No grapes for dinner

[littleg]

After 3 years of watching me eat paleo and do a W60 my husband did a W30 last spring with great success.  The not-so-whole-9-months since then have him back at square one.  So - irony of ironies - *he* wants to do another one and I'm going to try to go along for the ride.

 

Where I'm at today:

 

(the bad) my binge eating has been worse, I've essentially stopped eating "meals" and am eating mostly fruit, I have a MAJOR case of food-soothing-post-work going on

 

(the good) I'm doing crossfit 3-4 days a week, I'm getting 10000 steps a day most days, I'm still 90% W30 compliant in terms of food items - just not template (unless the template is 2 lbs of grapes for dinner)

 

I was really on the fence about doing this with him.  I really just don't want to.  In other words, my "addictive voice" (Brain Over Binge and Rational Recovery are the tools I've used when I've backslid) really doesn't want to.  Partly I'm lazy - W30 is a lot of prep.  Washing fruit is easy.  Partly working 12 hour shifts and bringing three meals is a pain.  Partly the highlight of my day is coming home from work and sitting down with that giant bowl of grapes.  

 

But I thought that with him doing a W30 and helping with the cooking (aka, I just bring left overs since 4 nights a week I'm not home for dinner anyway since I work until midnight) that I'd try.  

 

So here are my goals:

 

- I bring enough food (+ extra) with me to work.  And I DO NOT EAT when I get home.  Unless I have a meal.  But I will not come home to a fruit binge.

- I eat when I get up.  Every since I was a kid I've never had an appetite in the morning.  I usually eat my first meal around 2 PM.  This is for two reasons (1) rationalized reason: I've been like this forever (2) more truthful answer: I can "save" my calories for the post-work-day food soothe-fest.  

- the scale goes away

 

Thats it.  Changing to W30 compliant foods is not a change for me.  But I'd like to get a handle on the addictive behaviors of food being such a reward.   

 

So today was day 1 (or maybe a trial run, since I failed on Day 1 Meal 1  )

 

M1 fail, didn't eat.  Not hungry.  Run time got delayed because it was so cold.  Ran 3 miles, stopped at the park at did 15 pull ups, 45 pushups, 45 pistols in 3 sets.  

 

M2 (12:30): left over Asian burger, bowl of mashed kobucha squash, scoop of coconut milk, seltzer and tea

 

Snack (5:30): 3 crispy fried eggs.  5 carrots.  

 

M3 (7:00): left over Asian burger (today was T-1 for hubs, no food prepped - those 2 burgers were the last of the prepped protein in the house), pan fried broccoli, scoop of coconut milk, handful of strawberries, sliced red pepper, a few carrots while the burger heated up

 

No dessert, strawberries were on my dinner plate.  Having a cup of peppermint tea right now.  Not super hungry today which made it easier.  I think the fat helps too.  And that solidified coconut milk is really just like eating whipped cream  

 

Impressions today: day 1 is always easy 

 

[littleg]

 

 

M1 (75 minutes after waking up!) (9:30): 2 eggs, small piece steak, strawberries, kobucha and coconut milk

M2 (4 PM): 2 cans tuna, 1/2 avocado, on top of some taters roasted in a little lard, red pepper, raspberries with coconut milk

M3 (8:30 PM): left over beef with broccoli, sauteed zucchini, ginger kobucha squash with coconut milk

 

Satiated pretty much all day today.  I was so-not hungry getting home from work I wasn't sure if I had eaten 2 or 3 meals.  

 

Day 2 impressions: in the mood for fruit for dinner - mostly because I wasn't in the mood for "heavy food" but not in a compulsive way.  Overall, day 2 is never much harder than day 1

[Ann]

Do you just enjoy the scoop of coconut milk off the spoon, or do you add it to your food (like mixing it with your pan fried broccoli)? I've I used it in lots of recipes, but never actually had it just by itself.

[littleg]

I plop it on top of sort of sweet things - like kobucha squash, berries etc.  As you can see in the pics that I can now add because of your help

[Ann]

Not to exhaust a topic here, but what brand do you like best?   I've used mostly Thai Kitchen, but have also had WholeFoods 365, and Chaokoh ... but since I've only mixed it into recipes, I'm not sure which one tastes best right out of the can... ??

[littleg]

I buy Aroy-D coconut cream (70% coconut, 30% water).  I get it at the local Asian supermarket.  Its $2 for a 20 oz can  I try my best to always keep some in the pantry to "settle" which allows the cream to rise and the liquid to settle on the bottom.  When I open it its thick on top.  I'll usually pour out the liquid part.  I weighed it the other day out of curiosity and I got ~50g of liquid and 525 of thick cream - so not too mush waste at all.  I used to just buy the Aroy-D coconut milk (60/40) and it was pretty much the same - totally thick on top and minimal liquid but now it won't solidify even in the fridge.  They must have changed the concentration or something... Putting it in the fridge firms it up more.  Looks like coolwhip out of the fridge...

 

 

 

[kirkor]

Do you just enjoy the scoop of coconut milk off the spoon, or do you add it to your food (like mixing it with your pan fried broccoli)? I've I used it in lots of recipes, but never actually had it just by itself.

 

I often eat it out of the can with a spoon (or finger, whatever )

[littleg]

Pre WOD (1 hr after waking up, so did not feel like eating): 2 HB eggs, little ghee, black coffee

 

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Ended up getting my period this AM.  Should have known no appetite was too good to be true  By the time we got to xfit I felt awful and just wanted to come home and crawl into bed with my heating pad.  But I stayed and did the WOD.  It was a good one.  There were 75 reps of shoulder to overhead in it and I really wanted to just go lighter because the Rx 80lbs felt so heavy at first.  Hubs convinced me to just start with that weight and strip plates if I needed to.  It was a partner wod and he *may* have done a few more of the 150 reps than me for the S-to-OH but I did 65 of my 75 reps.  Glad I stuck it out.  Boogied out of there quick though because the monthly gift of GI upset + cramps meant I needed to get home.  Ate a few bites of squash when I got home - felt entirely too awful to eat more.  2 aleve, a hot shower and my heating pad and things will be ok soon.  

 

M1 - 1:30 - leftover steak, greens, carrot, 3 clementines, squash and coconut milk, 2 mugs peppermint tea

M2 - 7 PM - munched on carrots while cooking.  Dinner was beef chili with some oven baked potato chips for scooping, sauteed zucchini and a side of sliced pepper and carrots with some guac (~1/2 avocado)

          

[littleg]

Day 4

 

I woke up puffy this morning.  

 

Kill all things in beast mode.  I have 4 days off for the first time since July and we had an ice storm.  So the 3 days up north for hiking and a moonlight ski were cancelled.  Now its too gross to even go for a run.  Grumble grumble.  

 

Hubs and I made a mess in the kitchen this AM trying to prep for next week and it got us like 3 meals.  I forgot how much time and how much of a mess W30 can make.  Oatmeal and grapes sure was easier...  not to mention much less expensive.

8:30 - Out of bed

 

M1 - 9:15: 2 HB eggs, scoop of coconut milk.  Was supposed to be pre-run but now I'm not running since I'm in such a bad mood... maybe I'll go before lunch.  The choice is between running now in 35 degree rain or waiting for the rain to stop and the 20+ mph winds to come in.

 

2 PM - going for a run.  Still drizzling.  I'm actually driving 1.5 miles to the local university to run since the roads are full of slush and since the kids are on break I can run in the *middle* of their roads and avoid the ankle deep slush.  Oh well - hoping I feel a little better when I'm done - I want these grumpy pants off!  

 

Made it back from my run.  Legs felt dead.  3.1 miles, 9 minute pace.  I felt slooooooooooow.  

 

M2 - 3:30: Starving.  2 fried eggs, left over steak, kobucha and coconut milk, strawberries.  Not full but wanted to wait to just eat dinner.  

 

 

Holdover til M3 - Kombucha

 

M3 - 7 PM: Munched on 2 carrots and snap peas while cooking.  Favorite ever... orange chicken ( - chili sauce, + sesame oil) with broccoli.  Kobucha and coconut milk.  Went back for seconds on the squash and coconut, still hungry.

 

 

Hubs has been in a terrible mood for 2 days.  He wants to bail if tomorrow doesn't improve.  Fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day.

 

 

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[littleg]

Slept until 8ish.  Not a great sleep.  When my husband does the W30 he suddenly starts falling asleep at 8PM and sleeping 10 hours like a log - I'm the opposite.  I feel almost too energetic.  

 

M1: 9:15 - breakfast bake (sweet potato, breakfast sausage, spinach, onions, eggs) + coconut milk on top.  And one lone strawberry that literally fell out of the refrigerator

 

 

Lunch was a huge bed of greens (yes, that is the salad *serving* bowl) topped with 1 red pepper and a few strawberries and some oil and vinegar.  Meatloaf and kobucha squash.  I had a recipe from Cooking Light that I made years ago for meatloaf muffins.  I followed it as close as I could making my own ketchup.  I made 3 loaves instead of muffins and made 2 and then added coconut flour to the third to see if it helped.  I couldn't tell a difference (half of each type is pictured).  So next time, no coconut flour.  

 

Dinner was leftover chili, moroccan roasted cauli and carrots with coconut milk and a whole grapefruit.  

 

 

[littleg]

I watched Fed Up last night.  They profiled a few kiddos in their early teens who are severely overweight.  These kids (and their parents) were trying so hard to "eat better" by buying light hot pockets and special K crackers... Not surprisingly the weight wasn't coming off (it was so sad to watch these kids cry about their weight and their frustrations with the scale not budging) .  Overall the movie did a decent job demonizing the food industry for their lobbying pressures that keep schools and shelves full of their "food products" versus "real food" but I was definitely hoping for a bit more about how real food CAN work to make people healthier with some evidence that it DOES work.  

 

This movie did get me all worked up again about how much of a fight it has to be to eat whole foods.  Everywhere you turn you have to say no to candy bars and chips, etc (does there have to be a soda machine and a snack machine in the parking garage of the hospital?).  Eating out is an issue because they are using oils from things that were never really meant to be turned into oil.  Your friends and family think of you as on "some diet" and "always not eating or drinking" when they are... It just strikes me as ironic that eating real food has become such an oddity.  

[littleg]

Day 6

 

Casserole with coconut milk and black coffee for brekky. 

 

 

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Took monster #1 for a walk.  Stumbled onto a new trail I haven't seen before and ended up being out for almost an hour.

 

 

   

 

 

 

Lunch was meatloaf, kobucha and coconut cream

 

4 PM WOD - 7 EMOM 1 clean, 1 jerk x 2 - used 95.  100 felt much more than 5 lbs heavier... PRed at Jackie (1000m row, 50 Thrusters, 30 pull ups) by 2+ minutes but I think every other time I've used 45lbs and today the women's weight was 35 lbs... so I'm not sure its legit.  Knocked out my first 10 pull ups in a row though which was good.  Went 7,6,7 to finish.    

 

M3 - 6:30 - orange chicken with broccoli, kobucha and coconut cream.  Still hungry - ate some Moroccan veggies... with more coconut cream    Ate 4 strawberries after doing the dishes - don't want them to go bad!

 

 

[littleg]

So far sleeping has been going better this time around.  Last W30 I was popping out of bed at 5 AM with no alarm - which wasn't too bad since I had to leave for work between 6:30 and 7:30.  Now I'm working evenings though and do NOT want to be getting up at 5 AM  I've actually been off my evening schedule since 12/30 and today is my first day back on it... definitely nervous about how loudly the post-work-fruit-soothe will be calling my name...  

[littleg]

So... Day 7 was an epic failure.  It was my first day back working evenings and even after 6 days of no binge urges and being content to stop eating after dinner... not so much last night.  

 

8:30 AM M1 - starchless casserole - 8 eggs, 1 lb sausage spinach, onions, green beans - I get 4 meals out of it + coconut milk and black coffee

 

12 PM WOD, bench press - 85x8, 80x10, 75x12, then a double under snatch metcon

 

2:30 M2 - kalua pork (nomnompaleo's recipe - it was ok, didn't love it - but it is easy to make!), kobucha and coconut milk, few strawberries

 

7 PM - snack, apple 

 

9 PM - M3 - snap peas, turkey burger, moroccan veggies with coconut milk

 

I left work at 12:30 AM (an hour late, after a very frustrating shift) and came home and ate:

 

~1 cup raisins, 1 lara bar (with a little coconut milk), 2 apples, 5 clementines

 

Ugh.  I was legitimately hungry when I came home.  But I know that a meal will set me up to binge just as bad as some fruit - once food starts going in, it just doesn't stop.  I feel so helpless.  

[kirkor]

Remind yourself of why you're doing this.

You know what you need to do differently next time. As Jim Rohn said, "Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment."

[littleg]

Tonight I came home and had a cup of magnesium and came right up stairs.  A habit is broken one action at a time, right?

[littleg]

Day 8

 

Skipped M1, combination of penance and lack of hunger.

 

Noon WOD.  PRed my deadlift at 225 lbs.  22 minute metcon that included 45 toes to bar and 30 pull ups - very glad no xfit for 2 days.  I'm sore.  

 

1:45 M2 - 1/4 breakfast casserole and coconut milk.  

 

 

 

8 PM M3 - turkey burger, moroccan veggies with coconut milk, snap peas

 

Left work at midnight and ate 2 HB eggs on my way out.

 

Home, tucked into bed.  This may honestly be the very first time I have come home from work at midnight and not eaten something.  

 

I've reread some rational recovery and BOB and have reminded myself of the self-talk I need to combat this.  Hope tomorrow can be as successful.

[littleg]

Day 9

 

Woke up around 9.  Black coffee.

 

M1 10 AM - breakfast casserole, coconut milk, strawberries

 

 

 

Went to work at 11

 

M2 - 4ish - kalua pork, kobucha squash, coconut milk, grapefruit

 

 

M3 -  8ish - asian turkey burger, moroccan veggies, coconut milk, snap peas

 

 

Had a wonderful shift at work.  Tucked into bed by midnight.  Came straight upstairs tonight, had my magnesium at the hospital.  Feeling a little of that low carb energy though.  I like M1 to be protein and fat because I'm not really in the mood for starch at that hour but I may need to add more in.  

[littleg]

Day 10

 

Woke up early at 8 AM  Not hungry but wanted to stick to the rules... ate 2 HB eggs and my gelatin "gummy" (=1 tbsp gelatin and maybe 1-2 tbsp grape juice)

+ black coffee

 

10:15 - M1 - casserole with strawberries

 

3:30 - M2 - orange chicken with broccoli over sweet potato noodles, coconut milk

 

Kombucha on my way home from work

 

8 PM - M3 - pork, Moroccan veggies, kobucha squash, coconut milk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[littleg]

Day 11

 

Got out of work early last night and so I ate dinner at home.  No snacking after dinner

 

Woke up at 7AM today.  Grumble.  Thought I might be able to get back to sleep but no such luck.  I think I did fall asleep around 11 though so I guess it might have been a decent amount of sleep.  Feeling really tired today though.

 

M1 - 8:15 - last of the meatloaf (I had frozen it - what a nice thing to have ready made protein in the freezer - gotta do more of this!) with 2 crispy fried eggs.  Strawberries and coconut cream.  Plus a lot of coffee.  I am so stuffed right now.  I wasn't hungry again but I'm really working on this eat-within-an-hour-of-rising thing though because I think it does help with late night hunger (both physiologically and psychologically since I'm not "saving" my calories).  

 

 

 

I was hoping to go hiking today but I'm so sleepy I'm not in the mood now.  Plus its gray out.  I want to see some sun!

 

Finally got myself out the door around 1 to the gym.  1 mile run there, barbell complex:

high hang sq. cl, hang sq cl, sq cl - push press

high hang sq. cl, hang sq cl, sq cl - push jerk

high hang sq. cl, hang sq cl, sq cl - split jerk

 

Did 55, 65, 75, 85 and finally got to 95.  I've never been able to do the split jerk for 95

 

Then 50 burpees for time with 5 100lb front squats on the minute (from the ground, not a rack).  Took me either 6 or 7 minutes.  Forgot my time.  

 

Run 1 mile home.  Felt much harder than the way there.  

 

I'm eating M2 now at 3:52... oops.  Out of food too.  Scavenged together:

 

Big salad with last of the Moroccan veggies, can of tuna, 1/2 orange pepper, few carrots and a HB egg with a little oil and vinegar.  Kobucha with coconut cream on the side.

 

 

 

Dinner was orange beef with garlic zucchini.  And kobucha with coconut milk.  

 

 

[littleg]

Day 12

 

Bad heartburn last night.  Woke up this morning looking like I swallowed a basketball.  Luckily just the smell of coffee got things moving and I'm feeling better now.  Not sure what didn't agree with me.  It started right after the tuna yesterday.

 

Slept until 8.  Well, up at 5, 6, 7 and then 8  But I think I did really fall back asleep in between.

 

M1 at 8:30 - breakfast casserole (no starch) with coconut milk and some yellow pepper on top since I forgot to add it before cooking and some strawberries.  

 

 

 

Noon crossfit 3x8 Fr squat @130.  Open 11.5.  Did 85 for the cleans.

 

Met a friend after the WOD and had 1/2 sweet potato and a kombucha.  Munched on carrots driving home.

 

4 PM - M2 - sort of, just needed to eat something.  1 can sardines with some kobucha and coconut cream.  No picture.  Too gross  Tasted ok though.  

 

Since no food magically appeared between 4 PM and dinner time dinner was... more sardines.  Grapefruit appetizer, salad with 1 can sardines, 2 HB eggs, 1/2 pepper, 2 clementines, drizzle oil and vinegar, kobucha with coconut milk x2 (went for seconds), tea after dinner.  

 

 

Overall today  - probably low on protein.  Definitely did not really *enjoy* meal 2 and 3 today BUT the fact that that did NOT trigger a binge (or really even an urge for one) was great.  Enjoying food is a biggie for me - when I don't like what I'm eating that totally gets the binge urge going.  So, small victory.  

[littleg]

Day 13

 

Woke up at 7:40.  Fell asleep early last night too, probably by 9.  It would be wonderful if the low carb energy is over.  I don't enjoy the feeling and think that it probably isn't good for me since I think the energy is driven by a stress response.  But I don't know.  

 

8:40.  M1 - just in time   No starch casserole with coconut cream and strawberries.  

 

 

 

 

M2 - 2PM - Asian turkey burger, kobucha, coconut cream, Moroccan veggies

 

 

Snack - apple - feeling hungry today.  

 

M3 - eaten in bites between 7:30 and 9... snap peas, orange chicken, sweet potato noodles, broccoli, grapefruit.

 

Snack - 10ish - 2 HB eggs.  

 

Never really felt satiated yesterday after lunch.  Not sure why.  

[littleg]

Two weeks in.  Feeling pretty good.  Last night was a small victory at work.  I never really got full after lunch - I don't know if its the ED or some legit physiological "thing" but when I'm not satisfied after a meal I find that I'm just hungry and munchy all day.  So on my way to work sort of hungry after lunch I knew I may have some trouble.  I ended up buying an apple but when I was really munchy at 10:30 I reminded myself that *tomorrow* I get to eat a delicious breakfast.  Its ok to be a little hungry right now.  Its not forever.  Right now I do NOT binge and I do NOT eat 48,000 apples when I get home from work.  And... it worked.  I made my magnesium at work, got home and went straight to bed.  Last year when I started the W30 I was eating 100g of chocolate each night (those baking size bars) and the thought of never eating chocolate again was unfathomable to me.  Its been almost a year now and I have not eaten chocolate for dessert (in that way) once.  I've had some binges that included chocolate but honestly - and I can't believe I'm saying this - I don't miss it much.  And this last week or so... I'm actually looking forward to breakfast.  At night when the binge urge rumbles I can fight it more because I WANT to eat breakfast.  I've never been a breakfast eater.  Even as a kid, it drove my mom nuts that I just wouldn't eat before school  And when I eat breakfast I eat better all day and binge less.  So if this habit is as successful as the chocolate one - well that would be great.  

[littleg]

Day 14

 

8 AM awake - grumble.  Bad sleep.

 

M1 - 9:15 (a little late) Burger with fried egg and strawberries with coconut cream.  Yummo.

 

 

 

Kombucha while food shopping.  

 

Noon - xfit - PR'd my deadlift at 235 lbs!  Yeah  Then did 30 snatches for time in 1:50 which was a 45 s PR (I went light - only 55 lbs).  

 

M2 - 2 PM - ~3 drumsticks worth of meat, no skin, kobucha with coconut cream and Moroccan veggies.  

 

 

M3 - 8ish - orange chicken, sweet potato noodles, broccoli, coconut cream with a red pepper and a grapefruit on the side.

 

 

Still hungry.  Got an apple from the cafeteria.

 

Got out of work on time.  Took melatonin just before leaving.  Came home and did NOT eat (I was hungry) and stayed off the computer too to see if no-eletronics-before-bed helps with the poor sleep.  Woke up twice overnight and was awake by 7AM.  According to my Misfit I got 4 hrs of restful sleep.  

[littleg]

Day 15

 

Since I woke up early I decided to be a little productive.  Roasting another kobucha squash and some of Mel's spiced squash.  But I was super lazy - I used frozen butternut, 1 egg and ginger  For some reason the 1 serving of chicken I've got left from the orange chicken is pretty small so the egg in there will bulk up the protein.  

 

So, today makes 7 days of not eating after dinner.  Even with a few shifts until midnight... Last night I was hungry and had to really make a choice NOT to eat.  Its not a gnawing hunger but its there.  I did wake up starving this AM.  Time to go make my burger and eggs!

 

M1 - 8:45

 

2 eggs, burger, red pepper, 2 clementines, handful of strawberries with coconut cream

 

 

 

M2 - 4 PM.  Starving.  Work was crazy.  I ate my snack (left over orange chicken) and my lunch (shredded drumsticks, Moroccan veggies, coconut cream, snap peas).  Still hungry.  Got an apple.  

 

M3 - 10:30 PM.  Work got crazier.  Turkey burger, rest of the bag of snap peas, small sweet potato, sliced yellow pepper.  

 

On my way home from work I was hungry and stressed.  I tried to buy a kombucha but I got there at 00:04 and they closed at midnight.  So...my streak of not eating after work ended.  BUT it was not the worst ever.  The huge kobucha squash I roasted was still sitting out on the stove when I got home and I ate almost 1/2 of it with coconut cream.  I wasn't rooting through the cabinets though (there is nothing there anyway...).  

 

I did sleep pretty well though  And woke up with a temp of 98.3 which is super high for me.  I'm usually <97.