jcress Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 @Tina Marie Thank you! I trying to work this out once and for all.. Day 7 Breakfast: 3 eggs, cabbage and onions sautéed in coconut oil. This morning I am SUPER full...maybe has to do with all the extra eating I did yesterday...but I don't know, Im not usually this full this close to noon. Feeling kind of down on myself for yesterday..that shadowy guilt came back, as I knew it would. And a dying urge to binge on dried mango. To go walk my butt to trader joes and buy a bag..I already have the money ready. This is being completely honest. I just want to enjoy that! HOW PARADOXICAL IS THAT! I know the kind of psychological hold it has on me and that I need to break it..But I want to break that so bad. I know it will make me feel worse after. But I still want to. Are my habits self destructive, then, in a certain way? In the process of learning important info about myself I continue to want to do the exact thing causing the guilt in the first place. Its like I emotionally eat because I'm emotionally eating. Maybe thats the only trigger. I eat for "fun", then I eat because Im guilty about that, and then I eat more and then am guilty about that. I think I can see that my habits in themselves are the dangerous things to my mind, not anything extraneous. its just my relationship with food that causes me to over eat. In summary, I emotionally eat because I emotionally eat..does that make sense? On a completely different note I am SOO happy its day 7! SO MUCH BETTER than being at day 1..I think, because Ive been at day one so many times in the past year. To move past that is a real gift. So I am really proud of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 Avoiding guilt and inflammation is obviously not a strong enough barrier to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 Ok, please don't tell me Im stupid or illogical or all of that..I know.. but I ate the dried mango, and all of it. I am actually blogging as I spiral...this doesn't happen too often on this site! Normally people wait to finish spiraling to come forward with it on the forum. But nope, I can't lie to you guys. I can't lie and say I had a normal whole30 lunch because I didn't. I had dried mango.... Time to reconnect with my original intention of doing this whole thing, which is precisely because of foods like the mango. The no brakes mango. GRRR I'm mad at myself! I know I haven't eaten something not compliant, but I totally threw the meal planning guide out the window. I knew I was going to self sabotage, Ive done this every time Ive tried to do a whole30.. But like I said in my first post..THIS IS THE one I conquer. Because I learned about my relationship with fruit and sugar in any form, and have decided to take one more measure against it. agh anyone have any explanation? Because I sure don't. Something else is going on with me. I think maybe I got tired of focusing so hard on my new habits. Like, willpower. I was working from willpower. And that lasts only about a week for me, huh...Aha..so that means my perspective needs to change. I need to see these changes as my own, not as external things Im forcing upon myself, but organic means of feeding myself, so I feel like I have the energy to keep eating the way I really want to eat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 PICKING MYSELF UP RN..I AM GETTING OUT OF THIS NOW! I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO! I HAVE A DETAILED WRITING ACCOUNT OF A BINGE that will inform me forever. I am more determined than I was before..not just to make myself not feel as bad..but as a genuine challenge and power from my knowledge now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BevAnn Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 jcress, can you maybe you can go fruit free, for one day. Just one day. Just tomorrow. Don't worry about the next day, or day 20 or day 30...Just focus on getting through tomorrow with no fruit. That's all. Sun up to Sun down - no fruit. You can do this!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BevAnn Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 BTW, I am starting on my first round, Jan 1, and I could absolutely be posting exactly what you are!! Word for word!! We got this girl!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 @BevAnn Ahh that is an awesome perspective. If I can think about it that way, I can do it. Ahh January 1st is my Day 30! Its a wild ride! Im so glad you identify with what Im going through. Theres no rhyme or reason to how these sort of addictions work. And yes, we definitely got this, no matter how long it takes. Thanks for your support! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirkor Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 Holy crap girl, knock it off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 @Kirkor feelings are so strong and outdo thoughts in a moments notice! Such is the nature of a true addiction! Im telling myself to knock it off every day..your tough love adds humor to my pradicament.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 Day 7, roller coaster... I am coming down from my guilt trip. And entering the real world of health. I stayed with the template even with the binge. so Breakfast: grapefruit 3 eggs, cabbage and onions in coconut oil Lunch: A few carrots, a small sweet potato..a whole freaking bag of TJs dried mango....2 applegate sausages. Dinner: Chicken salad on a lot of greens, vinaigrette dressing. And Im done eating for the day. Its not as in debt as I'm grieving it to be. Plus I have to give myself props for making it this far anyway and staying committed. Tomorrow I start my no fruit whole30 and return back to no snacking-eating after dinner template. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 Wait, do I need to reset and start at day 0 again? I feel like that sugar bomb is totally going to ruin my results.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 UM, I feel extremely hopeful. I am too tired to go into it, but after what Ive just read, I have a lot of confidence in the next 23 days... More soon. Ahh relief! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Marie Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 JCress - chin up ! So when I get bored - I feel like you - I am checking the cupboards, the fridge over and over - I have a problem with boredom. So now I come on here and just write nonsense - if it stops me from senseless eating. You should be proud of yourself that you are AWARE of your Sugar Dragon..... it is fruit ! I am not a moderator - but I think you should BAN all Fruit.. until after your 30. I am just starting yoga - for my hips too ! I need to be more limber and strong ! You will see once you get over your Sugar Dragon - things will really change for you.! Hang in there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Aha! Bet you guys thought I fell off the wagon for sure! That I had quit, after those abominable last few days I had. No, no. I didn't. Im here, stronger than before. Had a GREAT day 8, (which I'm partially considering as day 1 just so I can see the effects of doing a better whole30 for the 30 days). Breakfast: 3 eggs, sautéed purple cabbage and onions in a bit of coconut oil. Lunch: Whole Bag of steamed cauliflower, 2 applegate hot dogs, a hard boiled egg, a small sweet potato, guac and carrots Snack: Hard Boild Egg Dinner: Roasted butternut squash with three boiled eggs (I know! So many eggs!) and mayo. I don't know if you can tell, but my mood is better than ever. I had african dance today and I DIDN'T ZONK! It didn't feel so painful. I actually had endurance! So despite what happened with all that fruit, I am still getting some benefits. But I think I'm beginning to understand: Read the book Brain Over Binge, (overnight basically) and watched this video to get a taste. I came across it in another thread and gave it a watch and OH MY GOD this is my story! Ever since Ive started bingeing, I have been down this long, dark spiritual path of self discovery and emotional turmoil, figuring out why I binge, over and over again for the past 9 months. And just helped me spiral deeper into my binges. This book rejects the theory that we binge for emotional problems, for low-self esteem, for a lack of spirituality. As I wrote a few posts ago, I came to the conclusion that I BINGE BECAUSE I BINGE! And that is precisely what the books says! Ive been trying to diet and get the weight off that has come on since the binges, but this only turns on a natural instinct in my brain that thinks its starving. And when its starving, it sends messages from your hypothalamus telling me (and then through my own thought voice) that I need to eat as much as I can and soon or I'll die. I binge because I can't resist the urge of my natural, understandable instinct. Thinking of the dichotomy between the lower brain that creates this profound urge (and cascade of negative thoughts and self-insults for me as well to coax me into bingeing), and the higher brain, the frontal lobe, the executive part, that controls all voluntary motor movements, helps me realize that I can just stop bingeing, any time. By listening to that voice from my animal, instinctual brain and letting it do its thing without using my muscles to do it, the habit stops being informed and I will lose the desire to give in to the binge as well as the urges in the first place. I.E.: I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY DAY 8 EVERYONE! This has already made an immediate change. Im empowered now. I can use mindfulness, because I have this power. I can respect my body and not beat myself up for not resisting a very natural reaction happening in my body. @Tina Marie, Your comment was so much help for me. As you can see, I just can't comprehend what came over me! Sugar dragon is the enemy for sure. I felt so awful about myself and that really helped pick me up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I'm guessing people got tired of reading my log! because my whole30 begun to get so irrational..aha..yes i know i know. But I'm an example of how we can actually understand what we previously don't. And I make mistakes without apologizing, that is how I learned the most valuable piece of information I could ever have in the last 9 months. Day 9 Breakfast: 3 eggs, curry sautéed cabbage and onions in a bit of coconut oil, butternut squash, lemon water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I'm kiiiind of considering yesterday to be day one..So this is day 9/day2. That would make January 8th to be my day 30. I weighed myself because I hadn't weighed myself before my whole30 and I wanted to have a before and after thing. 145.8 is that meaningless number. Lets see what happens. The sad thing for me is that, although the number on the scale doesn't mean anything in real life, in the dance world it does. Men have a much easier time lifting someone 115-120 compared to 145. My previous weight before I started bingeing was 118.. so I'm hoping to return there (or even just to be 125 again). (EVENTUALLY) My goal is to train back to my leaner weight by my 20th birthday, the 13th of May 2015. I think thats pretty realistic. Professional dance is kind of like a weight-class sport. So by taking december to sort out my eating habits, I have 5 straight months in 2015 of training and not-bingeing to to reach my goal. Is that reachable, you think? Im now emerging from these awful habits I've had, so I think nows the time I can make real strides. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I think I'm re sugar detoxing: no energy, super tired, low mood.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 Lunch: chicken salad over greens with butternut squash Dinner: 1 sweet potato, coconut butter, 2 Applegate sausages What a freaking day..day 9 comes to a close Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Marie Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Hang in there ! This too shall pass..... keep up with the program - and have faith in your self. I don't think it is so much about losing weight - but more of taking care of yourself. Start healing your body - inside out. Discover what triggers your bad eating habit. and Just to start to feel better. I didn't do this to lose weight (although I certainly need to ) my goal for myself is to get rid of excess swelling - Without Pills.. to get rid of the inflammation - Without Pills, and to stop taking pain meds. All of which has happened, during my 30 days. There was a week where everything hurt - my stomach, my feet, I had no appetite. but I trudged on and stayed compliant (didn't eat as much) but I stuck with it. You can do it too ! Keep posting - and we will keep supporting you !! sorry having some computer issues and I didn't realize you had posted more (because my computer didn't go to your last page) so this post may not be off any use to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 Day 10/Day3: Breakfast: was VERY hungry this morning so i had a big breakfast. today is my African dance day so I'm going to be extra fueled. 3 eggs, sautéed curry cabbage with onions and a bit of coconut oil, guacamole and carrots, butternut squash. Again, I intermittent fasted on accident. Is that ok? (as in 8/16 feeding period) @Tina Marie, I do want to think of this as a healing thing. And it so is. I just also have very vain goals that are important to my career, so I have to have a good balance between the two. I found my trigger for that bad eating habit, and thats virtually the huge barrier between me and my health. So its awesome, healing, and can get me where I want to go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 Lunch: Chicken salad with butternut squash, carrots, guac Dinner: Steamed broccoli, sweet potato, 3 applegate hot dogs Made more mayo.. AHH its so good! Its so creamy! I didn't fail! Ok so update for physical changes: I had energy to do an INTENSE african dance class, sprints to class, abs and arm work out for 25 minutes, and a 1.5 hr vinyasa flow class (that I took it relatively easy in) I haven't been feeling up to being this active for like 10 months! Oh my god! So awesome..lets see how my energy levels are tomorrow. I didn't plan doing these things I just realized they would feel good and went for them (besides african dance of course) My african dance final went AWESOME! So yes, things are happening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Marie Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 can I ask what vinyasa flow class is ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 @Tina Marie Its also called flow yoga, meaning it focuses on sun salutations. So its a little more aerobic than just hatha yoga or one focused on simply poses. heres a little info http://yoga.about.com/od/typesofyoga/a/vinyasa.htm Its my favorite kind of yoga because its challenging but relaxing at the same time. I always sweat like crazy! But I feel myself really relax! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 Goodmorning! Day 11/Day4 Breakfast: I sauteed Kale and purple cabbage with herbs de provence, and onion and a thumbs worth of coconut oil, added 3 eggs and made it "fried rice". I had a small little sweet potato, and put a small dollop of my mayo on top. This felt like a rather larger breakfast for me, and it was, because I think I didn't eat enough yesterday to support my level of activity, so I wanted to fill myself up better this time. I'm planning on doing Leg Day today, and possible a restorative yoga class and a 1 hr. walk on the treadmill (its raining buckets outside, can't do it outdoors.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcress Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 Also, I am going to focus on eating more fat, because I think I'm not eating enough. I just researched how reducing calories is not good for weight loss (ZING!!) Weightloss is ALL in the hormones, and I need to provide my body with enough fat to be the building blocks of those hormones. Insight! Never restricting again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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