isn't terribly difficult is what I'm trying to say..


The next few months should go as planned if I am good about fixing my habits, and them themselves are the goal. 


and the exercise is an added bonus to help center me and make me feel good...

I am figuring this out

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Day 5!!


Breakfast this morning:  3 eggs and a lott of broccoli, some cranberry sauce.


Snack: Carrots and guacamole..(hitting the spot)


I want to go study outside by the pool so I am going to tan and read and stuff.. Im opting for a later lunch, because my snack felt really good...


Slept another 9.5 hours. I think my body is really repairing itself. Ive been getting that much sleep for the past week!  (except for sunday night..taht was a 4 hour night)..


planning on yoga this afternoon..grocery shopping..more studying..but relaxing definitely.


Mood check in: Feeling Chipper! Happy! 

MUCH more energy today

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@MR_Brian Thanks so much! I am very inspired by your success...I can't wait to see where I'll  be in a month, let alone 2 or 3. 




Breakfast: 3 eggs, steamed broccoli, cucumber spears, cinnamon/coconut butter pecans


Took a 1.5 hour regular Vinyasa class. Muscles kinda bonked mid-way so I took it easy. Sweat like CRASY!


Last night I did an hour on the elliptical at a low intensity (Literally, avg heart rate was around 130) So I don't think that should be harming anything. Still, thats as hard as I can go right now. 


Going to have lunch around 11:30, and then resume my studying by the pool/ organize a protest at my school. Hurrah! 

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Rather hungry at lunch, after that sweaty yoga class...


Lunch: 2 applegate hotdogs, cabbage and onions sauteed in coconut oil and curry sauce, roasted root vegetables, and cinnamon coconut pecans..Still feel a little hungry? Im not sure..maybe just tired, I need a nap.


As for the rest of the day, I am going to see if its warm enough to sit by the pool today. If not, Im going to nap and then find a place to do homework. Mostlikely dinner will be more cabbage? with chicken salad and small sweet potato instead of root veggies. Yep.

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Day 6 Check In


Sleep- ​didn't get so much last  night, only about 7 hours, and I woke up once in the middle of the night. Thats probably from exercising from 8-9, my cortisol levels may have been thrown out of wack from that. Ill see how easy napping is. Overall, 9 hours average

Cravings- not bad! I think my meals have been a little too low on fat. I stopped craving fruit and sugar today...Now I crave something satiating like protein. That is freedom. But, I do think about those coconut spears daily....That is my planned treat after 30 days, but I'm afraid (or not really afraid) that they will taste too sweet for me in January. 

Mental- Definitely an ON switch for the happier chemicals..I am less depressed. This may not be so food derived but habit derived; I can eat guilt, sadness, anxiety free now. I actually think about food less. So my emotional response to food is not triggered as much. I feel powerful. I feel more in control and that sense of self efficacy Melissa always talks about (which is a feeling I assume grows as you continue on with the program). I have clarity, I can be hopeful now that Ill reach my goals, which means I can support myself better and be kinder to myself. Because I am working TOWARDS something that I've wanted for a while; better health, less depression, more freedom, more me. 

Physical- Face puffiness: to a minimum. When Ive done whole30s in the past (meaning 7-8 days and then quitting) this is the first thing to happen (an indication of fluid loss and/or weight loss?) Either way, I love it. I feel more photogenic, I look like me again. I know that the first places I lose weight are my face, chest (and boobs, yes, boobs), and arms..then the thighs and butt. I know this from past experiences of losing weight. I feel smaller all over already though, and I don't know if thats placebo effect and me wanting that or not..But definitely my upper body is feeling lighter.  Also, MORE MOBILITY. took yoga today, felt stretchy (although my hips were hating me). I have more strength and flexibility in my hamstrings. Shoulder and armpit pain is still VERY present, but I'm working on that with deep tissue massage and foam rolling..

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Dinner: Sauteed Cabbage, Tomato Sauce, Onions with chicken salad, cinnamon pecans, and a grapefruit.


So, I am bored..Ive been bored..And so I turned to eat (RED FLAG RIGHT THERE)...drumroll please...the rest of those dried figs I "hid"...Yeah, don't feel great, and there are no more figs left. I'm trying to process this in a smart way. I just fed my sugar dragon a sugar bomb. 


But part of me doesn't think its just out of boredom.. I also had eaten a grapefruit, and maybe after, my thought process was that I wanted to see how much more "pleasure" I could get away with, since, I hadn't planned on eating the grapefruit. Because I had not planned this event, It became a free for all.. Which means that until I lock and load my habits (meaning truly getting after dinner not-eating policy into a happy, rewarding habit without grazing.. I need to plan ahead. I didn't prepare myself for having fruit after dinner, which felt like a treat, so I was in treat mode. I need to not reward myself with food AT ALL..I wasn't even hungry for the grapefruit (however, it did really satisfy a citrus bitter craving that I had, which is healthier than a sugar craving.) 


Maybe a good compromise is to say its optional to have half a grapefruit after a meal if I have that citrus fiend (which could be due to some sort of nutrient imbalance).


So I've unpacked that..I need to re-visualize what I want my daily practices about food need to be. I have not practiced or been well versed in moderation yet, or spontaneity, the ability to gauge on the spot if I can be satisfied with just a little of something, not the WHOLE of something. The success Ive had so far has come from being disciplined and prepared, planned. The whole30 has given me a healthy place to practice moderation...because the harm I did with figs is NOTHING to the harm in the past Ive done with chocolate, oreos, dried mango, ice cream, halloween candy, ETC. I can practice with training wheels, (Dried fruit, fruit, nuts in the form of deserts or snacks) are safe enough to experiment with, but don't keep me from falling off completely.


I hope I didn't give my system too hard of a shock. Time for some tea and some apple cider vinegar in water to help my digestion process all of this. 


So day 6 comes to a CLOSE. 

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List of things that make me feel great: Calling friends, reading Shambhala books, taking a walk, going to the gym (ehh). CALLING MY FRIENDS. ITS AN INCREDIBLE REVELATION! INSTANT MOOD LIFT! So blessed to have incredible friends

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Yeah ok pps. just ate another fruit..A persimmon..I was "hungry", craving a snack as something "to do" and "Cause i can get away with it."


Fruits are acting as my binge replacements. I had 4 servings of fruit today...so not a good day. On to tomorrow...

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This is helping me see the gaps in my emotional well being, for sure..I binge on whole30 compliant food, just because I feel trapped. This ALWAYS happens day 6-7 and this has in the past caused me to quit and give up. But, like I said, this time is different. And I reaffirm my goal for the next 3 weeks! 


no snacking, no eating after dinner, I know its a recipe for bingeing, having any of that admissible.


I will instead be aware of my emotions and not give in. If I begin to binge (even on root vegetables, etc) I know that it is always more beneficial to stop than to just say "what the heck" and do more damage. For some reason my brain doesn't get that yet.


They say it takes 21 days to build a habit. Ive got that time. This is my challenge in itself, to not break the rules above for my own health and happiness. Challenge accepted! 

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Keep up the good work - you have already come a long way - knowing how you are feeling when you are eating certain things ..or that you are eating too much of something.   I know it gets hard - but come on here and post - we all are here for support !!   Rant and rave and carry on - all you want to  !!

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