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Feeling horrible and embarassed


Momof4

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I started a Whole30 in February. I mostly kept quiet about it to my extended family because of their tendency to judge. So my mother has been living in pain for several year now with osteoporosis in her back. She is basically out of options as far as medicine/surgery. I decided to tell her about whole30 and sent her the books. I figured someone that was desperate would be willing to try anything. She got the books and told me that it wasn't for her. Fine....so this weekend I am at their house for a few days and the topic comes up and my parents tell me that I just need to eat less and that you shouldn't be eliminating anything. Basically that I am a failure and that I should just do what they are doing. They tell me that eating less has worked so well for them. I am pretty sure that my father weights about the same as me so I am not sure what they are talking about. I knew this would happen and I am embarrassed to even eat in front of them. I was so hungry yesterday that my stomach hurt but I couldn't eat lunch because look down upon people that eat lunch early (12:00). I ate before 6:00 yesterday so by 12:00 I was sick with hunger. The worst part is that I have to go through the same thing with my inlaws who are also judgemental. I will be spending many weekends with them this summer in a very cramped beach house where everything is scrutinized. I just feel embarrassed that I have let my weight get to the point that I have to do this and that I have to feel bad about this choice. And the worst part is they I am really not even losing weight. In my gut I know that I am eating better and I hope that eventually the weight loss will catch up. I am done talking about this with them or anyone else. It also proves to me once again that I cannot tell my parents anything because they are too judgemental and negative (I won't even bore you with the details of my mothers nasty comments to my Aunt at the dinner table!!!). I just wish I could stay in my bubble at home and not have to eat inf front of anyone.

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My mother has always been like this...but I've just stuck to what I do and now, seeing how much weight I've lost in the last year during 3 whole 30s and more importantly how much happier I am in my skin, she is starting to look at labels more herself and rarely makes comments now.

Last time she did comment, some months ago, I just told her to leave it alone, that I was happy in my skin and loved my curves and didn't want to hear her negativity. I really meant it and she knew that and now she is far more supportive.

I think that by sticking to your guns people see how much happier you are they will come round

But never be embarrassed about eating, they are not proving their way is best and you know that...so stick to your guns and show them what healthy eating can really do ;)

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My parents will never change their mind. I did learn a valuable lesson this weekend which is that I cannot be open with them about anything. I already knew that but they just reconfirmed it for me. I am just curious about how much weight you have lost? I am really struggling to lose weight and I am trying different things to get my weight loss going (adding and removing foods). I just wish that I had more visual proof that eating this way is the right decision. Not that that would really make a difference in my parents mind because they think it's a fad diet.

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To be honest I don't know...I didn't want to weight myself as that number could lead to the reemergence of old eating disorders. I have dropped at least 2 dress sizes though and you can see a massive difference in photos from those taken last year.

More importantly though i now smile at myself in the mirror and don't want to be the one behind the camera hiding anymore...I'm 40 next week and I am so much happier when I look at myself now that I was 10 years ago when I was a British size 6 (USA 2?). In photos of my 30th I looked insecure (and skinny) but in a photo taken with friends last night I look incredibly happy and I want to print one out and stick it on my mirror because at 40...I look fabulous ;)

And I would have sworn the same thing about my mother only a few months ago...sometimes people surprise you!

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You haven't met my mother:)))). But perhaps as the evidence that eating this way becomes more mainstream she will begin to change her way of thinking! Thanks for the feedback about your weight loss. I am trying to just not think about it but it's hard because I am significantly overweight.

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This is tough. It is SO HARD to listen to this kind of stuff and stay strong. GOOD JOB doing it so far! 

 

One thing I think it helps to remember is that most of the time these sorts of comments are not about you. The person commenting is doing so because what you are eating or not eating is making them feel something about themselves and their choices. They are consciously or unconsciously defending themselves against what they perceive as judgement or attack from you, so have a little compassion, but also protect yourself. Here are some thoughts about how to respond:

 

  • This is what I'm trying right now, and I'm going to give it at least 30 days.
  • Cool! I'm so glad that's working for you. I'm trying this other approach.
  • No, I really don't want to debate the details right now. If you are interested, email me later and I can send you some links to the research (or lend you the book, etc.).
  • It makes me feel bad to hear you say that about me. I really need your support right now.

 

Worth a try? Hang in there.

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Mom -  It's good that you've reached out, bolstering your great decision to follow through with your Whole 30.  It may be slow going but that's ultimately going to give you the best shot at getting there and staying there.

 

Trading up for lean muscle mass is better than fast weight loss.  Guard your heart.  Hold your Whole 30 cards close to your chest.  I didn't tell anyone what I was doing except a gillion people on this forum.  Keep reaching out and don't let the comments knock you off your stride. 

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Family can be our biggest supporters, and our biggest critics at the same time. I'm sure your parents are proud of you for trying to improve your health, but as missmary says their cristicism is a self-defense mechanism for the fact they couldn't/aren't willing to make the same committment. Those who have a tendency to say 'everything in moderation' or 'a little of what you fancy won't hurt' are generally defending their own lack of self control.

 

Bear in mind also that there are many folk on this forum that would say there is no such thing as 'moderation'.

 

You have made a great decision to take steps to improve your health. Stay true to yourself & don't be drawn in to the negativity of others. There's a lot to be said for a positive mental attitude.
 

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Great advice above! I just want to add that in my experience one of the many surprising benefits of Whole 30 and long term deliberate self care that bucks societal norms (especially for women) is the reduction if not elimination of shame (often, sadly, the purview of women and perpetuated by us, especially when it comes to our own and other women's bodies). This leads to reclaiming your own power--your birthright--which has absolutely nothing to do with the size or shape of your physical form.

 

You're in the early stages now which requires a lot of faith and you're doing a fantastic job navigating some very tricky emotional sabotage. Trust me when I say it's worth it and that the longer you do it, the longer you trust yourself, the longer you commit to yourself in your own way, the easier everything will be!

 

Hang in there!

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Mom - I am convinced that insulin primes the fat pump.  Sugar plus grains equals fat gain.   When we cut processed sugars and grains, it becomes an equation of muscle gain or fat loss depending on the amounts of our protein consumption and strength training.

 

When I eat real whole foods,  I do not gain.    A calorie is definitely not a calorie.   Gluten-free is not much better because most glutens have been replaced with sugars...especially in Paleo baking mixes, Paleo snacks and foods.  

 

Cut all Paleo snacks out and it will make everything easier for anyone out there who wants to trade up for lean muscle mass.   Cut all snacking out for a Whole 30,  with those nuts, nut butters, dried fruits.

 

Without those snacks,  an individual can pony up their results from mediocre to clever. 

 

Switching back and forth between Whole 30 and processed sugars/grains definitely takes a toll....especially when it comes to priming the fat pump with insulin.  After a Whole 30 days, you can continue on without adding sugars/grains back in.    I eat an abundance of whole foods without counting the calories and I don't have rebound weight gain....which only puts us further in the hole.   

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I can't even express how much all your support means to me! I feel like I come to these boards a lot complaining Or questioning what I am doing. The support I have gotten has really helped in keeping me going! I am eating Whole 30most days and I am trying not to let other people impact what i know is right for me.

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Momof4, have you just done one "official" Whole 30 then, and you are now "eating Whole 30 most days"?

 

I am sorry to hear about your unsupportive family, but you will receive plenty of support here from people who actually know what they are talking about.  :)

 

You are on the right track & I am so glad you found us.

 

If you'd like to share a few days' worth of food here, being completely thorough, and including any drinks -- we'll be happy to help pinpoint anything that may be hindering your weight loss goals.  Sometimes it can be something that appears to you to be small, but in reality may be all the difference between losing and not losing.

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Brewer5...the comment I made about following whole 30 most days is applicable to the last few weeks. I completed a whole60 and then had a glass of wine on day 61. Since then I have had several birthdays in my family, my daughters communion and Mother's Day today. The extent of going off the whole 30 during this time is a couple of meals and indulging in cake two times. For example, last night my mother grilled vegetables and marinated in dressing that contained sugar. It would have caused more trouble to try to change the marinade than it was to just eat the vegetables and not leave the table hungry. Today I had a meal out and ate a filet mignon steak which had port wine sauce under it. My plan to get through the last few weeks with a few off plan situations like this and start a strict whole 30 program again tomorrow. I had asked about the weight loss last week on the troubleshooting forum and got some great feedback. I also believe that the weight loss is not going to happen for me because I am currently waking up every 2-3 hours to go to the bathroom during the night. I am seeing a urologist and hope to figure out what is going on this week. I also have lost some weight just not the amount that I would have expected by now. Thank you for your offer of help!

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Momof4, hang in there - and I'm so sorry to hear about the comments from your folks.

 

I loved MissMary's suggestions, and have found in general that if you can keep the comments sticking to them (instead of letting them apply to you) then it gives you a strategy in those moments.

 

"We just do this and it works for us, and you should do that too"  

 

Can just get something like this from you:

"Great! I'm so glad you've found something that works for you. Do you feel like it took you a while to figure that out, or have you come to it recently? How do you...." 

 

or whatever... as so many folks have pointed out, comments about your eating are really about the person making the comments unless you've solicited their advice -  so you can treat it almost like an interview, asking follow-up questions about THEM so that you don't let it become about YOU (because it's not about you! This forum, this thread, your choices, your food - those are about you.) 

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One more idea: when I'm feeling stuck on things I write a note to my current self from my future self, with my goal in mind but my current struggle as part of the path. It would go something like this, from you next spring to you now:

 

"Momof4, now that I look back on it, the decision to do a W30 was so incredible, and part of what made it worthwhile is that I had to really stick to my guns even in the face of so much judgement, and despite all the challenges along the way. I now consider it a blessing that I wasn't one of those people who dropped 20 lbs in my first W30, because part of what I learned along the way was that taking care of myself (really, truly caring for myself) had to come first. First before other people's opinions (it turns out that those are infinite and that I can ignore them :) ), first before the number on the scale, first before my expectations about how things were going to go. Yes, I lost the weight, and yes, I love looking in the mirror now. But mostly: I learned so much along the way, and am truly a better person for it. So when I look gorgeous in my clothes, there is so much more satisfaction and pride in that than I knew was possible, and it goes so much deeper than vanity, and the ramifications in so many areas of my life are incredible. Also, I know it's completely sustainable because I was able to eat this way even when I wasn't seeing results, even when others were mocking me. So to you in May of 2015, now, in the middle of the struggle with the sleeping and the relatives: stick with it  - happily and proudly - because it's right now that you're paving the way to incredible success!"

 

Love, Momof4, May 2016

 

Good luck, and keep us posted, ok?

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Family relationships can be toxic. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You say you have to spend a lot of time with them, perhaps it's worth figuring out how to reclaim some of that time for yourself? Whether that means not going to the beach house as often, or just taking long walks alone if that's your only option ... your well-being is important! Take time for yourself, however that can happen.

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I have a rather strange relationship with my dad.  He can be one of my worst critics and one of my biggest supporters at the same time.  When I was growing up he was always on my case about my weight.  Including very negative and degrading comments.  It was his rather strange way of motivating me - as he wanted to see me happy.  Nevertheless his comments had a rather negative effect and I rebelled.

 

I debated on disowning him as a parent for years - we had a very strained relationship after my parents divorced (I was 19 at the time).  However at some point I made peace with him.  My biggest turning point - I accepted him as he was warts and all.  I realized that he was not a very happy man - nor would he ever be. There are days where is he is positive and upbeat and quite pleasant to speak with as he is full of ideas and suggestions.  And then there are days where he is positively miserable and I just spend our entire conversations - changing subjects.

 

So my first suggestion - look at your parents as people just like everyone else.  We tend to look up at parents and see them with no faults - and then when their faults are apparently shown - we are appalled.  So we just have to step back and stop being appalled.  (easier said than done I know!)

Second suggestion - stop taking their comments personally.  They are unhappy with life and "things" and probably are carrying some guilt and so they are projecting it out on you.  It's not your problem - it's theirs.

Learn to change subjects when things go to much on one side.

Don't judge them for their choices - just like you don't want them to judge you for yours.  

And if worst comes to worst - tell them how you actually feel.  Be firm - but always be kind.  Don't be a doormat (please don't ever be a doormat - I was one for a good many years because I was scared to defend myself)

 

Remember you are strong vibrant human being.  Respect yourself, and don't let others put you down - even if they are your parents.

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Momof4 hope you are doing well and know you are in good company Do this for you and your 4

Kindly I say my parents and mil are elderly they've lived their lives the way they knew We found a new way to live and your 4 will benefit immensely!

Don't ever let them make you feel embarrassed

Again ..Now I agree with our moms ..and go about my business It was sooo hard but you will manage through this great support system

At home it's my husband and grown children

My support system is now here 10 days ago out of 5 decades of misery/happiness The only ones who understand have been there already

You are strong go girl!

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Carrots and blueberries.....thank you so much for your words! They made me cry!

I met with my urologist today and he performed a procedure which determined that I have cystitis. I guess it's chronic bladder inflammation. I am taking an antibiotic and have to eliminate some foods. This would have been much harder before whole30! I haven't had time to do much research on the Internet to determine which foods I have to eliminate. The foods I know for sure that I have to eliminate are coffee and tea. Before whole 30 eliminating coffee would have been the end of my world. Now it's no big deal! I am disappointed that I can't have my herbal tea and that I will have to eliminate spices like chili powder but sleep is more important. It seems that there is really not a surefire way to treat the condition so I am a little bit bummed that it could be an ongoing problem. Just going to focus on getting through tomorrow my first day without coffee!!!

Thank you again for all the kind words!

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One more idea: when I'm feeling stuck on things I write a note to my current self from my future self, with my goal in mind but my current struggle as part of the path. It would go something like this, from you next spring to you now:

 

"Momof4, now that I look back on it, the decision to do a W30 was so incredible, and part of what made it worthwhile is that I had to really stick to my guns even in the face of so much judgement, and despite all the challenges along the way. I now consider it a blessing that I wasn't one of those people who dropped 20 lbs in my first W30, because part of what I learned along the way was that taking care of myself (really, truly caring for myself) had to come first. First before other people's opinions (it turns out that those are infinite and that I can ignore them :) ), first before the number on the scale, first before my expectations about how things were going to go. Yes, I lost the weight, and yes, I love looking in the mirror now. But mostly: I learned so much along the way, and am truly a better person for it. So when I look gorgeous in my clothes, there is so much more satisfaction and pride in that than I knew was possible, and it goes so much deeper than vanity, and the ramifications in so many areas of my life are incredible. Also, I know it's completely sustainable because I was able to eat this way even when I wasn't seeing results, even when others were mocking me. So to you in May of 2015, now, in the middle of the struggle with the sleeping and the relatives: stick with it  - happily and proudly - because it's right now that you're paving the way to incredible success!"

 

Love, Momof4, May 2016

 

This is beautiful and an amazing tool.  Really lovely!

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Momof4, Hang in there! Cystitis is miserable and I've had bouts of it that lasted over 6 months, but I've found that over time, I can resume eating certain things that previously caused issues. Some things that help me are drinking tons of water and drinking water with baking soda when I feel a flare coming on.  I also think the Whole30 helped significantly too.  I can now have limited amounts of hot sauce and tomato and pretty much every other fruit and vegetable.  In the past, there were times when the only things I could eat without experiencing pain were blueberries, rice and potato chips.  Good luck!

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Cmeese....I don't really have any pain just excessive urination. Has that been resolved for you? It is very hard to get up every 2-3 hours during the night. I would just like that to get better. I am ok with eliminating additional foods but I am going to miss adding spices to my food:(((

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Hi Momof4, the urgency has definitely gone away.  I had a constant sensation of a full bladder, where at times I felt like I had to go every 15 to 30 minutes.  For me, the more water I drink, the better I am.  I grew up eating really spicy food so I can completely relate to sadness at giving up spices like chili and curry powder.  Bacon helped as a flavoring -- greens sauted in bacon fat, vegetables roasted with bacon, etc.  I also find onions, garlic and fresh herbs like oregano, basil and rosemary to be great to flavor foods.  I read somewhere that there's often a link between gluten and bladder issues, so you may after 6 months or a year of giving up triggers that you can occassionally indulge in them.

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It can actually be a fun challenge to figure out how to make your food taste great without your usual go-to seed spices. When I did a stretch of AIP a couple years ago, I enjoyed experimenting with fresh and dried herbs, and nomnompaleo's parsley, caper, and anchovy sauce was a revelation. This very well might be a wonderful journey that leads to all kinds of healing for you!

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Momof4, don't feel badly about taking care of yourself, or trying to take care of yourself, to the best of your abilities. Is there any way you can NOT spend time with them this summer? If they are that judgmental and jerky, it sounds like a bad summer ahead. Taking care of yourself doesn't just mean eating well, it means not ingesting anything poisonous. You can ingest things on a spiritual and emotional level. When you are around people who make you feel like that, you're swallowing little bits of cyanide. They will slowly kill you. 

 

In my mind, family are people you choose to spend your life with, not people you are "obligated" to be around because you have some blood "relation" to them. If you don't like them and they are that toxic consider excising them from your life- like cutting out a tumor. Some people are tumors in our lives, because they kill us emotionally and will never, ever change. Most human beings don't change much, emotionally or philosophically or personality-wise, after the mid-20s. 

 

Just my two cents. Be well. 

 

Incidentally, I also have interstitial cystitis. What helps me is keeping my urine extremely alkaline with baking soda. Get urine ph test strips at the health food store and aim to keep your urine at around 8 or so, until the inner lining of your bladder heals. Your bladder is like an open wound inside and if the urine is acidic at all, it will give you symptoms. The baking soda thing and dietary changes are the only thing that has ever helped me; the medication was useless. 

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