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Trying to figure out what life after whole30 will be


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So my husband and I are on day 21 and we apparently have completely different ideas as to what we'll be eating after the 30 days are up. I want to continue and only have off plan things on special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, dinners parties, etc) and he wants to have pasta up to 3 times a week and if he wants something, to have it, not worry about whether it's good for him or not. I'm the one who cooks, shops, and meal plans so it's easy enough for me to just get what I want to get and that be that, but I do want to take his opinions into account.

What's really not helping though is that neither of us is really seeing much difference to before- we slept well, had no digestive issues, had no health issues, had no real weight issues. So really nothing has changed other than, to his thinking, for the worse (the week of diarrhea, the first few days of headaches, the extra cooking, extra cost, having to turn down things he wants, etc) so he doesn't see why we should continue. He's also started arguing that this much meat isn't healthy and that rice is perfectly fine, look at the Japanese, etc.

I'm curious what others have done in this situation? I really don't want to go back to the way I was eating before.

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First, a gentle reminder that it's a 30 day program: you've still got 9 days left.  http://whole30.com/2014/01/whole30-tough-love/

 

Give the program at least a full 30 days to determine whether you notice more differences.  Reintroductions can be instructive as well.

 

I'm curious: why did you and your husband embark on this program if you previously had no digestive, health or weight issues. What were you each looking to get from a Whole30?

 

Your next steps are to decide whether to do reintroductions when you're done, either by following the suggested protocol or doing a more slow roll reintroduction. This is all part of deciding how you want to ride your bike, going forward.  In fact, your husband may want to reintroduce pasta one day (as part of a gluten reintro day) and rice another day (as part of non gluten grain reintro day) and see whether he has any reactions.  Then, he can make an informed decision as to whether eating pasta or rice is worth it for him.  If you want to keep eating the same way, then maybe you only do reintroductions on food groups you're curious about.

 

Does you have a copy of It Starts with Food?  That has a lot on information on the science behind why certain foods are eliminated and allowed. Your husband might find it interesting, if he's open to it. If not, him doing reintroductions may be enough of an experiment for him.


 

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If often takes a health crisis before someone comes to the crossroads of change.  Was he on board with the Whole 30 in the beginning?  A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.  It makes all of the difference in the world if someone wants health as a priority over falling back into bowls of pasta and bread.

 

It's human nature to want the SAD that we've become accustomed to and kick against change.  We all have to work within our own limitations.   Congratulations to you on working through the Whole 30.  So much of this is mental:  how we think about food, approach it and process how we will continue on.

 

I wouldn't press him any further now.  It might trigger a bunch of secret eating when you're not around.

I'm the only one in my family that's  following Whole 30 template.   I keep my mouth shut and it's a judgment free zone.   It shouldn't take a health crisis to make a change but humans are hard-headed.

 

Since you're the Chief Cook and shopper, it puts you a tight corner when he'll want you to prepare pasta 3 X week.   That's going to test you...body, mind and spirit.  Keep leading by example with kindness and understanding until he embraces his own health as a priority.    Your progress will be a major achievement that no one can deny.   Hang tough, it will get better.   

 

Everyone poo-pooed me when I started but several have jumped on-board.   Keep placing your own health as a priority without any complaint or saying one word to others about the pasta feasts.  Stay in your own lane and eat your whole foods.   One day, your determination will catch on like a wild fire.  No one will poo-poo your inspiration to family and others.

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We really did it to reset our eating habits. We were having loads of sweets and chips and just junk and we knew we needed to change. Of course my sweet well meaning husband says that before he met me he didn't eat any of those things- yeah neither did I, but I don't feel the need to point that out to him. He honestly doesn't think there's anything wrong with the way he eats, and I think he mostly agreed to do whole 30 with me because he wants me to lose a bit of weight ( I've put on 15lbs since we met, that I haven't been too concerned about but which bothers him. Anyway, we've agreed to both finish the whole30 since we committed to it and then we'll go from there.

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Oh and yes I have it starts with food. I read it but DH only read chapter 17 I think it was. I did read him the little bit about why rice isn't good, but it doesn't seem to have settled it. He said today that it's just "their opinion " and that everything else says that rice is one of the healthiest foods available. At that point I think he was just coming up with whatever in the heat of the argument and I don't think he truly believes it, he was just saying to counter the whole30.

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When I did my first Whole 30 my husband did it along with me, he read ISWF cover to cover and then listened to it on his Kindle.. we had done Paleo and Primal and Traditional foods (soaking grains and traditional preps for issue causing foods) so he had a pretty good idea about what was coming up. However, before we did Whole 30, he didn't see the issue of having an AM/PM gas station burger and called it his 20% off Paleo, still ate pizza and pasta and other junk, but he was good for his whole 30. The first week was really hard on him, since he was used to eating sandwiches and what not, so he did have a period of adjustment, but once he got past that, he was doing good. We got down to where you are now and he really started grousing about wanting to eat 'regular' food and when we started our re-introduction, he went CRAZY with eating everything bad thing he could get his hands on and called it his re-introduction. Well, he ended up paying for it with a lot of stomach issues *cough* and has since settled into a Primal-esque diet. He does have heavy cream in his coffee, and will have rice from time to time, but I would say he is probably 85-90% clean. He is a big boy and I know he occasionally gets bagels when he is at work, but he does pay for it after! I am chief cook and shopper and I do pack his breakfast and lunch (he is a local delivery semi driver) so he is pretty stuck with what I make! 

 

Give it the last 9 days, and do a good re-intro and it might change your minds! I don't recommend my husband's re intro.  

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Your husband sounds a lot like mine. He really wants a huge pizza and to go out to eat (junk) to celebrate finishing whole 30 and I'm just sitting here going "well what was the point of even doing it if we aren't going to learn and continue with it?!? "

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My husband bailed 10 days in.  I think he was expecting me to just go back to eating more-or-less like I used to when I finished my 30 days...but I "finished" over a week ago, and while I did try dairy (and failed!), I haven't "officially" reintroed anything else.  We did go out to dinner last weekend and I didn't stress too hard about every last ingredient, and I had some hard cider this weekend.  But otherwise, I'm pretty much eating as clean as I was 2 weeks ago and I feel so great I really see no reason to stop.

 

If he wants to go off the rails, that's his choice.  But it is *your* choice to continue to eat in the manner that makes you feel the best.

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So my husband and I are on day 21 and we apparently have completely different ideas as to what we'll be eating after the 30 days are up. I want to continue and only have off plan things on special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, dinners parties, etc) and he wants to have pasta up to 3 times a week and if he wants something, to have it, not worry about whether it's good for him or not. I'm the one who cooks, shops, and meal plans so it's easy enough for me to just get what I want to get and that be that, but I do want to take his opinions into account.

Would making him pasta be that big a deal?  Unless you're making the pasta from scratch, you just boil water and toss the pasta in.  My SO was not up for actually sticking with the Whole30, but it's never seemed like a problem to me to do something easy for him to replace the part of a meal he doesn't like.  If I'm making meat sauce and I have mine over spaghetti squash, I boil some spaghetti for him.  When I made chocolate chili and I had mine over veggies, I tossed some brown rice in the rice cooker for him. 

I actually started doing this long before I ever even heard of the Whole30, my SO is just not so fond of most vegetables.  I've been known to plan vegetables he can't stand the smell of for times when he's traveling for work.  :lol:  

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Maggie - no its not a big deal to boil him some pasta, but when I say pasta I don't just mean the noodles. I mean the cream sauce, the cheese, everything that goes with it (or used to) as a meal in our house. That's what he wants. And I'm not necessarily up for making him a completely separate meal.

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Maggie - no its not a big deal to boil him some pasta, but when I say pasta I don't just mean the noodles. I mean the cream sauce, the cheese, everything that goes with it (or used to) as a meal in our house. That's what he wants. And I'm not necessarily up for making him a completely separate meal.

I've grated some cheese onto SO's food fairly frequently through my Whole30. 

Is this totally incomparable?  The idea of cream being central to a dinner is honestly pretty foreign to me, so I don't have a good mental picture of what defines these meals as a whole, or whether they could be tweaked in a way you could both live with. 

 

Is he expecting you to make cream sauce specifically?  As opposed to tomato sauce, or some paleo equivalent of a cream sauce?

If it must be a real cream sauce, is there a freezer-friendly recipe that you could you occasionally make up a big batch of  to divide into small containers and toss into the freezer? That way he could get his cream sauce fix without you actually having to cook a separate meal on a regular basis?  And for that matter, you could do the same for yourself, so that you could sometimes cook his favorite meals while still having something easy in reserve for yourself.  That would still essentially be cooking separate meals, but you wouldn't have to routinely actually be cooking multiple dinners for one evening. 

 

If you're not feeling any different (assuming that you don't notice any improvements through the rest of your Whole30,) and didn't have health problems prior to starting, why is it that you don't want to go through with reintroduction and resume eating at least some of the things that don't give you any problems when you reintroduce them?

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Maggie - no its not a big deal to boil him some pasta, but when I say pasta I don't just mean the noodles. I mean the cream sauce, the cheese, everything that goes with it (or used to) as a meal in our house. That's what he wants. And I'm not necessarily up for making him a completely separate meal.

Understood and appreciated.  Back in the old days, many a Whole 30 member had to start over for taste testing a noodle while trying to fix dinner for the family.  Add that cheese/cream sauce in the mix and zowsa, that's a test for the best of us.

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This is something my husband and I have struggled with as well. I have Celiac's so our home is gluten free (except his girl scout cookies and flour tortillas) as is what I cook. We've worked it out so that:

 

- he keeps lunch food at work in his office, none of which is gluten free or anything but SAD. I honestly shudder to think of it.

- dinner at home needs CARBS. I am fine without it but he isn't. So potatoes, sweet potatoes, rice, or gluten free bread. I eat maybe 1/3 as much of the carbs as he does usually (except yesterdat/today since I had surgery yesterday and didn't eat until dinnertime due to stupid no eating after midnight the day before even though I didn't show until 11:30 and the OR was behind for two hours and just...aargh overall).

- we keep dessert in the house though, again, I eat it much less than he does and only if he offers and I actually want it, I often shock him by saying no.

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I'm not nearly as accommodating to my husband at meals. If he wants something different, he knows where the kitchen is, or where the Chipotle is. That is to say, I don't purposely cook dinner full of items I know he dislikes (mushrooms, avocados, etc), but that's different than making two separate meals.

 

He isn't doing whole30, but he's eaten the same exact food as me for weekend breakfasts and dinners this entire time, and 99% of the time normally, as long as  he doesn't have to cook himself dinner, he's cool with whatever I dream up.

 

...I may have inherited my grandma's "this kitchen is not a restaurant" mentality.

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I don't cook separate meals either. I don't cook them for my kids and I certainly won't cook them for my husband! He's done three whole 30s with me and is happy with the food I prepare for us. We eat largely w30 compliant meals all the time. I try to encourage him to think about his food choices all the time but when we are not w30ing he is free to have a glass of wine or a beer, if we eat out he can choose what he likes, he sometimes eats business buffet lunches or has a bacon sandwich or a muffin at work. I may so some paleo baking or make a dessert and I don't cook stuff I know he hates but there's plenty of space in his life for off roading without me cooking him special dinners!!

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It just seems silly to make 2 separate dinners for 2 adults. Especially since he has said more than once that he's happy with our meals on whole30. I'm really thinking/hoping the other days crabbiness was just frustration at not being able to have a stupid piece of cake and sugar in his coffee than actual upset.

As for why should I not just go back to regular meals after whole30 if what we were eating before wasn't causing any issues - I still believe that what we're eating on whole30 is healthier, and even if we weren't having any obvious issues with food before it could still catch up with us one day. I've agreed to reintroduce everything, so that if it comes up later I can eat or not eat it knowing what will happen and as a couple we've agreed to stick to the same sorts of meals and only keeping compliant foods in the house though if he wants chips at work he's free to keep them there.

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I'm not nearly as accommodating to my husband at meals. If he wants something different, he knows where the kitchen is, or where the Chipotle is. 

 

...I may have inherited my grandma's "this kitchen is not a restaurant" mentality.

 

This was my mentality as I was reading all of these comments. Granted, I am not married nor do I live with a significant other (anymore), so I guess I can't fully relate. But when my ex and I lived together, there were plenty of times that the two of us cooked separate meals simultaneously. I never believed it was my responsibility to cook every meal, and neither did he. We often cooked together. My opinion is, if you are cooking a meal, he has two options: 1) eat it, or 2) cook himself something else.

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My hubby eats what I cook also and I do try to make sure that there aren't too many meals that have things he doesn't like....although he will eat even the things he doesn't like as long as it's not too often.  In order to make sure he gets as much "off roading" as he likes and so that I get a break from being responsible for dreaming up dinner, I take two nights off per week; Chef's Night Off.  He can order in, take out, have leftovers, starve, make a smoothie, whatever he wants to do, he's responsible for himself.  That works well for us.

 

(I learned the "night off" concept growing up. My mom was a single mom and every Friday night was "Fend For Yourself" and I think Thursdays were "Breakfast for Dinner" but we had to make it for ourselves.  She was probably maxed!)

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Ladyshanny, that's me too! Tonight I've got a conference call at work with our overseas branch that won't start until 6:30pm, and I won't be home to make us dinner at the time he'll want to eat at, so I usually say something like "go get yourself Five Guys" or whatever food I know already that doesn't fare well for me... that way he doesn't suggest it on days that I am home.

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(I learned the "night off" concept growing up. My mom was a single mom and every Friday night was "Fend For Yourself" and I think Thursdays were "Breakfast for Dinner" but we had to make it for ourselves.  She was probably maxed!)

One time when I was a kid, we had just ears of corn for dinner. Like, a huge stock pot full of boiled corn (we cut the ears in half). I was skeptical but my mom AND grama both swore up and down that it was "a thing" and I was the weird one for thinking it was weird.

Yeahhh, I brought it up years later and turns out they were both blowing smoke and we were just going through a hard time with money. But we had a good laugh when I got to play the "I KNEW that wasn't a real dinner!!" card. :) :)

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My hubby eats what I cook also and I do try to make sure that there aren't too many meals that have things he doesn't like....although he will eat even the things he doesn't like as long as it's not too often.  In order to make sure he gets as much "off roading" as he likes and so that I get a break from being responsible for dreaming up dinner, I take two nights off per week; Chef's Night Off.  He can order in, take out, have leftovers, starve, make a smoothie, whatever he wants to do, he's responsible for himself.  That works well for us.

 

(I learned the "night off" concept growing up. My mom was a single mom and every Friday night was "Fend For Yourself" and I think Thursdays were "Breakfast for Dinner" but we had to make it for ourselves.  She was probably maxed!)

 I do this!! My kids have to make their own dinner once a week.  My daughter is a cracking little chef but my son will live on canned macaroni cheese forever I think :huh: 

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One time when I was a kid, we had just ears of corn for dinner. Like, a huge stock pot full of boiled corn (we cut the ears in half). I was skeptical but my mom AND grama both swore up and down that it was "a thing" and I was the weird one for thinking it was weird.

Yeahhh, I brought it up years later and turns out they were both blowing smoke and we were just going through a hard time with money. But we had a good laugh when I got to play the "I KNEW that wasn't a real dinner!!" card. :) :)

Kikor - we did this too in my house. Except my mom would do this because she didn't know what else to cook.  Her "didn't know what to make" meal was usually corn in the summer and pancakes for dinner were her go to in the cooler months(Dutch style pancakes - which are kind of like crepes)

 

I landed up hating corn because of these meals.  I knew corn disagreed with me already at a very young age....

And the pancakes didn't sit well with me either - I blamed the "grease" but now I know it was the seed oil that was mostly giving me issues....

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We really did it to reset our eating habits. We were having loads of sweets and chips and just junk and we knew we needed to change. Of course my sweet well meaning husband says that before he met me he didn't eat any of those things- yeah neither did I, but I don't feel the need to point that out to him. He honestly doesn't think there's anything wrong with the way he eats, and I think he mostly agreed to do whole 30 with me because he wants me to lose a bit of weight ( I've put on 15lbs since we met, that I haven't been too concerned about but which bothers him. Anyway, we've agreed to both finish the whole30 since we committed to it and then we'll go from there.

So he agreed to to Whole30 with you so that you'd lose 15 pounds? And now he just wants to eat junk and have you fix it for him? I'm not so thrilled with this attitude. I assume it's just a snapshot of your entire life together, but please make your own decisions about your food, your body size, and your meal preparation.

 

The next 9 days and formal reintroductions sound like a great idea for each of you, but really. It's your body. Feed it how you choose. I can't speak to the need to feed a male partner since that's not my reality, but I'm presuming he can also feed himself if he gets hungry enough.

 

Eat up. Enjoy your last nine days and then eat up some more.

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